Next into the pool ...

[COSGringo]

Next into the pool ...

Thx Sun. I am up to 220 now. The SE's are getting worse but I am going to try and stick it out to about 300 if I can make. I may have to drop down for a while. It is helping but I am still drinking every night. Just less. I think I need to work at it harder. The Glutamine is not helping me much. I will say I don't get cravings during the day like I once did. Seems more like ritual than anything or to deal with just feeling lousy.
Careful with that SQ. Boy did that zonk me when I tried it a few times.

[suneelca]

Next into the pool ...

Cos -- I hear you! I've been on the stuff for three years now and getting off is a b!&$@. Trying to do a very low dose, but as I said, not going to fight the somnolence any more. It is what it is. Am mostly functional. Where I am is so much infinitely better than where I was six months ago that I'm just very grateful for that. If the price is a bit of somnolence, I can live with that.

As for what you're saying -- totally hear you. What's making you feel lousy? At the risk of projecting my own experience on to you -- sounds like you're moving up along the spectrum of indifference, step by step. How much are you drinking, and what are you drinking? I could toss out a couple of AA bromides at you: One day at a time. Progress not perfection. (Okay, hit me now!) That said, my advice and perspective is to maybe stop trying so hard. The trying so hard might be some o what's fueling your residual desire to drink. It sounds like things are definitely moving in the right direction. Hearty congrats on all of the progress you've made! Can you give yourself a pat on the back as well?

[spacebebe01]

Next into the pool ...

I have decided to carry on taking my serequel, I am feeling good right now and dont want anything to change that. For the first time in a long time I have energy of a day time and can function pretty well. I have less daytime tiredness than before the meds and have been keeping out of bed of a day. I think the depression was wiping me out more than meds are now. Plus the serequel does seem to help give me a good solid sleep and I wake feeling good. There must be some kind of balance between not taking too many meds but not taking so few that we feel bad. The worst self medicatin is of course alcohol in my case, and it is great not to need to have it.
Stick with it and you will get the balance right,

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Next into the pool ...

GOOOOD Morning, everyone!
I woke up with bells on this morning. Jumped out of bed and (almost) did a little jig.
Thought I'd bring it here rather than annoy my husband. He hasn't had a cup of coffee yet. Or worse, answer some emails, try to get some work done, or otherwise try to share my "The world is just dandy, and everything's going to be just fine" attitude. It annoys people. (I totally get it. But man, what to do with all this ???) And no. I'm not high. :H I am mostly just...content. It's lovely. Thought I'd visit your thread, Sun, because I think on some days you wake up with a little disco in your mood...

I'll be back later today...

Hope it's a good day!

[spacebebe01]

Next into the pool ...

Wonderful ne, Im glad your spreading your happiness around

[suneelca]

Next into the pool ...

Disco? Disco? At the risk of dating myself, I was a New Wave kid in the late '70s / '80s. Yes, I owned Saturday Night Fever and some Donna Summer ... but then feigned myself to be 'cooler than that' and went on to the likes of the B-52s, etc. Now will go listen to 'Dance This Mess Around' ...

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Next into the pool ...

Dude. Come on now. No one around here is old enough to remember disco the first time around. sheesh. But I can still get groovy with "Someone left the cake out in the rain. I don't think that I can take it. 'cause it look so long to bake it. I'll never have that recipe aaaaaagggggggggaaaaaaaaain! I recall the ...something...something..." I'm listening to it, otherwise I wouldn't remember. just ftr. (Come to think of it, that is a very funny anthem for a drunk girl like me. lololol Almost as funny as a middle aged suburban white woman who listens to what I listen to now. I won't even share!)

I'm sorry I didn't make it back here. My day went to absolute shite. There's a lot I'd like to respond to, especially to you Space...on several different threads! But it's likely to be a couple of days unless I completely blow off my stuff in the morning. (I know. You're holding your breath. :H Whatever. just tryin' to say I wasn't blowing anyone off!)

:l peeps.

[suneelca]

Next into the pool ...

Still in the pool -- one year later

I started Baclofen 367 days ago -- September 23, 2011. Still just taking the damn pills, and my life has been and remains transformed. The upshot of what I'm about to write is that I agree with the maxim -- just keep taking the damn (Baclofen) pills ('jkttdp'). The second key point is that while Baclofen has in some ways been miraculous, it's not the only part of the story.

