Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[windycitylady]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Stuck, I have been reading, and I do have an opinion. And 45 seconds before my train pulls into the station (that's not a metaphor). I'll be back later tonight, just wanted to let you know that I'm listening.
Hugs.

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Stuck!

how are you feeling today? You are doing something about this!! I wimped out on bac at 320 because i could not handle it anymore....you are going for the gusto!! you will soon be able to guide the newlings thru the crazy world of bac!!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey everyone.

Thanks for the smackdown, NE. I know you're not going to have much, if NE, time* to keep up and post soon, so I'm glad you're throwing it out there now. I sure will miss your voice, though. Point is, I will never manage my drinking, and it would probably take another hospital stay for me to recommit to abstinence. That's why I'm pushing for indifference--to see what that's about, and then take stock from that perspective. Maybe I will want to come down and try moderating, maybe come down even more and booze it up. Or fumblefuck around somewhere between those two extremes, who knows.

Regardless, I feel like a whiney twat on this thread lately, and tonight's not going to help with that feeling. Today's my first day at 200, and it's fine. Weird, 'cause I was ready for a meltdown at 210 a few weeks ago and that's when I dropped back down to 175. Either way, I'm feeling pretty good and happy about that. Like I said a few posts ago, I've simply decided that I no longer believe in SEs and therefore will not have them anymore. The afternoon sleepiness, yes. Some of the brain fog, I'm sure, but I just got some sups for that and I'm hopeful they'll help. But no more sleep/panic/dying shit, because I've been reading around some muscle spasticity forums and nobody's complaining of that. And the HDB for alcoholism trials aren't reporting any of that. So it's not the pills--or it is the pills, but only because I'm anxious about the pills. Anyway, that's my decision and I'm sticking with it--will of course let you know how that works out.

Tonight is the part that kills me to report, because so many of my friends here are hanging on as tight as they can, and I feel like what I'm doing is basically spitting in everyone's face.

I went to the bar after class for the shot and beer special. Hung out with the bartender for a bit, which is always lovely, and ordered a second shot and beer. Had every intention of having several of these--need to have 3 to reach the minimum for a credit card. Well, 1/2 way through my second beer I asked for a glass of water. Kept looking at that beer and not really wanting it. Kept going back to it, but really I was just ready to leave the bar. Fortunately, like a ninja I managed to pay back one of the guys who bought me a round a few nights ago, and so my tab was over the minimum.

Left the bar feeling really kinda depressed--because I'd wanted to tie one on but just--couldn't. This doesn't yet feel like freedom. Like how NE describes it, how she has two glasses of wine and sees the fact that she doesn't want more as a miracle, like it's fun to finally feel free. Not there yet at all, and in fact it feels more like a trap right now. Like I really want that next round, but I just don't want it. Again, given where everyone's at I feel like a total d-bag for this. But I left the bar and got a couple pizza slices and rented a movie.

On the phone with a friend later on at home, I poured some bourbon leftover from the other night. My second killed the bottle, and there's suddenly no alcohol in the house. Oh dear! Back down the hill. I check out the bar but it's crowded, so I head to the late-hours liquor store waffling in my head between bourbon and beer, or some combination of the two.

When I get there the wine catches my eye for some reason. Now, I don't drink a whole lotta wine, so I'm not sure why I'm looking at the whites. Maybe it was remembering that morning down in Long Beach, when I woke desperately hungover and the only booze in the house was my roommate's extensive wine collection. I dug through the closet and found a cheapish bottle he wasn't likely to miss, opened it, and went back to bed. Drank the whole thing straight from the bottle, and was then feeling good enough to head to the liquor store for hard stuff.

Maybe that was it, maybe not, but I ended up buying two bottles of wine. Walking up the hill I was thinking I'd either pour a glass, and play classy like I used to sometimes, or I'd just go straight from the bottle to relive that glory day in Long Beach. This would be around midnight, almost an hour ago, and I'm back home in front of the computer again. But the wine's still unopened. And again this still feels like a little bit of a trap, or at least a cruel trick. Probably going to open one of those bottles soon and throw on the movie, it being 1 AM and that being a great time to start a movie...

And I'm going to hang at 200 for a couple days and then go up. My script from the good doctor came in, and I had a remarkably pleasant experience at Walgreens filling it. Expected all the problems ever, so when they paged me back to the desk almost immediately I expected the worst. And then they said "we need to call in to your Dr..." Oh shit, I thought. But they continued, "because this is for 25 mg tablets and we only have 10 or 20, so we need to work out what he wants to do." Holy shit you've got to be kidding me, I heart you Walgreens people. Spoke to Dr. L shortly thereafter, and he's "excited" to hear from them in the morning... Will probably also try to meet with him in person when I'm in Chicago next month.

So that's it. Nothing exciting to report, and I've just made a really, really long post about nothing. Marching upwards and kinda happy about that. Going to outsmart myself, because I won't do it on my own otherwise.

