just got my own bac!

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

well shits and giggles, lushie!

i'm having a sober night, too, if you don't count the high on bac that i've gotten since i've just dropped 60 mg, having forgotten to pop enough pills during the day.

and no shit about the gratitude, huh?! i'm gonna find that old phone book, in the back of which i scrawled some quotes about gratitude from my mother, which inspired me to always keep that feeling of thanks very close to my heart and mind. i think it's a very good thing. i mean, look at our lives now, right?

you don't need me to correct you on grammar. you've used 'weren't' not 'wasn't' where many if not most people would've blundered. keep it up, sistren!

sweet dreams to one and all.
rudy

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

a while ago i (thankfully) woke myself from a dream that felt very real. i had to pee and my son's legs were weighted across me, and those surely had to do with my nighttime movie programme (that spelling is for murphy), as did the 60 mg of bac i had downed. in my dream, i was in my sister's house at night, waking up from a sleep in which i was trying to puzzle out just why i had made a silly decision about transportation arrangements to my rowing appointment (which i do have at 7:30 am thank you very much!). i went to the loo (again, for our beloved murph), and on my way out, my sister padded down the hall from the left. from the right came a 7-ft-tall creature in a long white night shirt with a white gauze scarf wound loosely around his or her neck (gender wasn't apparent), dead-ish in appearance, with pasty white skin, a small head, and puffy grey eyes. oh my! i could barely make a sound as i screamed 'help!' then i managed to croak out to the unsightly visitor: 'well you're very tall, aren't you?'

i'm going to add this to that rich and graphic tale, a song for one and all potion seekers:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1Hf9qEt2m8[/video]]macaco_ la pocion - YouTube

and, lady lush, i will state for the public record just how lovely you are, and this place is, for the healing capacity that both demonstrate. remember that time, months ago, when you mistook me for an impersonator of someone who had been quite a meanie in the past? and you told me that you'd never respond to another one of my posts? well, i don't think you know this, but both ne and murph responded to my pm's assuring me that you were on hdb and misunderstanding my identity, that it would blow over. a few weeks later, after we had gotten past it on the threads without directly addressing it to one another, you sent me an apology (needlessly, but it was so sweet). just look at that! the way things are supposed to be, once again. i am deeply grateful for our friendship, and for the fact that you remain one of my principal (and only!) posters.

love to you and all!
ruby rudy ru

[Dosage0]

just got my own bac!

RudyB;1186323 wrote: a while ago i (thankfully) woke myself from a dream that felt very real. i had to pee and my son's legs were weighted across me, and those surely had to do with my nighttime movie programme (that spelling is for murphy), as did the 60 mg of bac i had downed. in my dream, i was in my sister's house at night, waking up from a sleep in which i was trying to puzzle out just why i had made a silly decision about transportation arrangements to my rowing appointment (which i do have at 7:30 am thank you very much!). i went to the loo (again, for our beloved murph), and on my way out, my sister padded down the hall from the left. from the right came a 7-ft-tall creature, dead-ish in appearance, with pasty white skin, a small head, and puffy grey eyes. oh my! i could barely make a sound as i screamed 'help!' then i managed to squeeze out to the unsightly visitor: 'well you're very tall, aren't you?'

i'm going to add this to that rich and graphic tale, a song for one and all potion seekers:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1Hf9qEt2m8[/video]]macaco_ la pocion - YouTube

and, lady lush, i will state for the public record just how lovely you are, and this place is, for the healing capacity that both demonstrate. remember that time, months ago, when you mistook me for an impersonator of someone who had been quite a meanie in the past? and you told me that you'd never respond to another one of my posts? well, i don't think you know this, but both ne and murph responded to my pm's assuring me that you were on hdb and misunderstanding my identity, that it would blow over. a few weeks later, after we had gotten past it on the threads without directly addressing it to one another, you sent me an apology (needlessly, but it was so sweet). just look at that! the way things are suppose to be, once again. i am deeply grateful for our friendship, and for the fact that you remain one of my principal (and only!) posters.

love to you and all!
ruby rudy ru

those rowing people are scary. As a psychologist I would say that you have a deep affection for swamp monster women. This is something that you want to pursue while awake in order to cure this affliction, for the best effectiveness I would go ahead and do so tomorrow and take pictures.

