New here and starting Topa and with a question

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

DizzyBee;1625107 wrote:

How was the visit, Stuck?

:l:l:l

Visit is ongoing - she got here Thursday night and is here until next week. Didn't drink at all the first 3 days, because I'd been drinking way, way too much. And I need to slow down but also I don't really want to spend the time I have with her like that.

But I get really jittery and anxious and trapped-feeling when we're in the apartment together. I lead a boring life, and I feel this pressure to entertain her or to always be "doing something." She's not putting that pressure on me - she's fine with whatever - but I feel it, ya' know? And I have a small place, and I have a ton of work I need to do, and I simply cannot be in bed at weird times of day or evening, even if we're cuddling, 'cause I feel like I gotta be working or distracting myself from my thoughts, which are a trainwreck.

Last night after a walk we went to the bar, and I did kind of let loose. She likes going out, and likes drinking, so it's not *that* much of an imposition to drag her to a bar . And we had great kinky sex after, and that was good. But I shouldn't be drinking every night, either, so we'll see how today goes.

Anyway just thought I'd update y'all and get some thoughts out. :l

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Stuck - I understand your feelings with g'f there - but she probably really is okay with just being there ..... when I stay with people I never need entertaining .... I am quite happy to just 'be' so try not to worry about it .... some people do not need to be entertained ! I feel as if I lead a boring life too and always worry when i stay with anyone as I think that they think that I need to be entertained ! I am sure that she is just happy being there with you - can she read or watch TV or something while you work?

Yes Dizzy - I did stay off the AD's and feel really good ! I have felt SO good now for ages - cannot believe I am off the AD's - I never thought it would happen !! As for the nose bleeds - I had another yesterday then today. I also had to go to my 6 monthly cancer check up this morning and he said that my BP was high - so i told him about the nosebleeds - but he said that the lower number was really good and the high one wasn't high enough to cause nosebleeds so i am going to not worry about it.

I am so happy for you that you spoke with your family yesterday - that always makes me feel good ..... although i had a wry smile about it being summer there - the temp here today (and this is the HIGH) is 9 degrees F. (minus 12 C. ), but at least it isn't snowing and none for the next few days either.

Hope everyone is doing well,

love and hugs, sun XX

[meggie]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

sorry to see the thread so quiet. We put him to sleep yesterday. The place we went to was so sweet. They had a room that we all went to and they put him to sleep. The doctor and her helper gave hugs and strokes. We did also, the doc said he had lost so much weight. He was ready to go, we cried. We went as a family. It was sad but we know it was his time. Oh, well, we love our pets because they love us unconditionally, we could be mean, a jerk and they are there loving us and meeting us at the door with love. Well, he is in a better place and doesn't hurt.

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh Meggie - so sorry about your beloved dog! I know how sad it is losing a much loved pet, and am so sorry for your loss! Your stories of laying with him and him putting his paw on your shoulder - quality times & so sweet!

DZ, I hope all works out with w/ your blood work. I know you are looking forward to going home! Hope alls well w/ the hubby & adjusting to married life, too


Sunny - ack! Nosebleeds! Poor dear - but those who are prone to them, seem to be able to handle them. I have kids all the time asking to go to the RR to take care of bloody noses. Makes me cringe, but seems more a nuisance than a painful thing.

Stuck - you crack me up! New girl will be perfectly happy entertaining herself while you work. Real relationships operate on that premise, that being able to be quiet and content in each other's presence is a given. You know this. Kinkiness is always fun - making each other laugh? That's what hooks me. Haven't found that in a long time. Men claim to be able to "make you laugh"...rarely do. Gotta laugh - spewing coffee laughter is what I'm talking about. So far my 2 kitties make me laugh much more than any guy I've met in the last 2 years.

