Six month check in

[available]

Six month check in

Yes Moll i am totally agreeing with what you are saying, i realised ages ago that i was an alcoholic but i suppose we get that thought of "oh i can have a couple and enjoy it", im totally in control. Totally WRONG. I want to be at your stage and i know i can get there, i am in the right mind frame that is why i came back on here and not avoided MWO like the plague as i know everyone on here understands the struggles that occur.

God i feel for your husband, nothing i do is good enough. I am lucky i bought up four great children with little hangups. My dr today wants me to see a psychologist to move on from her issues which i am definitely going to do as she makes me feel so guilty and i really have nothing to feel guilty about. At her age no she will never change. I thank god for the support of my wonderful children. I think there is a reason my brother was an alcoholic and died from it and why i am one too. To drown out listening to her lol.

[available]

Six month check in

I went to counselling before to get over father issues and god now mother issues. I can imagine i will be devastated also when she dies. I have not seen my father for 20 years and i will probably have the same issues also. And i need to move on from those issues.

Oh i want no AL in my life so very much. I have the taste now, i know i can do it and i truly want to. when i gave up for 40 days it was wonderful and i felt so good and my kids were so proud of me. they still are but i want them to be prouder.

[MossRose]

Six month check in

Well, I managed to grab a few hours of on and off sleep. Feeling a bit better today. Confession really is good for the soul. I just caught up on the posts here. Some really good stuff. Molly - I agree, nothing watery. We all are struggling - FOO issues (Avail, hang in there), mother-guilt, depression and anxiety. I am very sure now that I was depressed/anxious before I decided to kick AL out of my life. But due to my heavy drinking during that time, I couldn't even begin to sort out my feelings. Everything was just dark and messy. Chicken or egg??

I probably should have addressed the depression issue 3 years ago when my marriage and life blew up. I was offered ADs back then, and never filled the prescription. Once again, I arrogantly thought I could just tough it out. Part of it stems from my upbringing. I was raised to believe that depression is a character flaw - which I know is untrue. My parents are now elderly, and still very loving. But they still don't understand why I would even consider taking pills. They just want me to "pull myself up by my bootstraps..."

So, I will share what the tipping point was the other day. I live in a small town and try to avoid certain places and people due to my divorce. My ex ran a smear campaign against me that I am only now learning the full extent. Yes, those who know me realize it's untrue, but it still hurts. He has now betrayed me in every possible way.

And how do I know this? I ran into one of his affair partners uptown last week. She had plenty to say. That woman has no shame. I felt like my universe turned upside down all over again. Just seeing her brought back some ugly, shameful emotions. I was already struggling and this was the tipping point. I know - stupid of me. Then they win. I just signed a new lease, but by this time next year, I'll be moving out of this burb. Too many bad memories here.

Now, I am going to take the good advice I have gotten here and make a plan.

Today:
1. I will take two 15 minute walks on my breaks rather than hit the vending machine for a candy bar.
2. As soon as I post this, I am going to start a crockpot full of soup so there is food ready when I get home.
3. Talk to my co-worker who is an animal activist about volunteering for one of her organizations. She is always looking for people. Time to do something of value with my time.

Have a good day all. I am off to get the soup started.

[Loveless]

Six month check in

Hello Moss how are you today? just about to leave on my walk with my son i will be back on after wish me luck

[paulywogg]

Six month check in

Sounds like a good plan moss,i wish you all the best

[available]

Six month check in

Hey Moss Day 2 and i like you slept like crap but hey expected. I wish i realised the withdrawals that i would have to go through again when stopping before i started again. Oh well its not going to kill me.

I like you never thought i would need AD's and i have been on and off them for years and now seem to know when i need them again before i hit rock bottom. Im not suicidal but i feel worthless and we know we are not. How dare that woman abuse you, does she not realise that she was with someone elses husband. Doesnt make her role model material in my opinion. You are a good woman and deserve to be happy and not bought down to their level. My ex screwed around on me also 4 years ago and i had a nervous breakdown. Not a happy time and my drinking got worse than what it ever was. Counselling and meds and my children got me back to the here and now. Now i want to thank her for taking the pig of a man out of my life.

My mother is at the ignoring me stage so life in my house is very strained but i am NOT going to drink today. I am going to work and when i come home will hide in my bedroom. She will go home and not talk to me to make me feel even guiltier. Hey she did the same thing last year and if memory serves the year before also. Life has to move on.

Loveless I hope you made yourself proud today by cutting/stopping your drinking. The first few days are hard but they do get easier.

Well everyone I am posting and posting so time to drive you all nuts but i know this works.

Take care and thanks for the advice.

