Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Nice job, LA.
No longer stuck, are you?

Love,
Me
And Ed!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Ok. Now that the congratulatory thing is out of the way...

Reg, ah come on. The guy doesn't even compare to a Ne!? oh wait. Now that he's on the other side, I'm adding him (in pen) to the list of my gurus. (Be prepared, La. :H) I might actually pick up a thing or two. (Where tf does the punctuation go again?)???

The thing about the booze, for me, is that it was the glue that bound me to all the things and places I was mired in. It wasn't Elmer's or even quicksand. It was more like that Gorilla Glue. Does anyone remember that commercial with the guy hanging from a piece of rebar?
I probably have it wrong, because I can't find the image. My point is that when I was a drunk everything that stuck (and that was about everything) was discombobulating. When I (suddenly) wasn't a drunk anymore, everything became unstuck...Even unglued in some ways. The world was wiiiiiide open. Still is. There is a fine line between unstuck and unglued. Right? And it's a-okay to be a little bit discombobulated...

When I was searching for the pic of the guy hanging by his helmet from a piece of rebar, I found this:



If that ain't the entire story of a drunk Ne, I don't know what is.

[windycitylady]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Ne, it's Superglue that had the guy hanging in ads!

How you feeling, Stuck?

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I absolutely remember that guy hanging by his helmet, I think it was from an I-beam, like you think of when you see all those New Deal Public Works videos from the 40's, like at the Golden Gate bridge where there's lines of unemployed people waiting for some dude to fall and so a job to open up. They'd probably be pretty pissed at that guy hanging there and so not falling. I always thought the glue was great, have some probably stuck as sh-t to something in a drawer somewhere, but what I wondered about was how he wasn't falling out of his helmet... WTF was that about?

You guys are amazing. Seriously, ifulovelife2 looked like a string of random-assed letters to me for a little while, and when I finally started trying to parse it out for some reason something like "full" and "love" are what jumped out at me. And that really sums it up: full of love, mate, that :thanks: bit made me choke up a little.

If I let it this'll turn into a line of thank yous, and for whatever reason I feel like that would cheapen the whole thing somehow. So instead, just thank you all, for jumping in when you're exhausted, or when your fingers are numb and tingly, and especially for reminding me to make my way over to other threads where there's a whole bunch going on. Which I will do very soon.

But really quick, congrats on the nice and slow extended happy hour Tex. That really hits home for me, too, because I also went out last night for a friend's birthday. It was Friday, it was the end of the first week of classes, and I'm calling myself indifferent, right? So why the heck not.

It was a really weird kind of day. Stayed in my office to work on some stuff that I need to do in the soon-ish future, then when I got to a stopping point I went out. I gave myself permission to do whatever I felt like, and to stick out the whole evening because when it's your birthday there should be people around.

But what I felt like was so ridiculously moderate it was unbelievable. 3 beers hanging out at a brewpub, and when they wanted to go to this iconic Hollywood hole-in-the-wall, where everybody ordered whiskey so hey, why not. I had one, and walked back to the birthday boy's apartment when he invited me and this 1 other hardcore drunk over. Took maybe a few sips of another beer, and left. I got a nice buzz and stopped. I could just... stop.

OK, OK, that's what playing with fire looks like, I think. But you asked if all the SEs were worth it, and from where I am now it's kind of like what was worth it? This was too easy. I've slept so well these past few nights--that itself was like a switch. Not for very long, but there hasn't been any real panic either. And the afternoon foggy/sleepy needs some work, but that's what tinkering is for, right? Oh, and I haven't mentioned this except for a few random places, but whatever skin sensitivity thing is going on with my legs, that's actually debilitating, still. So up a little or hanging around right where I'm at for a little, especially if I keep being dumb and celebrating indifference with booze--which BTW is not the plan. But really looking forward to coming down eventually. 'Cause from what I've gathered you can't really break it, but you can definitely break it pretty easily, right?

It's a whole different world over here. And I can't wrap my head around how it's not so much about numbers as it is about time. Maybe perspective? That's a scary thought, mostly because it's hard to explain.

Anyway, that's my great big :thanks: and morning-after update, just in case y'all were thinking I'd shut up after the nice, natural narrative closure of switch + congrats...

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Im so tired, I did just type to you but then lost it, so I will have to get back to you tomorrow. xx

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

The wedding sounds amazing, Space. And so glad the poem went over so well! I bet your reading of it had a lot to do with that.

