Newbies Nest

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

morning nesters

Well the heat has kind of gone. Lav, i have no air con, i rent where i am and the lovely landlord evades the emails i send. I do quite enjoy listening to others being cool though. I mainly feel sorry for my fur babies, mads is 15 in March so i feel for her in this weather. we have made it through.

Jvo, those moments will come for awhile at any given moment in time, for me it was my anxiety coming from the tips of my toes to my brain and BOOM. Luckily my anxiety is pretty much under control now i have left my other job but before i left my other work, i understood why i felt like i did and for the last weeks i was there it was just dealing with the stress without reacting to reach for a drink, mind you i smoked like there was no tomorrow. lucky for me my al brain didnt jump at the chance to entice me to drink. See what time away from al does? Learning to deal with different situations without al is hard and can cause the f#ck its in the early days but great work on realising and dealing with it. Some days are better than others.

Today is day 17 sf and of course its getting better, im just not willing to admit it yet. yesterday i got home to a house with just fur babies and i thought "i will just get a packet of smokes and no one will know" . so i went and bought a new laptop as my old one keeps turning off every few minutes for fun. I may have spent 100$ more than i have saved from not smoking but in 4 days i will have made up for that. So no smoking for me and a new laptop as a reward. this will be my only big gift to myself as i am now going to save for a holiday with the SO if he ever stops his workaholic tendencies for a few weeks to go. Yet again my kids are telling me how proud of me they are so now i have to keep going, god forbid i let the children down :happy2: Like al, i have bad days, hours, minutes but i wont do another day 1 with smoking, just as i wont with al. Im done, completely and utterly, resigned and determined. One day at a time, so now each day it is a good day if i dont drink or smoke. Today is a good day already.

Love the hair styles G. I remember when we had our last coffee you had the same style!. Maybe time for a change and a coffee.

take care x

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

And that is just how it's done Seeker and Jvo....one situation/craving at a time. Sometimes they seem insurrmountable, but if you can take a step back and see the view from 30,000 feet, the perspective changes. A drink isn't going to relieve anything really, it's going to ADD to the problem. We are either contributing to our quit, or contaminating it....there is no in between.

Yep. Well done Jvo and Seeker. Perspective Byrdy. Yes! When i STOP, PAUSE, and step back from a thought and look at the bigger picture, i will usually find i am getting all worked up over something that is not that earth shattering, and can be solved or addressed in a way that i can live with. When i step back and respond instead of my usual impulsive reaction! (which usually gets me into trouble)

Good question Byrdie. I am very reactionary. I work not to be but at times I am so without thinking. I need to slow myself down when presented with a situation, give myself time to think and contemplate, which can be 10 seconds or 10 days, and in a thoughtful, kind, patient and tolerant way express my feelings on said situation. Unfortunately...I can just react to a situation, sometimes even well, but many times I need to slow down because usually upon reflection I find that I can screw things up worse. Especially in communication with loved ones when maybe there is a disagreement or the like...and then that can lead to misunderstandings, resentments, and a good excuse to drink them away.

I relate to this totally Seeker. It's not uncommon around this joint. I've noticed most if not all addicts/big boozers are impulsive and reactionary. We will fly off the handle inside emotionally and derail ourselves and inner balance with an immediate impulsive REACTION, rather than a more considered RESPONSE. These days i always think of traffic lights. STOP at the lights when thoughts are crossing, and don't just step out into thought traffic trying to dodge them. When the light turns green, i can then calmly cross the road, like a zen warrior calmly observing my thoughts hovering at the lights waiting to go. Well, something like that!

Ava. Def time for a coffee.

Byrdy at around 8 p.m. - 'Now that my hair is getting longer, thought i'd best start wearing a hair net for my cake projects'

hairnet fem.jpg

Moonking at dusk yesterday - 'Has anybody seen my car keys?"

hair fem wild red.jpg

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

G, you can be the nest hair stylist from now on. But, Byrdie in a hair net is just a bit too much, ha ha!

Glad to see everyone is working thru the thoughts & cravings. Actually, after a few AF weeks I think what we’re really dealing with is ‘habitual behavior’. That’s where a good plan comes in & saves the day. Works every time folks

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!l

Lav

[jvo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Great posts. Seeker and G, yes, that must be a characteristic of addicts, because that's the first thing we think of when we're feeling weak, wobbly, or stressed. That's where our brains have always gone for the release, but what we got was a big freaking mess and no answers, just pain and suffering from our deteriorating physical health to mental and emotional decline.

