Progress thread for ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

You'll have to bring your own coffee, though. I can't afford what you (apparently) think of as coffee. Doesn't that take vestal virgins grinding the organic heaven-sent beans between their tender toes for a couple of days? Water from Siberia? Or Fiji. (that I can get. Apparently Fiji water, that they sell in 7-11 for $2/bottle is actually from the pristine and not-limitless Fijian islands.)

Which brings to mind something that we do exceptionally well, that you all across the pond will never be able to replicate. 7-11s, baby. And warehouse size grocery stores. We do everything big and fast and make no apologies at all for the convenience. Woop for the 24-hour convenience store and 276 varieties of pasta!

[windycitylady]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1385568 wrote: Lovelife, I was with my parents over the weekend and discovered that my mother was diluting my coffee with decaf because apparently I shout when I talk. It's a little much for her at 5:00 in the morning. And I would never be so gauche as to use two utensils at the same time. I'll try not to stare when you come for dinner.Oh my god, that's hilarious! I have always imagined you to be pretty intense, Ne. I don't know if I could handle you at 5 AM either.

ifulovelife2;1385703 wrote: It's weird to hear an American talking about diluting coffee when American coffee is so weak anyway. It's the homeopathic version of coffee: it's so diluted, it no longer actually has any coffee molecules left in it. It's liek someone who once saw a picture of a coffee bean took a piss in a lake and you get a cup of that lake water. The shit you people drink is NOT coffee. Just sayin'.

Also hilarious. There is strong coffee to be found here, Lovelife. It just costs $4 a goddamn cup.

Ne, I'm with you on the quitting smoking thing. I'm even contemplating taking wellbutrin. I experienced dramatically reduced cravings for cigarettes when I took it. Unfortunately, I also experienced hives and a weird happy/terrified mixed mood state. I dunno, I figure if I take a pill every other day, maybe I can handle being a little itchy and a little crazy to get me through the first week or so. Go figure (do you not use that phrase over there, LoveLife?), everyone at new job smokes, and management is surprisingly tolerant of it. Like, the year 2000 tolerant. And my sister's telling me that I shouldn't try to change so much so fast. But, very honestly, I'm vain and concerned about my teeth and wrinkles. And I have to smoke outside here. In the cold.
I'm curious to see how the bac effects it, should you decide to go that route. Does Ed smoke?
Glad to hear you're doing well!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I pick up my prescription for Wellbutrin today! I'm not sure how I feel about taking it, either. Another pill! That affects my neurotransmitters! But I figure it's time to do it and I'll throw whatever I have to at it. I know how well a pill can work for overcoming addiction.

It is so strange to me that I believe in medication now. I spent my life avoiding them and thinking they were just a way for docs to blow off my concerns/issues/feelings. It is a real irony that after so many years of just. not. taking. a damn pill, I took one up to overdose levels to finally get well.

It is also very strange to me that I am...intense. Drives me crazy, actually. Apparently not as much as it drives other people a little nuts. I hate that I can be divisive, though. It's exactly the opposite of my intention. I'm working on it....... *sigh*

Glad to read that you are doing well, WCL. Sorry about the phone and the money aspect of the job. My last (extremely brief) attempt at waiting tables made clear to me that it was going to take a while until I made any real money. The hierarchy and all that. It was also clear that it was going to take much longer than I was willing to give to it! Lordy that sucked. I can't believe how hard that job is. The things I used to love about it are exactly those demanding aspects. And I don't have it in me to be "on" and on stage every single night. Plus, talk about a trigger! The last several years that I did it, I was definitely not sober! And I felt very left out when everyone left the restaurant to go to a bar/club. Plus, I was too old/married. and :H Going to a nightclub is, for me, equivalent to spending an evening in hell at this point. The only thing I can imagine that would be a more annoying way to spend an evening (night) is to watch the amount and type of tv I used to when I was drunk. Some things actually ARE better with booze.

