New here and starting Topa and with a question

[Bruunhilde]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Sweet Sun.

Xxoo

You know he is happy now but I know how difficult this is. Its your big heart that makes it so hard.

You gave him The Heat.

Xxooo:l

[Bruunhilde]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I said The Best.

Sorry. Fri kin kindle

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Everyone, it's play checking in, I catch up every nite then am too tired to post, I'll try to do better, we are all needed here and I need to do my part more.

Dizzy, you sound really good, I think you are showing lots of good rational thinking about the BF, we too often don't do that, so hang in there. I don't remember if your goal is to abstain or moderate, in either case I don't think it is a good idea to "take a week off" and then have a go at 30 more days, I think it might be the alcohol brain making its' subtle little voice come thru, so just be careful, I can say from experience that it's harder to go back and come back than to stay where you are now.

And WTE, yes, glad the court date went well, perhaps you can relax from it now.

Houtx, I wish I could sit with you and see what is happening on your end when you lose everything all the time, oh how frustrating, there must be a solution, maybe a good computer nerd friend to just see what is going on.

Hi Space, I need to read back a couple of pages to see what you have been up to so best wishes for now.

Mimi, I will have to catch up with you also.

My dear Wildflowers, I so get what you are saying, you are in my prayers. Thanks for your kind thoughts of me and my family.

Well, I am still waiting on my new supply of Topa, very anxious to start it, I have absolutely no will power of my own, that's awful I know but I have failed time and time again to just be even 1 day AF, the Topa was a miracle for me, ready to try it again, pray to universe that it works again.

love and hugs,
play

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Dear Sun, just read your post about your dog, OMG, I am so sorry, yes you did lose a member of your family, I know when it happened last time how much you suffered and now you have to go thru it again, so, so sorry. I'm wondering what the problem was as it came on so suddenly, but please don't talk about it just now, it can wait until you are feeling better.

Love to you all, I'm so happy for the new ladies posting here, not that you have this AL problem, but just that you are here, this thread comes and goes but it seems that we all have something steady here, it gives us a chance to talk and connect with others who actually understand what we are going thru, which is very rare outside this forum, love you all.

bye and talk soon,
play

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey Toparinos

Thank you everyone for listening to my sob story. Yesterday was for tears and today is for work because the next five days is a long weekend which means I won’t be able to work. I would like to but my brother will be home and my office is in our open plan kitchen/lounge cum study and my bedroom is too small for a desk. He promised to go out on Monday to give me some peace and quiet but I need to make hay today while I can.

I’m not burying my emotions but I’m allowing all your advice to sink in and I’m allowing mister some time to think it over. I’m not going to contact him again. Not out of spite but because of the if you love someone set them free routine. If he really loves me he will probably contact me over the weekend as he is on an important business trip this week.

Thanks for stopping by Bruun, I actually read most of the back posts so I was hoping to see you some time. You made me spit out my coffee this morning with the image of you hiding MSM powder in your doggies food. I think if you mix it with something like soy sauce or gravy he/she wont notice.

Oh Sunny, you really made me cry. But I’m meant to cry. But the bit where you told us how Maggie taught him to be a dog after he was abused. And him meeting up with Maggie in heaven. My sweet friend, life just keep throwing things at you and it’s not fair. I’m sending you love and hugs and please try to take some time off work to mourn this, even if it just means spending some time in the garden. Some people don’t get that losing an animal is like losing a loved one. Is it someone in your other thread whose signature reads: The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you? I know we both have our own special brand of God but this statement does calm me down when I meditate on it. :l

Wildflowers - I took a look at the pic and it’s beautiful! Perfect in fact. All it needs is [img] at the start and [/img] at the end to make it show and which the insert picture little mountain thingie does.

And whala!



Thats me - basking in my own glory!

I’m so glad you are growing spiritually. And as it is with most things in life, maybe the job coming to an end was perhaps a blessing in disguise. I can see you in a much more creative job than a call centre manager. Working with animals or plants or even something to do with holistic healing. Although if you work in a health shop you may end up buying everything LOL. Something that can make the real you shine.

