Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I think he's pretending to work or some such silly thing.

Hiya peeps. :l

And please do come entertain a bit, will ya Stuck?

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Oy!

Wow, so my thread fell to at least the second page, for like only the second time ever, then bumps back up to page one and I still don't see it for a couple days!? Holy crap, I didn't even let that happen when I was bac-ed to the gills and blackout-drunk drinking!

Er, OK, that's enough with the exclamation marks for a little while. But seriously, sorry. I let the thread slip because, well because I just did. Ever since New Year's Eve I kept meaning to come in with a huge update about everything that's going on, but it just started feeling less and less important. And then yes I have been working a lot and reading a ton. But let's see if we can catch everyone up, shall we?

Off bac entirely and completely since Dec. 6th. Make of that what you will. Leg pain virtually nonexistent, and what there is of it I think is actually a developing knee problem--or some holdover something? Well, regardless, I'm not taking pills.

So NYE the bartender was wearing this backless, black sequin thing and sweet holy mother of the Lord. It was like Halloween and then the Saturday after Halloween all rolled into one, but shiny. And so I didn't really intend to, but I got wrecked, and I mean wrecked, and spent the whole evening on my barstool next to one of the regulars who's a really good friend of hers (the bartender). But so he happens to be a 50-something, portly, homosexual Mexican gentleman with a chirpy and constant laugh. And by the end of the night I have no idea what's going on, and he's getting kind of handsy, and I distinctly remember a plastic cup of champagne in front of me, and then I wake up at home to find a picture of myself on my phone, and I'm wearing a gold cardboard tophat and looking very glazed, and then a text message conversation that I have no recollection of, involving my thoughts on how I did some unnamed thing to "ruin" my chances with the bartender. So New Years Day I just drink from the time I wake up, and that doesn't go so well because then I'm back at the bar and trying to figure out what I did, and maybe even make amends, but then end up drunk again and silent and scribbling furious notes to myself and loving letters to the bartender in the notebook I had with me, and after that I just went and got sober for a little while.

But good intentions will only take you so far, so by mid-month I'd settled into a nice routine where I'd drink from about 5-11 and come straight home to pass out. But, still, thinking about things from a neutral perspective booze still isn't feeling good. I mean, it sort of does its job but then inevitably I just go from kind of OK to done, and I barely remember closing my tab and walking home if at all. And that's really not good. Then a couple nights ago I was sitting again with the rotund, overly-friendly Latino, and somehow wandered into an intense discussion about my relationship with, and intentions toward, the bartender. And while I don't remember a whole lot of it, honestly, the gist of it is that he's trying to tell me that she wants to be my friend, and he was so insistent about it that I came away from the whole thing feeling accused of something, though I don't know what, and even considering the NYE/D fiasco I certainly haven't (I don't think) done anything more than friendly with respect to her, since we've been cool since then, either in person or via email (since she emails me, or did, sometimes, especially when I was in Miami--did I mention I was in Miami? yeah, what a trainwreck).

But that's maybe where the other bartender comes in... Crush = transferred to this new girl, who dragged me along to a show after she got off work one night last week, and who beforehand drove me to her apartment and invited me in for a beer while she looked for her ID, and who is probably just as unlikely to ever go out with me as the first bartender. Though she also set my phone to follow her on Instagram, where she's a total exhibitionist, so at least there's that. Which I guess brings me to yesterday, when I got really anxious and panicky, kind of out of the blue while I was watching a hockey game at the bar in the afternoon. Point is, to deal with it I drank I think 5 beers in about 2 hours. Felt nothing. It didn't touch the anxiety. And so I left and went home and watched the rest of the game here in bed and then read. And at no point in the afternoon or evening did I even feel buzzed. So that was a real bummer, obviously, and was some real food for thought. So I went to bed feeling sober, and actually slept fairly well, and decided to not drink today. And that's about as far as I've gotten so far, but maybe not drinking again for a bit would be a good idea... So as of this moment my goal is a few sober days or so to kind of see how I'm feeling and sleeping, see what exactly is what with the bartender, maybe try to ask the other bartender out and see if that's even the remotest of possibilities, and try to get some work done. Because I'm freaking drowning in all the work I'm not accomplishing right now. Seriously, because it's like meltdown proportions.