[windycitylady]

Progress thread for ne

Don't get me wrong, Ne. I think you're the perfect amount of "intense". Your passion and conviction have always been things that I admired and envied.
So you're going to do the wellbutrin? Do lemme know how it goes. Don't forget to eat! That was the other thing I (healthily or unhealthily) enjoyed about wellbutrin. I had next to no appetite. And I wanted water. All the time. I'd started taking it as an AD, but figured, Shit, I don't care what effect it has on my mood if I'm skinny, hydrated, and not smoking!
My attitudes about meds have changed drastically over the years as well. I grew up in a very "medication happy" household. I couldn't even tell you how many meds I'd been on before the age of 20. I really couldn't conceive of a life without some kind of medication. When I could no longer get my meds through insurance or through a script written for a family member who had insurance, I stopped taking them completely. It's hard to say what effect this had on my state of mind as I was drinking and doing cocaine pretty consistently. I THOUGHT I was fine. And this led to a kind of backlash against meds in my mind. People rely on meds too much, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, etc, etc. And I was pretty angry when I realized that taking SSRIs all through my adolescence and young adulthood had really done a number on my budding sexuality.
And now I've come full circle, not only on meds again, but taking them 5 times a day. There is a difference this time around though. I like my meds, but I don't feel completely dependent on them. I understand that they help but that ultimately the hard work is up to me. (We'll see if I'm singing that same tune when I inevitably run out of gabapentin soon. :H)
And, yes, I do need to establish myself at work. There definitely is a hierarchy. The staff seems to be divided between college students making beer money and older "professional servers" supporting real lives, and in some cases, families. I know some people there make awesome money. It will take a little while to join their ranks. But I think it will happen.
I do get jealous when I hear the younger servers excitedly making plans to get wasted on Saturday night. But I also get extremely smug and self satisfied when they're all hungover and looking like ass when we arrive to work brunch at 9 AM on Sunday morning. It is what it is.
I could watch hour upon hour of terrible TV. Very happily. But whether that has to do with my personality or the fact that I'm a big fan of dad's homegrown, I couldn't say.
Have you ever heard of Lana Del Ray? I think that's her name. Pandora played a couple of her songs, and I think I like her. In a moody, reflective way. If I knew how to use this laptop, I'd find a YouTube video. But I don't.

Goodness. I'm chatty today, huh? Got to get moving! Best of luck with the wellbutrin. It can increase anxiety in addition to all the other SEs we discussed, so listen to your brain. And eat more than peanut M&Ms!
:l:l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I just read the obituary for Anna Sargent. Hers is the fourth suicide that I know of that might be related to high dose baclofen. I knew two of the other people offline, one of them very well. Both of those people started to experience incredible anxiety and chronic insomnia. In both people, the onset was sudden and completely unexpected. Both people also stopped taking other medications during or shortly after their experience with baclofen. The first person I knew about from these boards that committed suicide had a remarkably similar experience.

Other medications, perhaps other problems, those things can't be discounted. But in the end, I can't say that I believe that HDB is safe. Certainly not safe enough to recommend online to anonymous posters who have no medical oversight. As is proven by Anna's suicide, and by my friend Michelle's, there is very little hope when one is at the end of one's ability to cope. Michelle was unable to get help at one of our hospitals because she was taking baclofen.

It's enough for me to move on. It's also enough for me to be very, very wary of taking any medications until I am completely off of baclofen. And that sooner rather than later.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

HA! Thanks WCL! I missed your response somehow. So...I started and then stopped the wellbutrin. I really liked it in some ways. It kept me perky during the day, and I'm very draggy on some days (mostly because I am not exercising etc. I think.) It definitely seemed to improve my mood. But I can't sleep and it made it much worse. MUCH worse. Benadryl didn't touch the insomnia and I'm unwilling to add a regular benzo or sleep med to the mix. You all know how I feel about sleep. It reigns supreme in my life. Couple that with the fact that I truly believe that we can get into some trouble if we start messing around with too many meds and HDB. HDB is non-negotiable, so whatever gets in the way of that has to go. Plus, I am also pretty certain the nicotine is going to be a mind game for me. I don't really crave it, though I still need it. I'm reading Allan Carr's book, plan on hypnosis and a support group. Maybe Chantix, if I take the time to research the hell out of it. I probably won't so I probably won't take it.

