New here and starting Topa and with a question

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Sun,
I'm so glad you are back, I thought you might be gone for some odd reason and just when I was getting comfortable and making friends here, at least you didn't let my avatar scare you away, haha, it was a little wierd even to me but I like kind of wierd things even though I am the most down to earth Capricorn you will ever meet and a grandmother at that. And yes, I am feeling very happy and positive at the moment because I have been at my absolute wit's end for the last year and a half, just desperate, just like all of you, but I didn't start reading on this site until a month ago and didn't post until just a short time ago so it was all kept inside of me and no one else knew what I was going thru. My daughters had finally picked up on the fact that I have a problem but since they don't live with me they believed me when I said I had it under control and their dad is a raging alcoholic and pot smoker, we are divorced, and they see him just out of control and in total denial, so they naturally worry about me. I've been desperate because it finally became clear to me and took over my life. I would rush home and just gulp down the wine like it was the last bottle in the world and then start on another one a little more slowly, oh god, I was sick of it. The Topa was a mircle, on day 3 I had 3 AF days and since then only a glass now and then and some AF nights, still a bit of wanting it but I think it is mostly the habit. But I am terrified it will wear off. I am not stopping TOPA for all the money in the world.

So, that's my story and I'm sticking to it, I just pray it continues to go the same, and I've also had a hugh decrease in appetite. I am at 25 mg, I just can't believe, the SE have gone away, but I still feel kind of "dinstinctly calm" if that makes sense, it is wierd. I'm going to add 25 mg. tomorrow AM just because I feel a little increase in the "wanting it" feeling.

Thanks for being here Sun, I really appreciate your help, I just thank everyone here.
Hugs,
play

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh Play - I will never go away ! LOL I just have been so busy - I work retail and work has been crazy, plus the usual Christmas stuff - I always try, especially when someone new is here, to post more than usual, but this time I sort of blew it. So you have daughters - plural - me too - one is 25 and the other is 28. I also have grandchildren - 2 of them from my eldest daughter. They are 2 and 4, but I am a hopeless grandmummy - I like them when they are older and can listen and behave!! I am from the old school - my children behaved - my grands do not! I have been married for 30 years next March and Hubs drinks too - way more than me, but he keeps it well controlled if that makes sense? He works shifts, comes home at 3 or 4 in the morning, drinks, then goes to bed, and is fine in the morning. Now and then he will make an effort to cut down but we never have any trouble from his drinking. At one point I knew he was drinking before leaving work and driving home and I really got worried and talked to him about it so as far as I know he has stopped that. I never ever drive when I have been drinking. Not that I drink enough to worry about it.

I am SO pleased that Topa has been so wonderful for you. it is awesome when it works like that for someone. I kept taking it...and taking it... and was quite panicking thinking it would never work for me - and all of a sudden it kicked in - at the last minute and at the highest dose! The SE's do seem to wear off slowly, whatever they seem to be - except for the Topa Dopa and that I put down to age. I am not sure what is the Topa and which is age!! Just know that they do seem to go away.... I have never had the hair loss either - but have very thick fine hair and lose hair all the time - but have so much of it that it wouldn't really notice or matter if I did. I deliberately didn't look up the SE's because I didn't want to know what they were.

I must get to bed. I got in tonight from the closing shift - I am doing a clopen - close then an open - I need to be up at 5.00 and it is already midnight. Wonderful on how you are doing. Please feel free to PM me if you ever feel the need to or have any questions.

Hugs, Sun XX

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Sun, I like that work "clopen" and thanks for the PM invite, I will I am sure. So, I am a nurse which is why I am doing the meds on my own and don't want it on my record, I'm 62 and work full time. I have 2 grown daughters and 1 son and a 4 year old grandson who lives with my daughter and her husband who is from Barcelona in Spain. I don't get to see them all the time so I don't care if he behaves or not, haha, but I too love being a grandma and he is my only one, I'm encouraging them all the time and he will have a sister coming in March, YAY. I was a normal person drinker until around 47 when everything fell apart and it was all downhill after that, emotionally I am doing very well except that alcohol has taken over my life and I am sick of it and just can't continue living that way, so I'm rejoicing right now about the decreased lack of interest in alcohol, unbelievable. My mind still imagines it and last night I poured a glass but there was just no enjoyment in it which is kind of sad but not sad enough to go back to how it was, Yay, Yay, Yay. My biggest nightmare is that I will go back to that, it has happened so many times in the past. Waking up and having the best of intentions to not drink and then that time would roll around and I just found a glass of wine in my hand like I was almost unconscious when I did it, totally bizarre to understand it.

