Progress thread for ne

[Seagirl1]

Oh Ne, I am so sorry if my post offended or hurt you. I honestly think I went overboard. It just triggered a lot of things for me when I was in a deep dark place with my ex partner. I do not have the right to demonise Ed as I don't know him and I don't know your relationship. It was just what he said to you re "burden" and "discard you" which set off red flags for me. You came back after support and I just went off all guns blazing. Please know you have my support and I don't want to make things any worse for you. I have also suffered from anxiety all my life so I know how it feels. I am oversensitive to pain in others. However, I decided that people who were toxic to me just had to go. It took a long time to get to this point but now I live peacefully alone with a handful of really good friends. Gorgeous friends. Friends who have my back and I have theirs.
Once again, I will tell you I care for and about you and my post was not meant to upset you. I wont send you the websites I think may be beneficial unless you ask for them. Because I have been totally awry about many things in my life.
Hope you haven't run off to your new website yet but really hope it all works out well for you.
I am not totally sober yet Karen. I have my outbursts with booze, but I just ask myself what it is about. Its usually about things I just cant handle in this world. Or my life. Funnily enough I am taking Gabapentin for Neuralgia but it never has entered my mind to use it as an "anti booze" thingo. Talk about naïve.
Be happy Ne. You so ,so deserve it. Your life and your writing is so authentic. And truthful.
Oceangirl xxx

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Oceangirl! I like that name, too.

Your post didn't hurt my feelings at all, and I think in some cases it would have been really appropriate. It's not okay to be with a partner that thinks I'm a burden. Period. If that feeling continues, we couldn't stay together. I told him that, too. Why he would think that he could, or would, stay with someone if he thought of them as a drain is beyond me. It's his pessimism, I guess? Or maybe depression? Or maybe just self-denial?

The irony that I am SO MUCH better than where I was, and he couldn't see it yesterday, was not lost on me. Hell, I even bathe regularly now. But really, I have started to participate in life, and he just doesn't want to acknowledge that. Probably because he's really angry, you know?

Anyway. We'll put it to rest for now and see how it unfolds in the coming weeks and months.

[Seagirl1]

Well I thought you had been sober for the past year Ne? I didn't realise you had been paralysed in some sort of fugue and had been in dirty pajamas. I thought you had been, perhaps finishing off your degree in nursing? Doing dishes and laundry is really not hard. Just push a button and its all done. Being the sole breadwinner, so what, and how often in the last year did he come home to a drunk wife? Not many times I bet. How long ago was that? When r u going to stop making excuses for a man who doesn't really think anything is his fault. You feel proud of him cos he cant express his feelings or not. Oh please! Enough. More nuanced. Oh please? Well I hope your pdoc came up with something amazing for you. I honestly want to take back a lot of what I posted above .Look up O"Hares red flags and deal with it.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Lol. We'll have to agree to disagree, at least for the moment. Rest assured time will tell and I have a wonderful support system separate from Ed, should I need it.

I signed back on because I remembered that I got out of bed and took my last bac dose! Yay me! So I think that makes 360mg for three whole days. Woot. (kidding. Will get better.)

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Seagirl, I have to apologize for the Lol. I also have to clarify a few things.

I have not been sober since about Dec 2014. For several months, I drank daily, but only got drunk occasionally, meaning once or twice a week, I guess. But then...Boom. I dropped out of school in April, two weeks before graduation. It was that or have a nervous breakdown.

Then I Got My Drink On. Full on gorilla on my back. What that means, specifically, is that I often drank 18 or more beers a day. Or two or three bottles of wine. I wasn't just in a fugue, I was practically in a mental coma. I sat on my porch all day reading fantasy novels. I didn't walk the dog. I didn't eat. I didn't do anything.

It wasn't every day. But it was more often than not. And it lasted at least a month, maybe two or longer. Who can say? Not me. I wasn't here.

I started to see this wonderful psychiatrist in May. I started to get it together sometime around late June or early July. That's when I realized I couldn't start school in August, which was always the plan. It's what I told Ed repeatedly, after I dropped out. "Honey, I know this is devastating and I'm so close. But I really can't do it. I promise I will take the class again in August and graduate in October. Then I will FINALLY, after 4 years, get a job."

You know what I did do? I spent almost $40k in a year. Without telling him. Without even realizing it! I was that disconnected from my life. Imagine how disconnected I was from him? And I didn't even know it.

That's how close I was to a complete meltdown. It's how bad it was, for him in particular. Because I wasn't there. I completely opted out of life for months. Even as I was pretending, even to myself, that everything was okay.

What I always had was hope. Or some semblance of hope, that things would be better. I knew that if I kept taking the pills, I could get the gorilla off my back. Or at least down to a manageable monkey-size. I knew that if I saw the right physician, I could get the depression under control. I knew that it was temporary. He didn't know any of that. Even though I am remarkably better, even though I am finally plopped right down into the middle of my life and actually living it, I still have bad days.

I hate having to admit all of this, especially since so many people have made me (against my desires) a poster child of sorts. But come on, people, we have to be real about the costs of this disease and of mental illness in general. It suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

So I didn't mean to dismiss you, Seagirl1. But it take two to damage a relationship. He's not abusive. He loves me with his whole heart. And I him. He is my reason to be a better person, and I am his. That's why, despite the fact that our relationship has had some really devastating blows over the last year, I know that we will make it through this. History tells me so.

And there is always hope and things will continue to improve.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

By the way, I start school in 13 days. And I'm almost excited about it.