[MossRose]

Six month check in

It was a fairly good day. Amazing how much better I feel already after only 2 sober days. I'm back in the game and this time, it's for real. I'm never visiting hell again. Pauly, thanks for the shout out. Hope you are doing well. Love, I see you are getting very sound advice in the nest. Take good care of yourself, okay?

I managed to do most things on my list today. Well, I only took one walk, but it was a crazy day at work. My friend gave me the names and numbers for a few different volunteer opportunities. I'm going to follow up on those tonight. And the house smells wonderful. Chicken leek soup simmering in the crockpot. I added one more thing to the list today after I was at work. I already had an appointment for a physical scheduled with a doctor. I'm embarrassed to tell you when I had my last one. Anyway, I called today and asked if they could move my appointment up, and they did. It's now December 3rd.

I will explore the option of ADs at that appointment. But my friend made a good point last night. She said I should really rule out anything physical that may be causing the anxiety first - hormone levels, vitamin deficiencies, etc. I thought that sounded like good advice.

Avail - glad we're doing this together. Sorry your mom is being punitive. That must be awful. This made me laugh: "Now i want to thank her for taking the pig of a man out of my life." I think I'll take your advice. Next time I run into my ex's girlfriend, I think I'll flash her a big smile and tell her thank you. She hates me because she thinks I ruined her life because I told (well, actually showed) her fiance proof of the affair. He called off the wedding. I've often wondered if I would have told him if they had been married with children. Probably not. One family in ruins was enough. But I felt he had a right to know since he was getting ready to make a lifetime commitment. She has never shown a drop of remorse for my family. Though in hindsight, she did me a huge favor.

Have a good night all.

[broken halo]

Six month check in

Rose, I love your plan, well done! And you too Available! You two ladies came on here feeling really low, asked for advice and went off and did something really positive about how you were feeling.

I know when I was drinking that underneath my fa?ade, I always had this sense of dread, like something bad was going to happen. I thought I was going crazy sometimes. I felt anxious, sad and afraid. Since going to AA I have discovered that almost everyone I have spoken to or heard speaking felt exactly the same way. Someone called it a 'sense of impending doom'. It was HORRIBLE!

I still have problems in my life, but the more sobriety I get, the more I feel able to deal with the bad stuff. And I don't have that sense of dread that I did every day when I was drinking.

I hope this helps in some way. You guys are not alone. I fell from a great height 41 days ago but I managed to build some sobriety back up again. You two ladies have had good periods of sober time behind you, and you know you can do it again! The type of honesty in your posts here will carry you far. post here if it gets too much sometimes.

Wishing you both strength and love, I'm proud to be sharing my journey with people like you.

I can't think about tomorrow, or the day after but I won't drink today. :l

[available]

Six month check in

Moss, good on you for telling her fiance at the time. I would hope that i would have the guts to do that if i knew someone in that situation. Funny how you got blamed for what she and the ex did. Funny how we realise after what a good thing they did. I was devastated and thought my world had ended but now i have been single for 4 years and enjoy my life.

I have to go and have a blood test shortly, the dr says its a thing they are doing for people over 45 health wise and im like, oh my god what are my liver levels going to be like as i have never said anything to any dr but I am at a stage where i dont care anymore. I need the support and I do have a great gp. I am just too scared to say anything. Go figure. Like you Moss I cant recall the date when i had a blood test for anything last though i do do the pap smears.

BH i remember your lowest of lows, god was it 41 days ago. So very proud of you, i could feel you hit rock bottom but you got up and went forward. You are an inspiration to me.

At the moment I dont know what to do, my mother is not leaving until the 26th and she is not talking to me, she is talking to my boys though but ffs i want her to apologise for what she said to me and the children. I know in my heart it wont happen but gees. So i have a mother in the house who is not talking to me and i feel as guilty as all hell but i did nothing wrong. Anyone want me to come visit lol.

[MossRose]

Six month check in

Well, made it through night 3, and feeling very well this morning. The anxiety is lifting. Amazing how AL poisons not only our bodies, but our minds. Bhalo said it best:

broken halo;1588128 wrote:

I know when I was drinking that underneath my fa?ade, I always had this sense of dread, like something bad was going to happen. I thought I was going crazy sometimes. I felt anxious, sad and afraid. Since going to AA I have discovered that almost everyone I have spoken to or heard speaking felt exactly the same way. Someone called it a 'sense of impending doom'. It was HORRIBLE!

I still have problems in my life, but the more sobriety I get, the more I feel able to deal with the bad stuff. And I don't have that sense of dread that I did every day when I was drinking.
:l

Spot on! And words to live by. Thank you, BH. Avail - I'm following along on your thread.