Just kidding, what the hell is wrong with your dreams lol?

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

dose, now are you channeling murph? i swear you sounded just like him for a sec. wait a minnit, maybe you are him! i'm off to find the moderators... (but wait, nobody ever told me how to do that!)

now you lay off us rowers! we're some of the smartest people i know! just look at all those fine universities with rowers pulling away in their names! swamp schwamp! we scrimmage in nice wide, deep creeks and gentle rivers. (the distinction btwn creeks and rivers was made once w murph and i, cause he was confused by my use of the former term to describe where we row. read back for an explanation. it was some time in july. oh how i miss having that shrewd man here on the boards with us. but you know that already.)

and, if you've been reading carefully and taking notes like you should be, you'd know that my dreams have been with me forever. nana held my hand through plenty of them. the hdb and having to pee are contributors to an already over-active rem sleep. (remember also that my initials are rem; i come honestly by all this business.)

so you're a psychologist, huh...?

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

palabra del dia:

to recover: recuperarse

me siento recuperada. (i feel recovered.)

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

half an hour ago, my son and i were lazing in bed. he had just woken up and we had exchanged a few languid words. i was dying to tell him about my dream, but i wanted to hear what would next come out of his mouth without my prompting. i knew it would be a gem... sure enough, within moments his vocal chords put something forth: 'naked fart!'

after describing my dream to him, i figured out a couple of things. that moment in which i realized i wasn't making much effect as i tried to shout for help from the strange beast, i thought of a new plan. it was intentional of me to switch gears and make a comment about how tall that figure was, directly to him/her, in a lighthearted, unthreatening and unthreatened way. how wise is the dreamer! it was in that instant that i woke up.

when in conflict, we have choices from the moment we notice its presence inside of us. we might resist and fight against it. or we can choose to change directions, stay light on our feet, and use the energy of our would-be attacker to off-balance -if not topple- their aggressive impetus to confront. it's exactly like aikido. really cool stuff.

after the dream talk, my son and i played rag doll, which just yesterday -strangely, as i used to love doing that with my mom and would've expected myself to have thought of it sooner- i began playing with my son. in case you don't already know, it's when the person being the doll lies as relaxed as possible, and the other gently lifts an arm or a leg or a finger, and then lets it drop. the object is for the doll not to help get her leg or arm up, nor to resist its falling to the bed. what a fantastic way to relax, connect, and learn to let go! and it might be the only time i encourage my son not to help.

the ghoul in my dream was a bit like a rag doll.

hope everyone awoke this morning refreshed and ready to seize the day in a light-footed tango.
xo rudy

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

my son is drawing. he just put some letters in with it (after first drawing a scene from my dream). he wrote: OAO. funny that. harkens to a good doctor we all know and respect. he asked me what it spelled, and i pronounced it as well as i could. he said, 'oh, cool! i've written "wow!"'

now, he just wrote 'CAT'! my son's first written word! ...an animal that makes me wheeze.

[SlipperyPete]

just got my own bac!

Rudy, let's see those abs.

RudyB;1186486 wrote: OAO. funny that. harkens to a good doctor we all know and respect. he asked me what it spelled, and i pronounced it as well as i could. he said, 'oh, cool! i've written "wow!"'

Shouldn't it be "Oh wow!"?

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

only if you're portuguese or brazilian.

[redhead77]

just got my own bac!

Maybe not many have been posting because they don't want to disrupt the beautiful flow of your writing. You really are a gifted writer Ru. And your sober life sounds wonderful.

I've miss my doses during the day too. More than I'd like to admit. I then find myself taking large doses late. I wonder if after some studies show the efficacy of bac, if big pharma will jump all over it. They'd make a fortune if they took the chemical structure of bac, found a way to make it extended release in various strengths, and marketed it under a different name. We'd all take one pill in the morning. Somehow I think that may be the future.

