Newbies Nest

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Everyone. Quick check in. I had to work today - met clients in the mountains. Drove a total of 4.5 hours and feeling tired. I'm not used to working on the weekend - Saturdays are usually my chill day. I brought a bottle of wine for the photo shoot and then gave it to the photographer. She was trying to decline out of politeness, but when I said, "no really... I don't drink..." she took it, but also was amazed. She said, "good for you" and "I bet your mornings are great!". I said, "I don't get tired of a clear head in the mornings!" Smelling it was weird though. I usually avoid everything about it. It was a kind of traumatic sensory experience pouring it into the glasses. I brought a nice bottle of seltzer too - but the photographer felt it wasn't right. I'd love to start a new trend of not needing wine in fancy photos to sell it. It's like sex. Playing with the senses to get an emotional response from it. Kind of dirty.

G - I need to get back on track with my food. Congrats on your discipline with plant-based. I bet you'll feel great! I need to baby step my way back to avoiding the foods that make me feel badly. Unfortunately that's a long list. But feeling good is worth it!

Slo, it was my in-laws who pressured me. They think you're goodie-goodie if you don't participate fully in food or drink. But they also don't know the extent of the issue I had with alcohol. I remember being desperate to stop. I couldn't. I didn't know how, but I wanted to get rid of this thing that was controlling me. (Not that she wouldn't feel all that too, but she doesn't admit she has a problem). Anyway, back to 9 months now, and they can't take that away from me.

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Had the reunion last night. It was really nice to reconnect to my classmates. Booze was flowing but it was no problem to stick with my diet coke. I am so glad I dont drink, I am SURE I would have made an ass of myself. I didnt notice anyone overdoing it but we left around 9, the weather was getting bad.
It took a long time for me to get comfortable with these big events. 7 years ago, I would have been anxious beyond belief. Stick with this, I promise it is worth it to be able to attend a function withour AL calling the shots.
My new half brother was there with his wife, It was wonderdul to meet her. He was very social and charming, I thought.
I am so ready to go home, but I dont know when that will be.
Hope everyone has an easy day. Byrdie

[Slo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Byrdie, so glad you were able to enjoy your reunion!!

I was invited to visit relatives because my uncle was in town from North Carolina for his class reunion. (He doesn’t know if he’ll be able to get home either.) I did ok in that afternoon setting visiting with everyone and not minding much staying sober while the others drank, and enjoyed it fine. But, it’s hard for some of us to “go home” and feel haunted by old childhood pain confronting us, yet now have no way to numb it away, so eventually started feeling not very centered, and felt unsettled on the way home and then couldn’t sleep well what with the powerful confusing emotions of sadness & such. But what can you do -I can’t drink it all away anymore.

Kensho, so that’s why there’s wine in advertisements for home interiors and decks etc.! Now I get it. It seems like they used to use fruit & flowers for that.
That would be deja vu to be pouring wine for them, and smelling it.
It felt a little weird scouring two liquor stores for the local beer that my aunt wanted (I brought a dish to pass too), but not too much since there’s enormous alcohol displays in most all of the stores I go to around here -Target, Walgreens, all the gas stations & grocery stores. And it’s not tucked away in the corner of the grocery stores anymore -especially since Kroger’s took over a local chain. Now a huge chunk of where you expect the groceries to be is rows & rows of alcohol. I’m getting good at ignoring it all.

A cousin wanted to talk to me about our alcoholic sisters (we each have one) and how they are doing (still drinking), and I outed myself to her as “one of them” too, and told her that I no longer drink. She said, “Not at all, ever?!” But, I know she’s a very heavy drinker who couldn’t imagine that. Not sure if it was a good idea, but I felt like I wanted to because it lacked integrity to be talking about “them” and “us”. So, now it’s out there and will spread throughout the family. I will wear the scarlet letter ‘A’ .

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

morning nesters

Congrats Myway on 7 months, a great achievement, be very proud of yourself.