But let's start with this: The gains have been enormous.

A year ago, I was at least four prescription medications for anxiety, depression, mood stability, plus needed those and a bit over a bottle of wine and three or four bowls of fine medical cannabis plus Advil PM to sleep. My marriage was collapsing -- by early October last year, my wife was emailing divorce lawyers. My then-two-year-old son was starting to manifest some real issues. I had been fired from my job early in the year, but my professional life was sort of a bright spot in that I had started a promising company and had consulting work -- although even was going wobbly with that. In other words, on September 23, 2011, I was a mess, and rapidly on my way to becoming an abject train wreck

A year later, my marriage is beyond even being on the mend -- I think we're on really solid ground. My son has been diagnosed with a sensory processing disorder, but I'm increasingly there for him, and my wife and I are definitely seeing him through this (more on that later). My company is showing a lot of promise, although we're nearly out of money, and the issue of money and career are my biggest sources of anxiety (more on that later as well). I've lost over 40 pounds, and get a lot of physical activity. I quit smoking about six weeks after starting Baclofen. Most important, I used to be really reactive and did a fair amount of acting out -- this no longer happens.

The single biggest reason? Of course, it's the Baclofen.

In terms of substances, I'm now down to Baclofen plus a sleeping pill, as well as Advil PM plus two glasses of wine and a bowl of pot. The most challenging part of the year has been the ongoing saga of the various substances in my life -- particularly in managing the effects of various combinations of substances and the difficulties of getting off of many of them.

To wit, the four I've been shedding, in order, are / were:

- Gabapentin -- that was the first to go, and was relatively easy
- Ativan, a benzo -- during that month, and maybe it was also the Baclofen titration, I thought everyone was a space alien
- Seroquel, an antipsychotic that I had been prescribed for sleep -- this took six months to taper off, ending in June, and think I was coping with the after-effects for another couple of months
- And now Lamictal, a mood stabilizer -- getting off this is lovely, as getting off may induce mood instability that could either be a withdrawal symptom, or a symptom that one really has a mood disorder.

So why did I get off of them? Stepping back, I had been diagnosed at different time with depression, generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder, and bipolar disorder. The galaxy of meds outlined above were prescribed to remedy those conditions -- but nothing really seemed to work to stabilize my mood and behavior until I started taking Baclofen. The tell tale -- the temper tantrums I would throw with my wife stopped two weeks after I started taking Baclofen, and haven't recurred. And trust me, it wasn't because I was on my best behavior because she had started calling divorce lawyers, and essentially had told me our marriage was over!

While I also understand that one should not treat the material on these boards as medical advice -- well, I treated it as medical advice. I do have a psychiatrist who had in fact suggested and prescribed Baclofen, but I became pretty convinced based on the stories on this board that Baclofen works best and with fewest side effects when it's taken alone.

So that's the course I've been on. A year later, of the meds I was on pre-Baclofen, am down to 75 mg of Lamictal (was on 300), and feel pretty good, in terms of okay sleep and not feeling foggy during the day. More on various emotional ups and downs later.

In terms of drinking and pot smoking -- this is how it went over the year. Drinking started tapering off a bit immediately, although didn't have AF nights until January. Started tapering down on pot use in November 2011, and became a weekend pot smoker only that month. By February 2011, was doing three to four AF nights a week and smoking pot three nights a week. In June of this year, nightly drinking and pot smoking resumed, although at a much lower level than pre-Bac -- the story I tell myself is that my anxiety and depression seemed to return after finally getting off the Seroquel, which has continued through the ups and downs of getting off of Lamictal. But I do worry about it creeping up again ...

I have struggled off and on these past four / five months with anxiety and depression. God, why can't I just feel happy and perfect all of the time! One thing that had been cool for the first eight or so months that I was on Baclofen was that I gave up self-help books. Baclofen changed my life for the better so much and so quickly that both I and a therapist that I was seeing rapidly came to the conclusion that all of my issues are / were biochemical. To wit, all of a sudden, my crappy childhood didn't seem to loom as large over my life as it previously might have.

The last four or five months put the lie to that, or who knows, maybe it has been the effect of getting off Seroquel and now Lamictal. I found myself struggling with a lot of stuff -- feeling like I didn't have what it takes to lead my company and get investors to put money into it, beating myself up for being in my late 40s and draining assets to invest in the company, being a burden on my wife who has to support the family, etc.

