Skullbaby's Progress

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1606855 wrote: I may be just talking to myself here, but that's OK. Just venting... feeling incredibly weak, shakey, anxious, small, angry, frustrated, sad.... just had a very stressful few weeks that culminated in an incredibly stressful day/night yesterday... today just trying to pick myself back up. I REALLY wish the new year would have started off better. I think I'm mad that it was basically ruined for me.

I feel mad that I made the effort to travel home to see family with my GF and dog despite all the stress that travelling with that dog caused. That fucking dog. I felt stressed for 10 fuckiing days straight. I feel mad that I was made to feel an imposition by family members the whole time there. I feel mad that I had to pretend to like people I don't like. I feel mad that I was dragged to a SECOND family vacation in Arkansas and ran into angry, threatening rednecks there and basically hardly felt safe the whole time. I feel mad that my GF basically had a giant meltdown yesterday and I just had to sit and deal with it. And that nobody seems to care that I have no idea how to manage all this fucking stress without alcohol (or cigarettes or junk food).

I feel mad that I was looking forward to New Year's Day as a day of health, warmth, and rejuvenation, to set the tone for a hopefully positive January and beyond, and instead I had to deal with a total meltdown for hours WHILE TRAVELLING. I did my part as a good, understanding partner, I listened, I supported, and now she's happy and fine and moved past it, but I'm still left with all this anxiety and tension and frustration and I just feel crushed and crestfallen that I had a totally shitty New Year's Day when I was so hoping it would be a calm hopeful lovely day. Though I know that is probably unrealistic when I had to travel for 12 hours that day. No way is it going to be happy. "Peaceful and calm" is a laugh.

I fucking hate travelling during the holidays. Or ever. Unless I'm by myself. When travelling with others, even close ones and family. everything is just compromise and obligation. Everyone wants to do all these activities and nobody likes eachother or has fun doing them, it's all just seething undercurrents of disfunction and stress and loathing.

I feel like I just want to crawl into a cave and never see anyone ever again. I certainly never want to travel ever again.

OK rant over. I'll post a more coherent level headed post later.

Skull~ I just popped over here to catch up on what you have had going on and can I say THANK YOU for this honest post...LOVE IT. makes me feel human... and it did make me laugh because I know I have felt this way in situations. ok I need to read the rest now...

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

Wow... Have I been missing out over here... Skull- you really are a well put together dude. I am totally amazed out how you and your girlfriend sorted out what was happening in your relationship and are taking care that you address these issues properly.
I have to run but would love to elaborate more later...

I'm a fellow cusser I feel it allows me to express myself.. And it is your thread so please do as you please and be you.... It's your safe place right?

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks for the kind words BK, I'm glad you found value in my recent posts. As for being a well put together dude... well, I often feel like the exact opposite of that- a mess, a basketcase... but I'm sure trying. Thanks for the vote of confidence, the compliment made me feel that I'm perhaps making some progress!

It's very important, some would say crucial, to be as communicative as possible with a partner. That's something that I'm very blessed in, with my relationship. There's a couple issues in my relationship with my GF that are difficult for me, but thankfully our communication is pretty great for the most part. We're both good listeners and communicators for the most part and genuinely care what the other has to say.

In a related thought, back from JMum's post about her hb- it can be difficult for many men to communicate well, particularly about emotional stuff. Some men just don't like to, but many men wish they could, even long for it, but find it very scary and difficult. This is ingrained in men that to be nonemotional is to be strong and masculine, and to be emotional and communicative about such is equal to weakness. As one of my favorite comedians says on the subject... "men have to deal with decades of surpressing the urge to say a baby is cute, to have a cookie, to pet a puppy."

Anyway- it's true that for me, finding a time/place were it's comfortable to express things is often paramount to diffusing stress and tension, and finding solutions to problems, or just to be heard.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Update- Day 68 AF. Bac-100mg/day, AB-125mg/day.

Well, today marks me reaching my previous record of AF time- I had 68 days late last year and then sabotaged my progress around Halloween, wanting to drink for the parties, before re-committing to sobriety. So, tomorrow will be a new record for me. Then, it's on to 90 days... wow I'm so grateful that I know with certainty I'll make it this time. I'm almost getting teary thinking this. So happy

I mentioned on the Sober January thread that I was frustrated about my progress being slow in a couple of issues in my life, and BK followed up asking about them so I thought I'd post about them here... The issues specifically, are- Weight loss, getting finances in order/getting debt free, and getting over internal blocks to be creative/artistic again.