Houtx – I sent a mail to the powers that be that we are not happy with the login procedures. I for one won’t mind if they offer us an option of always staying logged in. It’s obviously not for people who share computers but perfect for those who have their own pc or laptop and hate to sign in every frigging ten minutes. I told them otherwise I will send you over to break their kneecaps... LOL, just kidding.

Mimi – still going strong! Well done. If I end up abstaining I don’t want it to be by accident or because of being pressurised, I want to do it because I am ready. I already have problems with being codependent so I have to figure out this one for myself. Perhaps I'm just in a bad mood but please don't let my sobriety affect yours. Like I said the daily Monthly Abstainers thread is really good for keeping you on your toes if you have a 30 day goal.:goodjob:

Play, nice to see you. I haven’t made up my mind yet about abstaining but I never said I wanted to abstain in the long run. But thanks for caring, I know you mean well. You are such a beautiful and supportive person but to be honest I don’t know that much about *you.* So how are you doing?

I may have cross addicted into writing on this site – my healthiest addiction so far!
So for all your gardening enthusiasts and budding ones (yes I’m looking at you Ms Spacebebe) please drop me a line of encouragement at

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f6...ml#post1304694

Even if its just once to help it get off the ground. Pun intended...

Lots of love and hugs
DB

PS: Also found this post REALLY interesting for those of you still looking for natural alternatives to beat addiction: https://www.mywayout.org/community/f6...ml#post1304709

[WaitingToExhale]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh Sun – My heart breaks for you. I’m glad you are able to see the “wonder” you gave to that sweet creature in the final years and that all ended in a happy world … Mega hugs from across a few state lines which I know don’t help too much, but know I am thinking of you.

Space – Thanks for the encouragement! As much as I want to “rush” this all … it’s making sense in my head this time around to just keep “re-setting” things back a bit at a time. I no longer hear the DING! DING! DING! At Noon like I used to automatically, but rather find the time floating easier to 100, 130, 230 and more and more often even 300ish.

Diz – Sounds like you have your head screwed on right – as tough as it is right now. Let it play out. The answers will present themselves to you.

However, I will add my cents on “taking a break” (not that I really have a place to say as I am still modding). Perhaps with all of this up in the air, it is not the best time to “break”, but rather a good time to stay strong and 100% clear? Just saying … kind of like exercising and stopping - harder to get into the routine once you stop for a bit.

Oh and Diz – Thanks for the link and “natural remedies” for addictions. Interesting stuff! I am still taking L-Glut and REALLY think that helps me. Willlookinto a few pf the other things.

Wildflower – I can relate to so much of what you write. Odd how we lose ourselves and simply can’t see it until so much of the veil of AL begins to lift. I am only in the beginning of that journey, but already but am already finding parts of the “old me” that got tossed to the back of the closet years ago … may you continue to find the inner peace, hourly and daily.

Funny side note: When you typed (or anyone does) WTF … I always do a double take and think – are they typing to me WTE? Photos? HA!

Mimi – You are doing SO GREAT! Must feel fantastic!

Play – As always good to see you. So hard to be waiting isn’t it? I remember the 1st time I decided to try Topa and the days seemed to simply stop in time waiting for the bloody stuff to show up! I like you, have zero willpower without Topa and if an accidental AF day happens, it’s because I feel like crap! HA! Only one in the last year and a half – so I get it.

Houtz – I have this image of you and a laptop flying out the patio door and into the pool one of these evenings. HA! Do you have that little box “checked” up above that says “Remember Me”? Not sure if that matters or not as I write in Word, but may want to double check it. You must be SO irritated by now – sorry you’re having to go through this and I know this is not a site you can just show anyone for help! Darn it!