Love ya. :l I hope you and G are doing okay. And I hope you bought the olive leaf extract.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

aww, sweetness(es) (-petey, too). thanks for the props on my writing, red!

funny, last night i woke up several times and took notes on the profundities in my head. one of the notes was to the effect that when i was drunkstoned, i'd scratch the most profound things down and, in the morning, they struck me as being very banal. well, lo and behold, that happened this morning! things like how beautiful it is that my new favorite crackers are bite-sized for a five year old and that is really quite kind. and that my hallucinations show a pattern: ones and threes. last night i saw a stack of three cardboard boxes. and, another, ain't it cool that that pile of poop near my garden that sis thought was from a bear, was actually from a deer? i know from having tended goats that sometimes their poops get clumpy, like when they're eating too many apples -which they would be this time of year. bear scat would have seeds in it, so this ain't bear scat. how nifty that i know these things! and how cool it is that i don't necessarily have a bear scrounging around.

brilliant posts my notes do not make. i wasn't stoned or drunk last night whilist taking those notes, maybe just high on bac. though less so, since i got enough down during the day. i didn't sweat much, either. and, for the public record, i'm thinking of trying 160 (after having been at 180 for over a month). the se of uncontrollable tired is kicking my sweaty ass!

went to the doc yesterday and he was truly, visibly happy that i'm sober now, and suggested that i don't want to be on bac for the rest of my life. errr... i'll leave that question for later. he did find in a quick search that i never did, obviously, that a principal bac se is sweating. (btw, he didn't flinch when i told him the dose that i'm on. a VERY cool guy. and of course i told him about mwo.)

i went to the coop and bought olive SEED extract. is that what you mean? they hadn't heard of olive leaf extract. hope i did right, think i did. seeds are usually where the essential helpers are found. thanks for reminding me, i'll go drop some down the gullet. along w the expensive vit c i also got.

yeah, big pharma could make a KILLINg if they took your idea and ran with it. maybe you should tell them, with an intellectual copyright lawyer by your side, armed to protect your idea.

so, i am getting better much more quickly than expected; my lungs are not flaring in protest to the few cigarettes i've allowed myself. (my theory is that if i keep a few going into my lungs, my lungs won't work so hard to get the shit out that i've been giving them for infinite months. theory or excuse? you decide.) i think the grapefruit seed extract has helped tremendously. it always has. and now i have more ammo in my arsenal, thanks to you, red, and to isolde, for the vit c reminder. but my son's fever came back last night, such that he couldn't go to school this morning. he's fine now, though, and we have a day ahead of ourselves to bang around the house. think we'll head to the library, for more than one reason...

his dad had sent me an email in which he un-clearly stated that he COULD NOT stay home today w g. when i called a few minutes before i had to leave the house, having showered and even packed a lunch for myself, he said, 'didn't you read my email? i can't stay home today! can't you do ANYTHING right?!' that man is a total fuck up, yet he is so ready to point the finger. guess that's usually how it goes. (have i mentioned that he made $5,500 last year?! and he wants alimony from me. not because he couldn't make more money, but because he's a parasite. and lives the life of a trust-funder, but has no trust fund. he has me, though, i who went through a LOT of education to get where i am. he is the classic Despicable. why the fuck did i marry that c*nt?!) (won't get kicked off the boards for that, cause i was prudent and used an asterisk.)

well all-rightee-o. guess this'll do for now. thanks, all, for reading. feel free to post any time. i'll be happy to correct your grammar if you like. JUST KIDDING! i honor people who aren't in the clutches of their fathers who quizzed them on state capitals at the dinner table and corrected any misstep in speech, but never ONCe went to a gymnastics or track meet. (clearly he didn't give a shit about my typing class, either!)

my son just told me, apropos of nothing, 'don't be like a crybaby'. so i'll leave you with that! (his voice is so cute when his glands are swollen.) let a smile be your umbrella!

yours in crime and imperfection,
ruby rudy ru

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

enough of the pollyanna crap, rudy. i can't sleep. instead i'm tossing and turning in a quagmire of crap. it really could be much worse (oh, there i go again...), but here's a short list.

i'm still drinking. not a lot, but too often. sometimes against my will. that 'indifference' we all crave has become a fable in my world. fuck. the somnolence is really a bother, and i was gonna go down to 160 because of it. but i can't. fuck again. i'll try l-glutamine, as reminded to me by a lovely soul whom (that looks an awful lot like womb) we all miss. and i'll eat more. there. we'll see what else i come up with and i'll be sure to report back.