That was my January. How was yours?

:l:l:l

[EDIT: Hi Mary! Nice to meet you.]

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Bloody hell Stuck what happened, I dont know what I was doing but totally missed the bit where you stopped taking bac, I take it that was because of the leg pain or was there any other reason. And so now you seem to be drinking way too much again and still have the obssession with the barmaid still going on.

So do you have any thoughts or plans about what to do now or do you just want to wait a while to decide. I really did think you had it with the baclofen you went through so much to just stop. Do you think you want to try a different med or just try stopping without meds. You already know where to go to get info on topa and there are others you could try that all do different things.

Whatever you decide I am glad your back and hope you start posting more often again, you have been missed.

[playland]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Wowzer,

Stuck, you have been thru it, I do rather understand about going off the Bac since I'm not a fan of it, I hope you are not getting any flak because of it. Anyway, take care of yourself, not remembering walking home and other things can be a bit unsettling, but I have faith you will be ok, I think you mostly need a steady honest to goodness Girlfriend, I think enough time spent on the bartender.

Are you still teaching classes at your school? and how is that going, at least you can probably stay awake more easily.

Yes, I believe Ally will be with us on our big adventure when we stop by your house

Take Care Stuck, Luv U,
Play

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Um. yeah, so what did happen? I started lowering my dose because of problems staying awake in the evenings and leg pain. So once the whole thing became a kind of race-to-the-bottom, I decided to go ahead and go all the way off bac to see if the leg thing was related. And you know what? Yes, I'm inclined to say it is, but there are so many holdovers from the bac experience that I can't quite figure out what's going on bodily or mentally with any precision, still, so I hesitate to make any unequivocal pronouncements.

Otherwise, things are OK, more or less. And yes, I'm not having any troubles staying awake in the afternoons/evenings--just having trouble staying away from the bar! :H , I mean :upset: . But in all seriousness I wouldn't want someone to get to the end of this thread (wherever that will be) and ever think I'm speaking ill of bac.

The journey up wasn't an easy one, and the journey down was fraught with its own problems. Mostly some serious depression, and the last 20 or 30 mg to 0 had some massive anxiety consequences. Those are just facts, but what I'm saying is that bac is not for me right now. I can't describe how much hope I'm able to hold on to knowing that the cure for drinking is sitting right there in a couple of prescription bottles in my medicine cabinet. And I've had a few short stretches of sobriety lately, too, even though my posts focus on the antics. I was sober for two weeks during my visit home for the holidays, and then another week and a half after after the new year. I am sober now for the second straight day. And the big one? The anxiety in the middle of the afternoon on Saturday that AL didn't fix? There is no way on this earth that I could have stopped drinking in the middle of the day once I'd started, especially in that state, before.

Anyway, thanks for thinking of me, everyone. And it's great to see you again, Space. You're such a sweetheart. I don't have a plan, except maybe to try to focus a little on work and maybe get a stretch of sober time going. As for the barmaids, well, she emailed me again today to chit chat, so we'll see.

[Alcoholic]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Stuck: bac didn't help your addiction to the barmaid.....

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

StuckinLA;1452683 wrote: As for the barmaids, well, she emailed me again today to chit chat, so we'll see.

Stuck I dont know what were going to do with you :H x

[TexasAg]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Good to hear from you Stuck!

Keep posting, don't want it to get dull around here! Especially the stories about the ladies for us married guys....:H


Cheers!

[TexasAg]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Stuck,

I just wanted to give you a heads up on some info that Colin posted on another thread about Alcoholic Polyneuropathy and leg pains and such. Don't know if you know about it but it caught my attention because I've been getting some pains and tingling in my legs, shoulders and hands.

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f2...-10-68386.html

Cheers!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Thanks, Tex. The weird thing is, from what little I know about polyneuropathy, is that it tends to start at the extremities and work toward the core, whereas my pain started at the waist and stopped at the ankles. So I'm not sure, still, wtf. But it would totally suck if bac brought on/exacerbated something that's going to be around for a while.