Pav, i hope your drop off of the teenager went well and there werent too many tears. the children leaving the nest is so hard but its not like our parenting duties end there!

Byrd, great to hear you had a good reunion. my last reunion was in 1999, i think we may have changed a bit by now.

Kensho, i cant stand the smell of wine or any alcohol now. i thinks its all psychological but i will take that.

Slo, i remember the first time i stepped into a bottleshop after months of not drinking, i felt like a small child in that i knew it was wrong. I am like Lav, i dont buy al for anyone, if they want to drink then they can buy it for themselves. No one asks as they know the answer. My mother asked me once to get her a bottle of wine and i said NO so i had to pick up my son to buy it. they tried to talk me into it but as we know if we give in once we will have to do it again and again.

A lovely weekend here, had the SO's nearly 6 year old twins overnight and boy was i exhausted yesterday. The weather has turned crappy again but we did get a slight taste of warmth last week, hopefully it will return. My car broke down on Friday so i had to spend more money getting it fixed, at least i have savings now!

well better get back to work. take care x

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

We had a fairly decent (not too hot or humid) day here. Storm related rain due to arrive the next two days. I'll just catch up on inside chores, no big deal.

Byrdie, glad you enjoyed your reunion. We went to two of them way back & decided no more, ha ha!
Get this - one of my local friends decided to go to the Outer Banks today ~ crazy! I have a feeling they will be turned around at some point, don't you think? Wth is wrong with people deciding it's OK to put themselves into a flooded area, likely without power too, etc. Not a great choice on their part

Kensho, I can't even stand next to an open bottle of wine anymore, yuck. To think I used to guzzle that stuff on a daily basis. I like the idea of using flowers or a bowl of fruit to give interest in a home setting. Sorry you had to deal with that but it will probably just make you stronger in the long run

Slo, my state just started putting beer & wine into certain grocery stores, never had it before. I have a feeling it will be some time before it gets to stores around where I live. I'm sure it will be annoying but not a temptation for me at this point. Even when it does get here I'm not buying any for guests, ha ha! I run a total BYOB operation here.

Ava, 6 year olds are quite a handful. My two youngest grandkids are now 7 1/2, starting to settle down a little I think because of school. It is a fun type of exhaustion though, right?

Hello to the rest of the nest & wishing everyone a safe & comfy night!

Lav

[paulywogg]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hey nesters,Byrdie,glad you enjoyed your reunion,the pics were lovely,also glad your house seemed unscathed Mywayin,congrats on 7 months! Lav,as you know there's alcohol here EVERYWHERE! even the 99 cents store has a huge wall of wine,it's not 99 cents tho but I've never looked at the price,Slo,I get it feels hypocritical to be talking shit about how"bad they are" when you know you have issues too,been there myself,actually there's a lady at work who's one of us,she lost her son in a motorcycle accident a few years ago,survived colon cancer just recently so yeah she's going thru a lot,the anniversary of her son's death is around the corner and she's been on a bender,not showing up for work and I catch myself talking with the girls at work about how she shouldn't be drinking cuz it makes her bleed inside,she's been to rehab,etc I have to stop myself cuz just cuz i haven't been thru what she's going thru I'm just as bad and a hypocrite to judge I'm praying she gets back on track,Kensho,the smell of booze is gag worthy to me too! Hubs drinks his beers in the evening and when he comes to bed I put my blanket over my face,yuck! Ok all have a positive,peaceful,patient day!

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Ava - Sounds like your hard and fast rule about not buying al for others works really well for you, and I applaud you on that. This is one area where I don't seem to have a problem, so I pick up beer for my SO on occasion, but if I had even the slightest bit of concern about it I would draw a line in the sand fast. Hope your weather turns nice again soon!

Byrdie - any word on when you might be able to return home? Or any updates re the status of your house? I'm glad the reunion went well for you.

