just got my own bac!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

i am going to hire someone to paint the house. i would surely leave everything half-done. i hate painting.

i am shakign like a leaf. it is a miracle i made it home from my outing today. i almost swerved off the road. i don't want to discourage, but if naps aren't in the mix (and they will be soon, every day, as i'm almost done w work for 8 weeks), i fear for my life! i try to believe that this will pass, but i am not hopeful, especially as i seem to need to keep going up w bac in order to reach indifference. i'm not there yet. how much will quitting the favorite ale -the habit of it- help me reach indifference more quickly, at a lower level of bac?

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1131506 wrote: the ex bf kissed me on the lips, quickly. it was a surprise. i did not try to make it last, just ftr. i am not a masochist (anymore).

WHY???????????????
Why did the (gay) ex bf kiss you?
Why did you let him?
Why are you still seeing him?
What is to be gained from continuing that relationship (in whatever form)?

Yes I am going to harass you about this until I get a reasonable explanation.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

here 'tis murph, tho i have much more important things to talk about...

we had dinner together at our local japanes rest. as i explained above, it was a quick kiss that neither he nor i prolonged nor sought something from. it was unexpected, friendly, non-sexual, but it was more than he used to give to me spontaneously (i was always the initiator of a lips kiss).

the restaurant is a place we've often eaten together, over the course of our year-long friendship/relationship/thingy. through the transmutations of our connection, we've always had regular contact, and we have been better friends ever since i gained insight into his sexuality, probably in part because i've let go of any expectations, and i've ceased expressing sexual undertones in my communications with him. it is clear that he's now more comfortable with me, prob because i'm not asking from him something that usually doesn't feel quite right for him to share with me. over the past yr that i've known him, in spite of his confusing behavior, i've felt a mutual loyal friendship at the heart of our connection. so now it is allowed to exist without uncomfortable -though unintended- pressure.

...naturally, whatever was there that initially DID attract him to me physically, is uncovered a bit, aired out. for a bisexual man, which i'm starting to think he is, it has gotta be more comfortable to have access to a woman without feeling pressured to access her, if you know what i mean.

add to this scenario the fact that i am very open with him, about pretty much everything. like i said, there is friendship at the root of our connection. he knows i've given up on men for now, that i no longer seek 'the partner,' or even sex. that i realize i have self-work to do and it's better done alone. that i always knew i'd be a single mom and i only feel sadness in passing when i see, for example, the family at the next table having a nice unified experience dining together, something totally unlike my known reality.

and that i wonder if i've attracted the experience to me by expecting it, that of being a single mom without the classic version of a family.

i've acknowledged to him that i'm not his 'cup of meat,' and that's okay. he said he should've been open to it. i said not really, that rather he should've been more honest about his reservations. feelings are never obligated. when he said the other day, 'maybe i'll call you later,' i said, in an un-bitter tone, 'we both know you won't. you said that practically every day this past winter and it never happened. i'll talk to you sometime.' only good has yet come of my candor.

he knows about my drinking, and the way in which i am addressing it (he's one of my closest people who knows about bac and what it's doing to and for me). he knows everything. and he is a very thoughtful listener. (perhaps i should've put this paragraph above, as i realize it gives the most essential subtext.) when we are together, it is gentle and connected. i've wondered if i'm so attracted to him because he's unattainable, but i've learned that it's his feminine side that draws me to him (not because he bats his eyelashes and hangs a limp hand - he doesn't, he is very masculine). he cries at the simplest of lifes cruelties. he listens with his eyes.

anyway, murph, i hope that helps clarify. it certainly has been enlightening and cathartic for me to write this.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

i need to share my victories.

my pantry is reorderd and the kitchen is now passable. i won't be embarassed to recieve visitors. i have not been drunk in possibly a few weeks, maybe only almost that much time, but that is HUGE! i haven't had vodka but once and only half the former amount, in a dozen days. i've ordered bac well in advance, so the necessary call to dr L will be made by the pharmacy in time in the am, and he will -i hope- explain to them my dosage so the insurance co doesn't reject my request each time i call to refill which, clearly, will become increasingly frequent. i've gotten my son to bed fully present, not let him pass out in front of netflix like i used to do more often than i'll ever want to admit.