Yesterday I was reading another forum on the internet about people's nightmare reactions when they were stopping TOPA and it scared the daylights out of me, I had no idea it could be that bad, seizures, total confusion and delirium, on and on. The tapering protocol is to taper down the same way that you tapered up, so it I guess is supposed to actually take a good bit of time. Makes me stop and think about making sure that I always have a months supply of Topa sitting around in case I decide to stop for some reason. Then I remember that you and some others have stopped several times and seemed never to have any side effects at all. Maybe that is just different for everyone also. I think I will do the safe route tho as it did make me nervous, and also I'm not thinking of stopping for a very long long time. I want to know that I have definately established a new habit in place of the habitual drinking. I wonder if that can actually happen with Topa or if a person always goes back to the Cravings once they quit Topa. I wish some expert could shed some light on that issue.

Well I will close for now and I miss everyone, where are you all? Please post, I'm just getting to know you and want to know how everyone is doing.

Take care,
Playland

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Play - okay - my doc said I could just stop Topa with no SE's. So I am not sure why or where you read all the other stuff. I thought you had to titrate down but apparently you don't. Maybe those other people's reactions were psychological? I deliberately didn't read up on Topa's SE's so I would NOT get them!! the same with going off it. I think a lot of it is in the mind. As far as going back to the cravings once someone has stopped Topa - I am not sure about that. I know I did get the cravings back - after I quit for the 8 months and then stopped, I had broken my foot and was home for a week and very bored - I am an extremely active person - went back to work on crutches - shouldn't have but I did. Maybe in different circumstances I wouldn't have started drinking again - who knows? I am not sure that I wanted the drink - but I was BORED. Once I started again, it was so easy to get into past habits. Like you, I didn't really start drinking habitually until I was in my late 40's - I am 57 now. I have always liked a drink but could go for a few days without worrying about it. I am English and everyone that i know drinks over there (except my mum - LOL). It is a culture thing I think and really hard for anyone over there to quit! I am in USA now and have been for 30 years.

This forum - you will find that we post then don't. We all are so busy - but eventually someone will. Like I was gone. I always try to at least pop in and see if anyone has posted. I love this thread and love when someone else comes in - I wish Airam would post more. she is lovely and has such problems. She can't post often but it was she that started this thread. Airam - if you are reading this - we need you to post!!

I understand that you being a nurse do not want it on your record, although there are SO many health care workers that have AL problems, which I totally understand. you all do an awesome job and I commend you on that. As you saw, I had BC and the nurses were always so wonderful. I mean - they see the same thing day in and day out
yet always managed to make me feel special.

I am off to make a 6 layer raspberry cake to take in to work tomorrow - I work as a manager at a book store! Last day before Christmas thank goodness! And NO, we can't get it before Christmas!!!

Love and hugs to you,

Sun XXX

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Everyone, want to wish everyone a great holiday and hope you are having a safe sober time if possible. I've been so busy with my family here it has been almost impossible to post and probably will continue that way until after christmas. But just to update you, I am still doing well, I had a glass of wine last night and even though I am going for moderation I still feel bad that I seem to be giving in and having that glass of wine, but why am I whining when I have gone from 2 bottles of wine a night to one glass and sometimes none, gee, that is ridiculous, all in all I am overjoyed, I am on 25mg AM and 25mg PM and am just going to stay on that unless something changes.

Take care everyone, I will check the posts in case anyone needs me but will probably not really post for a couple of days.

playland xoxox

[Bruunhilde]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Everyone, happy holidays to you!

I'm having a glass of wine, I confess, but I have to say it is doing nothing for me. That's good, I'm getting a negative feedback loop like you, Play.

About Topa, the SEs are scary but they are scary on most drugs if you research them. Metformin, Welbutrin, some of the most widely used and effective drugs. Its good to make an informed decision and to stay at a low dose though.

Anyways, keep up the good fight and Sun, you might do a surprise goodbye kiss to your hubby as he goes out the door one night, just to make sure he's not hiding anything. We alkies do like to hide our nastiest habits and I'd sure hate to see you lose him. Sorry to bring fear to the discussion but I think its safest to just check out his car and his breath.