Lav - It sure does seem like they'd be turning people headed to Outer Banks around. The damage from this storm just looks devastating, and I think the top priority should be helping people who live in the affected regions - getting them out, getting them home, etc. Have fun with your indoor chores

Kensho - interesting info about the wine props used in photo shoots. Yep, al is subtly (or obviously) everywhere and of course always connected with something positive. What a weird world we live in.


All is well on this end. Really glad I'm feeling so solid with my quit as I get ready to head to the land where wine flows like water. I don't really like wine so I'm not worried about that, but I'm reminding myself that having some other drink will not be necessary to join in the festivities. Can't wait to get home from the trip with another couple of weeks added to my day count!

Hope you all have great starts to your weeks!

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good Un-hung Monday afternoon, Nesters,

Congratulations on 7 months of Freedom from al, Mywayin! Well done! And wishing you the best on getting the things sorted that need to be..

Kensho, so happy for you that you're back at your 9 month point and feeling so strong. Like Pav mentioned, it's probably a good time to be extra vigilant.. good for you for noticing that thoughts were creeping up more often. For me, that's always a time to look at things closely rather than overlook or ignore. Funny that, people who were so critical coming to ask you for advice! Just shows, that the best thing we can do is listen to ourselves, our needs, get our sh** together and show by example.. I also think that we, as humans, can feel (often) whether or not someone is wavering or dead serious about their decisions. And if you have people around, who don't necessarily care about your best interest, they will take an opportunity to bring you down. Your relatives know (and how!) that you mean business. I'm really proud of you..

Wags, I posted this quote yesterday in the Café and I love it.. ""Persons who habitually drink water become just as good gourmets about water as wine drinkers on wine.""--Alexandre Dumas.. It does seem that in Italy, France and some other southern countries, wine is so ingrained in the "culture" that it is completely normal for everyone to drink a small glass at lunch and dinner.. but what I've noticed, for the most part, is that they all really stop after that little glass! Which of course isn't my reality at all! It would be complete torture and such a waste of my time to try and get my hands on the amount I would "want" after that first drink. I am glad you're so solid in your quit.. you will be able to completely focus on end enjoy the bike riding, the landscape, the food! Can't wait to hear about it when you're back!

Slo, I hear you..I sure wish it wasn't so easy to buy alcohol here.. and I wish it wasn't legal to drink it walking down the streets, on the trams, in the parks, and beginning at the age of 16. And I really hate the advertising! In my opinion, that's the first thing that should be banned.. especially for the kids' sake, already pushed with beer, wine coolers=fun.
I hope you're feeling better today with regards to your relatives.. that's been the most difficult thing for me, too (I guess it probably is for all of us) finding different ways to deal with all of the emotions. I've just re-discovered warm baths.. didn't have any in summer and it's been feeling so good the past couple of nights.

Byrdie, sounds like you had a nice reunion! I hope you'll be able to head home soon!

ok. I've got to cook some food (already promised 30 minutes ago!).. big hugs to all of you, Lav, Ava, Pauly, NS, Pav, Marylou, G-man (good going on your nutrition plan!)..xx

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Yo! Hope all are well.

Big waves. Thanks LC. Day 6 of plant diet and my only obvious sugar intake is 2 teaspoons per day in my 2 morning coffees (Changing to stevia this week). If anything, feeling clearer and 'lighter' in the head. Body feels good. Hard to assess energy levels just yet as i run around a lot at work, but i reckon i'll be better able to tell later this week after a couple of days off. Either way, fresh organic veggies and fruit tastes really good! A symphony of flavour and colour bursting forth upon the palette.

Take care out there everyone. Boozing is a one way ticket to hell. A slow suicide.

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

I ended up meeting an old work friend for lunch today, nice to catch up. No AL ever for us
And somehow I ended up with my grandsons here this evening but just for a few hours - another reason why it’s good to be AF!

G, what are you eating in place of meat for protein? I made some awesome black bean burgers tonight, yum.
I definitely feel better when I consume fewer animal products

Hello to LC, Wags & Pauly!
We went to an Applebees for lunch today & I just realized the server did not try to push any AL on us. That was probably a first, ha ha!

