Me, myself and getting sober

[StuckinLA]

Me, myself and getting sober

Windy, since Space gave us permission to hijack away (just be sure to tell us when to stop, Space ), there was a bunch in your post that got me.

I was out of the hospital and sober just a couple days when a good friend back in Chicago died in an accident. He was sober some 18 years, hung out with us at the bars, and was pretty much the sober person I hoped to be (at that point, anyway... I was [and am] far from wanting to be sober). But if felt like if I drank it would make the loss about me--like "see how much this affected me, I went back to drinking." Or even if I didn't drink, it would be like "look at me, how strong I am." There wasn't a single thing I could do that wouldn't make his death about me, and I hated that so much because it wasn't about me at all--it was about his wife and children, not to mention about my friend who had a horrible final few minutes and is now gone. So I just said f--k it and cried over it for a while and stayed sober.

The other thing, and NEs the one to usually point this out, is that OA was on LDB for a year before doing the HDB that finally found the switch. NEs also right when she says that we all tend to forget that. Not saying anything one way or another, just pointing it out.

So stick with your contrary action at the gym :H and go get blazed afterwards. Double :H

~S

[windycitylady]

Me, myself and getting sober

Not much time, just wanted to say that I left the "reply to post" page open on my phone over an hour as I was writing my last post in bits and pieces, so I didn't see Bruun's and Stuck's posts. Sorry guys! Wasn't ignoring you!
Gym was good! Be back later!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Me, myself and getting sober

windycitylady;1354216 wrote: (I also play a "fun" game called Would I Drink If: Would I drink if my dad died? Would I drink if I lost a leg? Would I drink if a meteor was going to hit earth? Etc, etc.).

:H:H:H

I hope you think that's funny. I do! But only because I can relate. omg, I can relate.

That's my "stinking thinking". (ugh. ffs that still gives me chills. I can hardly believe I wrote it.) My clue that all is not right with the brain chemistry...The whole What If game and the worst-case-scenario guide. It's my own version of that book that tells you how to escape from a cave after a landslide, and how to defend yourself in a shark attack. You know the one? The "what if your parachute doesn't open?" handbook??? (I have some really good solutions to those quandaries, of course. Spelunking is knuckleheaded. And if a shark attacks, you better friggin' pray it's not hungry. And if you jump out of a plane--which I've done and highly recommend--it's a very good idea to be okay with it being your last 3 seconds on earth.)
As a complete aside, I am a bit obsessed with sharks, because they are one of my irrational fears. I collect "fun facts" about them and know more than anybody has a right to, or an interest in! But here's one: There's a guy in Argentina (at a beach where you might actually be bitten by a shark because it's very close to the estuary where they breed) who used the old "punch the shark in the face" approach to defend himself. The shark bit off his arm. And THEN when he punched it with the other hand, it bit off THAT arm. Reason enough I'd think to not punch a shark. just sayin' (His very pregnant wife dragged his ass out of the water and saved his life.) (This is all fact according to the Discovery Channel.) (I do not swim in deep water. But did you know that the majority of shark attacks happen in 3 feet or less? That's ~one meter for you guys that use actual measurements!)

And yes, I know you didn't ask. Just thought I'd share. And I could go on, and on, and on, and on. Ask me about bull sharks. Please!!!

Hope it's a good day everyone! Check in Space!!!
:l

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

wow its cool to come on here and see youve all been together, makes me smile, my daughter and bf stayed last night so I didnt get a chance to come on here.

Yes Ne I do have a penchant for changing things dont I. I dont think I can take the topa again tho, now Ive got the idea in my head that its going to make me go blind then I just cant shake it, and from what Ive read it says that this se happens in the first month and can be permanent, so thats a no then, no my doc wouldnt consider it.