Regarding weight loss- I post about this in my Fitness thread, but basically I'm trying to get down to a healthy weight. At my biggest, I was approx. 220 lbs (pretty overweight, for a dude at 5'8"). As of today, I'm down to 190, so progress is recently pretty good. I was just having a frustrated day when I commented otherwise, but since last year when I began working on losing the weight, I've lost a total of 30 lbs of fat, while gaining muscle (adding gains to all my weightlifting maximums). So it's actually good progress and I'm continuing it. Good nutrition (fruits/veggies, lean meats, fatty grass fed meats, healthy fats, limited complex carbs on lifting days) at a slight but rational calorie deficit (1800 cals/day) makes all the difference in the world.

Regarding debt/finances- I'm recently interested in getting out of debt, and getting my finances and spending under control. I hate the feeling of these being out of my control. I recently decided to work on these things and found a few great tools to do so. (I'm happy to share links if anyone is interested). Easy, simple, direct and to the point tools. Using them, I've planned how to be completely 100% debt-free by the end of May. Then, I'll have reached my goal of a completely funded Emergency Fund by the end of December (this, for any unforeseen emergencies such as loss of employment, or just car repair breaking down etc). So, by the end of this year I'll be in great shape, and then next year I can resume retirement funding (Roth IRA/401K etc) and begin wealth-building by focusing my income, now unencumbered by debt, to positive means. To get there, this year will require focus and intensity, and systems designed to keep my behavior in check (such as using only cash/debit cards instead of credit cards).

Regarding the creative blocks- this is a big one, and a significant source of unhappiness in my life. For the last 5 to 10 or so years, I've found it difficult to find any joy in art, though I really WANT to. I have all these blocks in my head about it, and they're very tied in with my drinking abuse and sobriety. Drinking basically robbed me of any other joys in my life, overwhelming and destroying them almost completely. Now that I'm making good progress recovering from that, I want to nurture my previous joys, such as art, back to health. I've written about this earlier in my progress thread. I've got some ideas on how to do this, that I'll save for another post.

The process of rekindling my creative artist self, out of all the things I'm working on, scares me the most intensely. I feel that I've got a good handle on how to tackle the other ones, and good momentum and dedication to them. But I can really feel myself holding back on this one due to fear. Anyway, good stuff to ruminate on... this journal is great for that.

In other news... today marks Day 5 of CF (cigarette free). So I'm even making progress there, which is kind of a happy surprise. I keep puffing away on my e-cig whenever I am craving, and that's helped me to get past nicotine cravings.

I know that this is all a lot to take on, to work on all these things together-- some would say that I should just concentrate on one thing at a time, not worrying about the others til later. Maybe they're right, but for me I've found that if I allow one or two things to slip, then quickly Thing 3 slips, then Thing 4 and soon I'm back to having 6 or 7 "things".... and one of them is usually alcohol. So, for me, really tightening a lot of areas up in my life is helpful to all the other areas, especially sobriety. For me they're sort of all related, and co-dependant on eachother. That said, when one or two things DOES slip, from time to time, I'm working on not letting those occurences completely throw off all my progress. It's a process of picking myself up, dusting myself off, and getting back on the horse as soon as possible.

OK that was a good long wordy post... as usual. Haha. This online MWO journaling has become really really helpful for me to get my thoughts straight and focus, each day.

Best to all!

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull -What awesome news to report alcohol free and the cigs.

Damn, I think you just might be the poster boy for baclofen-ab-and recovery. Seriously, you have been steadfast in your approach and your reports have been quite concise.

Regarding the creative blocks, etc; Almost everything I did revolved around alcohol. I use to love golf and I was really good. However, I have lost all interest in playing -well most all interest. My sons have invited me and I have played with them but it was not the same. Seemed kind of boring but at least I was able to spend time with them. There are a few other areas similar to the golf. I really don't know either what the answer is other than to somehow reprogram my mind in to a new way of framing these pursuits. With some time, many of the other areas in my life that I tied alcohol to have increased in joy exponentially. It really would be great to hear what others have to say.

