A hard today

[Prairie Fairy]

A hard today

I spritzed up enough calming Pheromones to chill out a horse.

Some people don't believe in them - but then a) scent is the least understood of the five senses and b) lots of people thought the world was flat once too. Whatever - to each their own. I've got a blend heavy in the Phero known for calming PMS'ed women on - (works when you aren't PMS'ed too) and now I'm chilling out some.

Time to settle down and work before my big presentation to the client this afternoon. I hate having one at the end of the day on Friday. Blah.

[lolab]

A hard today

i don't think it's really that we need to suffer in silence - just try to remember that things are really in a bit of an upheaval in the beginning...maybe things will settle? maybe they won't...but to initiate a confrontation - might be another way our brains are trying to get alcohol back into our lives? I know that I sought out conflict - and sometimes still do - and my initial reaction when my blood starts boiling? "I need a drink."

I lurked on Guitarista's thread and I hope you don't mind if I include a quote from you...Mr. G. " for me, it's essential i maintain my emotional stability and equilibrium in early sobriety. Getting emotional, stressed, and worked up about something, anything, can be enough to derail me. For many of us in early sobriety, or when trying to get and stay sober, any kind of emotional challenge or change......whilst exciting, for me i need to keep an even keel and be cool about things" He wasn't talking about this kind of turbulence :-) but it still applies, I think.

[stumpy]

A hard today

PF, Sometimes we become so use to dysfunction that when it's not in our lives we create it because it's the only way we are use to living. JMO. My husband is NOT suppose to drink (for health reasons) but yet he used me to go out and be with out drinking with our buddies and now, he's a little upset that I can't sit in a bar and hangout. Our whole marriage has been based on and around alcohol, I don't know what the future will bring with our relationship, one day at a time.

[LibraryGirl]

A hard today

I wonder if many of us were so enmeshed in drinking that we chose our SO's with rose-tinted glasses? I know I was lonely, very recently separated, and drinking heavily when I hooked up with mine. I feel like I've spent the majority of our relationship trying to justify his behavior, to save my own face. If he's that bad, what the hell am *I* doing with him? That's what keeps me from admitting to others sometimes how unhappy I am, sometimes. Seems telling somehow that many of us have "issues" now with our SO's.

[stumpy]

A hard today

LibraryGirl, I was in love with my husband for 15 years while me being sober. When he left his wife and chased after me, I fell even more in love with him (not knowing he was a long time functioning alcoholic) so when we started dating and going out and having cocktails, I just thought it was normal until we married, that's when things changed. He would bring home those big fat bottles of white wine and his case of bud....8 years I did this. My first marriage, I was 17 and never drank for 13 years. After my first divorce I had three kids to raise no family out here, never drank in my house, would go out every other weekend and have a couple when the kids were away. Some how i let meself become a major problem drinker. Thats over now. I still love my husband but I will not go down that road again with him and he knows it.

[LibraryGirl]

A hard today

Good for you, stumpy. My ex and I got into the habit of nightly drinking together. We had issues, but somehow even though my current SO does not drink, it's worse, lol. However, I probably wouldn't have stopped the nightly habit had the ex and I stayed together.

[Slaythefear]

A hard today

LibraryGirl;1375049 wrote: I wonder if many of us were so enmeshed in drinking that we chose our SO's with rose-tinted glasses? I know I was lonely, very recently separated, and drinking heavily when I hooked up with mine. I feel like I've spent the majority of our relationship trying to justify his behavior, to save my own face. If he's that bad, what the hell am *I* doing with him? That's what keeps me from admitting to others sometimes how unhappy I am, sometimes. Seems telling somehow that many of us have "issues" now with our SO's.

Wise observations and can be very true, but I'd like to add I think women often drink a lot because of emotional upsets and conflicts in regards to those relationship issues. It becomes stressful and as women we are often out of sink with what we need from our men (emotional support and expressions of love) and what they provide. We fill the hole or need with alcohol. When not met, they can leave the same emptiness you had before you became partners or make it much worse.imo We really are wired differently.

[Slaythefear]

A hard today

stumpy;1375042 wrote: PF, Sometimes we become so use to dysfunction that when it's not in our lives we create it because it's the only way we are use to living. JMO. My husband is NOT suppose to drink (for health reasons) but yet he used me to go out and be with out drinking with our buddies and now, he's a little upset that I can't sit in a bar and hangout. Our whole marriage has been based on and around alcohol, I don't know what the future will bring with our relationship, one day at a time.

That's my girlfriend. I know women that have to create drama if there isn't any. I think sometimes it's a cry for proof that the man loves them. Fight for me, damnit or I won't know you love me. I, on the other hand, HATE conflict and drama. I thrive in calm peaceful environments and fall apart in chaos and craziness. I'm not good when everything is out of control and order. It's often why I would escape into the bottle. I felt overwhelmed, but I escaped for many reasons...even rewards for feeling good. Habits I made that turned and made me.

