Newbies Nest

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Herbie...funny you should say that about the drunk man beside you on the plane...aren't they SO annoying??? And I should know...I was one of the loudest, talkative and sloppiest drunks I've ever met. I loved everybody!!! Oh God, I wish I had a major do-over.... I always thought no one could smell AL on me, I drank vodka and later white wine....but I can sure smell both now on others. I think maybe I wasn't as good an Alcoholic as I thought....(hiding my face now in shame) Byrdie

[noal]

Newbies Nest

QUOTE=lolab;1210750]Congrats to everyone! 8 days! 32 days!!! Noel what is it about the sneakiness that appealing? I don't get it but I did the same thing
How great does it feel to make such great strides?!?! Yea!!![/QUOTE

Hi everyone. I don't go on-line on the weekends so I am rewinding to lolab's reply.

Sneaking,

I have had this problem long enough that it was taking a toll on my immediate family. I would Max my second chances with my wife and when the ultimatum would happen I would put myself in treatment to keep the piece...I've been to treatment several times on my own, I wanted to quit but also wanted to keep the piece. After treatment I could stay sober for a couple months and then I would slip back into my same old routine of sneaking the booze when ever I had the chance...I guess in a way I was moderating but I was still drinking to get drunk, just not every day.

AL had a very strong hold on me. I wanted it so bad that nothing else mattered so I got very good at doing it behind every ones back.

My father was in a car accident when I was 3 years old that left him paralyzed from the waist down. I don't know if he was an alcoholic before the accident but growing up he did a lot of drinking behind the scenes. The wheel chair didn't slow him down at all, he would basically spend every day out in the garage working on cars, building things with the small cabinet shop we had, he would also take us hunting, fishing, camping and he had AL every we went....all while my mother stayed at home....so as I look back he was sneaking it too.

My wife suspected I was drinking numerous times and I would do my best to convince her I wasn't...she would constantly ask when I was going back to AA meeting's so I know she knew what I was up to....she just didn't know I was drinking every day or how much I was consuming. She was trying to prevent the big D call that would destroy our family...she even asked one of the rehab councilors what she should be doing to stop her enabling...I don't recall his answer to that question but shows she wanted this problem fixed to save the family.

AA was helpful but I rarely participated. I would sit and listen and relate to most but I never had much to say. Plus making the time to go was never consistent. This is why I am liking MWO. I am just typing away but I get the feeling of being accountable to my self.

How great does it feel to make such strides? Its awesome, I feel really leaving work and getting right on the freeway rather than taking the back roads. I thank god every day that I am back to feeling normal, that our family is back to normal and I wake up clear headed without the desire to drink.
Today is day 35 and I am proud of myself..... not hating myself.
This weekend was great except for the huskers loosing, but the Christmas lights are hung, the 72 chevy is back in bay one and I'm ready to get back to work on it. The boat is winterized and the ice fishing gear is pulled from the shed getting ready for a frozen lake (haven't gone ice fishing in years). My daughters birthday is tomorrow and I made her an awesome gymnastics plaque for her to hang her medals on that are piling up in her room. Looking forward to Christmas break, I want to surprise my family and take them on a ski trip...they have never been skiing...

There's so much of life to be enjoyed and I need to be doing it with my kids...life is to short to be WASTED.

I remember a councilor telling me that I need to find things to do that make you happy and set goals to stay on target....so that's what I am doing, I am looking forward to doing these things and I think this part of the plan is helping.

Sorry for the long email, just feel like rambling on these days.

Good luck to all!

[BelleGirl]

Newbies Nest

Noal...no need to apologize for rambling. That was a beayoootiful post. Very uplifting for us in the trenches to see how things can work with persistence against the beast. You sound like you have found yourself and life once again. Happy Birthday to your daughter, she will love the gymnastics medal plaque I am sure. Keep up the great work and stay around to keep us posted!

[FreeFly]

Newbies Nest

Hiya Noal. Enjoying the rambling this end. I reckon your family will luurve the ski trip but I reckon you will love it more for making it happen. Happy birthday to your daughter. Keep on doing what ya doing

[Nursie]

Newbies Nest

Hi guys, I'm just checking in! Love reading all your posts!
It has been such a long day!
Day 2. I'm at work and I've been tired and emotional, hot and sweaty and quite irritable.
Geez. And nauseous!
I just wanna go to bed!

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters!