Oh well - on the drinking front, I am maintaining, as usual. Hope alls well w/ everyone in the meantime

XO

[gumtree]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

new to forum and topamax

Hi everyone,
I've been skimming over your thread the last week and am amazed at how close you are and how long you've been supporting each other - it's a rare thing.
I'm on my second week of topamax - I'm Canadian and have a GP that was supportive enough to write me a script for it - I showed her the MWO book. Day three of 50 mg now. Have noticed a decline in my amount of wine at night by about half most days, other days no change. The first week on 25mg I felt buzzed and dopey, especially the first 4-6 hours after taking it, which I think is why I drank less. Now I seem to be adjusting to it and don't react so strongly, so worry the drinking will creep back up. But it's early days, so will keep on keeping on.
I plan to post more about myself, and get to know you all better soon.
Very sorry Meggie to hear about you dog, it's always heartbreaking to lose a furbaby. My two dogs are my "kids", I love them to pieces.

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Meggie .... SO sorry to hear about your loss - it is SO hard - trust me I do know. But he is happier now he isn't suffering any more and I am so happy that the whole family went too ... that must have been comforting to him, plus the way that your vet and staff handled it .... just so nice for you in such a bad time. Just know that you gave him a wonderful life .......

Gumtree - welcome. It sounds as if the Topa is going to work for you - I am so happy about that. You are also lucky in that you are feeling an effect at only 50mg. You can adjust when you take your meds so the effects don't feel so bad - I used to take mine at night then as my body got used to it, could finally take it at any time.

lovely to have you here - and I wish you all the best for your Topa and you !!

hugs, sun XX

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi all

:welcome: Gumtree, would love to hear more from you.

Sun, yeah the inter continental travel can be hectic, with as much as a 40 degree difference. I'm glad you're feeling so happy!! :h

Meggie, so sorry about your dog. I'm always shaken up when that happens and hate it when people have no sympathy.

Stuck, I felt just like you when I first spent time with my long distance bf (now hb) As a writer, I like my life kind of dull but it's easy to make it seem exciting in daily email summaries We also never got to do the you have your place and I have mine thing, it's either nothing or 24/7 which is a shock to any relationship. And I get bad hangovers so our first couple of months together was pretty much a party. Now we are more comfy and can be dull together but in a cozy way, like cooking and having some wine and then making fun of people on TV. Only time will take that pressure to drink to be exciting or to be alone when she's there away if she's the right girl.

Houtx, nice to see you pop in, blood works tomorrow. Rather you than me than dealing with kids ailments and figuring out who's faking or not

:l

[gumtree]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi everyone,
Well, I'm having a rough couple of days, even drinking during the daytime the last two days which is a sign of trouble for me. Works been frantic the last several months and this week I finally have some room to breath, so instead of using it for good, am watching netflix and escaping from the world a bit - my guilty pleasure. Nothing new for me there. I've struggled with depression my whole life, am in my early forties now and am used to the ups and downs. I function pretty well, have a successful career, but after a busy period, social or work wise, always need to withdraw from people and recharge. Wish I could do it in a healthier way though - the drinking during the day just makes me more depressed.....
Hope this weekend will help get me out of my rut. Planning to get a couple of runs in which always helps with my mood...and that should delay my daytime drinking too.
I titrate up to 75mg on Monday. So far the 50mg is not causing any SE - I'm not feeling the fatigue I did the first week. I think drinking during the day negates any benefits I was getting though TBH.
I use to drink a bottle or more a day. The first week on topamax I was down to half a bottle, some days 2/3. So an improvement. But the last two days I'm back up to my usual.
Other than topamax, I take pristiq for depression. I love it, no SE and it really helps with my anxiety.

I'm not sure where I'm going plan wise, moderate or AF. Right now I would love to be able to moderate, but if it doesn't work, will go the AF route (kicking and screaming
I managed five and a half years AF before, and fell off the wagon March 2013. Been a struggle ever since to get any AF days, right back to where I was. *sigh*.
Am lucky in that I have a doctor and a counselor both willing to help me either moderate or quit, depending on which path I choose, and my husband is also supportive of whichever route I choose (as long as I don't ask HIM to quit lol!! he's a daily drinker, and has been for years, which is part of the problem).....