And I catch comments here and there, and it seems like my thread maybe isn't just me shouting into the void. So here I am (which is kinda yet another one of my pansy-assed waffling thoughts, right? I'm done posting every night! Except now I'm back. Until the next time I'm done! :H). I do hope to be entertaining again sometime soon, though.

Taw, Space, Windy, Bruun, everyone, ya'll are doing amazing things right now. Stay the course.

Hearts and :ls

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Morning!

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Sounds to me like your doing good Stuck, it may not feel good now tho Ive had the wanting to drink/not wanting to drink thing in the past and it is wierd but just go with it.

How long does it take you to climb the hill?

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I've never actually timed it, Space, but it's probably only in the 4-5 minute range, but it's Stairmaster-steep. And the last 1/3 is literally stairs. There are these historic staircases through some of the hills in my neighborhood, left over from when LA really was a walkable city. I live right on one of the prettier of these. It's not just concrete steps, it's really wide, with these awesome ledges on the sides, and these old iron lamps on either side. Usually at night kids are sitting out there, right under my living room window, drinking and smoking pot and playing cribbage. Then in the morning there's usually an unemployed guy or two drinking from a tallboy beer can in a plastic bag.

Some nights it's been me sitting out there on one of those ledges, in my pajamas, looking out over the LA skyline, so drunk I'm actually aware enough to wonder how I'm not falling off this ledge and down all these steps.

In case anyone's yearning for details, I did not put the movie in. I also did not open either bottle of wine. I did get pretty tired and went to the futon, where I slept for about an hour and just woke up now at 3 AM, and I'm fairly certain the whole thing was pretty panic-free.

After this post I might look at a little bit of news but then going back to (my actual) bed. (And the news thing, at this point it's more for the comedic relief. I know politics is a VERY sensitive subject, but I'll just say there's some stuff going on right now having to do with U.S.-British relations, and I can't get enough of it. :H)

And finally, I keep putting *s in posts for footnotes, then forgetting to write the footnote at the end. This one's for NE: I love the possibilities of your name. Never Ever, Not Even, I'm sure there's more... but the one I also really like is that it makes a homonym of "any." So when I say you won't have any "NE time," It's like saying you won't have "any time." But it's also saying you won't have any time for yourself...

I think at this point it's appropriate to say good morning to just about everyone, though it might be afternoon already for you, Space. Hope it's a great one all around.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

When I visit other places related to baclofen and/or addiction where I have to register a username I use Ne1. That makes me smile.

And yes, for sooooo loooong, I hated my username. HATED it.
I was superdrunk when I picked it, and still full of a sense of shame for just about everything. It was my third (or fourth?) username because I was so self-conscious! And paranoid too. (that's a whole 'nother story! oy.)
(research. researcher. Then something else? Then Neva Eva. Then i changed it, or tried to change it to Ne because that's what everyone called me. But I did it wrong and so I became Ne with the / and that's just annoying to type!)

Now I mostly dig it because I have compassion for who I was and how I felt back then. And I agree the possibilities are endless.
(hiney being my fav. And nunca is fun, too. Wonder how Texasag's doing? Gotta go though!)

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Stuck! how ya doing this morning....hopefully still sleeping as it is 7:42 a.m. here and you are a couple hours behind....

When you said you wanted to want more to drink, I think is similiar to how me, Windy, Space, etc feel about not drinking...it is the natural course for us to drink...and keep drinking...odd feeling to not drink or to say no after a couple...But good for you for saying no! And not opening the wine...especially white! I am a red wine drinker myself!

I hope mind over matter works for you for the SE's!!! Or at least the supps will help! Are you coming to Chicago to see Dr. L? Or for something else?

Hope you got some good panic free sleep, Stuck!!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Thanks, Taw. I did have some good, panic-free sleep. A little waking up in the middle of the night (obviously), and I am up pretty darned early, but I can for sure live with that.

The drinking is still weird. I think it's like that feeling after a long night out, when you just can't stomach the idea of another drink, and just want to drink water and go to bed. Or, at least, this is how my normal friends have described it. I myself wouldn't know, as I've never felt that. I'm more of the "if I'm going to lie down for the night and not be able to get back up, there'd better be a bottle within reach" kind of guy.

So right now I get that feeling after about 2, or I guess actually 3-4, since I always think of a shot + beer as 1 but really it's 2, right? Anyway I just feel like I can't hang. But again, still pushing up with the bac so I can have time to get used to this, and hopefully reach indifference soon, and do probably a 30 AF stint to really get some perspective on the whole thing. Believe me, I know how much this is simply me whining--I'm really privileged to have these "problems." Like I only had a few drinks last night and it wasn't any exertion of willpower or mental struggle...

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

When are you going to Chicargo Stuck?

You are sounding good today, the sleep is good for you

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I have been trying to scim thru your whole thread so as not to suggest something that someone already has, but have you tried Advil PM to help you sleep? I used it a few times on HDB when the insomnia was awful and it helped alot. And I did not wake up feeling drugged. I did not get a full 7 or 8 hours but by that poing of not having slept for a few days a solid 6 hours felt wonderful...

