New here and starting Topa and with a question

[Bruunhilde]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Sun,
You HAVE to share your stories/situation, you ask others to do so, so you must reciprocate even if it feels selfish. Someone told me last night that in order to heal, you have to selfishly focus on yourself. Only after you've healed can you be 100% there for others, so its worthwhile doing. I realize its easier sometimes to not answer these questions, I'm guilty of that sometimes, but I also indulge in venting and sharing too. I realize that me pretending to be perfect doesn't help others, since its not real or true, and only what's real and true is helpful. Then when you heal, the path you took could help someone else because its clear and real. That said, I don't think you have alot to heal, you're doing quite well with not getting drunk, but that doesn't mean you don't have a healing due you. :l You're not bringing anyone down here Sun, we want to know the whole you.

Also, I sometimes don't post because its all the same sometimes too. I'm going two steps forwards and four steps back right now...

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

DEAR Bruun - thank you so much - I do know what you mean - and yes, I do need healing too.....It might be something of the British reserve - you know - stiff upper lip and all that - LOL that stops me a lot of the time - !! And yes, what is real and true is helpful - I do sometimes let me true self show through - but it is rare. I so want to be here for everyone else and I suppose I feel if I am not STRONg then I am letting others down. but lets be honest - I am but human!!!! And if I didn't have a probelm then I wouldn't have come to MWO. I know that my problem isn't as bad as others here - I admit that - but it is still a problem to me. therefore - a problem....with AL. Today I took my Topa in the A.M. and then took my second dose at the time when I usually start drinking which is the way I should take it and am going to TRY VERY HARD to get my self sorted here!! SIGH - AGAIN. Oh dear - I wish I could just press "play" on the tape recorder to save me saying it all over again. But I hate to be discouraging for any newcomers. hey - I did it before - for EIGHT months - I will beat this and I WILL do it again!!!!! Dear Bruun - thank you for being there for me - I appreciated your response - it was a good one.

much love and many hugs to you,

love, Sun XXX

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey everyone - we were half way down the second page so I am bumping us up! How is everyone doing? Midnight? Mum of 2 (3?), irish fairy? Illum? BK - where are you??? Airam - we havent heard from you in ages and ages!! Hoping? I would love to know how you are all doing.... I am trying my best to take my Topa properly. i wasn't, which was the main problem. I was stuck on the 150mg daily. So for the past 2 days, I have been taking the 150mg in the am, and then the 50 mg in the afternoon. this way, in a week, I will up the dose of the second dose. I am kidding myself that it was working - ha ha ha bonk (me laughing my head off). So, I will kid myself no longer. I really do need to address this and stop pretending. i am only fooling myself. I need a kick up the rear. I am drinking way more than I should. At LEAST four a night which is wrong. I need to get back down to my two. Some nights it is 6. The other night it was 7. This is sheer lunacy. I have the answer and am playing with it. So, today is the third day that I am taking the 50 mg in the pm. In 4 days I will up that. I need you all the chase me on this. I am asking for your help here. There Bruun - is that what I need to do? I think it is - love and hugs to all,

Sun XX

[Midnight]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi everyone - I have been without real Internet for a while. Just sporadic and my 3G...so reset my wireless adapter and I'm back up!!! Yay! One kiddo asleep and the other on an errand with OP, so I finally get to post from my laptop. Sun - I agree with Bruun - we all relate when we post the truth. Someone will connect with what you write. You certainly don't need to be "up" for anyone. Although, I do catch myself not wanting to sound like I'm venting or complaining. So, please continue to write what is happening in your life, good or bad, just life as it is! I have been pretty bad. The topa seems to keep me from drinking too much, generally 5. However, on my days off, if I start early enough, I can go beyond that. I quit with the All One, Kudzu, and Milk Thistle - I had been taking those and maybe they were helping. Generally, I think I just got distracted with work, busy, having fun, frustrated, whatever is the excuse, and quit paying attention to reducing my intake. I just didn't feel like reducing alcohol - in fact, I was coming home from work really hoping to drink. So I guess with that, having 5 isn't that bad considering before "wanting" to drink could have landed me at 7. Things around the house have been stressful still with OP's business, so I just wish that could be resolved, which might happen in the next few weeks. Oh, the other thing is before I was taking my 100 mg afternoon dose afterwork, about 5 p.m., and lately I've been taking it after I had all 5 beers! So I have just been off. I am traveling this week, and that usually doesn't help. Hope everyone has a good week. And yeah, where is everyone? Pretty slow this week, including from me of course.