I decided to post today because things have gone from bad to worse about the house we just bought and things in my life are generally showing the strain. I knew this house was wrong. Just plain wrong. And my fears, all of them, have been substantiated. We have electrical power cords that run over our backyard. We found out last month that the electric company can take our property over (literally) in order to upgrade the power lines to high voltage (yikes!!). They are going to put up "temporary fences" and then plow everything to the ground. The 50 year old trees, the camellia bushes, the holly and the dogwood. All gone. It starts next month, right before my entire extended family arrives for Thanksgiving. The construction is planned to last for two years. Our property has lost it's value by tens of thousands of dollars. In other words, we are screwed. I cannot exaggerate how bad the situation is. It's that bad!

I'm constantly stressed, having difficulty managing that in any productive way, and don't really know what to do about it. Mind you, I have no interest in drinking or any other avoidance-approach. That just doesn't work, and so it doesn't appeal. But I have been really fucking miserable for a couple of weeks now. (More? I dunno.) And I keep unintentionally hurting myself, (back and joint problems) and can't see the forest for the trees.

I realized yesterday that I am back on the carousel. That's what I call the part of the disease that takes a situation and obsesses about it to the point of unreason. It doesn't reflect reality anymore, and then I start to think of the worst-case-scenario for just about everything. I've watched it, and walked enough people through it, to know how much a function of mental/chemical dysfunction it is. I can't believe it took me so long to recognize it!

Fortunately I'm a former drunk and not unused to figuring out a way out of really crazy circumstances.

I also realized that I haven't been able to do the things I know will help, like exercise and eat right and meditate, because I keep trying to start those things where I left off with them. But I gotta get back to the very, very basic basics.

Things are just...off. I may go up on bac again, even though I'm fully recovered from alcoholism and feel pretty sure I'll never drink against my will again. First, though, I'm going to take it very easy and become very focused.

How much does that suck? And how miraculous is it that I'm not drunk, drunk, drunk!?!?

[redhead77]

Progress thread for ne

Hey, I came back on here to respond to your thread and saw the post had disappeared. Your post really touched me, Ne. I guess you felt for whatever reason you didn't want to leave it up, but I wanted to say that you definitely seem cured. With everything you're going through and you're not drinking. And if you research Chantix, could you share the info? I'm interested in taking it, but am worried about how it might interact with HDB. I haven't even done a check to see if they're compatible. I have met a few people now who have quit smoking while using it. People who have smoked for 20 or 30 years and quit pretty effortlessly. It seems like the next best choice for me.

Sending some love to you, my friend. :l:l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Hulllooooo out there.

I've spent the day just rippin' it up and down and wondering what the hell the point is, but trying to just put on my big girl panties, my thinking cap, and just do the next right thing. Which is a lot to ask of a woman all in the same day, don't you think?

But I guess I'm not done, because here I am on this ol' thread with some things to say. Or rather write.

Two nights ago I got a late night call from an unknown number, and I answered it. It was the twin sister of the my friend who committed suicide 8 months and a week or so ago.

I met my friend Michelle here. She was taking baclofen and running out and looked here to find information about getting some quickly. I responded. It turned out that she lived about 10 miles from me!
We talked occasionally over the next couple of months, she hit the switch, stopped drinking, stopped taking her meds and stopped taking baclofen. A lot of other stuff happened, too. And then she took her life with a bullet to the brain. Helping people hasn't really been the same since then.

A couple of other things happened around here, too. I started getting heckled and harassed. It was pretty bad, I don't mind telling you. What made it really painful, though, is that I felt very hopeless and helpless about this whole thing. Meaning the reaching out via internet, anonymously. It doesn't work very well. It can be a little bit dangerous. Not for me! I'm safe. I'm happy. I'm so okay it's kind of embarrassing.

But this whole cocktail thing? It's not just about the cocktails. I guess that's the point. There're people out there who are just malignant. (Or just annoying.) But there's also a whole world of experiences that I cannot begin to navigate. And some of us die. (Lots of us die, actually. A humiliating and horrible demise for some of us. God, this disease can be a truly awful burden.)