Ava, yes, it's my anxiety that's a number one trigger for me. It always has been, and that's what got me into this mess. Well, I got me into this mess because I didn't take proper steps to learn to relieve my anxiety. Well, I did try, a lot, but failed to find what worked for me or I wasn't consistent in working a program for anxiety. Over the past twenty years, regardless of my drinking, my social anxiety, which was initially so bad that I couldn't be around any adults without freaking out (yes, I sound like a freak saying that but it's true) has decreased a lot and I'm such a different person with that, although my other anxiety still smacks me in the face at times. I know this probably makes no sense, so, sorry.

Byrdy, this took me by surprise because I've been feeling good. But why would I be surprised? I know the drill and what to expect. And since I know, yes, I should have a plan if, or I should say, when it happens again. Can I answer this in a minute...

That feeling scared me. I thought, if I'd had had this thought later in the day (this was during cafeteria duty in the morning with about 250 loud kids which makes it almost impossible to find peace of mind and calm myself down) then would I have stopped to get booze? An impulsive and reactionary behavior. Or would I have done the same thing I did today, which was sneak out of work a little early before quittin' time and go straight home and get under my safe covers. That could very likely be the case next time, and so yes, I need to think how I will handle this. I think doing what I did was good for me because it was an escape and I didn't rely on alcohol. It's what I needed to do to stay away from al. I know that works for me. I also know that I'll text those friends again. My other friend was sleeping and I would have messaged her too, but damn, can you believe she has the nerve to sleep? Just kidding, friend. Sleep is an escape for me, being in my home is safe for me. I have to admit, I don't go anywhere, haven't since I quit, and I'm really ok. I'm focusing on myself and my health. That's the only thing that interests me, and call it self-centered, but it's keeping me sober and safe. I don't miss being anywhere when I'm sitting here or doing things around the house. I still don't wanna go out and eat in the evenings, unless it's a time that's not a drinking time like lunch yesterday during work.
Luckily I don't have to and I can concentrate on myself.

This experience today has taught me that early sobriety is a very fragile thing. I need to be super careful with my thoughts, go easy on myself, accept the overwhelming urges, phone a friend, and keep myself in my safe place. I need to stay on this road. I will not make a wrong turn that leads me back to that hell.

Thanks for listening, or not! To my rambling.

Ok, almost time for big, little lies.

Thank you MWO.

Jvo

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, All:

I forgot to turn on my alarm clock last night and woke up an HOUR later than usual. Somehow I sped through the morning routine, and while I didn't get to work early like I usually do, I was right on time. And G, that's about what my hair looked like (well, not at all - mine is stick straight, but it was a mess, and still soaking wet...) I missed posting this morning.

Good on you for working through those early cravings. I feel like NoSugar needs to stop by soon and remind us all that thought are just thoughts. The good news is that we don't have to act on them. Dreams are just dreams.

Met up with friends I hadn't seen in 25 years last night. It was great to catch up on everyone's kids, and to have some good laughs about our younger days. Not weird that I didn't drink at all, at least for me (and I don't care if it was awkward for them, right Lav??)

I am off to sleep. Keep on working on ODAAT!

xo
Pav

[Choices]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi everyone!

I started reading these posts in the morning and then ran out of time to post myself, now it's night here and I just feel grateful to be in this nest! I'm safe at home, and had a really good day picking lavender -- the blueberries were all picked for the season so we missed out. It was great to be around my school friends, I even told them I have decided to go dry and I'm excited. Non of them have ever even scene me with a drink, and would have no clue of my addiction. They are all fellow naturopath students, so obviously.. nobody questioned me on why. Especially because we learned so much about how alcohol penetrates the blood brain barrier, and the dangers of it for so much of our health. It is strange that I learn these things and kept drinking, I guess it's like passing a terrible accident on the road and think, those poor people, it couldn't happen to me. It is feeling good to just come out and tell people that I've quit.

My husband is actually playing poker with his mates tonight. These are old friends he grew up with. He doesn't play often, but when he does he comes home legless drunk. And he will reak, of alchol and be hungover all day tomorrow. That will be my big deturant tomorrow for sure! Ug, I feel sorry for him already, and I am not jelous in the slightest that he is out partying! In the past I would have been. I'm glad I don't feel co-dependent with him anymore on drinking. If I quit, I wanted him to quit, if I was drinking I wanted him to be ok with my drinking... Yep, it's very nice to just worry about my side of the fence.