speaking of fuck, i need a man! someone whose hands work on more than cars. (yes, i DID give that one up a while ago.) same slain friend said i need to be proactive on that front. MORE proactive. i tend to be somewhat scared when i see a fine fellow. i realize that most of them are scared, too. so i'm proud of myself for what i did the other day at the grocery store. a very, very attractive guy was taking forever at the potatoes. i hovered nearby as i needed some. i didn't really want him to hurry up, i wanted him to ask me for help. but he didn't. so, upon my third loop back to the tubers, i said, 'it's a big decision, i know.' he said, 'i can't remember which kind she said to get. she wants to make fries'. i did not read, 'go away'. instead, in typical rudy fashion, i helped. i suggested he get some of each so he'd be sure not to fail in his important mission. not hard at all. made it easier for next time. but today, at the food coop, another fine lad was eating in his jeep. in retrospect, i realize i could've knocked on his window and offered a seat at the sunny picnic table where my son and i snacked. but that thought came too late. ok, i gotta think fast on my feet in future. and i will. (thanks again, murph, for the prodding.) it's over two years since i've had a good man in my life. and that is toooooo long! i deserve something NOW. so would you kind folks root for me, please!

a not fine man, my ex hub, is a total fucking angry, spiteful asshole. and he lives a few hundred feet away from me and he's in my house every single day. he leaves little messes for me to pick up, as if i need a reminder of what a selfish prick he is and one of the main reasons we broke up. it may be until spring that i have this to deal with (though i'll get on him again about his slovenly ways). but i'll be happy to skip out of court once the judge has given me a pat on my back and him a slap on his skinny ass. it'll be worth the wait, i suppose, as i'll end up giving him close to zero dollars for his stupid, arrogant investment in that culvert-pipe of a buliding for which i have no use.

there, i feel better now. think i'll be able to sleep? more likely than before. wish me luck, also, getting to work on time.

thanks for caring.
rudy

[redhead77]

just got my own bac!

Ru, what kind of coop do you go to? Is it a health food coop (not even sure what a coop is exactly, please splain'?). If so, they should know what olive LEAF extract is.

Olive leaf - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Not sure what to say about the scat. It's good you know so much about it, maybe? and :H. What I do know are bottom feeding husbands. Did we marry the same man? More on that later. Maybe much later, I try not to waste too much of my energy thinking about it.

Have a great day Miss Rudy.

[Bruunhilde]

just got my own bac!

Hey Ruby, deer scat in Northern Cal is like little rabbit pellets. I had deer in my yard daily (thus the roses and anything else I planted disappeared before I learned that deer think thorny roses are like See's Candies). I never saw it piled up, which was a blessing, because in the Bruun house there is too much scat inside and out. Luckily in the house it's MOSTLY contained in species-appropriate containers. I need to talk to the dog re his poop placement, because he often shits on the treadmill or inconveniently in the grass instead of on the hillside where no one can smell it/see it.

Enough poop talk, read it to your son, he's at the age where poop is fascinating, no? Some of us never grow past that stage...

Ah the man thing ... I relate. Don't hang around the tubers, hang around the melons, that's where the lonely single guys like to test the products.

[RudyB]

just got my own bac!

scat, schmatt, it's all poop to me. and yes, my son LOVES potty talk. (maybe in a couple of weeks when he turns five he'll grow out of it. i suggest that to him often.)

grape LEAF huh? i went ahead and bought the seed. i'm sure it's good for something. it'll go nicely with the grapefruit seed. mixed cocktail.

well, it was a good enough day for me. except third period when THAT GIRL came in yelling and being toxic and didn't even stop when i sent her into the hall. when my back was turned, according to my assistant, she did the masturbating thing to me. guess that lost soul left something of a legacy.

the melons are close to the tubers. i'll hang there but keep one eye scanning just in case.

the art gallery next to the acupuncturist took down their installation: strings suspended from the ceiling, dangling to the floor. they were black. mine were sometimes, but they never dangled down. (hallucination reference.) anyway, i've moved on to cardboard boxes.

my idea of a night off is my son falling asleep on the way home from a brief evening out. that saves me an hour of bedtime duty so i can smoke and read and write to my heart's content. instead, tonight he rolled underfoot, crouched on his skateboard like nana's cat p'willow did (sans skateboard), before she ran off and never came back. he's (i've) got ten minutes left with the legos before the last routine of the day begins.

no ale tonight!