I looked around in vain, although not too hard, for a psychiatrist who could both manage meds and do talk therapy. I turned back to self-help. I started seeing a hypnotherapist.

Finally, a week or so ago I happened back on a school of psychology called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy that I also was working with the other therapist I mentioned earlier in this post. The long and short of it is that a lot of our pain in life is a product of trying to make our pain go away. Drinking is like this -- we feel pain, we drink to make it go away, which works for a night, and then we wake up the next day, and because of drinking, may have reason to feel more pain, so we drink. Without going too ooey-gooey new age-y on everyone, ACT holds that instead of trying to eliminate our pain, we lean into feeling it and de-fusing it by realizing that we are not our pain and we are not our thoughts. This is the difference between saying I am anxious and I am having anxious / fearful thoughts, and between saying I am a failure and I am having the thought that I am a failure.

Interestingly, that clicked back with me yesterday, my Baclofen anniversary, and thus am in a pretty good place today. Being present for my son is my top priority -- his situation will be fodder for the next post. I do struggle with thoughts like -- my head is much clearer today than it was a year or 18 months ago. If I were in the place I were then, when I made decisions about starting this business, would I still make the same choice today? Possibly not, but in the place where I am today, not sure that question is particularly helpful, as I am where I am, and want to make this business go and succeed and help a lot of people, which is what it's intended to do.

Almost 6 pm, and time for my final 20 mg of the day (stabilized at 120 mg -- and may titrate up again to chase indifference once I'm off the Lamictal). Am posting this in case it's helpful to anyone who's either contemplating jumping into the pool, or who's in the pool and struggling, or who just likes to reflect on one's own experience by reading about those of others. Most of all, just want to thank all of you for the encouragement and support you've offered me over this year, and for the lessons and courage I get from reading every word you post here.

[Cassander]

Next into the pool ...

Hi Sune

Glad to hear you are doing so well

Cass

[suneelca]

Next into the pool ...

Hi, Cassander - how are you and your son doing?

[StuckinLA]

Next into the pool ...

Hey Sun, :welcome:back

Thanks for the update. It's great to hear from people who've been on bac for a while and out in the world.

So things are good? Not so good? How's the anxiety? And how come you went of the Gabapentin? People around here love that stuff... especially with bac.

Anyway, just saying hi.

[suneelca]

Next into the pool ...

Thanks, StuckinLA. Things on balance are good -- anxiety can run high at times, when I choose to hook to it. It's better at other times, and at times when I can realize that I am not my anxiety (saying to myself that I'm having the feeling of being anxious, vs. saying I'm anxious).

I've been generally trying to have as few substances in my life as possible. I think it will take another two to three months to get off Lamictal. Remind me of why people are fond of Gabapentin?

[redhead77]

Next into the pool ...

I wanted to say hi too, Sune. Thanks for coming back with an update.

[StuckinLA]

Next into the pool ...

My bad. Got distracted and forgot to come back to respond to your question. Um, I'm not exactly sure... I guess it does wonders for generalized anxiety. I know it's a GABA antagonist (the name... Slapping forehead), but I guess there are almost no side effects.

I tried a couple that a shrink gave me, when I was dealing with sleep panic stuff, but never bothered getting a script. Anyways, if you're doing well except for some anxiety it seems like it would be just the thing. You're the one with experience though, of course. So I'm not sure why I presuming to suggest it...

[windycitylady]

Next into the pool ...

I only have a third of a cigarette to post (yes, cigarettes are a unit of time to me), but had to chime in really quickly.
Gabapentin has helped enormously with my depression and anxiety, with zero side effects. My father suffers from terrible depression and experienced no relief with ADs for many years. He now takes a very high dose of gabapentin along with wellbutrin. He was the one who first bought me gabapentin online, to "to give me a taste", in his words.
The only downside to gabapentin that I've experienced is its relatively short half life. So I aim to take 400 mg every 4 to 5 hours, for a total of 1200 to 1600 mg/day. I can feel it when I miss a dose; the world seems to suddenly get shittier.
Also, amazing post, Sun, and congrats on your continued success! The therapy you talk about sounds simillar to CBT or RET, both of which I embrace heartily and which also form the basis of SMART Recovery's philosophy.
Best of luck to you, and thanks for the update!!