just got my own bac!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

lushie, ne started the ruby thing. she thinks of me as a jewel. i've only ever seen cubs running along the road. phew! and i do appreciate that you appreciate my music, and my gorgeous, deep, and soulful boyfriend. i'll stop being a crybaby now!

ne, i get your thing about the capitals. no need to entertain my serious questions on that anymore.

no row tonight, cause there was no cox. can't row without a cox! (that's a leader, for all you dirty minds.) total crap.

and total crap if i don't get back to bed...

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

i am in a state of mild alarm at the moment. i don't care if that's an oxymoron cause i'm also a big grump. here's what bolted me out of bed: baclofen is making me totally fucking crazy (can i still swear on here?!); i can't even imagine the taste of lemon anymore! THAT is what threw me out of bed and into a tizzy. first, when i (think) i was awake, i couldn't imagine it, then, a few moments later and i was dreaming and making salad dressing, again i couldn't imagine it. baclofen is rewiring my taste center, making it impossible for it to find my prefrontal cortex or amagdyla or whatever place it is that brings information from my taste buds into my central system.

THAT is what got me out of bed. that and the fact that, once again, i was breaking out into a hot sweat, knowing that a coldness would soon permeate my body, one that no extra layer would cure. this happens almost every night these days.

now it all seems kindof silly. but for a moment i thought i had hit upon something truly revealing, giving me reason to quit the stuff entirely and immediately. but i suppose i should just get back to bed and suffer through another weird night of sleep. maybe i'll get the fun stuff like hallucinations and little girls placing flowers on my chest. or hoses suspended from the ceiling.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

earlier, speaking of being a grump, i said aloud -albeit in a quiet grumble- that sometimes i am totally sick of being a mother. my mother tried to shush me but it was too late. i don't think that anyone who isn't a single mother can understand the frustrations and drainingness of being on call twenty four seven, constantly at the mercy of a tiny beast who is totally dependent on you for security and sanity. it's a hard job when you're hardly sane yourself.

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1166421 wrote: earlier, speaking of being a grump, i said aloud -albeit in a quiet grumble- that sometimes i am totally sick of being a mother. my mother tried to shush me but it was too late. i don't think that anyone who isn't a single mother can understand the frustrations and drainingness of being on call twenty four seven, constantly at the mercy of a tiny beast who is totally dependent on you for security and sanity. it's a hard job when you're hardly sane yourself.

I can honestly relate to the feeling of being on call 24/7 to a beast and how draining and frustrating that can be. But that’s enough about my penis.

I may not be a single mother, but I do understand the demands of rearing the young and having to do so alone. However, in my case it’s bringing up puppies. I should imagine they are comparable situations and I will share with you some of my puppy training tips which I’m sure could be applied to child rearing:

Teach him some basic commands as soon as possible: sit, stay, come, leave. These are very important and may end up saving his life.

Don’t let him become a fussy eater. If he won’t eat what you give him, take his bowl away.

Does your son have long hair? If so, you should brush it once a week.

There’s no need to bathe him unless he’s been rolling in faeces. Unnecessary bathing will damage his skin.

It’s quite natural for him to want to sniff other children’s backsides and if he does it to other boys, it doesn’t mean he’s gay.

It’s OK to leave your child alone in the house when you go out for short periods. Don’t think you have to be with him all day long. Yes he may cry when you go out but he’ll become used to it.

Don’t ever give him chocolate, it’s poisonous to children.

He must learn that you decide when it’s playtime, not him. If he gets bored, give him something to chew.

If he keeps trying to hump your leg you may want to think about having him castrated.

Don't worry if you see your son licking his own balls. This is quite natural.