and i discovered upon looking out the window, as i was changing the storm to a screen, that i had left the car key in the ignition. that's a MAJOR save; had i gone out in the morning to a dead battery, i might've completely lost my mind. but it didn't happen.

i have found someone i used to work with, and whom i like very much, to help me organize and clean my house. she has lots of experience with hoarders. (i am not one, but my ex hub was a bit, and i've never been good at clearing shit out.)

so, there you have it.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

and if the ex bf truly wants to resume a romantic relationship with me, which i very much doubt, he'll have to work pretty hard to convince me, and i think he knows it. let's watch and see if it'll even be an issue, shall we?

[redhead77]

just got my own bac!

Ah, Ms Rudy. Where to begin? We have much in common. You have no idea. I too like to garden. My very little garden (because I don't have acres of land like you), has been neglected this season. The first in maybe 5 years. I haven't planted anything yet. I don't know why. It is causing my children some distress. I'm not being consistent. Not doing what I always do and did. I do want my garden. I may go tomorrow and buy plants of what I can. I know I can still get seeds in some things as well. They love to help me out there.

Hope you don't mind, I can't write without capitalizing. I just can't switch back and forth. I may be terrible at grammar (written anyway), but my speech is impeccable, the Queen's English for sure. I was told I was going to learn the King's English. My family doesn't understand the difference.

You are coming along beautifully, my dear. I'm happy to hear you're losing the masochist in yourself. I know the masochist very well.

As far as houses go, my house got to utter shit. It happened when I was a drunk to a degree, but not too much. I held down my house better as a drunk, than I did climbing the bac ladder. I did have a cleaning lady at the time. Once a week because I had to. I needed her. Then I quit my job, and I had to take care of everything on my own. Yikes, when you're going up. I couldn't do it. My house went from being very clean to a pig stye. Remember, dear one, you can only do one thing at a time. All else will get fixed. I know you're already doing this, but don't get frusterated if you can't. I still have to remind myself that I can't undo what a couple of years did to my house and to me.

Sometimes I think my house may fall apart. I built it 8 years ago, and it turns out it was a crappy builder. Everything is breaking. Falling to pieces. I am not handy at ALL. I can hardly fix anything around here. It leaves me very stressed and upset. Wondering who is going to fix whatever next. I do have a helper (my ex husband's best friend), but I try to avoid him. He has been trying to sleep with me for years, and now he knows my marriage is over. I am living and dealing with the broken shit girl!

I have to put my kids in front of the video games and tv all the time. Don't get me wrong, I don't like it. It makes me feel crazy and torn inside. I do it because I have to. When they do need to call on me, I can be there, sober. The biggest reason I can't get on MWO would be my kids. They are super time consuming Rudy. I get it so much.

I know I don't post much on your thread. I do read it. I'm feeling kind of sorry to sum up my thoughts after weeks of your thoughts. I just want you to know I'm here and understand.

I even get the ex bf. I understand why you like him. He doesn't sound very engaging, but you say he is, when you verbally communicate with him. Either way, you may need to ditch him. I would say entirely and soon, but you know who and what he is. You'll decide the right course of action. I have a feeling he will become nothing soon. You will move on to bigger and brigher things. Ones that make you know and feel that you are an amazing, wonderful, and beautiful woman.

Because you are Rudy. :l

Pelirroja (only for you because I decided not to change my sig).

[bleep]

just got my own bac!

you built your own house red? and you say you aren't handy?! jesus! If I'd built my own house, we'd all be sleeping outside for fear the one room shack would collapse on us and kill us in our sleep.

i don't understand why rudy needs to ditch the gbf? anything that lends support during this should be grabbed with both hands, and the guy sounds okay. provided he's aware, which he seems to be, of the status, then it's all cool, i would think. i suck at this sort of thing, so take anything i say with a pinch of salt. in fact, do the reverse and you'll probably come out better.

rudy, high dose baclofen can suck. it's worth it in the end though. as you say, you are seeing some of the advantages. i'm reminded of a cheesy saying that my dad has hanging on his office wall, about perseverance. something about the tide turning just as people want to give up. hang in there, you sound very close to me.