So here's a quick update for all my friends, of course, but especially for anyone who's just reading and sitting on the fence and wondering if all this sh-t really works.

Because let's face facts, you were thinking something like: Here's Stuck, saying he's hit the switch and is totally indifferent, and yet he went out last night and tied on a pretty decent buzz, and he enjoyed it. Now he's thinking about grabbing beers and going to a tailgate, and with it being Labor Day weekend on top of it. Anyone with an IQ numerically larger than their shoe size could smell a 3 day bender, at the very least, in the works.

Well so let me tell you what ended up happening. I fumblef-cked around all morning in my apartment, doing dishes and random crap. Then realized I needed to get a move on if I was going to get a seat in the first come/first serve student section for the game. The one thing I absolutely could not do without was coffee, since I ran out before making what I normally have each morning. So I ran for coffee, then smokes and sunscreen, then caught the bus.

And because I don't yet know how quickly the student section fills up, I decided there was no time for tailgating. And with that decision, I simply did not get beer. Then I had an awesome time at the game, where we dealt the other team so much pain, humiliation, and emotional suffering that I do not envy them their flight home, with only the in-flight movie to distract them from the memories of today's horrible failure. And actually, the friend I was meeting snuck a flask into the stadium, and he offered to share. But the whole point of why I was looking forward to drinking was to hang out on campus with all the undergrads while they were drinking. So I didn't see any point to it in the stadium, where I would've had to pay a fortune for a soda to even drink booze at all, and it sounded disgusting. Then for the rest of the game I could smell it on him, and it smelled disgusting.

And I'm now comfortably sequestered in my office on campus, blasting Florence + the Machine on the radio, and working, with my only regret being that I forgot my leftover 1/2 sandwich in the fridge at home. So I do not have a delicious sandwich.

That's probably it from me tonight, peeps. Sleep tight out there, y'all.

:l:l:l

[playland]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Dear Stuck,
I haven't read your thread before, have just seen you on Spaces', but I get the pix, and so "WOW" well done, I read back some pages and do see what you have been thru, I don't think I have it in me to go thru the SEs that you have been thru with Bac, even for the Benefit, I just don't think I could handle them, and so that says so much more for your courage and brave heart, I do so admire you and am so proud of you, All the Love and Hugs in the World, you certainly deserve them, I think your are a very exceptional person. I think you have reserves of strength that you have not even tapped as of yet, I send you my whole-hearted applause and prayers and I aspire to be like you at least in spirit.

Hugs,
Play

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Moning Stuck!

Just have a min, but wanted to say good job on the AF football, and low AL Fri night!! Feels good, doesn't it??? Imagine the possibilities!!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

No, know what? F this. It's waaaay to quiet 'round these parts, which is fine I guess, if everyone's busy, or too goofily happy to post. But I still get wary of the silence (and the dark, don't tell anyone! :H) I'm busy too, but it's 4 AM here, and there's not much else to do but eat these caramel rice cakes by the handful, and this yellow bell pepper, so I'm going to go ahead and write some sh-t. Like about how goddamned good these rice cakes are, and how I can't stop stuffing them into my mouth and then chewing.

Or about how last Sunday morning was so amazing that I sat out on my steps, taking pictures of the LA skyline under the overcast sky, and started sending those pictures via text messages to a friend. Just to say hi, what's up, and check out what the F I'm doing right now. If that isn't happy like I haven't been in years, I don't know what is.

On then to today, which was dull and kind of rotten. Nothing big, but things slowed down with it being Sunday, and tomorrow still being off and at home. I have no quarters for the laundry machines, but I did do all the dishes finally. And I tried to read but kept falling asleep every 5 or so pages.

Kept falling asleep every 5 or so pages. This is unacceptable. I have work to do, I'm finally motivated to do it, and yet I cannot physically do it. And the legs thing that is persistent. And I'm wandering around my apartment, bored as hell, thinking about AL because I'm bored and not doing anything else. Yet still too unmotivated to take a beer from the fridge, much less go to the bar. Even when a friend called from a different bar right down the hill. I thought, hey, why not go down for a beer or 2? I'm not doing anything else. But I just didn't feel like it, told him I had a lot of reading to do, then fell asleep again trying to read.