If your child eats other children’s turds, tell him off immediately. That behaviour must be nipped in the bud.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1166419 wrote: i am in a state of mild alarm at the moment. i don't care if that's an oxymoron cause i'm also a big grump. here's what bolted me out of bed: baclofen is making me totally fucking crazy (can i still swear on here?!); i can't even imagine the taste of lemon anymore! THAT is what threw me out of bed and into a tizzy. first, when i (think) i was awake, i couldn't imagine it, then, a few moments later and i was dreaming and making salad dressing, again i couldn't imagine it. baclofen is rewiring my taste center, making it impossible for it to find my prefrontal cortex or amagdyla or whatever place it is that brings information from my taste buds into my central system.

THAT is what got me out of bed. that and the fact that, once again, i was breaking out into a hot sweat, knowing that a coldness would soon permeate my body, one that no extra layer would cure. this happens almost every night these days.

now it all seems kindof silly. but for a moment i thought i had hit upon something truly revealing, giving me reason to quit the stuff entirely and immediately. but i suppose i should just get back to bed and suffer through another weird night of sleep. maybe i'll get the fun stuff like hallucinations and little girls placing flowers on my chest. or hoses suspended from the ceiling.

I had a particularly gruesome morning in January 2010 that seems pertinent to your thoughts. I got out of bed to start the day and felt off. I felt dizzy and had a headache, but that was how I felt every morning. I was full of anxiety and resentment and felt just miserable. Those feelings, too, were things I woke up with almost every day.
This particular morning something else was going on. I got in the shower and shortly thereafter I knew I was going to faint. My limbs felt heavy, I was boiling hot and turning the water to cold didn't help. I was still sweating.
My husband begrudgingly helped me to bed, I called out sick to work, and slept it off. When I woke I felt fine. I knew, of course, that it was the booze, but I had only had the usual amount to drink the night before. I swore to myself that I wouldn't drink that day. But I had the day off! And there was still wine! (I bought it by the case or two to save face.) I was drunk before the sun went down. My husband, though an alcoholic who has very similar feelings and reactions, was absolutely disgusted. The next morning I didn't even bother to get out of bed. I'd had double my normal amount to drink on my sick day, and I was pretty sure I wouldn't make it to the kitchen. I had a free pass, as I had made an impression about how sick I was. I had the rest of the week off to repeat the process.
January 2011 found me in the thick of HDB. Still drinking, lots of SEs, struggling to get to the end point. I remember when you were there, very recently. February 4th was my first night free.
I have a similar conversation with myself on a relatively regular basis, Ruby. I wonder what I'm doing and why I'm doing it and what I should do next in order to make sure that I never have to return to that living hell again.
Then I read something here, or some scientific article that reminds me just how life threatening, just how pervasive, chronic, and dangerous this disease is. I know that there is going to be a learning curve. That I'll figure out with some hindsight what lessons to learn from my experiences, whether they are feelings or actions or thoughts. That recovering from a chronic disease is a process.

And I take my medicine.

It's okay to question and get tired of it all. It doesn't mean you won't do the next right-ish thing. Have a good Sunday! Hope you got some sleep.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

thank you, ne, for taking me so seriously. i was taking myself quite seriously when i got out of bed at one thirty am. but once i started writing, i realized that my problem was really quite humorous, and only for a split second, while thinking about the lemon problem, did i consider that my brain was melting down and i should stop the bac immediately. once i had had a good laugh at myself, i took 40 mg and tucked back into bed. i've taken 20 just now, and shall continue to do so all day.

at my cousin's bridal shower today, i shall keep my anti-marriage attitude to myself, as it applies to me, not her. the man she is marrying is emotionally healthy and a hard worker. he is not a disillusioned demi-god martial artist. he does not whirl and twirl all day. (i intentionally do not mention the form my ex studies, as that is a small community in its bigness. but anyone who knows the various forms can suss out what he does by my description. shhh, don't tell.)

murph, thanks for your useful helpful hints. and the humor which makes me laugh. today i shall NOT hate mothering, thanks in part to you.

in the middle of the night, sometimes i do have some useful insights. my back has been problematic lately, and when i awoke three nights ago i had a DOINK! moment: i need better pillows! so i shall get online and order a buckwheat headrest. they are firm and shapable, and they don't outgas like the tempurpedic ones which are very comfy nonetheless. that will be cheaper than a series of shiatsu massages, though maybe not as feel-goodish.

thank you all for caring! i'm off to give my son a bowl of food, sprinkled with chocolate just for good measure.