I am exhausted, I was planning to write more and address things people wrote, but my eyelids are very heavy. You're all on my mind and I wish you all well.

Yay! Another day done and dusted!

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

Happy 7th re-birthday to Byrdie and 4th to Marylou!

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

Now that I'm on my computer instead of iPad and can actually type, I want to thank @Byrdlady and @Marylou123 for all they've shared on MWO over their years here :hug:.
You both have such enthusiasm and gratitude for AF living and it is contagious! You make others want to be like you and have what you have.
And the good news is that it is possible for everyone can have that dream of freedom come true.

And speaking of dreams... as you know, @Pavati, I spend a lot of time thinking about thinking . Dreams are what we think about during the night. And sometimes those thoughts are weird, scary, or totally gross. When we do remember them, we usually don't judge ourselves for thinking that way and decide we must be horrible, broken people. We realize we can't really control our sleeping thoughts, don't blame ourselves, and readily dismiss them as "just a dream" and move on with our days. What is crazy is that we think we have control of what pops into our minds during the day when we are awake!

We really don't! We have something like 60k thoughts a day - they come and go, mostly without our input. What we can control is which ones we pay attention to - and create our experience of life. Our experience isn't created by what is "out there" but by how we think about it.

Sometimes it helps to replace a thought you notice with a different one - like the quick response to an urge (thought) to drink with a quick "But I don't drink" or thoughts of gratitude for how your life is better because you don't drink. But -- we would never get anything done if we spent all day trying to squelch all the negative thoughts that pop up or replace them with "better" thoughts. Most of the time we can just let the ones that don't serve us drift away, just like we let nightmares fade when upon awaking we realize it was 'just a dream' and nothing to worry about.

No thought will stick around very long at all unless we focus on it and let it grow. If a thought makes you feel good, by all means chase it down - just like you sometimes try to "go back to" a good dream that you came out of. But if it makes you feel bad, let it go. No one awakens from one of those 'being chased but having lead feet' or a 'I forgot to wear any pants' dreams and tries to keep it going!! The same thing it true of day dreams - which is pretty much what our thoughts are.

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

NS, thank you so much for the kind words, I didnt realize MaryLou was on the same day! Congrats to you, too, MaryLou! NS, is right on our heels, if memory serves, she will be 5 years on the 24th?!

I do find myself in a reflective mood today. I never thought I would be celebrating 7 days AF, forget 7 years. I can tell you this, it feels really good. What a blessed relief to get thru a day without even a thought of AL. Hard to believe, the mind chatter I had in the early days and months was almost more than I could bear. I kept asking ‘When does this go away?’ In her own way, Lav stepped up and said ‘As soon as YOU let it go’. There is a wise one right there. It really was MY choice.

As NS just said in her most eloquent way, I began to learn which voices to listen to. There was always the Feck It Voice and the less prominant Hang In There Voice. It took a great deal of practice, but I began listening to the voice that told me that I could ride out a craving. I told myself for many years, ‘I just cant do this’. ‘I’ll just try to cut down or moderate.’ I stopped listening to that voice, too. I listened to Lav, who had what I wanted. She made it sound so easy. Actually it is SIMPLE, but it isnt easy. I finally made a CHOICE. I would not drink, no matter what and no matter who. When I got a thought, Id say ‘NO, HELL NO’, I will not drink. And so it went. I checked in here like a crazy person, at that time, this place wasnt so active. I read the archives, anything to keep me on task. Did I think I was going to make it? To be honest, I just wasnt sure. All I knew to do, was trust in those that were ahead of me, and frankly, Lav seemed to be flourishing.

I came here knowing just about everything there was to know about addiction. What I had to learn was about recovery, a subject I really knew nothing about. Getting sober is a skill and everyone CAN learn it. Its whether or not we CHOOSE to listen that separates the successful people from the ‘also rans’. I had been an ‘also ran’ for decades, I never was willing to listen or implement the tried and true tools needed in recovery. I always thought I knew better, until that day 7 years ago when I had to look in the mirror and admit I needed help. This time, I HAD TO MAKE IT STICK. I learned to be coachable, a skill that has served me well in this and other endeavors.