[redhead77]

just got my own bac!

I didn't build my own house Bleepster. A builder did. I just picked out the shit I wanted and explained what I wanted done. It's not even that cool. I have a semi-custom home. Meaning I had options and chose from them, and said what to do. I didn't decide from the beginning. Anyhoo, I might be walking from my house soon. Maybe not too, I have a damn good lawyer (firm), and he just got a major extension for me. His group listed 43 reasons they don't have a judgement against me. They have until September to answer the reasons they screwed up. Best case scenerio, I own my house free and clear without a mortage, cause they can't prove it. Worst is, well you know. What I'm already planning for. Sorry Rudy patootie. For a hijack while you sleep.

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

Rudy, thank you for that most thoughtful insight into your relationship with gbf.

I think I ought to comment on the most important points:

RudyB;1131607 wrote: i've learned that it's his feminine side that draws me to him ? he cries at the simplest of lifes cruelties. he listens with his eyes. Have you considered you might actually be more suited to a relationship with a woman? It?s something to think about. I could point you to some pornos, I mean educational videos, that could help you examine that aspect of your sexuality.

RudyB;1131607 wrote: i realize i have self-work to do and it's better done alone.

Guffaw, fnaaar, fnaaar, titter!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

my god, murph! you are true to form. nope, i'm not even bi. i like my men and their masculinity. my ex hub was very masc and had NO fem. he was boring as shit.

thanks for your post, red. and i never mind a 'hijack.' if this were exclusively about me, it would become quite boring and uncomfortable. yep, we have a lot in common. i, too, have a slammin lawyer (firm). and, nope, my ex hub is not going to get what he wants which would, effectively, have me pay for my house twice. fuck that!

i was struk by your words about the ex bf, and how i should ditch him and he's not very engaging. on a level he isn't engaing. (but how did you pick up on that? you mean the fact that he only sometimes keeps his word about calling?) he isn't educated or intellectual, so there's that aspect. but, like i said, he is proving himself as a true friend, adn i definitely need those right now. so i won't ditch him entirely, but i do think i should ditch the notion of being lovers with him again. i have toyed with it in my mind, but have decided that it would be a big mess of worms. eventually, we'd be right back to the compartison to shagging a cucumber, for all the affection, stimulation, and sexy talk that he's worth. think i'll stick with my bald younger guy, when he does'nt ahve a broken car or fall asleep sick for 16 hrs, zonked on robitussin. (that's why he never called last wkend for our rondez vouz.)

murph, i'm surprised you didn't weigh in on the whole ditch or keep question.

red, keep capitalizing. no rules here, though we tried. i'd capitalize if i coudl, but it slows me way down, as we know, adn ttakes some of the joy out of it, as does correcting my persistant errors, like almost every time i go for and, it comes out adn. fuck it.

what's the diff btwn the king's and queen's english? i def know the diff btwn new and old money. in my case, it's kinda a combo of both. my grandparents (dad's side) were from english immigrants w no money. gramps came from farmers and butchers who eventually went bankrupt. (they once let a neighbor graze their cow on their fields. cow got hit by lightening and killed. neighbor tried to sue.) gramps went to northwestern, bacame a lawyer and a banker, made wise investments in land and stocks, made his offspring and grandchildren very comfortable. that's how i got to owning my country house while i was still a waitress in nyc. and had the great good fortune of going to very fine schools.

so, i think that makes mine new money. but i also got the training in spkg and writing (someone's) english. sadly, the money is gone now. but i've put it to good use: a home and an impressive education. not wasted money. i'm way ahead of the game thanks to gramps and his incredible wife, my nana.