Its weird that we all seem to have played the If whoever dies would I drink, if Im in a wheelchair would I drink, that one causes me concern because I dont know how I will make it to the shops for the drink on my own, when Im 80 will I drink. I read a book not so long ago and one of the charachters in it was a woman who had always kept her drinking down because of her children and her work and marriage and looked forward to the day when she had no responsibilities and could just drink, so she eventually retired and moved to a flat on her own and for a while she was ok, going and getting her drink from the local shop each day but then the shop closed, meaning that she had to walk further to the next shop and then her health became bad, it was really sad because it was only then that she realised she had waited to give up everything else and just drink all her life and now she couldnt even do that anymore because she couldnt get to the shop. So eventually she managed to get two bottles and go to the park in the snow, drank them and died, alone. So after reading that Im not sure about the wait until Im 80 and then get pissed plans I had thought of :H

I have taken my AB again this morning, quick before I can think or forget about it and started back on bac yesterday, Im getting some kind of ruthless drinking ... I dont know how to describe them, its not just thoughts, or feelings, it like my whole body suddenly gets taken over by the want to drink. Right now what Im feeling is anxiety but I dont think anxiety is causing it if that makes any sense.

Anyhow, I will go and get a shower and get on with the day, early days today its only 12!!:H

:l:h

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Me, myself and getting sober

spacebebe01;1354582 wrote: and started back on bac yesterday,
Okay, look. Can we talk? Candidly?
Please for the love of all good things, go slowly. And for the love of whatever you want, PLEASE do not stop taking it all-of-a-sudden again. Please? Okay.
Now on to some actual advice: (sorry) Keep track, Space. How much you're taking. When. When you want to increase. And when you're going to take it during the day. Put it on a sticky on your 'puter or someplace where you're likely to see it and then stick. to. it.

Why am I banging on about this? Because I think it helps you. Because I know it works, even if one doesn't shoot for the moon and hit the switch. Because I know if you take too much, or too little, or stop suddenly, it'll mess you (someone) up. And because of this:

spacebebe01;1354582 wrote: ...Im getting some kind of ruthless drinking ... I dont know how to describe them, its not just thoughts, or feelings, it like my whole body suddenly gets taken over by the want to drink. Right now what Im feeling is anxiety but I dont think anxiety is causing it if that makes any sense.

Yes. I know that thing that we call "anxiety" when it really feels like your whole body is alien-infested and clawing for a drink. Even before you've had a bath.
Bac helps.

glad you got an early start!
:l

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Thanks Ne,I am sorted at what Im doing with the bac Ne, last time I took it I was fine at 40 - 50 mg so I will probably just go back up to there, slowly, I know and hang there again. 2x5mg yesterday and today.

I have started painting my sons bedroom today to make it nice for his birthday, I should finish it tomorrow, its a tiny room so I feel like Ive worked pretty hard.

[DizzyBee]

Me, myself and getting sober

Hi Space
Sorry the Topa didn't work out. At least you tried, all you can do is move on and as Ne said, remember to keep track of what you have tried and how much of it and how well it worked, OK?
Are you also having such hot days in Liverpool as we do here at the moment?
:l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Me, myself and getting sober

spacebebe01;1354806 wrote: Thanks Ne,I am sorted at what Im doing with the bac Ne, last time I took it I was fine at 40 - 50 mg so I will probably just go back up to there, slowly, I know and hang there again. 2x5mg yesterday and today.

Thanks for not slapping me around for being a bossy hen or something. I know I can be annoying, and sometimes I just can't help it and do it anyway.
Hope you wrap up the painting today!

Rock on, sister.

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

Its another drive by post from me, I know your only concerned about peeps who take bac erractically Ne so no Im not going to slap you

I havent even got to the painting yet am about to go and do it now, and its 7.30pm but theres not much to do so it shouldnt take long. I took my daughter and bf home then went in to see my mum and got the horrible I NEED A DRINK feeling going on. I have taken the AB so cant act on it, in my mind I was saying damn that AB I just want a lager, no I dont I want a big bottle of vodka, so Im glad I couldnt have any now.

It has been hot here Dizzy, raining now tho but we have had a few nice days, are you settled in now and feeling better? I hope so.