Love to all,
B

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Bruun - I don't think he drinks on the way to work. I think he drinks on the way home. Sometimes if I am up when he gets home, (which often is around 5 in the morning) I will go to give him a kiss hello and he will avoid me, go to the fridge and pull out a beer - and THEN will kiss me - so yes, I am wise to his tricks! He also keeps mouth wash in his car - another dead giveaway! Periodically we will discuss it and he will tell me he won't do it any more and he doesn't - for a while. He drives 48 miles each way to work and it freaks me out that he drinks POSSIBLY coming home - or before he comes home. I have no idea why - I have never nagged him about his drinking - he can drink what he wants when he gets home, so i don't understand why he can't wait til he gets home. It does worry me so much and when he is late - he can get in anytime from 3 until 5, but if he isn't in after 5.00 then I start imagining all manner of things and think the cops are going to come knocking on the door. it SO worries me. I NEVER EVER drive when I have been drinking and he knows better.

LOL re you having a glass of wine and it doing nothing for you. I am having a Guinness and I am loving it. I am feeling very nostalgic about my family in Uk, after visiting them this year and missing them so much - I wish I could be with them for Christmas. I will call them all tomorrow but it isn't the same. hubs works tomorrow too - we are going to daughters for lunch then he goes to work and I come home. but it will be sort of nice to have a quiet afternoon and evening after the madness of retail for the past few weeks. Then I work at 6.00 am on Boxing day anyway so need to be up early Monday.

What are you doing for Christmas Bruun? you haven't mentioned it? I hope you have a lovely day - lorry loads of love and hugs to you my friend - thank you for everything you have done for me - you really have helped me - way more than you know!

love, Sun XX

[Bruunhilde]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Sun,

I'm really feeling lucky that the alcohol isn't giving me good feelings, three nights in a row its done nothing for me. (Lucky in my long term plan to stop drinking, bummed in my short term escape seeking!)

I know if it was giving me that enjoyment, I'd drink a bottle and a half and be hungover every day. This is the first vacation that I haven't done that. I've been happy, energetic, busy, and today, anxious because its the Big Day and I have to go to my parents house. I was laughing about the irony of you wanting to be with family and my angst about seeing mine. It always makes me want to drink but this time I am popping a 1mg of xanax when I get there to see if I can calm down and enjoy the days with them.

All my best to you today Sun, enjoy the calm day and call your family in the UK. Maybe you can make it more "real) and skype them or something. Love to you and to all who read this!

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Bruun and Sun,

I'm kind of on cloud 9 this morning, so proud of myself, feel kind of like a normal person and it feels "oh so good". Big family christmas cooking day yesterday, I normally would have a glass of wine in hand all day (one after the other of course), so yesterday about 4 pm while cooking I poured half a glass just for that feel good habit feeling and sipped it ever so slowly for an hour until it was time for the champaign to break out, then I had that half glass which I didn't even finish and then it is quite remarkable that there was not even another bottle of wine opened for dinner as the guys were drinking beer, one daughter is pregnant and not drinking, the husband was sympathy not drinking and the other daughter had another glass of champaign and I didn't even finish mine and didn't even notice it. OMG, it just felt so so good, I loved it, I feel so good this morning. And the little "habit" part gave me immense enjoyment with just the sipping, not any buzz, just the "habit", does that make sense, I can definately live that way, "pray, pray, pray" for this kind of life.

HUGS, HUGS, to all of you,
playland

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

OH PLAY - I am so pleased for you - that is awesome! isn't it a wonederul feeling??? I am so so happy for you - I remember feeling the same - scared that it wouldn't last - but it does. And you are on such a low dose too - so you can always go up if needed. I think it is great - just great - I am smiling ear to ear for you

Well, now - to me. I have come to a decision. I am going to STOP. I know that when I drink I don't drink a lot, for the most part, and would really like to drink like a normal person - BUT I have someone who needs to stop - we did it together before and they need my help. SO, I have said I will join them. I just have to decide on my day. It is NOT going to be easy for me - that first day will be a killer I know. The Topa level I am at just doesn't hack it for me. I will up it again today but still don't think I will be at a high enough dose for me for it to help. I am thinking in about a week. Probably the 4th jan - although it might be sooner. watch this space.... there is one chap on here who was a gallon a day of rum drinker and he has done it. If he can, then I can. Will be needing your support my friends....... I will give you more details later.