With all that said … I am testing my will power a touch this morning. I need to head into the shop soon and will not home office all day – so a good day to try this out. As some of you know, I am the famous “pour it down the sink” if I happen to not finish what has now one become one (yea!) bottle of wine in a day. Yesterday I managed to start late, was not all that impressed with the wine and intentionally left it behind in rooms at times and ended up drinking 3 glasses by bedtime. Hence, 1 glass in the bottle as I got my coffee creamer this morning. And I’m just going to leave it there. I don’t hear the words I was hearing echo in my head just six weeks ago “oh what the hell” as I would head to the kitchen and pour that glass (and more if it was around).

And, yesterday when I bought that bottle, I also bought one of those funny little 4 packs of tiny wine bottles. So THAT is in my frig as well. I did that because my plan is to be able to “count” as close as possible exactly how much I am drinking rather than looking at a bottle and guessing. I think it may also help with “control” as well – hell, any darn game I can play with myself that helps! HA! So this is my test for the day and I am happily sipping my Yucky drink with added L-Glut and feeling just fine and no desire at the moment.

Had a very odd few moments yesterday morning. Got up and was at my desk – no wine in the house. I got this flash: Dang, I would love to just really drink it up today! Yikes! No clue where that came from other than perhaps the relief from all the recent BS or perhaps because it’s just been some time now that I have really had that “slight wine buzz” since I have been drinking so much less and over such long periods of time. Not sure but thankfully the thoughts passed fairly quickly.

I’ve held at the 50/50 as I realized I also forgot my Topa evening dose on court day as well! Shezzz. So I took it at 430 AM the next morning. Perhaps tonight I will do the 75.

Off to the shower and shop … hugs and love to everyone.

WTE

[mimi911]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi everyone, another fast check in as I have a 2 year old pulling on my leg wanting my attention.

Dizzy- No pressure here, the choice of another 30 days or even another day is completely your choice. I understand how that is. If we do it for someone else it isn't our victory, it isn't our choice, it isn't our free will. You have done great on your 30 days and I am proud of you for that. Whatever else happens, you know you can do it!

Day 8 for me. I leave Saturday for Palm Springs so that might be a challenge but all I know is I am looking forward to the sunshine and relaxation.

Take care everyone, wish I had time for each one of you but I can hear the two year old getting in the water and that means trouble, ugh!!!!!! lol

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Gawd, sorry I'm such an awful nag but I'm just struggling so much at the moment. I'm fine during the day but night times are bloody hard. We haven't talked yet so I don't know what the final decision is and I will let him come to me but shit, underneath my new Topamax layer of veneer there are so many layers of crap and hurt and just stuff.

Thats it, its the long weekend now until Tuesday. I have to go out this weekend and be among people because even though this site is really good for my sobriety its not healthy to not be among real talking, living, breathing people. Yes I've seen some but remember I work from home and my boyfriend when I have him is in another country. Feels like my whole f*cking life is online.

Sorry, I'll rather go now and come back tomorrow after I've been angry, when I'm ready to say something positive again.

XOX

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey all - I want to post and answer everybody too - but don't have the energy or motivation to go back and read through so I am sorry - bear with me. Diz - my dear diz - you are going through a very tough time. Hang in there - things will eventually work out one way or another - I know it is really tough for you right now and I can't see what the ending will be - I just know it will be what is best for you. You are in mt thoughts and prayers and I am sending lots of love and hugs to you. You are a special person who deserves only the best and until one of you decides to talk to the other and you sort this out, who knows what that will be. As for not drinking - I am not the one to ask that right now - I did rink too much last night - the ironic thing was that I could feel the higher level of Topa working but of course when I got home from the vet totally ignored it and just wanted to lose myself. Didn't get drunk, but did get tipsy. that combined with hardly any sleep didn't bode well for this morning. SO, you have to decide what to do re the drink -

Mim - day 8 - yahoo- go you. I am so proud of you - that is awesome. Love the way your 2 year old is usually around - I forget what it is like to have an extra appenadage on your body!! LOL

WTE - thanks for the hugs re Ben - as I said, the only good thing about it is that he is happy now, with my Maggie. The thought of that really does make me happy for him - he had had such a miserable life before we got him. Oh gosh - the tears are starting again darn it.... Ahem! Glad you are doing so well with the Topa though - you sound as if the slow and steady going down is working really well for you. Hugs and love your way my friend :l

Space - how are you doing - there wasn't a really recent post from you that was on the pages I could get to without going back a few - I hope things are good?