Great Post

[spuddleduck]

Skullbaby's Progress

skull, I just had to read back over your mini meltdown moments and your talking it through stuff.. I just love it. its like ... well this is what is pissing me off, and this is how im sorting it. So glad you're taking the time to write it down, it may help you but it also helps us as im sure many of us can relate is so many ways. you put it across very well.... my chosen technique is to waffle on until even I don't know what im talking about.
as for the e-cigs - I used to smoke roll ups with a menthol filter (had to be menthol) and when I cut down my drinking the smoking actually increased, even though for years I only smoked when drinking. I got an e-cig a couple of years ago and it worked wonders for me. stopped the smoking, went on to zero nicotine liquid for the e-cig, and now rarely even use that. my little old lungs are very happy with me. ive seen a few different e-cigs/vaporisors and some of them are crap (in my opinion). the one I have is a tornado tank, and of course it has to be the menthol liquid. anyhow, as a non smoker (wehey) you wont be needing any of this healthy menthol vaping stuff.

[Jazi's Mum]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hey, skull, you are just forging ahead to a great new life. Truly amazing and helpful to read. How much do you attribute your success to baclofen? Is the antabuse the only thing that really puts the lid on drinking?

Enjoying your posts.
JMum

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Spirit- thanks. I'm sure trying. The bac/ab combo does seem to work well for me, since my goal is extended AF time (currently shooting for 120 days). As for hobbies... yes, I have to trust that my love for creative activities will come back slowly as long as I don't drown it in poison. What are some of the other pursuits that you mentioned, that've increased in joy since leaving the firewater?

Duck- glad you found value in my post... I am happy to have written all that down. At the time, everything just seemed bad and crappy and hopeless... but now I'm glad I went through it because a bunch of answers were identified... that's why I made sure to journal them here, in case I need a refresher (I find it helpful to sometime revisit a few pages of my own thread and review them, just to remind myself where I was, where I am, and keep myself on track).
As for e-cigs... I am bummed because I found this article stating how e-cigs are not the healthier option that I'd thought... I may have to just go cold turkey, now. 9 Terribly Disturbing Things About Electronic Cigarettes

JMum- I'd say I attribute it equally to the two meds, as I wasn't able to get AF time on AB alone (due to cravings and habit) or on bac alone (cravings diminished, but habit still there). The mix of the two is what kept me on track, as the bac helped with the cravings and the AB effectively makes the habit "not an option". There've been MANY times over the weeks that I've passed by a store, mini-mart, beer isle at grocery store, etc where I felt the urge to just buy beer just cuz "it's fun and it's what I do". During those times, my willpower feels almost 0, it's like I just answer with a very airheaded "OKAY!" Then I have to stop and think... oh, wait... I can't. I'll get really violently sick. (antabuse). OK, guess that's not an option. Good thing I wasn't really craving it anyway. (baclofen). On to the veggie isle lalalala....

That kind of thing.

It's admittedly an odd protocol, I haven't really heard of anyone else doing it this way- it started because I wanted to join Juan's 30-day abstinence challenge, and that's just the only way I could get 30 days. Then it kept snowballing from there. As Spirit said, maybe I'm the poster boy for bac/ab. Haha. All I know is, I'm going to hit 90 days soon... I can hardly believe that. Then, on to 120.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Copy/pasted from Duck's thread, cuz I thought it'd be good to post as a self-reminder here:

"There's interesting research that shows that cravings in the brain actually only last, on average, about 15 minutes. Though of course, they can feel much much longer because they feel so much more intense. And they can last longer if we continue to ruminate on them. But in my experience they do actually seem to subside after a short time and then I have more "choice" after.

Regarding the above, sometimes when I'm craving super hard, I tell myself "look, if you MUST have x, you CAN- but you must wait 30 minutes. If you must still have it after 30 min, then you can make that choice." But often, 30 minutes later, it seems less attractive.

Also, regarding TV- I find that TV/movies are actually one of the best tools I have against alcohol, and most welcome. They provide entertainment (from boredom) and distraction (from cravings). It's passive and mindless and easy at the click of a button, and gets me past cravings. Yes, that makes me occasionally a couch potato, but I'm cool with that "

[Yourfriend6116]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull- so great to read about all your progress and future goals!! I'll be following and cheering you on! Good job on breaking your previous AF record! That's gotta feel good.

[Jazi's Mum]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull, thanks for that tip regarding the cravings. Just waiting 30 minutes doesn't seem so hard when you put it that way eh?

Regarding your dual approach - well it seems to be working for you and I'm glad of that for your sake. Antabuse is a good option. Do you feel it in your system? If you are still feeling cravings do you think you should increase your bac dose? I can't remember exactly your protocol over time so don't know how high you went. Did you reach a real switch or were the SEs too much? Sorry for the questions but it will save me from reading all your posts again (once was enough - JUST KIDDING!!!)