[bleep]

just got my own bac!

baclofen definitely rewired my sense of taste. i first noticed it during the titration, suddenly vegetables were appealing for the first time in my life. sushi, abhorrent to me all my life, is now delicious. strange little things like that.

[SlipperyPete]

just got my own bac!

Rudy - you are a strong ass woman! We all know I'm a huge crybaby, so there's no way I'd be able to handle being a single-mother in the middle of a divorce while entering the strange world of sobriety. My hat is off to you.

And this is your thread, you can swear if you damn well please, IMO.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

thanks guys! yep, i'm strong. but sometimes my ego scares me.

another moment of truth, this time at 4:20 am: what motivated me to say in a previous post that i had been a dee jay in nyc? probably my ego, as it's something to brag about. but i must qualify that: i was in that role for a former boss who wanted a female dee jay as part of the glamorous showcase for his new trendy restraurant (which flopped within two years). it was short lived and no big deal; i had the record collection and the right look, so i had the job. whatevs. just hope i didn't seem like a braggart, cause i'm really not. i just have fun sharing my past, which in some ways was kinda unusual.

in my present, i'm at my cousin's beautiful house with her, my sis, our chitlin', and my brother. we had quite a feast last night, with out parents and the other set of cousins. it was a fun reunion. i had some wine (for the first time in ages; i knew the ale would just fill me up), and found myself chasing that horse for the first couple of glasses. then i had a little toke of some special something and the drinking basically stopped. it made me grounded and reflective, somehow more present and less interested in escape. phew. then i ate. tons. my father brought a huge lobster salad. i had about four servings. i was thirsty after that, but there was no room for the water!

oh, my father. he's totally unable to engage. his way of relating is by telling of the yacht he dreams of buying, or showing us his new vw tdi that is more comfy than his previous car, a porsche. the poor man. he is so very fat! he claims he only drinks a glass or so of wine a day, and i believe him. (gone is the noontime vodka in a mug.) he's very concerned about his health, having a heart condition, and having just gotten a clean bill of health after prostate cancer. but he gets winded by standing up, and i'd say he's carrying about 100 extra lbs. (how many stones is that?) he has always eaten a tremendous amount of food, and now that he's not climbing a mountain a day anymore, he can't get away with it. it's painful to look at him. but at least he no longer torments us with his drunken rage. he must've used that up when we were teens. and now it seems to be in the hands of his sister to do that; she's threatening the life of our dear uncle by berating him incessantly with her nonsense that often begings after just one sip of wine. ergh, family drama. i'm glad i'll be sparing my loved ones the crap that the beast brings in a handbasket with a chekered napkin.

ok, off for a smoke with my cuz (the one who dares travel the world, much to her insane mother's bafflement). then a pond swim. then puppets at the library. oh, if only the summer could last all year!

[redhead77]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1166421 wrote: earlier, speaking of being a grump, i said aloud -albeit in a quiet grumble- that sometimes i am totally sick of being a mother. my mother tried to shush me but it was too late. i don't think that anyone who isn't a single mother can understand the frustrations and drainingness of being on call twenty four seven, constantly at the mercy of a tiny beast who is totally dependent on you for security and sanity. it's a hard job when you're hardly sane yourself.

what you are saying completely resonates with me. i understand it, all too well. i posted on your other single mother comment maybe a week ago, and then deleted it early the next morn. i had read it while i was away and couldn't respond, and then when i could i pulled it up from deep in your thread. I felt badly about doing this after, and went on to delete my comment. I think it was a good one. Better than what I have now. i sometimes think i'm going to pack up and run away. in search of sanity. the sanity i don't have. the sanity the tiny beasts take from me and depend on me for. i kind of think of it like a bank acct. it is like i have constant withdrawals with very few deposits. i think sometimes i am nearing a negative balance. and then i have this huge deposit by the little people, and i'm again able to live for a while. does my analogy make sense?