[Illuminae]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hello all,

Sun - yes I think it is good for you to be honest and we are here to help and support you.

I had a GREAT couple of days with my mom. She liked my new place, got a good feel for where I am in life right now. She is soo understanding about my divorce. Told me all kinds of stuff like my family was NEVER very comfortable with my husband, they noticed his distance from them. I said just imagine living with it every day! Best of all she wanted to meet Z and so we skyped with him for about 1/2 hour. She asked him a lot of questions, which is her nature, and I think he did really well. In fact, she has not only accepted us going up there for Christmas (with my kids too), but invited him to help cook dinner. so basically he and I are now cooking xmas dinner at my parents' house!

I was very good with drinking in front of my mom and I felt good personally too. I followed through with showing her I can have a couple of drinks and that's it. I'll be honest, I still wanted more one of the nights, but it wasn't so hard to resist.

I have been settling well into my new life, especially this week. I went running two days in a row, and it felt great. I've been cooking more, eating in and that feels good too.

meanwhile I am SOO frustrated that my husband is feeding the kids junk whenever they are with him. Also frustrated with wondering where the divorce is. Neither of us have heard much from our lawyers in a while, and if I call to check, I get billed. I just want that part to be over and settled so that I can move forward. When I jog, I take different routes every time to look at all of the lovely houses in the neighborhood and daydream about buying one of them. Unfortunately can't do that until He buys me out of the current house.

I have no idea how his drinking is these days. I have seen several bottles of wine on the counter when I pick up the kids, but he has been losing weight and works a lot, so maybe he's doing better. Who knows? We don't talk any more except about the business of matters, but I'm getting ready to confront him about how poorly my kids eat when they are with him. It's appalling! No fresh fruit or vegetables anywhere in sight! Last time I checked the only thing in the vegetable drawer in the fridge was a bag of limes - that's it! And I know what was for gin and tonics!

Well for now all I can do is be concerned with me and my situation. I truly think I am doing better. Not the best, but better. I'm extremely excited that I will be off to the East Coast, leaving Thursday, and will be with Z for 4 amazing days. He's got all of these plans to spoil me as a birthday celebration since he wasn't with me for the real thing a couple of weeks ago. 2 nights at a B&B in the shenandoah mountains, with a picnic and hiking planned, then back in DC we're going to see the broadway show 'Wicked,' in orchestra seats, with dinner before hand on the rooftop restaurant at the Kennedy Center. After that I leave on the following Monday morning to Tennessee once again for a conference and then back to San Diego.

Sorry i mostly just go on about myself when I do check in. I will try harder to respond to everyone, but frankly there hasn't been much to respond to lately. Love and care for you all,

Illuminae

[irishfairy]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi all,

Have also had my Mum up for a while which was good! Must be the time of year for it! Just finished RJ's book My Way Out, and whilst it was good it depressed me a bit... they both got on so much better than I did. I'm up to 100mg now, and while doing much better than I was, still having a couple of heavy drinking days a week, whereas they were practically abstinent and glowing from day 1 - not fair!

Good on you with the running Illum - such a great thing to do for your spirits (right kind of spirits!), keep it up!

[Bruunhilde]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Everyone!

Good for you to have a specific goal and timeline Sun, and yes, that's what I meant. How you're doing AND how you're feeling about it. What is stressing you and making you think about drinking etc.

So Wednesday you will go up, Sun?

[irishfairy]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Yeah Sun, you can do it, you have to, you're our inspiration! Is it still the Kahala (sp) that you drink?

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey - thanks everyone. I still use the alll-One Midnight - I can tell when I don't have it - my body obviously needs it as I feel much better in myself when I have it. i ran out and really noticed a huge difference in the way I felt. About four days afgter I started it again, I knew I was taking it. No vitamin supplement has ever done that to me before.