By the way, your enthusiasm is contagious - I always come away from reading your posts with a good feeling - you are a sweetie for keeping up so well with your journal.
JMum

[neophyte]

Skullbaby's Progress

skull, whats the danger with antabus if you accidently have a drink, so for example you swallow two mouthfuls of beer or accidently drink some mouth wash. will you have any negative effects?

[spuddleduck]

Skullbaby's Progress

As for e-cigs... I am bummed because I found this article stating how e-cigs are not the healthier option that I'd thought... I may have to just go cold turkey, now. 9 Terribly Disturbing Things About Electronic Cigarettes

I can only speak for myself (and a few friends). I found within days of vaping instead of smoking my breathing improved. I easily went on to the zero nicotine liquid and from there virtually stopped, though I always have a 'vape' when I drink. so for me it was fantastic. having said this, other people I know just couldn't get on with them and still wanted to smoke. id certainly give it a go though.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Friend- Thanks for the supportive words, I'm glad you're finding value in my thread Yes, it does feel quite good to break my previous AF record! This is the longest I've been sober in 15 or so years. I do have my blue days, I feel sad or anxious, but that's just being human. Since I don't have the option to drink through these periods, I just allow them to come, to sit with them, learn with them, and self-soothe however I can. I also have more happy, genuinely joyful days now too. The overall bored, grey, "blah" period has lifted and I actually have genuine fun nowadays, which previously I would have thought "yeah, right, sure".

JMum- to answer your questions- I only feel Antabuse in my system the first week or so, in the form of a sleepiness side effect- so I take it before bed, with my melatonin, and drift off to sleep nicely. Otherwise, I feel nothing in my system from the Antabuse (other than if I were to ingest alcohol, then I'd DEFINITELY feel something... something BAAAD). It's largely a mental safeguard, knowing that I've got it in my system. Also, my dosage is half a pill an Antabuse per day (125mg instead of 250). I do this because AB can be hard on your liver (though not harder than drinking alcoholically, I'd wager). It's enough to get the safeguard I need, but it is a bit easier on my liver, I figure, plus it makes the supply last longer.

I don't really feel drinking cravings at all, so I know the bac works. However, I do often feel the habit making itself known ("nice afternoon for a beer"..."this party would be more fun with beer"... "I feel scared and want to 'check out' with a beer"...) This may sound similar to cravings but it feels distinct- for instance, I still definitely and actively crave cigarettes, but not alcohol. For alcohol, it's just the habit-caused monkey chatter in my head that I disarm with the Antabuse.

I did not feel a physical switch per se, it's more like cravings diminished slowly so that I almost didn't notice them. Due to some earlier encouragement from forum members, I was told that a block of AF time helps the bac "take root" and do its job, so that's what I signed up for (but the only way I could do it was to add Antabuse). So that's what I did... 30 days became 60, and onwards. Due to my lack of physical cravings, and my sensitivity to SE's such as anxiety if I go too high, I've decided not to increase bac dosage for a while, though I'll re-evaluate if I feel them coming back.

And haha, I know that this thread would likely take more time to re-read in its entirety than "War and Peace". Haha! I'm glad that you find value in my posts though and glad you're keeping up with it. I love hearing positive feedback as sometimes I feel like I'm posting in a vacuum.

Neo- yes, you have to be careful with such things if you have taken Antabuse. I buy alcohol-free mouthwash (easy to find at any store). And I don't EVER have even a bit of alcohol, because the effects are quite scary and can be damaging. If you have AB in your system, don't drink even a small bit of alcohol because you're essentially ingesting straight poison. An accidental swallow of beer or mouthwash won't kill you, but it will feel quite uncomfortable, and any more could do damage to your body. Being essentially "scared straight", I even don't order dishes cooked with wine or beer in them, just to be on the safe side.

Spud- yep, smoking has been a challenge for me lately. I think I'm managing stress with it (though as with most of these things, cigs actually increase stress, so it's a poor tool for it). As for ecigs, I tried mine for about 4 days and it just didn't work for me. Though I did breathe better... I'm breathing really poorly right now because of cigs. BOOOO.

Thanks all, for all the comments.

[Jazi's Mum]

Skullbaby's Progress

thanks - so encouraging. I might start back on naltrexone to back-stop the baclofen but have to wait till I can afford it. Antabuse is effective as you say, Skull, good to keep in mind - not ruling that out for future!!
JMum