Love and hugs to all, Love, Sun XX

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Sun, thank you so much for your kind works of praise, I can't believe that the topa has worked so well for me, it just seems like such a mircle after all that I have been thru all these years, and yes, it really seems too good to be true, that's why I am praying. I wish it was working as well for you but I'm glad that you only drink a few each night rather than a three times that many. I will be on here every day to support you. Remember when I said my ex is a raging alcoholic, well my son also has a big problem also, he is only 30 years old but at least he recognizes what is happening and is starting to get tired of it and yesterday I showed him the MWO site, I tried a year ago but he was in the denial stage, he still may not really be ready to try but at least he is ready to at least hear some of it. So, let the details come and we will be to listen, wish I could be there in person. I can't believe how quickly I have come to feel close to people here, it is so very nice. So, talk later today.

Hugs
play

[Midnight]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Play - I am so happy for you! It is such a wonderful feeling to feel like you can be a normal drinker. And good luck to you Sun! I think after the big mental hurdle and the first day or so it won't be so bad!

I have this whole week off which is POOR for my drinking. I always forget to take my morning topa and start wanting to drink mid afternoon. I can't wait to go back to work! And that is so awful to say.

Reading Allen Carr book over the break though but not sure it is doing much for me so far.

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Play and Midnight - Play - I will write out why I am doing it and for whom - but need to get it together in my head. My day will be next wednesday - silly I know but I need to prepare metally. It is a scary thought. I am glad that your son is beginning to recognize his problem - my 25 year old daughter and I have talked as well - she was starting to have trouble a year or two ago and we had a long talk - she still has her times when she drinks too much but has gone some time now without drinking every day. AL goes back in my family - and although Hubs is adopted, from the way he drinks, I KNOW it goes back in his too. It is good that we can both talk to our grown children about it. I also agree with feeling close to the folk on this site - if someone had told me even five years ago I would be chatting to people on line about my drinking I think I would have laughed at them!! But I am so happy that I found this site!

Midnight - I know what you mean about being off bad for your drinking. If I am working the closing shift (like tonight), I don't even THINK about drinking at work. Doesn't even cross my mind, yet when i am at home - as early as 3.00 in the afternoon, I start to think "oh a drink would be nice" - so I know where you are coming from. Tonight when i get in I will have probably two, then go to bed - will need to be up at 5.00 and not get to bed until midnight or 1.00 probably. I like the Carr book - although he isn't for everyone. he makes sense to me and I wish I had time to read it again before next Wednesday - I was half way through it again then put it down - maybe I will start at the halfway point where I left off because it does help me.

Well, need to go and do stuff - love and hugs all,

sun XX

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Sun, well of course you have to prepare mentally, it is a scary thought. I never really talked to my son about it before recently, I "lectured" him, because I tried to hide my own problem from him, now I'm sharing with him and that seems to be making quite a big difference. Perhaps your daughter actually has a grip on her drinking if she is going some times now without drinking every day, that seems a really good sign, I'm glad for her. My whole family was together this christmas including my ex-husband and it was so odd to sit back and watch him and my son drinking one beer after another, really the only ones drinking, it was a very strange feeling. I've had some other interesting feelings like pretty intense feelings of pain, guilt, grief and sadness that I'm sure I have been covering up with alcohol for years, I've been wondering what to do with those feelings now, hmmm.

Hi Midnight, being off work was one of my big triggers also, when I had free time I just started drinking in the past. Rather than get out and do something fun, I just drank the day away, yuck, wasted days. Tonight I had a little tiff with my daughter and felt that familiar feeling of wanting to just wash away the stressful feelings with a few drinks and I did actually get a glass of wine and take two quick drinks but just lost interest then, now I'm wondering what to do the the pain of the sad feelings of our tiff. Boy, I drank to blot out everything painful. Most people probably drink for those very reasons I bet.

Well, Sun, did this Rum drinker stop with the help of medication? or just will power? I really don't know how anyone can do it with will power alone, I really don't, addiction is just too strong. Let us know how it's going, and what is the Carr book about?

Hugs, Play

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Bumping us up - off to work - will post later when I get home

Hugs, sun XX