Irish - I never had any luck on the lower doses either - I was panikcing the first time round as I thought it was never going to happen for me and then it did. and it will this time too. No, I am not drinking the Kahlua now - as the Topa works with the Guinness (draught in the can with the widget) which is all I ever really drink - have done all my life - I would go onto Kahlua which was rather defeating the purpose. so this time as the Topa works for the Guinness I will keep off other AL.

And yes, Bruun - Wednesday I go up another notch! Thank you for reminding me LOL. I hadn't realised it was that soon !!!!

hugs to all,

Love, sun XXX

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Just upped my dose - before anyone HAD to remind me. I am so proud of me for remembering -------- and then DOING it. I think I am nervous about getting to the point where i don't want the Guinness again..........

[Bruunhilde]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Good for you Sunny! I'm sorry I wasn't around the thread to remind you tho, I'm so bad at remembering my own supplements that anyone else is at their own mercy. My dog would be better at it than I am!

Getting nervous about being AF is absolutely normal and everyone goes through it. Your brain pathways need to reconfigure themselves that AL does not mean pleasure, and it happens over time. You will want to drink just to please those old pathways, even though you don't really crave it. This is where "breaking the habit" becomes the hard part, whereas before you were also dealing with the craving. That's my experience anyways.

I try to think of it as my body sending me incorrect messages (or lies lies lies!) because its confused, which it has every right to be! :l

[irishfairy]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

That's such a good way of thinking about it Bruun... so if we keep doing it, then when we start drinking again it will seem horrible and we won't be able to cope, that would be amazing!

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Me again - and where is everyone else? Good job I wasn't frantic LOL Seriously - thanks Bruun, and Irish - I haven't noticed anything yet but am still at the upped dose. I AM nervous about it but was the last time too. I was nervous that it WOULD work and was nervous that it WOULDN'T work. Silly eh? I like the buzz I get from drinking. well, obviously - duh!!! We all do or else we wouldn't do it. When I quit drinking for 8 months last year, I felt so flat - it was very difficult for me and that first few months after I started again it was as if I had become alive again. My doc wanted me to talk to someone about adjusting to life without AL, but it is SO hard to find anyone that understands (I live in a very small midwest town), so I said thanks, but no thanks. I suppose I am worrying about going through that again. I like being 'me', and it isn't just when I am drinking that I am 'me'. It is 24/7. Odd I suppose. I wondered if it was the Topa which is why I came off it. So as I did both at the same time, I don't know. I am trying to keep an eye on it this time and keeping an eye on how I feel. I want to stay being me but being AF too. Well Bruun - you asked me to be honest and be open - so here I am - baring my soul to God and everybody. I am so worried that this will be a repeat of last year and if it is I will drink again - I can't be the zombie like creature that I turned into when I quit last time. I would rather drink.

Thank you for listening everyone.

hugs, Sun XX

[airam]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

houtx;1156868 wrote: I'm so encouraged to be back on here w/ you good ppl! I will be offline for a few days
Talk to you all later - :-))

Haven t read any posts. Randomly, houtx was the first post to show.
I miss you all so much.. Really, and also I need your advice and encouragement.

I had a lot of problems at work and I can t post there anymore.
Sorry.
I have internet access elsewhere but only using my phone. I hate its keyboard. My bad vision doesnt help at all.

But I have really missed my friends here.

No, I m not Ok.

I started a new therapist 2 months ago.
She is good. The best I have had.
She heavily comfronted (is that the word) me and my thoughts and beliefs, and that has been very difficult.

I have the hope that once my emotional problems are solved, I will be able to stop drinking.

I stopped taking any medication. I stopped fluoxetine, alprazolam, topiramate, .... Everything.

Not a good idea, I know.


I m very sorry because I sincerely like you all.
I will not be writing here frequently, I know that
But the people here had been my only light for years.
Thank you.

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

AIRAM - so good to see you here. SO sorry you are having problems - I wish you could post - oh gosh - you are posting from your phone? I will keep this short. Hugs and prayers to you. I will try e-mailing you.

Love, Sun XX