Chilly & damp here this evening ~ seasonal weather I suppose.

Nursie, chug-a-lug the water & tea.....it helps

[playland]

Newbies Nest

Good Evening All, the first time that I really, really committed to being AF lasted for about a month and I just gradually slipped back into my old habits, of course, thinking I could do it better now. Every time since then has been impossible to do for more than just a few days. I'm very curious as to why this gets more difficult each time.

Yes, Steady, I'm trying to get up the courage to try again and am afraid of failing again, perhaps it's better to try no matter what the outcome, I was so discouraged after last time that I feel like I have given up for awhile.

So, thinking of everyone, have a good night or day which ever it is for you.

[BlondeAFAmbition]

Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters!

Congrats to the trio celebrating their first days of sobriety! Stay together and stay strong!

Byrdie! Great post and well done on your AF Days! Before you know it, you will have a year under your belt...way to go honey!

PF-Sorry you still don't know about the job scenario...good luck with all of that. I know it's hard.

Hi to everyone checking in tonight: Lav, Belle, Noal, Herbie, Windy, Lolab, Minstar, Nursie et all. Have a peaceful and safe night.

Best,

Blondie

[BlondeAFAmbition]

Newbies Nest

PS, Brydie, I loved what you said about sticking it out for TG or else be drunk until the New Year...how true that is, but we seldom realize it until it's too late and then it's New Year's Day and we are all posting our "Day 1". Let's not do that Nesters, ok? Birds of a feather stick together.

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Having butt velcro in the nest helps Blondie :H

Seriously though, staying close to the nest thru the holiday season really helps. It's comforting to know your nest mates are watching out for you too

playland, just do it!
Make the commitment & begin your AF journey now - we're all here for you & for each other!

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest ~ I am tired after a very good but long day!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Playland, my take on why it's harder each time

I've been thinking about this all day. What I deduce is this...that our addiction is much like that of a spoiled child. When it screams loud enough, we do whatever it takes to shut it up. When I went for days and weeks AF, and then caved in, it was harder each and every time I tried...because I kept giving in to myself. It was harder and harder to say NO, HELL NO and ride the crave out, because all I had ever done was give in... I knew I would eventurally give in. It wasn't until I committed to be AF that I was able to get thru a rough patch and ride it out. Each time I fell, I also fell harder. I never drank more than when I tried to moderate...because that made me panic about not getting it. I also thought about AL constantly. I will say one thing that is the god's honest truth...it is MUCH easier to have NONE than to have some!!! Much easier. The only rule I have to make for myself is do not drink. None of this, 'I will only drink when others are doing it, or only drink when the moon is full, or only drink when (insert your excuse here). When you start making rules for yourself and then breaking them...well, pull up a twig and some butt velcro. Make a commitment to quit this dam roller coaster and by gosh, stick to it no matter what. With that decision, comes much freedom. I can hear the collective..."oh Byrdie, I just can't make that sort of decision...You never know things can change!". Yep, they sure can, they can get worse, and they did for me and they have for tons of people who I have followed these past 2 years. The only way to be free is to once and for all, get this dam monkey off your back. Anything else is just torture...You don't need AL to live...you do, however, need a liver to live. And I was trashing mine, all for the sake of a dam drink! I refuse to do it anymore!
So why does it get harder each time? Prolly because we know we don't really mean it....Once your mind is made up, nothing can shake your resolve. Hope you are there...I sure am. Byrdie

[Nursie]

Newbies Nest

Powerful stuff Byrdie! Thank you!
I've got some butt velcroe.
I'm snuggling in the nest for the night. Don't steal my covers! Lol

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

Awesome byrdie. Really. It's so very true.

I'm tired and kind of grumpy so I won't subject you all to me but blondie and lav brought a smile to my face with an image of all of us birds of a feather sticking together with butt Velcro...

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

Oh my just realized that thanksgiving will be day 60??? Is that right windy? Awesome even more reason to not spoil it - on a milestone! :-)

[sobafun]

Newbies Nest

Hi there
Byrdie I think you have hit the nail on the head. And its true ...each time is worse. Well not necessarily ...sometimes the spoilt child can fool me by having good moderation for a bit...and then I let my guard down and whammo.....
I keep telling myself I don;t drink..I live life to the full. When I drink everything comes second and the life experience is so much blunter. Now to remember this and keep reminding myself.
Soba