Well I have to get some work done today, with a well deserved head ache. Take care all, will touch base again tomorrow.

[fennel]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

StuckinLA;1625233 wrote: I feel this pressure to entertain her or to always be "doing something." She's not putting that pressure on me - she's fine with whatever - but I feel it, ya' know? And I have a small place, and I have a ton of work I need to do, and I simply cannot be in bed at weird times of day or evening, even if we're cuddling, 'cause I feel like I gotta be working or distracting myself from my thoughts, which are a trainwreck.
l

Hi there, Stuck...I hope you don't mind my responding. I used to post here quite a while ago when I was on Topa. I am a friend of Sunshinedaisies, and I mostly post on the "steppers" thread now.

I am a rather adventurous squirrel, so when I visit places I get out and make the most of a visit. Since you are busy working in the day, perhaps your gf could take the opportunity to get some sight-seeing in? Do you have a car she could use? Barring that, how is the public transit there? L.A. must have tons of stuff to do and see. Is she into museums? Shopping? Hiking? I know there are some trails up in the hills in L.A. Maybe you could quiz her and see if she's comfy with doing some things on her own during the day.

Also, I have to say I'm a bit surprised that Sunshinedaisies hasn't suggested putting your gf to work! When I visit Sun, she puts me to work in her garden, as I am very good with grunt labor. I imagine if I were to visit her now, she'd have me removing snow.

Anyway, I hope it was okay to insert my suggestions.

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Well, folks. The quick version for those of you who may not remember: drank 2 solid weeks before the lady arrived, was sober as a judge the first 3 days of her visit, then drank 2 nights, heavily, and began needing a little benzo-fortitude to deal with withdrawal the last couple days. No bueno. Anxiety and crushing thoughts of immediate death, which I assuaged by convincing myself I don't care if I die at any given moment. This morning my blood pressure was far too high, so the drinking roller coaster is going to have to come to a halt in the very near future. Tonight's Day 3 and I'm on my second beer, and we're about to go out.

I've been alternating work on my dissertation, a conference paper that's coming up soon, and a fellowship application that's coming up sooner.

Fennel! No, I absolutely do not mind you jumping in, and thanks for the input! She's been to LA plenty, so doesn't want to do any of the tourist stuff, but we've been to a show taping that was on her wishlist, and we've got a few more things planned. Just added the space shuttle Endeavor and ice skating to the list this evening, so we'll do those tomorrow. She just got laid off, so she's been lacsadaisically applying for jobs while I "work." We've also been taking plenty of walks around the park in my neighborhood, and that's been very nice. I'm not much of a "hiker," and she isn't really either, so the trails in the hills might be a bit much.

To your more direct question, I do have a car and she could borrow it, but hasn't asked or suggested it. And the public transit here is OK but not great. We probably could hit up a museum or two (other than Endeavor), but we both get pretty slow starts in the morning and I'd rather just have sex with her probably than go to the Getty one more time...

Well, she's done ironing, so I'd better chug this beer and get ready. Peace out, peeps! Have a good one. :l

[gumtree]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Feeling more positive today. Not even minding the snow for once. Shoveled three times, fresh air did me good! Looking forward to the weekend, and tonight am sticking to what I have in the house, which is 3 glasses of wine. Craving wise though, still pretty huge.

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Good on you, Gum - hang tough with the cravings. I'm probably gonna end up drunk again tonight... but taking it real slow so far. EDIT: The girl's napping in the other room. She wasn't feeling so great this afternoon, what with all the boozing last night, so we didn't end up ice skating but we did a couple other cool things today. She left her phone at the bar last night and neither of us remembered that. The bartender bless her heart emailed me to let me know so we could pick it up today - though she (bartender) was either really busy or seemed kinda irked that I was with a girl. Huh. We shall see how tonight goes.