I have the money to see a great doctor, which my insurance doesn't cover. My parents are helping us out of this financial hole I created. My husband still wants to be with me, play with me, and even make and have dinner together, despite being angry and hurt. He's not coming home and disappearing into a room and a bottle, which is what used to happen when we were both really sick.

My life is almost completely returned to normal, but ONLY because I have an incredible support network, not just in real life but friends (and strangers) from here at MWO who read these posts and sometimes say something that really, really helps me.

Thank you.

[Seagirl1]

Oh dear, I don't want to bash you around the head again. My new kitten has just jumped on my knee and started purring so have gone all gooey. I am so a doggie person but this youngster just came into my life and I really fell in love with him. And I mean really "fell in love", totally blindsided by my overwhelming feelings and protectiveness for a cat! Just wrote a whole long post but it went off into the ether. Maybe this is all I need to say right now. Bloody cat ! Take care peeps, you are all gorgeous. xxx

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Aw. I suppose I should be relieved that your kitten has made you all warm and fuzzy? But I wish I had read your original post.

Glad you love her. What does she look like? My husky puppy is 16 months old and I can barely stand her. But she's very pretty. :-/ And Ed adores her as though he gave birth to her.

xxx bacatcha

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I don't really feel like writing this morning. I think I got 4 hours of sleep last night? New drugs...But I feel good and am ready to get this party started. Ed's off and we have a boatload of to-dos.

At the moment, I'm watching my husband play with pretty puppy in the backyard. It's a gorgeous morning, but that's kind of beside the point. They are so damn adorable simply because they like each other so much. She does this Lipizzaner horse thing where she jumps on her hind legs following behind him...

What else? I think I drank 4 beers last night, which kind of bums me out. We'll use the rest of that Chardonnay for cooking because it's either bad or baclofen makes it so. I think I've completed 6 whole days of taking the same amount of baclofen consistently, though I did have to get out of bed at midnight last night when I realized I'd forgotten to take my evening dose...

More tomorrow or maybe later. Hope it's a good day for you all.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Do you guys know who Jenny Lawson is? If not, you oughta. Very funny. Very fun. Totally nuts. Love her. She has a blog. The Bloggess And a new book called Furiously Happy.

But this is my fave thing today:

https://thebloggesswp.files.wordpress.com/2015/09/fhquotes5.jpg

Like my grandmother always said, "Your opinions are valid and important. Unless it's some stupid bullshit you're being shitty about. Then you can just go fuck yourself." Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson

just sayin'

[Otter]

Gee, Ne, I take a break and you go and do that...

I am very glad to hear you have made it through that.

I wonder if there is a "mid-rcovery" crisis. I am not trying to be funny but my wife seemed to recover from 2009 for about a year and then all of a sudden crashed and burned big time, taking me down with her, big time. It took ages to get back over that relapse because it was 100 times worse than anything we had been through before and that was when I turned to the High Dose regime, and then it got even worse.

But, now she is better. I gave up during that period and had to step back and completely rethink everything which is why I translated the Prescribing Guidelines, because I wanted to know where we went wrong, so I had to translate the thing into good English, because, believe me, it didn't make any sense in French.

I think you will be fine...I really believe that.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Aw, thanks, Otter. I will be fine, I know.

It was my own fault. I went from a "switch" dose of 320mg to a maintenance dose of about 220mg and then down to 80mg over a year and stayed there for far too long. Got depressed, anxiety was out of control, and guess what? Booze was the (wrong) answer.

My relapse hasn't been nearly as harrowing as drinking against my will for 20+ years was. I knew it would end, and I knew/know how and why. It just takes time, dammit. And in the meantime, booze still tastes and feels good.

I'm so happy for you, for the successful relocation, for your wife's continued good health, and for the new job. Congratulations, Otter! Stay well.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Otter, I wrote you a really long post on a different thread. Then I realized I would be contributing to the problem.

You can't out-troll a troll. You know this!

We have tried EVERYTHING we can think of, every tool available to us, to win this battle against the troll. The only thing we haven't done is consistently and universally ignore him.

Trying to out-troll a troll just means there are two trolls and so makes it worse.

I'll email you this weekend. Hopefully you've got the same email address? I really want to know what you're working on!

Best,
Ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Serenity! It's so great to see you here.

I agree that the ignore button is pretty great! I used to put him on ignore but then couldn't resist reading. Now I actually use the tool. It works. Who knew? ha. Doesn't solve the problem, but sure makes posting less anxiety-inducing.

I love that Farside cartoon. Sadly, it's also applicable to the Pete the puppy.

I really look forward to your update. I have to admit, I'm envious of you and Terryk and wish I could say the same for myself. My (our) 4 year anniversary was particularly brutal, since my world was falling apart at the time. It wasn't long after that that I started to drink enormous amounts of booze...

Still, things ARE much better. I'm almost excited for the future! God knows, it was much harder the first time.

My pdoc actually emailed me a study about baclofen at 9pm last night! She is bloody amazing.

I can't believe how lucky I am. Though she would say there is no such thing as luck. She would say that we make our own luck, with some help from the Universe when we're on the right track. She's the full package, all right. I <3 her almost as much as I <3 you.

So glad you're going to update here. I am going to set up the new forum this weekend. Hopefully people will use it. Still, don't wait! Please!? I know it's hard for you and you hate it...I won't add pressure.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Seagirl1]

So sad to know the truth Karen.