:lx

[StuckinLA]

Me, myself and getting sober

Yikes Space. Do hang tight for a little bit. The bac should take some of the edge off soon, yes? Hopefully painting will be a good distraction and give you some activity to get that frustration out of your system. Just don't turn your daughter's room into a Jackson Pollack splatter painting! :H

Much love and :l

[windycitylady]

Me, myself and getting sober

Space, I hope this doesn't sound condescending, but I'm so proud of you for sticking with the AB. Those jumping out your skin moments are terrible, I know. But every time that you have one and you don't drink, you get stronger. It makes me think of the SMART philosophy. An irrational belief we hold is that something awful will happen if we feel that way and don't drink. But then if we don't drink, we come out on the other side, and we can see how irrational that belief was. If we let that happen again and again, that irrational belief will be replaced by the rational belief that, Yes, I want to drink right now, but nothing bad will happen if I don't, and eventually this feeling will pass. Am I making any sense?
I think you're doing everything right. Stick with the AB. Go up on the bac. Stay social and busy. How are your AD meds treating you? Are you completely off the seroquel?
Love ya!

Where's Bruun?

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

I have had to get up at 8am today to wait for a present for my son to be delivered. The delivery times are 8am - 5pm. Im tired and want to go back to bed My first thought tho on waking was Im glad Im not hungover, so I took my AB again quickly. Yesterday I was trying to work out how soon I could drink again but that is the way I am with AB, it is giving me the space to not drink tho.

I am compleately off the serequel now thanks windy, my psychiatrist changed it to risperadol but I havent started taking it yet, after the disaster with the serequel I am pretty scared of any antipsychotics now and also think I will be better off if I can manage without them. But I hope I will know if things get out of hand and be able to take them. The reason she says she prescribes them is for bipolar/manic times, which I do have but not to any great degree and I think she is overeacting by prescribing me them. I am taking AD's citalopram (celexa) right now and know I cant come off them. I do know what you mean by the rational beliefs replacing the irrational, but to tell you the truth I dont actually feel strong or motivated enough for that, thats why the AB is such a godsend, taking it just means it doesnt matter what I think because I cant drink anyway.

I finished the painting and have put up posters in my sons room, I have to go and collect a newflat pack unit from the shop later today and put that together and then will just have to tidy up and clean and its all done. He is very excited even tho he knows what his presents are he just keeps on saying that he wants to unwrap them so I will have to go and buy a load of wrapping paper as well.

Oh god I am sooooo tired and want to go back to bed, its only 9.30 how am I going to make it through today!!!!

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

This is just a rant about something that has happened that I have just found out about. Right now I feel sick to my stomach, some of you wil remember my uncle who died not so long ago, the one who went into the hospice. Well anyway, he and my aunt didnt have any children but we were all very close to them both especially growing up and since, my children where also close to them. Now to get to the issue, he went to sea for most of his life, and used to bring things back with him, they have always taken great care with there house and live in a 3 bed house. The back bedroom was full of his clothes and stuff and the small bedroom also being full of his things. There is no way of actually knowing what was in there but it was a lifetime of everything he had. While he was alive he took care of my aunt and looked after everything so even she doesnt know. Since his death a cousin of mine has been going around there a lot and also has just been given power of attourney over there money. My daughter and her bf went there this morning as she does her cleaning for her only to find my aunt very upset and the 2 bedrooms compleately empty of all my uncles things and I mean everything gone. Also there is a metal box which they kept money in which has gone missing and after the house has been searched no one seems to be able to find this box, but when my aunt showed my cousin the keys to it she took them off her and said she was taking them home.

I do not know what to do, I feel bed because I wasnt there and feel as tho I let this happen, my son said we should call the police but that would be even more upsetting for my aunt, I could go and smash her face in but that would just cause more upset and I would get arrested.

I really dont know how to handle this situation without making it worse for my aunt.

[StuckinLA]

Me, myself and getting sober

Oy, Space. Any chance someone can go over there just for the box of money? Seems like that's the one thing the cousin could cause real damage with right away... by spending it. The rest can wait and maybe even sort itself out (?).

I don't know at all. That sucks.

[spacebebe01]

Me, myself and getting sober

My daughter and her bf have been there and searched for it Stuck, its not there. Im just going to have to start going down more often to make sure my aunt is ok, but all the stuff she has already taken is gone now, the silver and brass and carvings he used to bring home when he was at sea have probably already been auchioned off. Even all his kitchen stuff, he was chief steward and all his knives and that kind of thing she has taken. Also there was a drawer full of old photos and things and she just threw them in the bin my aunt said. I always thought relatives waited for both people to die before they went and ransacked the house to steal anything worth something, this is fucking out of order and I am going to have to see her to tell her.