I'll see what I can do about keeping the lady stories coming (oooh, bad pun, sorry), believe me I'm trying!

[TexasAg]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Stuck,

I'm trying a multivitamin with a ton of Thiamin to see if it helps with the muscle pain. It's worth a shot.

Oh and the lady stories, please don't make me wait for a story until you get the bartender :H.

Cheers!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Alcoholic neuropathy only happens if you're (wait for it)...drinking. I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again: I'd be looking for answers about that stuff. Neuropathy has a very different outcome if it's caught early.

Holy guac, Stuck. I don't really know what to say. That all sounds really stressful. :l:l

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programing to announce that today the bartender found out that she passed the GED.

She's the first one to disparage herself and her accomplishment, but to me this is nothing short of a celebration. Aside from giving her a hug tonight, this is the only place where I know I can mark this occasion.

So this bright, wonderful young woman now has the equivalence of a high school diploma from the US. She scored in the 80s and 90s in most subject areas, and she surprised herself in reading. This has nothing to do with anyone here, who I know is supportive of her, but she's concerned that this is all stupid and not really worth anything. So here I am, screaming to the world at large: I'm a Doctoral Candidate at a major research university, and I could not be more proud of this woman. Her determination to pass a test, in the face of all the uncertainty surrounding the immigration controversy, should remind us all of how much we take for granted.

That is all. Now back to our regularly scheduled program of bac and SEs and whatever else.

[ifulovelife2]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

OK, that's cool.


I do apologise for not having kept up with this thread as completely as I should have but have you shagged the Latino lovely yet?

Just wonderin'.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Alas, no shagging whatsoever, ethnic or otherwise. So day 5 seems to be the stumbling block lately--that, and the complete lack of a plan is probably a pretty big setup for the stumbling. Went to happy hour with a lady friend on Thursday, and drank water while she had a couple drinks. But then she wanted to move on to the next bar for "one more." Well, had a couple beers, and that then led to making out with her at the train station, followed by coming home to my bar and having drinks. Which meant that yesterday I was in a pretty bad way, with the hangover and all, so the best way to cure that is to have some beers while playing video games and then head back down to the bar, right?

Grrr. So today I have my online job to do, which I despise, and the new non-latina bartender is working the day shift. This means that I'm about to head down there, but at the same time I realize that drinking today would definitely be a bad idea. Here's to non-alcoholic drinks at the bar. And I'm not sure how much people really care to read about the cyclical nonsense of a drunk without a plan--especially one who knowingly puts himself in situations that lead to drinking.

As I'm looking at the calendar, I notice that it's been one year almost to the day that I was finishing up a three-week bender and taking myself to the hospital for detox and possible out-patient rehab, which didn't really work out so well but did lead to two months of AA and sobriety, and the start of bac. Funny how I remember that more clearly than almost anything that's happened since--this whole year seems to've blown by without a trace. Sort of.

The differences between then and now are difficult to explain. Last February I pretty much did what you're supposed to do (almost), I went to one AA meeting a week, which I know isn't nearly enough (they say), but I didn't go anywhere near bars, nor did I have any AL in the house. And there were (most) evenings when I'd get off the bus and be heading home, and passing the bar I'd nearly cry, like something came out of thin air and punched me in the chest. I was truly terrified and an emotional wreck most of the time. Now I'm not feeling that at all--well, maybe some of the emotional wreckage. I'm not feeling like a drink is the end of the world, though perhaps I should be, and knowing that I drank the past two days doesn't really feel like it's dooming me to continue today. In fact, the more I'm typing this out the more I'm psyching myself up for not drinking today, so that I can get through these three hours of work, and the three hours tomorrow, and then again on Monday. And with the job starting up again time is really limited, and I'm busy enough already, with school and teaching and my dissertation and trying to write.

But again, does that just mean I'll be doing little four or five day stints of sober time? Would it be easier to manage my life if I truly tried to commit to capital-S Sobriety? Or is doing what I'm doing now what's keeping me from those soul-crushing moments of craving and sadness? The anxiety would probably be better, but either way these are the questions I've been asking myself. Out loud, on the internet. Thanks for listening to me ramble on...

Hope everyone's having a good one. :l