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi! Glad to hear everyone's doing well. G, the nest is brighter with you in it - thanks for stopping by. Glad to hear you are sticking to your food plan.

Not much going on today. But I've been reminiscing:

I remember when I used to wake up at 3am, sweating, nauseous, headache, shame - feeling like I had been poisoned. I'd take Advil and tell myself I would feel better when I woke back up at 6:30. Then I'd wake up at 6:30, and tell myself I felt much better than I did at 3:00, so I could deal with it and get up and get going. I would tell myself I would never drink again - and THIS would be the night I would stop. I would punish myself with exercise and feel terrible trying to swim laps while hungover - but I would tell myself I'd feel much better by noon. At noon, most of the nausea and other symptoms would be mostly gone. That magic time between noon and 2pm I would feel more human and still be pretty sure I wouldn't need to drink that night. I'd even feel a little better about myself because I knew I could NOT drink that night. At 2:00, the cravings started kicking in. Any stresses of the day would have hit and I would be so tired from the poor sleep the night (and decade) prior, that I would "deserve" a drink THAT night, just not the next day. I could allow myself ONE. By 4:00, I would have a solid plan about how and where I would get alcohol and consume it. I would either stop off at a store and drink a solid glass and a half on the last 5 miles home, careful to tip the bottle only when other cars couldn't see me. Then I would get home and have to make dinner. Poor me, I would say - I have to do so much work. Then the kids would do something stressful, and the husband would be in a bad mood or say something rude and I would definitely DESERVE more than that one glass I had already surpassed - because drinking was my own private sanctuary that no one could touch. I'd say "fuck the world" and keep drinking until 3 or occasionally more glasses were down - often running down to the basement or sneaking in the kitchen cupboards or my office desk drawers for mini-shots - because "the small nips really didn't count". Then I'd realize I had more than I'd planned, and realize I probably was showing signs of drinking, so I would stand further away from my family when we talked, and not make eye contact. If possible, I'd just not be around them. I'd slur my way through reading to my kids - almost passing out and then I'd fall into bed - glad the day was over. Sometimes I'd kick myself for drinking more than I'd tell myself I would - but often, even in bed, I would consider actually running down to the basement for one last nip - because more was better, right?

Then I'd wake up at 3am with sweats, nausea, headache and shame.

What a vicious cycle. The only thing that EVER changed was that I started having shots at 2-3pm instead of 4-5 - because the work I was doing was "boring". I'm quite sure I even lost a new project because I was "out of it" when they called me at 4:30.

The picture of my life now is 180 degrees different. And though sometimes I crave things about drinking or alcohol - I NEVER, EVER, EVER want to go back to wasting my time, health and relationships on booze. Now, if I wake up at 3am, its to pee, or because one of my kids needs me (and I can be there for them without being grumpy and sick). I spend my time engaging with my friends and family (instead of hiding), building my business and streamlining my work processes, putting forth more quality design solutions and focusing on how to build myself up - yoga, meditation, clean eating, clutter clearing. I am a better mother, wife, and self-advocate. I participate in society, engage with strangers more and am focused on positive things - NOT JUST GETTING MY NEXT FIX (or recovering from one).

It's SO worth it to get and stay sober. If you're struggling, keep trying! You'll find your way out!

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Kensho, that's one for the Toolbox, IMO! It could definitely dissuade someone who might be on the fence..
Thanks for the super detailed run-down.. that was my life, too, and I never want to go back. xx

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening, Nesters!

So, today was a difficult one, where I had to step back and remind myself of everything I'm grateful for, for the little things that I wouldn't even notice if I were drinking.. finding gratitude in the fact that I can now enjoy those little things, as well as notice them. Today it was helping my daughter set up a booth at the kids' flea market at the park across the street, baking an Autumn-apple cake for it while enjoying a balmy afternoon at the same time.. the warmth of the sun, but with a slight dampness in the air reminded me of visiting my Grandma at her place in Orange County when I was a kid, I just slowed everything down and tried to enjoy each step instead of rushing through.. and then I was easy on myself for again forgetting to do that in the first place. Maybe it's my age, but I'm done with wasting my time running around, stressing. Done! I took a cool shower, made a nice fresh tomato/basil/zucchini pasta dish which we'll each as soon as the youngest is back from frisbee.. In 2 hours I'll head to bed for a nice, long and restful sleep and tomorrow will be another day. Hugs to you all!!