Anyway. Back to the point. (I hear you pleading, "Please, Ne! GET TO IT!") I resolved to move on. I'm still resolved to move on! But I'm not quite done yet. Sorry for your luck.

And part of the reason is the phone call I received from the twin. She was drunk. She was also more coherent than I've ever heard her. And she is...wow. I don't need to say what I think she's feeling. You can imagine! She blames baclofen. And me, I suppose. I'm not sure she's wrong. In a weird way. Because baclofen works.

I gotta go. To be continued. Maybe.

Hang in there, people. Don't give up looking for a way out, because it is really lovely on this side. :l

[ifulovelife2]

Progress thread for ne

What in the name of crap happened to this thread? I haven't a clue what page it ended up on, or what happened to half the fucking posts. What the fucking fuck? Fuck! Seriously, FUCK!

Anyhoo, happy 2nd anniversary Neva-Eva Ne

[TexasAg]

Progress thread for ne

Happy Anniversary Ne!

Thanks for all you do for MWO and especially for your help and support!

A hearty Cheers!:l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Lol. It was time for it to go, though most days I really regret it. And apparently it has caused some consternation. I felt that there was too much of me on here. Still do, honestly.

Thanks Tag! I've been meaning to post all day, but couldn't decide what to say. Everything is just very...normal.

I have been taking baclofen consistently since October 2010.
I titrated up to ~320mg/day from October to February 2011.
On February 4 I didn't feel like stopping to pick up anything to drink on the way home from work. So I didn't and for the first time in my life it was okay not to drink.

The fact that I don't drink against my will anymore, that I don't crave alcohol or depend on any substance to be okay, is nothing short of a miracle. But really it's just medicine.

I take 150mg/day now. I started titrating down (from 160mg) last week. I'm planning on going down about 10mg every 2 or 3 weeks. I am fairly certain that I will never crave alcohol (or anything else) again, so it feels like it's time to get off of the medicine that made it a reality. On the other hand, I'm not in a rush because everything is just fine the way it is. I don't see any reason to change anything dramatically.

Cheers, friends. Baclofen works.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

Happy Anniversary Murph! :l

[TexasAg]

Progress thread for ne

Ne/Neva Eva;1465703 wrote: I won't go into how stupid-crazy-busy-stressful my week has been. Actually, I think I will. 3 exams. Doing less than stellar on one of them would've meant starting all over again. 2 papers. Orientation in the hospital. First full day in a hospital where I touched an actual sick human being. And that was just school. Oy holy mother effin'... I am so exhausted and thrilled! Mostly exhausted. It's really a shame that adrenaline just stops, dropping me off the cliff, instead of ebbing into a comfortable normal place. Anyway.

I didn't realize I was freaking out a little bit until I got in the shower this morning. I found myself unconsciously reciting "I'm not afraid" and thought, "Wow! I think I'm really afraid!" (Today was first hospital/actual sick human being day.) I thought of you, of course, and had a chuckle for both of us.

Then I got out of the shower and did what I needed to do (even if I didn't need to, exactly) to make sure that my emotions did not get the better of me today. That I could be present and in check, because even two years in, I can get on the carousel. I wish that'd included exercise and meditation and all the stuff that I know works. But after 4 hours of sleep and running late, I opted for the easier/quicker better-living-through-chemistry option. I am what I am, it is what it is, and I'm smart enough (hardly brilliant, though) to use ALL the tools in the box. We take steps, don't we, to be fully engaged and to take care of ourselves and what we love and care about? There're a lot more than 12, and it really has very little to do with the disease after a while. It's just life. *sigh* and WOOOHOOOOO!

But for me it usually starts with eminem. That crazy fecker. And our friend could do worse than to start slappin' some biatches, just so long as they're the ones in his head dragging him down.

Super love. To you AND to your family. I want to meet them! Seriously. Some day...

Sorry I didn't want to hijack Windy's thread but I did want to respond so I copied to your thread.

Wow! Ne, I got exhausted just reading. What are you studying for? I'm sure you've mentioned but I cant remember.

Cheers!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I am floored and awed by your post, WCL.

I don't even want to touch it. It's too good.

Thanks.

xo

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for ne

I'll get bac(k) to you later, Tag!