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi there everyone. Fen - lovely to see you here :l Laughed about me putting you to work - yes, you were rather put to work in the garden weren't you !!

Stuck - I just don't understand your drinking patterns - you seem to be able to stop at will, then will just go all out again! Do you actually want to stop? Just curious - although with having company that does drink, it would be hard to stop I think. How long is she here for ? you mentioned your BP. i have been taking mine as I have been having a lot of nosebleeds - my oncologist says my BP isn't high enough to cause the nosebleeds but the BP is too high for me. Do you find when you stop drinking that it goes down? It is something that I had never had a problem with before- my BP has always been super low, so today decided that I am not going to drink ...... it has to stop sometime and decided today is the day. Hopefully my BP will go down .... How long does it usually take for yours to go down?

Gumtree - glad that the Topa is not giving you any SE's. Do you go up in dose again this week? What are you on now? My cravings didn't go away until I was on a firly high dose - but when they did, they really did. Good for you with just having what you have in the house too. I hear you with the snow shovelling although yesterday we had ice pellets and everything is under a sheet of ice now. This winter it is getting really old .....oh - never mind, just saw that you go up to 75 on Monday!

Gosh - you stopped for 5 1/2 years before ? What made you start again? My hubs was a daily drinker too - but he is supportive of whatever I plan on doing. He stopped at the beginning of jan but last night bought some ...not sure if he will quit again now or if last night has started him again. I told him this morning that I am not drinking today.

hey Dizzy - you are sounding better than you have been - are you feeling better ? Hope so - how is the AL going?

Got to go .... hugs to all,

Sun XX

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey Sun. She's here until Tuesday. We went out last night and had a good time, but yeah, I really can't control the drinking once I get started. And remembering what happened is really becoming an issue - blackouts and everything's just a blur. We had fun and this morning everything's fine so she doesn't seem pissed about the drinking or anything like that. She told me when she was ready to go home and just said 'that's your last drink.' But then a pint bottle of bourbon that I'd had in the cabinet is tucked away right next to the bed, so I know I drank more when we got home and I'm sure that was annoying.

BP is an issue long term - a big issue. It runs high from the drink, and gets really high in withdrawal. When I quit last time around April or whenever it was, it took a few weeks to settle down really and then within a month or two it was a perfect 120/80 and stayed that way and eventually I stopped bothering to check. When I started drinking again I didn't check because I didn't want to know, but did the other day and it was high enough to worry about. So yeah, I need to stop drinking again.

I really want to clean up after this weekend, make sure she goes home on a good note and not remembering the whole trip as a drunken wreck but also don't want to deal with the anxiety and restlessness of stopping while she's here. God, what an excuse. I don't know. But I've gotta get back to a schedule and work and whatnot.

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey Sun. She's here until Tuesday. We went out last night and had a good time, but yeah, I really can't control the drinking once I get started. And remembering what happened is really becoming an issue - blackouts and everything's just a blur. We had fun and this morning everything's fine so she doesn't seem pissed about the drinking or anything like that. She told me when she was ready to go home and just said 'that's your last drink.' But then a pint bottle of bourbon that I'd had in the cabinet is tucked away right next to the bed, so I know I drank more when we got home and I'm sure that was annoying.

BP is an issue long term - a big issue. It runs high from the drink, and gets really high in withdrawal. When I quit last time around April or whenever it was, it took a few weeks to settle down really and then within a month or two it was a perfect 120/80 and stayed that way and eventually I stopped bothering to check. When I started drinking again I didn't check because I didn't want to know, but did the other day and it was high enough to worry about. So yeah, I need to stop drinking again.

I really want to clean up after this weekend, make sure she goes home on a good note and not remembering the whole trip as a drunken wreck but also don't want to deal with the anxiety and restlessness of stopping while she's here. God, what an excuse. I don't know. But I've gotta get back to a schedule and work and whatnot.