It's been quiet in my world. My son was home last night and it was comforting to just have him here. I spent a couple of hours yesterday changing over my email address (wow - what a process. I didn't know how many accounts were linked to it) and permanently deleting my FB account. I felt such relief. Next up is a new phone number. I am now one step further away from my ex and any other people who I no longer wish to hear from. Onwards and upwards. I'm leaving the past where it belongs - in the past.

I read an interesting article in the NY Times, "The Flight From Conversation," by Sherry Turkle. Would love someone else's take on it. She said what I have been thinking for years.

Well, need to shuffle off to work. Just wanted to check in and keep myself accountable. Have a good day all.

[j-vo]

Six month check in

Mossrose and Available,
Sounds as though you girls on on your way. Rose, you've gone through lots. You sound really positive and I love how you're structuring your days and will volunteer on top of everything else! Inspiring. I have not gone to Gyn. in three years. Oh, I need to get there, but I haven't taken care of myself until recently. Before it didn't matter to me if I would happen to get anything such as breast cancer or whatever they check for. I really was that low. I have a name and number of a new gyn as my old one creeps me out. Ladies, have a wonderful, sober day!

[broken halo]

Six month check in

Rose, good job on the email and deleting facebook. You are severing your ties to the past and the things that led you to the bottle, excellent work. I am so glad the anxiety is lifting and you are feeling more positive. Your determination is shining through in your posts and the actions you are taking, well done.

[MossRose]

Six month check in

j-vo, so glad to hear you are making an appt with a new doctor. I know that feeling of being so low that taking care of our health becomes a low priority. I'm sure many here have been there too. I guess I have also avoided doctors because I didn't want my dirty little secret coming out. Then I feel guilty, because there are so many people in the world fighting terrible diseases who would give anything for the cure to be within their control. We have that option, but sometimes lose sight of that - alcoholics are just plain self-destructive. It's the nature of the beast. I know this subject has been discussed many times on the boards, but thanks for reminding me that I am fortunate enough to be able to heal myself just by making a decision and sticking to it. I will say an extra prayer tonight for a coworker of mine who is not so lucky.

I'm actually looking forward to getting a baseline "diagnosis." I'm sure it will be eye opening. But I plan to use that information to keep me moving forward, and do whatever it takes to regain my health - physically and mentally.

Well, off to eat a late dinner. Then heading under the covers with a book. I bought Stephen King's new book, Dr. Sleep, tonight. It's a sequel to The Shining. The reviews claim it's a throwback to his earlier work. I've been reading a lot of wonderful, but heavier stuff lately. So, this sounds like so much fun.

Bhalo - thanks for the support as always! You are the best and inspire me. xx

Day 4 almost in the rear view. Take care all.

[MossRose]

Six month check in

I haven't posted here for a while, so thought it was time to be accountable. I'm struggling. The holidays are really getting to me this year. I guess it's due to everything being so different now. Old traditions would only serve to make things more depressing. I need to come up with some new ideas. I have learned that divorce is a bit like trying to quit AL. In the beginning (at least for me) it was easier - I was still mad at both of the bastards. My ex for being so cruel, and AL for helping me destroy my life. Now, some time has passed, the anger is fading, and both are back whispering those lies in my ear. I so badly want to believe both of them. But I know in my heart that neither one cares about me one bit. It's all about what they want.


Yet, I know how blessed I am, and this bluesy feeling is dumb. So many people have things worse. Maybe I should focus on that - finding a way to be of service rather than being so self-involved. I actually entertained the idea of trying to moderate recently. This was all just getting too hard. The wonderful AF times - the horrid relapses - then the shame and guilt. But after doing some serious reading and research, I have realized that it won't work for me. I will never be in control. AL will always win. I know it has been said many times, but oh how I envy normal drinkers.

Don't mean to be depressing. Just getting these thoughts out of my head, so they don't consume me. Counting down the days to my dr. appointment. I really hope she can help me get out of this funk.
Now I'm really late for work. Thanks for listening.

[NoSugar]

Six month check in

Good morning, Moss

Glad you aren't thinking moderation anymore. We're not built for that! But- in other areas of life this can be a good thing.

Before I got to your second paragraph, 'service' popped into my mind. Do you know (even a little bit) people who will be alone or cannot afford a good meal? Maybe take that leap of faith and invite them to one at yours. Or work at a soup kitchen and serve the meal tomorrow. Or buy some good food, walk down the street, and give them away to someone who might need it. Treat yourself to dinner out and pay for someone else, also.

Maybe think of something to do each day of December that will benefit someone else. It doesn't have to be a big thing - just something to remind yourself it is good you are here. And it is :l.


PS. I guess you deleted your post. Why? Let me know if you want me to remove my response. xx