Bruun - how sweet of you to come in when you saw about ben - thank you - it seems as if the fates are not good with me and my furry friends right now!! How are you doing? I haven't caught up with you lately....

Houtx - I am so sorry you have so many problems logging in - I stay logged in all the time - never ever log out - so never have any problems - do you share a computer? can you not stay logged in? How are you doing anyway?

Hi there Wild - I love the way you write - so poetically. You have a lovely soul hiding in there. I am so happy you are beginning to feel safe here. Must admit, the awful stuff going on on the other thread I post on - the Journey thread is really tearing me apart - that used to be my safe place. I am beginning to feel really adrift these days. I loathe unpleasantness and won't join in but it is hard to ignore when it is put under your nose. I loved reading your post - so gentle.

Play - lovely to see you post. Ben had a blockage of the urethra - I helped the vet (Tim) as the tech wasn't there. Carol (tech) came over as he was getting started on the actual surgery but I stayed anyway. He did the best he could but he couldn't clear it. He tried from externally and then internally - said that if it had been a human, they would have ended up with a bag. I have been going to Tim for years and he saw me after hours and told me to come on over rather than have me go to the emergency vet which was so sweet of him and then Carol came over too - Tim said she likes me. I think they are awesome and did their best. Hubs said when I am ready to let him know and we will look for a sheltie puppy instead of a rescue next time. Dear old Ben was SUCH a sad dog.

Well, for someone who wasn't going to post, I have done okay - maybe it was what I have needed. I appreciate all of you here - you are always here for me and I haven't been here for all of you. I am going to go outside and plant some more seeds. Get my hands dirty and enjoy being outside with the fairies. maybe even take a Guinness. yes, I know it is only 1/4 to 2, but you know what? i don't care right now.

Love and hugs to everyone, maybe back later - God Bless,

love, Sun XX

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I dont know why I havent posted much, or maybe you have all posted a lot, I havent really in the mood to say much now but it pulls at my heart to see sweet dizzy sad, I agree with what sun says tho that whatever happens will be the right thing for you. Also sun, you have been through so much and are so brave to help with the doggy op I hope the fairies brought your some peace today I just typed that I too drank too much last night, its the first time I have drank more that I intended since I started this a couple of weeks ago, I was about to say that because of that I am not going to drink tonight but just thinking about typing that made me want to jump up and go to the shop. So I will just see what happens.

xxx

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh Sun and Space, I love you guys. I read a bit of what's going on at your other thread sun and its so sad. To be honest I tried to go there but I felt that even though I was welcomed no one commented on my posts so I just left again. They seem like nice its not an easy group to join if you know what I mean. Also I think over the years and having so many females it must be hard not to have squabbles. I don't think it will happen with us as we basically talk and we listen. Mostly longer daily messages than other boards who have more but shorter messages. Perhaps Wildflowers was right, we are cool because we are the lost sunken treasure.

Oh Space, your little post on my gardening thread made me cry. In a good way. Damn, everything makes me cry. I've been waiting the whole day for someone to say something and so many people read it and when I finally read your post after I knew you weren't feeling well it just made me feel a little bit better to know that I at least made some difference in your life. I'm sorry that you are drinking more. And I'm sorry that I'm being stubborn about not committing to 30 more days. I'm just hurting too much now and my plan was never to be AF forever.

Oh I dunno, I'll think tomorrow, hang in there, OK?

XOX

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I am here Diz. Probably had one too many Guinness. I haven't read your gardening thread Diz - i was planning on geeting out today but tears and phone calls stopped that. I suppose I still could - but the motivation just isn't there. I really need to plant some flower seeds but it is early enough that there is still time. I am off on Sunday so will do it then.