Maybe give that a shot? Take it about an hour before you want to sleep...also and I know you will probably think this is a chicky thing, but there is a tea called "Sleepy time tea" which really works too....same thing, drink it about an hour before you want to fall asleep!!

Sleep really does make everything better!!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Yep, the tea with the picture of the bear wearing PJs and a night cap. Hadn't thought of the Advil PM... I've got Benadryl, and a couple Gabapentin, and some OTC sleeping pills. I'm a little averse to those last, though, as in my last bender I was chowing down on those by the handful. Bad association, in other words.

But it's like the gods gave me an Easy button these last couple of days. And the pharmacy was a breeze. They did say they only had enough for 10 days and so had to order more. I wanted to say just keep 'em coming, 'cause you have no idea, but instead I just smiled. Then on my way home I happened to pass the bartender as she's parking her car, wearing street clothes, which consist of a tight-as-hell Hello Kitty shirt god bless her heart. And we made conversation about what the heck I'm doing here instead of in class. And I say Friday is the one day I don't have to go. I didn't know that, she says. She's remembering my schedule! Where are you coming from, she asks. The bookstore/cafe. But you don't like that place. (My heart is melting a little at this point, and not because we're standing under the heinous California sun.) So we discuss the lack of coffee options in the neighborhood for a moment, before she smiles and says see you later, and squeezes my arm as she walks away.

Man 'o man, what an afternoon. I'm suspiciously waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And it might be this prescription. So, details: originally Dr. L had given me 350 25 mg pills in the script. That is now 270 20 mg pills. Already I'm a little confused by the discrepancy. Now, the directions are 1 x 3 daily. So this is a prescription for only 60 mg/day?

Manufacturer is Zenith, and these are quite a bit bigger than the 25 mg Aliud that I have right now. Any thoughts? I'm thinking about just replacing 1 of my pills maybe tonight with 1 of the new ones to see what happens. Either way, got an interesting transition ahead of me, particularly considering the weirdness with the prescription amounts... Another call to the good doctor is definitely in order soon. Don't know why I'm still nervous about calling him, he's been great so far. Or, well, at least not a hassle in any way.

Other major bonus: I have a legit prescription and pill bottle for my flight, and that makes me very happy. Because TSA really bothers me--even when I'm not trying to bring a parachute for my carry-on :H (Sorry folks, you'll have to remember deep in my thread to get that joke... but hey, I like to give little shout outs to those who stick with me )

Guess that's it. And wow, a long post in the middle of the day... something's really going on in my brain here :H

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Are they intending to just give you 270 20mg pills as the whole script or until they get more. I would take the amount of mg you where going to take, so if your on 200mg a day then it would have been 8 25mg pills but now you will need 10 20mg pills. Your original script for 350 25mg pills whould have given you 8750mg baclofen, as close as you can get to this using 20mg pills would be 438 pills leaving an extra 10mg over the original script amount. You should get on to the doctor and tell him whats happened and get the script sorted, its what your paying for. Sorry, I get all excited when I see numbers, Im a bit sad that way

I am smiling at your meeting the bartender today, why didnt you ask her did she want to go for a coffee somewhere, she did give you the opportunity by the sound of it.

Hope the rest of today is good for you, Im off to bed now.

ps, Im trying to remember the parachute carry on, Ive been here right though the thread and Ive got a vague memory of it, damn now youve got me wondering and I cant really be arsed going right back though to find it but it looks like Im going to have to.

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

That is odd, I thought he only perscribed 10 or 20 mg pills since you are supposed to go up by 10 mg.....not 12.5....I think a call to Dr. L is in order...He seems to me to be a bit flighty from the few times I have talked to him...

Do you have enough of your old scrip left before taking the new one until you get a chance to talk to him?

So the bartender chick and the the old man? Sorry makes me feel better since my ex is 18 years older than me!! Like Space said, ask her out for coffee...if she has been with him that long and not married and there is that much of an age difference seems like something is askew...maybe it is just me.

Hope you get some good panic free sleep tonight! Try the tea, it really works!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

OK, so Dr L originally decided to go with 25 mg tabs since that's what I'm currently taking. I don't care either way, it's just that is the most economical from goldpharma.

Now, went back to the pharmacy and I see the problem. The script says 1 x 3 daily. So it's a script for only 60 mg/day. The # of pills is right, but the timeframe is off. And my insurance will only cover a 90 day supply. The pharmacy still has the whole order in the computer, but only filled the "90" days. But this is really only like a 3 week supply.

Question to Dr L patients: does he usually prescribe the actual, like 200 mg/day dose? Or does he just give you X # of pills?

Now for backstory: I think of a plane crash as a metaphor for life, so made a joke about taking a parachute as a carry on. It was funnier then I think. And I know you've been with me Space. I shouldn't think people remember ever word I write.

The bartender has been with this guy for 13 years. I have NO idea. I just. Just don't know. More on this when I'm not on my phone and actually looking at her. Sorry folks, but she's much easier on the eyes than MWO :H