[Slaythefear]

A hard today

lolab;1375039 wrote: i don't think it's really that we need to suffer in silence - just try to remember that things are really in a bit of an upheaval in the beginning...maybe things will settle? maybe they won't...but to initiate a confrontation - might be another way our brains are trying to get alcohol back into our lives? I know that I sought out conflict - and sometimes still do - and my initial reaction when my blood starts boiling? "I need a drink."

I lurked on Guitarista's thread and I hope you don't mind if I include a quote from you...Mr. G. " for me, it's essential i maintain my emotional stability and equilibrium in early sobriety. Getting emotional, stressed, and worked up about something, anything, can be enough to derail me. For many of us in early sobriety, or when trying to get and stay sober, any kind of emotional challenge or change......whilst exciting, for me i need to keep an even keel and be cool about things" He wasn't talking about this kind of turbulence :-) but it still applies, I think.

G's comment caught me as well when I read it on the other thread. I made a comment to him about being a wise man. I can relate to that. I know I need more calm in my life and need to set better boundaries to keep it as chaos and drama free as possible.

[Slaythefear]

A hard today

Kradle, suffering in silence will trigger drinking. Unmet needs and internal hurts are dangerous to the soul and your core as a person. That's not to say our spouse is responsible for meeting all our needs as we are and that includes communicating rationally to get them met. Just make sure they aren't just impulses and trivial and are true needs. What's the point of a relationship if you aren't mutually benefiting and loving one another? I've been in the kid situation in a bad marriage; however, for me it was emotionally abusive for both me and my child. She started begging me to leave, so I finally did. I did stay for a long time though through some miserable years. In that time, I didn't drink, so it had nothing to do with our problems.

On the other side of the coin, waging war with irrational expectations is only going to make matters worse. Dig into yourself as you stay sober and figure out what you really need from your relationship and what is fair for both of you. It may take time to reconnect. People lose connection without alcohol problems, so it always takes conscious thoughts and actions and RESPECT for one another. That may have been damaged and needs repair through time. With that said, you still have needs. We all do. Our spouses included. Give and take. IMO

[pixie]

A hard today

In my situation I don't think I'm seeking out a conflict for the sake of conflict (or to allow myself to drink), I just want some kind of resolution, one way or another, about our relationship. It simply s$%ks to be in this limbo where I'm sober enough to recognize the gravity of the issues, but I'm holding back for fear of doing something rash at this stage.

As for rose-tinted (is that rose with the accent, as in the wine? ) glasses, we were both drinking when we met but it was not problem drinking at that point, mostly just social drinking with friends. Maybe it had some influence, though I think my glasses were more naive-colored than anything.

[stumpy]

A hard today

Hi Pixie. I'm sure you are not seeking out conflict but some of us realize that we were so use to dysfunction, that once it was out of our lives, we created more. If you are in fear of doing something rash at this stage then don't do it. Unless there is violence in your life, I would just sit back and think it through. When did you quit AL?

[Kradle123]

A hard today

Slay, Pixie and Stumpy(no longer Grumpy ) you are all right on the money.
Slay I've been accused of a lot but never suffering in silence....:H I think if I had sometimes it would Have been better! The mutual benefit dimension is a tough nut...we have three awesome kids who adore him and for the most part, he and I function well together for them...not perfect but pretty well. But you're right: I can't wage the war... And I do, without drinking, trying to talk it all to death, make myself heard, get absolution...I don't know But it will take time to reconnect. We actually used those words this morning. I guess when I want to rip his face off I should come here and read and get perspective.

STumpy sometimes i do deliberately seek out the conflict because I'm bipolar and the pressure in my body, my head can really build. Its almost as bad as craving AL. It feels horrible. Meds are a huge help- absolutely, but i also grew up with that so the dysfunction on a basilevel feels very normal to me...
I wish I were someone who had been raised to seek Peaceful environs. It's a skill for me, I'm afraid. I do have tools which help so that's good...

However I am ultimately seeking REAL resolution as PIXIE says. And maybe there just isn't going to be the resolution I have in mind.

I do believe that this relationship with my husband is my largest most significant hurdle. If I can get a handle on this, I think I stand a real chance for some real change. So thanks for this thread because it got us talking (well fighting) this morning but ultimately we came together and hugged and that's a good thing,
:l

[stumpy]

A hard today

Kradle, What a great post. I'm glad this helped you. I grew up in dysfunction and spent half of my adult life seeking it out. I finally ( a few years ago) learned how to live a peaceful life (fun yes but peaceful).

[Byrdlady]

A hard today

All of these are magnificent posts...insight as to the ripple (drinking joke) effect that AL has on us, our decisions and our relationships. I'm so glad to read that others are working thru this also. Yet another aspect of recovery....we are not alone in this either. Thanks everyone. B