So, yeah, sleeping is getting a lot better. Not panicky when I lie down. Sure, only... what was it, 2 hours this last time since getting in bed and waking up just now? OK, whatever. But I've got to start coming down. But part of me feels like it's too soon for that. And part of me thinks, you moron, you hit the switch and this is what you're supposed to do now. I think it's more of a narrative thing than anything. By that I mean I've been telling myself this story about an elusive switch for so long, and keeping that in mind as a goal, that once it hit I have no idea what to do. Hint: there's a reason fairy tales end with happily ever after, and romantic comedies end with the wedding. You simply can't narrate past that, because there needs to be conflict for narrative.

And there isn't really a conflict now, or at least not the same one. Now it's Me vs. Normal somnolence SE. And that's so unexciting it just put me back to sleep. Guess that means I lost again!

But the zoom is over, at least for today, and I'm really missing that even though I only had it for a day or 2. Not just the happy, but the calm confidence that everything was going to be all right. The lack of worry. I mean, a big draw for all of this was getting over anxiety. Not just anxiety attacks, but generalized anxiety.

(Though, long digression, the anxiety attacks for sure are the biggest, because I simply cannot tolerate that crap anymore. Nothing makes me feel weaker than calling an ambulance and going to the ER for what's really nothing, and I've done that twice now this year. So embarrassing. It's one of those things like reading a review of Christopher Hitchens' last book, essays on dying, and how he approached life and a real illness with aplomb. Supremely confident, in himself and his intellect and abilities, if nothing else, compared to how I approach those same things. Ugh. Guess that means I lost again.)

Even though as I'm talking on the phone with the woman I didn't see during my last trip, she can't help saying how good I sound, how different. All I'm doing is complaining, I said. But your voice, and your energy... I know you hate that word but it's true, she replied. Oh, great, so everything about what I'm saying except the actual words...

So I'm bac'ing down a bit, trying to stay as high has I can for a little while to let things settle, but more than anything looking for a workable balance. And I dunno, if no one else's going to speak up I'll just go ahead and fill the silence. Which is something I would never do in real life, and wouldn't still, apparently.

Y'all are quiet as doormice, so I hope it's 'cause you're busy eating all the cheese your little hearts could desire.

:l:l:l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Aw, hell. I keep forgetting to sign out when I leave here. And I can't resist a good post. Just. Can't. Resist.

Dude, the zoom hasn't begun to fade. Look for it. It's right where you left it. It sure as hell isn't around in the middle of the night, on too little sleep and some rice cakes. (Well, sometimes it is, but that isn't so good the next day.)

The zoom, though, is just...the joy in normalcy. (Maybe?) You know what I mean? It is REALLY hard to not have some sort of drama. I (and so many others!) had such the same feelings about the switch...

"Okay. What now???"

Thing is, there is SO much NOW. Right now. And lack of (needing) sleep is such a gift. I am going to start setting an alarm for the first time in a year and a half. This bums me out. And I have no doubt that when the going gets super-fun again (and it's right around the corner) then I'll be hopping out of bed like the energizer bunny. In fact, I was so damn happy and energized when I woke up (with Ed, when his alarm went off, at 5am) that I startled him! :H:H:H
I literally laughed out loud thinking about it.

Ya' know why? Because I've been using some tools. Because my family was here this weekend. When they left, were driving off, I had this moment. This Right Now Moment. And it was all I could do not to burst into beautiful tears. Of gratitude. For them. But mostly for this new life I have.

Dear God, and all that matters, in the entire universe, I am so grateful for this new life.

Talk about zooooooooom.
Gotta go! life to live in this moment! (And I'm so glad that you're a part of it! And so grateful that you're posting about your moments. Takes me right back to the magic. It's superfun when it's all new. But it's superduperfun when it's just...normal.)

HUGE hugs and tons of love and gratitude.
And lots of laughter and smilies, too.
~Karen

Now go back to bed!

[FarfallaP]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi Stuck in LA!

I accidentally touched the screen in the wrong place on my new toy and came across your post...(usually I stay in the Moderator sections) and Christopher Hitchen's name attracted my attention...odd, in that yesterday I noticed a blurb about him in the nyt, probably promoting the book his widow has written.


While I admire his aplomb and certainly his way with words, it was not lost on me that he died at a relatively early age from esophageal cancer. That type of cancer is frequently, if not always , linked to or caused by too much alcohol. Maybe I should not have been surprised, but I was.