Space - I still haven't planted anything - I have had phone calls and just not actually gotten out there. I work early shift tomorrow so night get out here tomorrow.

Love and hugs to all,

Love Sun xxxx

[Wildflowers]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Sunny, Last night I couldn't sleep so I popped on here & read your sad news. Went 2 bed read a book late. Today I read your update. I've avoided responding as my own memories of losing my beloved doggies have resurfaced. Part of the gift of sobriety feeling more emotions that have been buried. My eyes began to swell with tears for you & all of us that have known the joys & losses of our beloved fur babies. I have lost 9 family members, two of which were our dogs. I know this may sound trite to some, but I don't care. It hurt more when I lost my dogs then some of our human family members. I realize for one reason is that dogs love us unconditionally. That humans ( including myself aren't capable of this). At least not 100% of the time. Tho we may have different beliefs or none at all in God. Someone once shared with me that if & when I doubt God's love 4 me just look into my Dog's eyes & I will know that this isn't true. Dog spelled backwards, spells God. I believe in the Rainbow Bridge. I will be with them again. They will be waiting for me & so will my Kitty Cats.

My last Boy a Lab was my best friend, my baby. Close to two yrs now. I still think of him everyday & miss him. Our vet said while traveling thru this dark tunnel of grief, there is no light & you feel as tho u can't breath at times. That it takes time to get to the other side where there is light & air. Then one day a tiny light will appear at the end of the tunnel & that the light will begin to get brighter. Then one day your sadness & tears will turn into memories of happier times spent 2gether. It just takes time. That time table is different for everyone.

I was so very happy to read that your thinking of getting a new Puppy. I know this is the perfect thing to do for some & for others it's not. I'm just glad that your out working in your garden today. So very very glad that Ben had Maggie to show him how to be a dog & have fun here, that he had a home where he was loved & cared for. Super glad that they are together running, playing, chasing butterflies, balls. Many fun & colorful things we have yet to see. Most of all that they will never have pain again.

You may think I'm a Looney & I am part time, but I'm going to share anyway. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm a Looney. Frankly, I enjoy the fact that I am one part time. See my Wildflower seed is growing.... Loving me is important, all of me.... I find writing to be healing.....

That night we had to call in a Vet to our home to put our beloved to sleep. I wrapped my whole body around him, I mean my arms, my legs, all of me. My head, my hands were in his face, my heart next to his. When that final injection was given, I felt his spirit, his energy, leave his body. I felt it move out of him, even thru the end of his chocolate tail. It was one of the strangest things I've ever felt, experienced in my life. I knew at this moment his spirit had left his earthly vessel. I looked up & I spoked to him. Asking him to leave this earth & not to come back. To not stay here with us.To go & be with his creator & our 1st beloved dog. I then hesitated & said maybe just a visit once in a while. I asked this of him as the circumstances of our 1st beloved dog was really bad & his spirit hanged out here on Earth for quite awhile. I won't share details of these experiences. Since then our Beloved Lab ~ Silky Ears, has come to visit us just a few times. My Mom has had many dreams of the two of them 2gether at the Lake. They are very happy & healthy.

We've chosen not to own more dogs. I get to attached! Maybe one day I will either join a rescue group, raise a service dog, or even become an animal groomer. We did rescue a cat. As we needed ~ wanted a fur baby. He is king of the castle. I can't get as attached to cats as they invite you into their world. He is spoiled! Pretty sure he is part Maine Coon, looks & personality.

Take Good Care Of Your Self :h

Hello To All You Other Dear Ones :h

Namaste,

Wildflowers :l

[Wildflowers]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hope this will help just a little to cheer all you up that are sad & going thru rough days.

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh Wild your post brought tears to my eyes.

Im not actually drinking more I just did it one night, I started too early but last night I just couldnt be bothered, I didnt have any lager in so I would have to have gone to the shop and didnt want it that much so I had an AF day, how cool is that.

Sun I am sending you my thoughts and love:l