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

Morning nesters

Back to the cooler weather which sucks, the hospital is overflowing with cases of the flu and cold related illnesses so we are really busy. just when we thought hospital life was doable its now out of control. Bring on the warmer weather i say.

Kensho after nearly 5 years sober i still have vague memories of what my life was like, i remember not looking in the mirror as i didnt like what i saw which was a shell of a person who was killing herself by drinking. The positives are many as you say and life really is the best sober even with its ups and downs. I think of Byrd at the moment and it takes strength and committment not to reach for the bottle and a plan and lots of tools but she is showing us how it is done with dignity and aplomb (i like that word). The more time sober the easier it becomes and for me accountability each and every day is a priority. Thanks for the memories as its a great reminder of why i dont want to ever go back.

This morning my SO said i was talking in my sleep and i was telling him i had only ONE glass of wine! i cant remember that one and have no idea where i was or who i was with or what i was doing. must be my subconscious telling me something as conscious me has no plans on having ONE glass ever. It is extremely rare that i even feel like a drink now.

LC gratitude is a must with not drinking. i could never understand why others on here said i had to be grateful when i felt i had nothing to be grateful for as i was losing my best friend al. Now waking up sober is my grateful each day, if the rest of the day turns to shit it doesnt matter too much. Your grateful day sounds wonderful.

Today i have a 4 hour training course for a huge program they are introducing to the hospital then i will be classified as a "super user", yeah right! ive got no idea and they have no program to practice on which makes it difficult. my doctors arent keen for this program and set in their old ways, it should be interesting when it starts.

Hope you are able to get home Byrd and everyone is safe and sound.

Take care x

[Slo]

Re: Newbies Nest

I have really enjoyed all of your insightful posts.

Kensho, thanks for reminding us of what it really was like in our daily lives in minute detail to have lost control and be controlled by that drug. And it will do it to us again if we drink it again.

Lifechange, now that sounds like a good day! Being busy & stressed and packing it all in is way overrated.

Available, I love how strong you are in your sobriety, and how you can handle whatever they throw at you at the hospital. And with aplomb!

I’ve had a few really low, down days where I’ve had absolutely no energy. Just sluggish and can hardly move. Must be like de-toxing days. And emotionally I had that weird, strong visceral reaction to being back in my mother’s hometown, and got hit with feelings of how it felt as a kid in that family; feeling invisible, and unable to feel safe or develop trust what with all the high levels of bullying, malicious gossip, anger, & shunning going on; all covert and under the veneer of good Christian women -and the more religious they were, the meaner they were. It was confusing to a kid in a religious school learning about “love”, but observing what seemed like the opposite.

I’m surprised that I still have such powerful, uncontrollable internal reactions to childhood memories at this advanced age. But I guess I’ve been drinking them away for decades, so they’re still there! And it is the hard part now of being sober, as [MENTION=15430]lifechange[/MENTION] said. So, warm baths and back to ice cream. Luckily I have a twin sister whom I can talk it all through with, as she saw the craziness too, so that has been a lifesaver. Otherwise, I think I would have gone crazy. And I’ve seen it happen in my family.
So, I hope it’s over and I can get back on the upswing soon!

Lavande, hope your allergy testing went ok today.
[MENTION=7261]Guitarista[/MENTION], I hope your diet works well for you, but for me, unfortunately adopting too strict of a diet usually sends me into a relapse.
Wagmor, my nephew & his GF have boarded the plane now with their bikes for their bike ride in Italy! [MENTION=9396]DriftyAlison0[/MENTION], how did your longer workweek go last week?