Getting sober is only one part if the equation.... STAYING sober is something else again. You wouldnt believe how many nesters have asked me ‘What is the key to sobriety?’ Once again, the answer is simple...SUPPORT. I have witnessed thousands of nesters GET sober, only to wander off into the drinking wilderness to be sucked back in. They would tell me that they didnt want to be constantly reminded about AL every day....they wanted to get on with their life. I get that. However, we have a disease, we can wish it away all we want to, but we still have it. For me, I had to grow a backbone instead if a wishbone I believe that having long term sobriety takes two things; getting support and GIVING support. If you have ONE day sober, you have something to offer others, there are plenty of people here who struggle to get that.

I really hate that alcoholism found its way into my life, but I gotta tell you, I think Im a better person for it. I appreciate life. I appreciate my friends here who took time to help me. I appreciate helping others get out of the pit of addiction.

Thank you so much for listening. Thank you, Lav, for believing in me. That mattered. Still does. MindPeace is possible, Im living proof! Byrdie

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good Morning, Nest!

Happy SOBER Birthday to you, dear Byrdie. Really and truly, your tail feathers have so much to do with my own sobriety. I appreciate your real advice, coupled with amazing humor and honest caring. You have dragged so many of us kicking and screaming into the freedom we were looking for. I hope you celebrate yourself today, and continue to lead the way!

MaryLou - when you pop by, I love hearing from you. Congratulations to you, too. I didn't realize you chose such an auspicious day to quit as well! Rock on!

I knew NS would be by to talk so eloquently about thoughts - I LOVE hearing from you.

Yesterday we went to dinner with two other families, and once again we split the bill!! I really don't know how to graciously say I want to pay less because I didn't drink those $10 beers that you all did, especially when my husband just tosses in the credit card to split. Anyone deal with this graciously? I really don't want to seem like a cheapskate, and these families have cared for my son a lot over the years, so it really wasn't that big of a deal, but sheesh...

Today I am starting an eating/exercise challenge with a bunch of people. I even got my husband to join which is going to be amazing for him. He is quite overweight, and I think that if he just thinks about what he's doing even a little bit he'll lose weight easily. Usually he won't join me on health kicks, so here's hoping it sticks. I will be quitting my daily sugar habit which will be HARD, but I can do it. It is amazing how after about four - seven days I just lose the craving because my body stops expecting it. But MAN the cravings are hard at first.

Happy SOBER Saturday!

Pav

[jvo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Happy anniversary Byrdy!! That was an amazing post and I'll read over again because I want what you have. Thank you for your ongoing support, encouragement, and no nonsense ways. I hope you have a lovely day!! I wondered about one thing you said...how do you not think about drinking when you come here and post about drinking everyday. But the clarification helped a lot. Throughout our day, were not going to struggle with urges, but we will continue to give and get support. This is probably the number one most important thing in recovery that'll make the difference in keeping your quit solid and stable or slipping back down into the rabbit hole. :hug::heartbeat::yay:

Marylou, congratulations on your four years!! That amazing. Thank you for your thoughtful posts and always encouraging words for the newbies. It means a lot. I hope you have a great day and celebrate! :welldone:

Wow, NS, what a great post also. Where do you get such amazing wisdom? Well, I don't care actually where it comes from. I'm just glad you share it with us. It makes so much sense that we don't hold onto those bad dreams, so why should we hold onto the bad day thoughts. And not spending much time on replacing those thoughts to cause the mind to become so overcrowded and overwhelmed is another good practice. I'd love to have a quieter mind, and not cramming it with thoughts that take too much time would be more than helpful. Thank you. Oh, you can buy a keyboard for your iPad. It makes life so much easier. I need a new one, btw. Mine died.

Well, I slept like a champ and feel very good and unhung. I'm grateful for this amazing feeling. My hubby and I are going grocery shopping and to a few other stores. Gonna check out Trader Joe's as we've heard great things about it. Then we're going to eat. I picked out a restaurant I found online. It's a cafe and doesn't serve alcohol. Good food, too! So I won't give myself that chance to feel deprived and won't have a pity party because I don't want that feeling today.

Have a great sober day!

Jvo

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

JVO, sorry hear about the assault of your Super. That’s scary and shaking. Hugs and enjoy your outings with the hubs today.

G, thanks for the hair laughs! I love your perspective that most situations can be addressed in a way we can live with if we just problem solve without alcohol.

Byrdie, at least its a pretty hair net - pearls and all! I’m so glad you chose sobriety, and that you help us understand why and how. Congrats on your anniversary!

NS, great dream/thought analogy. Thanks for sharing!