so glad, red, that you share the whole video thing. glad in the sense that it helps me feel less guilty. my son's father CAN"T know about how much i rely on it. when we hear him drive in, son knows to close the computer, put away teh ipod. it's kinda funny. dad has NO idea whatsoever how challenging it is to be engaging every second. once, i showed him an album of fotos of son that he'd never seen. when i ipicked up son, i asked if they'd looked at them. his respponse was that, no, he'd been playing engagedly with son the whole time. as if to say that that was the superior and only way to do things (which it probably is on a level, but nigh impossible, adn would make me nuts to hold myself to it, and my house would be in far worse shape than it is). as if lkg at fotos wouldn't be engaging. he's a very limited prick. (and his knob is small. i told him that once in a fit of rage, post breakup. i feel sorry for his pretty little younger gf. but she probably deserves it.)

ok, i gotta scoot over to ig's thread and state my intentions on quitting smoking. he made a good suggestion that i try to coordinate losing said habit w losing al. bac can help w both, i'm convinced. adn, whereas it's good not to overwhelm the self w too much at once, i am very bothered by this habit's increasing hold on me. my tongue is always sore, adn i fear for my life. i'm giving it all a concerted whirl.

i really appreaciate all of you chiming in. i feel more inspired to post now, which is great, cause i need this.

love y'all. have a beautiful day. (oh, i have to meet w the asst superintendent today. i'm hoping i'll get a nap in beforehand. i'll be sure to tell my dept chair before our mtg that i'm having sleep issues, so she knows i'm not on drugs (ha ha) if i seem out of it. wish me luck!)

xoxo rudy

[Murphyx]

just got my own bac!

OK, the ?x? for kiss I understand, but why ?o? for hugs?

Anyhoo,

RudyB;1131786 wrote: murph, i'm surprised you didn't weigh in on the whole ditch or keep question.
Why would I? You?re clearly intelligent (despite the non-capitalization, which could suggest the contrary) and have a good understanding of your emotional needs and responses, so any input from me would be superfluous. He?s important to you, just not in a shaggy kinda way.

RudyB;1131786 wrote: what's the diff btwn the king's and queen's english?

It just depends who?s on the throne at the present time. At the moment, the particular lazy pig in power is a woman, so it?s the Queen?s English. Although her family of inbred retards are barely capable of stringing an intelligible sentence together, so they really have no right to lay claim to the language.

RE the smoking thing: It?s not a good idea to even think about that right now. Deal with the booze and only the booze at the moment. That?s THE only important thing at this time. Everything else can come later.IM(always)HO :H

[redhead77]

just got my own bac!

I envision the "o" for hugs was created because it's a circle. It would be like wrapping your arms around something.

Wait Rudy! I think I'm confused. Are we speaking of two men here? Which one didn't beg, borrow, or steal, to get to your house when you texted him Wanna Fuck? I think it's the guy with the broken car. Right? I thought he was the gay ex bf. Now I'm thinking I have this all wrong. That's the younger guy, isn't it? I think you need to clear this up for me Rudy. I did mean engaging in the sense that he rarely follows through on his word. I also meant engaging in um other ways. If he couldn't make it to your house (and hitchhiking is not out of the question with a text like that), he should have asked for a rain check!! I don't want to be too judgemental of your prospects. At least you have some options at the moment. :H

[redhead77]

just got my own bac!

Not options with the gay one. I think he would only hurt you if you were to physically involved with him. It's nothing I have to tell you. You already get it sister.

[bleep]

just got my own bac!

Ah, now the chap who couldn't make it over after a text like that deserves to have both his head and his car examined. That guy I would consider ditching. Jesus, I can't imagine the circumstances that would have kept me away after getting that particular message!

[taw]

just got my own bac!

I too am guilty of parking son in front of the tv....sometimes you just need to...but he just got a new DSI from his dad so that is his new obsession...he will be 9 next month so I guess it is understandable..I just don't understand the whole video game thing...

I wish I had some relationship problems...have been single for way too long. I have been divorced for 3 years seperated for 4...

I love to garden. When I had my house I had a huge garden. It was my escape...then I had to move to an apt. Then moved to another apt and we have a tiny little yard so I have taken upon myself to maintain it and plant some flowers and a tomatoe plant. Gives me something to do when son is at his dads.

Sounds like you are progressing nicely Rudy! Keep it up! I too have been reading and following your thread just always seem to run out of time to post! We can do this!