murph, your post in response to this was very humerous. how do you think of this stuff so fast? you have a gift.

i liked your dj story. i don't think you sound like a braggart at all. keep the stories coming miss rudy. i also like the ruby thing. i didn't know ne called you this because you're a gem. it's perfect! your time with your family sounds delightful. :H it really does, i know some things are frusterating, it always seems so with the ones we love. you know they say in reincarnation that we choose the same souls over and over. so in the next life your father might be your son and so on. we are attracted to the souls we knew from a previous life too. in some ways if reincarnation were true, it would be a good thing. we would have a chance to fix the relationships we effed up in this life, in our next. seems like a good plan to me.

enjoy your pond swim. and that lobster salad last night sounds scrumptious. can you believe our school started in the middle of last week? for real!

[sjm]

just got my own bac!

rudy, i don't remember shushing you...but i apologize if i did...it's good to express your true feelings in a safe place...and you are always safe with me, as you are here. i remember having similar feelings of being sick of mothering 3 kids basically by myself--tho i didn't have to earn the $$$ to keep us as you do--that is a major difference. you are doing SOOOO well and i'm very proud of you...still shouting from the rooftops! xoxomom

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

hiya red!

yes, your analogy is perfect. just perfect. it is how i feel EXACTLY! not least the part about the little beast giving a deposit just in time. i think of you often with three of those and my jaw drops every single time. how DO you do it, woman?!

and school, oh school! ergh. i keep telling myself it's not the end of life. i shall continue to row and go out at night (ok, i shall START doing that) and enjoy my quiet moments on the front patio. all will not be lost. my son keeps asking, 'when can i go back to my school?!' i am so excited for him! he loves it there, and they love him so much. i feel so good knowing that he's in a lovely cocoon full of soulful intelligent people who love children and see them each as precious jewels. (and the school prides itself on helping form citizens who contribute to a democratic society in a positive, progressive way.)

speaking of jewels, i'm not sure ne ever said exactly that she thinks i'm a jewel (though she might). she did say that every time she saw my handle, she thought of the jewel, and so it stuck. i don't mind making the extrapolation that she thinks i'm shiny and red.

[redhead77]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1167215 wrote: hiya red!

i think of you often with three of those and my jaw drops every single time. how DO you do it, woman?!

i don't know miss rudy. i often wake up in the morning and think, i just can't do this. not today. i am trying to recover from this crippling illness. and then i make myself do it. just like you do, i'm sure. whether it's one or three, we are still the same. you push through it, just like I do. i also have my nanny who helps. i've gotten so used to the extra hands, i'm not quite sure what we'll do when she leaves. she will be here until next summer. she is saving to move out west with some of her friends. :upset: i guess I have time to figure it out, don't i? you will laugh at this one. her mom missed her, so she asked me if she could come for a few days. i have her mom and twin brother staying with me right now. :H they will be here today and leave tomorrow night. it's surprisingly comfortable.

i am excited for your son to go to school. is he beginning first grade this year?

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

I'm full of admiration for any single parent who manages to do a good job of raising their kid(s), let alone one breaking free from addiction. :l

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

red, he starts kindergarten. you'll still have the little one at home, but do the other two go to school? and yes, thank god you've got your nanny. you'll find another by next year!

murph, thanks for your acknowledgement. i was sure you'd make a comment on the beasts making deposits, something of the turd nature.

this morning we slept until eight o'clock! now there's an argument for keeping the little beast up till way past his bedtime! (though, the previous two nights when i did, he still got up at six!)

and so, my vermont vacation is coming to an end. i'll drive the four plus hours south today, with many stops. i still get very sleepy when i drive... wish me luck.

xo rudy