PAV, my husband actually gets peeved at the bill-splitters, since ours is consistently less now too without my drinks. Not sure how to handle it though. Goes to show you how little attention others pay to our drinking!

I do have an instance to share that has rattled me. I was feeling terrible last night. I had stomach virus the night prior and was feeling very low blood sugar last night and recovering from the illness. So I was down and out and not so strong. The husband (who always picks the WORST times to bring these things up) said, “you know, a glass of wine would actually be good for you. They say it’s really healthy. It would be good for you to do more things that make you happy.”

WTF?!? Are you not listening to anything I tell you?

I said, “No, its actually more unhealthy than healthy. If I drink, then I want it all the time. It becomes an obsession.” He actually argued with me and said he knows me and has been around me and I don’t have a problem. I said, “Of course you didn’t see me sneak shots from the basement or office or tequila at 4pm. I would obsess about buying a bottle and get the wine on the way home and drink a glass or more before even getting home. I hid those things from you.”

He flat out said he didn’t believe me, that he thinks I’m “exaggerating”.

I don’t know how to respond to that. Except that I said two things:
1. If anything, I’m understating
2. Why would I make these things up? They certainly aren't flattering.

We never got further in the conversation because I was pissed and felt terrible. But those damn words are creeping through my head now - you can just have wine once in awhile. You can be an occasional drinker. Your husband knows you and he says you can do it.

But I can’t. I’ve tried. I like it too much and therefore think about it all the time. I plan outings around it, secretly nip off bottles at friends’ houses, come home after a night out where I discretely drank very little, only to take an extra shot or two upon arriving at home at 10pm, etc., etc., etc.

I can’t let his words confuse me. I’ve TRIED moderation. It always makes me immediately down on myself for drinking and my barriers go down, boundaries are shattered, self worth goes to heck. I get fat, sloppy, obsessed. Yet it takes the words of someone who is SUPPOSED to be my best friend, biggest supporter to get the words swirling around in my head again. Why can’t he be a friend?????

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

morning nesters

Happy 7th birthday Byrd. You are one amazing woman and today you deserve to be very very proud of yourself, your achievement in quitting al and you helping so many people to quit al and with patience and support and love. I am one of the lucky ones who listened to you and NS and Lav to get to the person i am today. Quitting is not easy but listening to the oldies and realising that what they say, is what to follow was difficult. You are my inspiration and today i thank you for being one of the many who you have helped become sober. I do hope you have a happy day.

Mary Mary Mary, happy 4th birthday to you. I hope you have a lovely day and i love you posts and to see you a constant on mwo.

Kensho there is one thing you could tell your husband and that is you are an alcoholic and you cant have one drink. End of story. If you dont like the term alcoholic use something else. You know what you are like, you are on a drinking site for a reason as you cant have just one drink.

Pav, i am trying to do the sugar thing also but when all i want to do is eat to not smoke, im hitting my head against a brick wall. so i am just not smoking or overwhelming myself. i am though trying to make better choices with food and it not all being sugar coated.

nothing much to report from me, just doing housework and not smoking. that is all i can do at the moment. Its getting better all the time.

Take care x

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hola nesters near and not so far,

Happy anniversry Byrdy for 7 years, and Mary Lou for 4 years! Wowza! Thanks for sticking around ladies. I love youse both and appreciate you big time. Have a great weekend. Xx

Kensho, what's wrong with that bloke?! He ain't listening.

I reckon you've got the fags on the run Ava. Hope you're doing well there too Jude.

Off for a run soon, then a jam with my band. L8tr g8trs. No freakin ticket to no cotton pickin whacky assed boozeville here.

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Wow, I'm glad someone has been watching the calendar -

CONGRATS to my friend Byrdie on 7 AF years :yay:
Time flies when you're having so much fun, right? I just knew you could do it, that's why I continued to kick you around until you were safely on board, ha ha! Wishing you the best!

CONGRATS to Marylou on 4 AF years :welldone:
We have loved having you here & wish you the very best as well!

Pav, what other people think is none of my business. Therefore I really don't give a sh*t what they think about my non-drinking ways

Kensho, my husband continued to do dumb stuff like that for a while, then it finally stopped when he realized I was simply ignoring him. I refused to be pushed, persuaded or otherwise pestered about drinking by him or anyone else for that matter. Just keep your focus on you & your plan, the only things that matter at this moment!

Hang in there Ava, it's going to get easier - promise!

The weather was really nice today - it was way above freezing, LOL
Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav