Get out of my face! (A warning)

[beatle]

I'm having a tough time and a bad experience I want to share in case it might help others and if anyone has any advice for me.

After years of struggling with my alcohol problem (but making small steps of improvement, slowly but surely) I finally decided I was tired of living a lie and fessed up to my family and closest friends. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Everyone was super supportive and non-judgemental and I was relieved and felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders.

But after a short while it backfired. Now everyone is constantly asking how I'm doing (read: am I still sober?) and full of well-meaning but annoying advice. It's almost enough to drive me to drinking again! It seems I've been recast as "the recovering alcoholic" and that's taken away my former identity as a person. I really regret telling them, and I wish I had just continued as I was, making progress on my own and getting closer to my goal of being AF for the rest of my life.

well, that's my story. I hope others have had better experiences with "outing" themselves. But I also wanted to warn those who are thinking about it that it might not be so great.

[4everakid]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

KHey Beatle, wow, man don't know what to say!!! That is tough and unfortunate! Its funny how even good intentions can come out condesending and patronizing. Good on you for making that step, that is HUGE!!!!! one quick question, I hope this does not add fuel to the fire, but did you tell them you wanted to be AF forever, or just learn how to moderate? I thought I would ask, because in time, that may be a different kind of situation you may need to be prepared for. In either case, I'm so proud, that took a lot of guts, and over time, they'll stop asking and just start seeing.

It is ironic however, as I just got home after an absolutely horrible day at work and have been having to rework my brain from the beer. Actually thinking I may take another ativan just to calm. Well as you read, very resently, i did the same with the folks where I am, not family members or close friends from home (was thinking about it, but may now will put that thought away for a little while). Well my two buddies here are really supportive.....in that, they can't wait till I get my fill of AF and can come out and be 'my old self' again..... On the other side, just finished 'arguing' with my boss about trying to get $400 back on my paycheck.....she wants to keep it as a deposit to make sure I am never late, nor do I ever get sick again (mind you I was only late once!!) and when I was sick (full and utter breakddown, I only did miss two classes, a day in which we had a long conversaton and she was 'soooo supportive' :P)......so I understand, although I am on the flip side, it is like you show your weakness, you gather enough strength to do that and then the world just decides to take a crap on you!!! Ugh, Well if i'm not going to be drinking, my lungs sure won't feel to good in the morning as they will have to make up for it!!!! Anyway, Beatle, I'm so sorry to hear that you are being treated that way!!! Why? Why? Why? I think this is why so many of us hide it, just so we don't afterwards have to be patronized, nor condemned.......when during the whole process nobody even had a clue!!! ..........well I can definately say they still don't have a clue, but in a much different way!!! Sorry Beatle......I do hope things change for the positive for you. Don't have much advice to offer, as I find myself in the same, yet opposite boat. My solution, my boss and I will no longer be on speaking terms till the end of my contract.......woowhooo AF, perfect timing!!!

[Quiescent]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

Exactly why I haven't even told my best friend, only my husband and one other friend who has the same problem I do.

[rachel28]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

sounds like u r havin bad day , wish i could say something usefull, this prob aint, as long as u r truthfull 2 yourself u cant go 2 wrong, stay strong and sod em!!!

[Guest]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

Damn Beatle, I have told a few, but no one has pestered me with thoses kinds of questions. That is just rude. You shared your experience and unless you mention it again they should let it lie. It is your issue. I understand that they are concerned for you, but you don't need constant supervision. That would piss me off to if people were always asking me how I was coming along on my drinking problem. Lets hope this dies down with time. Otherwise try to avoid them. No, they'll think you went on a bender. people just love to have someone to point to to make them feel better about themselves. Chin up Beatle, your the better person. I dare anyone of them to share a dark secret about themsleves.
Smiles & hugs
mar

[gitawine]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

I have told a few people and have mixed responses. No one in my family though, as they are all religious non drinkers. Luckily for me (or maybe unluckily) my friends all have the same or similar problems. They are supportive, but of course it probably makes them somewhat uncomfortable as they probably feel their drinking problems are being scrutinized. I would imagine when they ask you questions with that "probing" undertone, act surprised as if "why would you ask?" and just reply you're fine or great. They'll get the picture and soon enough when they start seeing you aren't drinking (if you're going AF) they'll quit asking. Sounds like you hid it well if everyone was so surprised....Can I ask you to tell your story, as in what prompted you to determine you have a problem w/ alcohol? Only if you feel comfortable of course.
Gita

[hart]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

I haven't got a lot to add, because my answers are the same as many. I told a few friends and they have been supportive w/o being obtrusive. Why do people think they are the ones that will make the difference in others' problems when they can't cure their own? When it's a friend, I try and listen more than tallk, if they come to me. I think that's why I have a good amount of friends?

It is brave of you to do that and I like ((Gitawine's)) advice. Why would you ask?

Hang in their hon.

[adaptable]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

beatle, unfortunatly I did the same thing and I'm so sorry that I did. I wish I had kept my mouth shut. Time will work with us on this one if we don't fall back into old habits.

[sidney]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

I unfortunately had the same experience. My close friends I told about the Topa were completely skeptical and think I am getting high from it. Now I keep my big mouth shut but they do watch what I drink!

[beatle]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

wow, thanks for all the support. I'm sorry that some of you have also suffered the same thing and I hope sharing our experiences can maybe help others.

I've thought about this reply when asked, whether directly or indirectly, about it: "Don't worry. If I slip, you'll be the first to know." Do you think they'd get the point? (I've tried the "why do you ask?" response only to be told exactly why they ask-- as in:"you've slipped so many times before, and we are just concerned, you have to admit we have reason to be concerned, we just care about you," etc.

Anyway, I do think it will die down somewhat. In fact, it is a little better already (this happened a few weeks ago). But I do find myself avoiding the friends I told (which only makes them think I've relapsed, and they call to find out) and avoiding talking to my family on the phone.

Gitawine, I will tell my whole story in another thread, with a pre-warning that it will be long.

But the good news... I've been AF for 3 weeks and feel great. I can't imagine ever drinking again.

And a big plus is all the calories I save by not drinking. I can pretty much eat as much as I want and not gain weight. (I do try to eat healthily but I give myself a break with some chocolate or ice cream every day.)

thanks again everyone. I feel so much better already.

[ducky]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

This may sound overly simplistic, but when they question you could you just tell them that you are glad (even if you are not) that you were able to share your struggle with them, that you appreciate their support, but that you would like it if this did not come to define you. Assure them that if you need their help you will speak up but that although you decided to let them know you were making some changes, on a day to day basis you'd prefer it not be a topic of conversation? You might be suprised because if they realize they are making you uncomfortable they might stop. If they don't, then you can be more direct.

I have had similar situations w/e to dieting. I am overweight and if you tell people you are on a diet they tend to ask you how it is going...human nature I think. Sometimes I think the easiest thing is to just say ,"I am trying to take better care of myself and eat more healthfully {drink less}, instead of making prounouncements. Kindof a middle ground between being secretive (which fools nobody) and giving them every detail...

Just my thoughts for what they are worth.

[louise]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

Congratulations on the 3 weeks Beattle.

[roxane]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

ducky;146551 wrote:
I have had similar situations w/e to dieting. I am overweight and if you tell people you are on a diet they tend to ask you how it is going...human nature I think. Sometimes I think the easiest thing is to just say ,"I am trying to take better care of myself and eat more healthfully {drink less}, instead of making prounouncements. Kindof a middle ground between being secretive (which fools nobody) and giving them every detail...

Just my thoughts for what they are worth.

well put ducky, particularly the middle ground.

[MDBiker]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

I have told everyone I think should know. I think it gives me impetus to not drink. That said, I also have had people I seldom talk to calling me to see "how I am doing". I just laugh and say "Well, I'm not drunk and I feel better than I have in years. All of the other drinkers should try this". Most of them are drinkers and that kinda stops the persecution.

bear

[imatree]

Get out of my face! (A warning)

Beatle - The part of your story that seems most heartbreaking to me is that you feel you are now seen as a 'recovering alcoholic' rather than the person you've always been. That's profound and disturbing, and something we should all consider.

I too have a major 'outing' regret. Nearly a year ago I thought I was really truly going to be successful at quitting. This was long before I discovered MWO, and I thought for sure that my desperation and motivation to quit would make me successful. And I was so tired of hiding this secret, so I started talking. I told my newly hired boss (I can't believe I did that!) and a group of people from my company in a personal development class we were all in. Everyone was very kind and supportive. Trouble is, I was not successful in quitting or even cutting back. So all the people from that class, for the past year I try to avoid as much as possible - especially those days when I know I look like hell from a hangover. And I live in a relatively small town - considering hte number of people I've told I'm always freaked when I have a drink at a restaurant or buy beer or wine somewhere.

Another reason I wish I hadn't said anything is due to the popular notion that there is no such thing as moderate drinking for one who previously had a problem. I'm not sure yet if I will be able to achieve moderation - but if I do, I don't want to be chastised by those 4 or 5 people I outed myself to who are big AA followers.

I hope to someday be enlightened enough to not give a damn what anyone thinks!