So, most certainly I lack his skill at using words, but at least, partly thanks to MWO, maybe you and I can also escape that particular form of cancer!

good luck! Happy Labor Day! FF

[TexasAg]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Stuck,

I'm not sure if I've hit my switch, I guess I'm waiting for some trumpets in the sky. But I've been to a happy hour for my work on Friday with no desire to binge and just last night went to my nephew’s birthday/balls to the wall drinking Labor day cookout. They were doing 40 sec keg stands and I had no desire to contribute. In the past I would’ve wanted to show how old school could beat the young'uns. But instead I nursed three beers in about a 5 hr period. Sadly I was drinking the beer out of a sports bottle because my 23yr old daughter was there and I didn't want her to think I was drinking. She, however, was also doing keg stands.

I understand you’re feeling of what now. I’m going through something similar. I feel like my brain is so much more calm and I’m able to confront so many things. I feel like my whole life is ahead of me. But then I think, what for. My life as I’ve known it for 21 years is coming to an end. It’s depressing to think that if I could’ve found this solution a year ago I could be celebrating and looking forward to new and exciting things with my wife and kids.

The zoom comes and goes for me. One moment I’m enjoying jogging with the sunrise and contemplating the possibilities, the next I’m moping for what could’ve been. Fortunately we have NE to come in and put things in perspective. I love NE. I can directly trace my trying bac to her and a few other vets. I thank God and give her so much credit for continuing to post even after hitting the switch. I think about how I’ve been MIA and just lurking and not posting and sometimes not even lurking because things are going so well and I feel like I don’t “need” mywayout discussions. But then I think of NE and I remember that there are others that need to hear about this.

Anyways, just thought I’d chime in so it wasn’t so quiet on this Labor Day. Gonna go work on the house so I can put it on the market. (sorry that’s me moping again )
HAPPY LABOR DAY!

Cheers!

Day 52 on Bac – 160mg
AF – 1 day
Binge Free - 24 days

[ifulovelife2]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi All

I have nothing of particular interest to say, I just didn't want it to be too quiet 'round these parts.

Actually I have 2 points to make:

Ne (is she actually calling herself Karen now? Last I remember, she got all uppity when someone called her that :H) referred to normalcy, wellllllllll, sorry and all that but there really isn't any such thing as normality im(not so)ho. WTF is normal? Seriously? Normal? Get the fuck outa here!

Secondly, Ne/Karen referred to the "energizer bunny". Isn't it the 'duracell bunny'? I don't mean like the duracell bunny RedHead used to abuse when she was getting those SEs last year:H. Actually, isn't she titrating up again? I wonder if I should be reinvesting in Duracell shares.

Anyhoo, happy Labo(u)r Day to my colonial friends.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Couple of quick things:

Finally, finally, finally I get to correct my friend across the pond for something! It is totally the Energizer bunny. And yes, it keeps going and going and... Duracell is the one that's showing all kinds of extreme professions like search and rescue teams and firefighters and whatever, saying how when you absolutely must know your tools will work, trust the battery the professionals trust.

So there's no way I can comment on anyone's choice for their particular bunny, but it's kinda like do you need to know it'll work in an emergency, or does it have to go on and on forever...

Now, if FarFalla's technology ever regains control and brings him back here where he should damn well be, I want to make a small correction there, too. The book is a collection of essays written by Hitchens himself, as he was dying of the cancer that, yes, was probably caused by drinking and smoking. (The book is Mortality.) But I was also referring to the afterword, written by his wife, in which she described his attitude and general presence with the people around him while he was sick.

And NE/K, I did go back to bed! Only lasted a couple more hours though. But I'm sure there will be plenty of napping today, 'cause I have lots of reading to do. :H oh, and :upset:
[EDIT: Oh, and thank you, clearly. You make me smile. Don't know what I'd do w/o you.]

Happy Labor Day, everyone. Workers of the World... and whatnot.

[ifulovelife2]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

StuckinLA;1373016 wrote: Couple of quick things:

Finally, finally, finally I get to correct my friend across the pond for something! It is totally the Energizer bunny. And yes, it keeps going and going and... Duracell is the one that's showing all kinds of extreme professions like search and rescue teams and firefighters and whatever, saying how when you absolutely must know your tools will work, trust the battery the professionals trust.

So there's no way I can comment on anyone's choice for their particular bunny, but it's kinda like do you need to know it'll work in an emergency, or does it have to go on and on forever...

Bollocks! What the feck is this then?



Probably not the sort RedHead is famous for (allegedly) entertaining...but then again, who really knows?:H