Skullbaby's Progress

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Lostinspace;1691253 wrote: Skull - I agree completely. I also have already found it useful to journal a lot here. Even though I've only been around for a little under two months, I can already see a huge change in myself. Not only in that I'm drinking so much less, but there's been a shift in my attitude.

When I read those early posts, it almost takes me back in time, and I'm reminded of what I felt like at that point - how desperately sad and self-hating I was. My mental health has improved dramatically in such a short period of time.

Totally, Lis- this is exactly what I've found, that journaling here not only helps me to organize my often cluttered mind, but it's so valuable to go back and read. I'm often surprised at how I felt then vs. how I feel now, and I'm often reminded of how dark my life was then, and it serves as a warning that those days could quickly find me again if I'm not careful. It really helps with perspective.

It also helps me when those creeping thoughts of wanting to drink come crawling back in. I often delay the decision (as you did recently, I read- huzzah!), and often take the time to re-read portions of my thread and remind myself how miserable I used to be.

Just another reason I'm grateful for MWO and the people here that listen to me and read my posts...

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Zooey;1695492 wrote: Thanks again LIS and SBL. I had meant to get back to this earlier, but I have been spending a lot of time staring into space and forgetting things! Have to say it is driving me a bit crazy. I'm not usually one to forget my keys etc As for afternoon somnolence, I almost fell off my chair at work the other day. Most disconcerting! I have a sedentary job and don't have the option to get up and move much, so it is quite challenging. I'm still only on 50mg and planning to go up to 60 mg tomorrow. I have been taking 20mg in the morning and 30mg in the late afternoon, but I'm wondering if it would help to take a lunchtime dose? Had avoided that, because I was fearful of the sleepiness, but as I'm pretty much zonked all day at the moment, I wonder if it would actually help?
Also, my drinking is pretty much the same, if not a little increased. So that's a bit boring. But still planning to hang in there. Can see why people get put off though. I'm sometimes having trouble stringing my words together. I am extremely vague!!
Anyway thanks again for your support and hope that all is going well for you too!

Zooey- all I can say is good on you for sticking with the protocol and reassure you that the SE's will go away in time. A couple months of this annoying state is really worth it if it helps free you from alcoholic drinking, no? The SE's REALLY DO subside, so stick with it and keep the faith.

As for falling asleep etc, if you get up and take a 5 to 10 minute walk every now and then, that often helps get the blood flowing, interrupts the brain fog, and wakes you up a bit. At least it did for me. I don't have advice as to changing dosage, but of course there's much info here on various threads/posts that can help with that.

Lastly, thanks for posting here and please feel welcome to continue to do so! I like it when my thread is active. if you want a more regular conversation than on my thread (which is a bit slow lately, mostly due to my own laziness I think), Lis's thread has been a pretty active hangout lately, I bet she wouldn't mind if you joined us there You can find that thread here- https://www.mywayout.org/community/f2...-31-93403.html

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Update- Day 295 AF, Day 482 on Baclofen- currently still at 80mg/day, also 125mg Antabuse every other day.

When I started this journey, I decided to force 30 days AF and "see how it goes", hoping to God that the baclofen would "work better" if I gave it some AF time. I committed to 30 days and then would play it by ear... Well, that was nearly 10 months ago and I'm still somehow AF, and happy for it.

I often have times where my brain tries to set "drinking dates", most often around other social engagements or trips/vacations, and I keep making half-hearted plans to "maybe" drink during those times. But the lack of physical cravings due to the Baclofen and the long half-life of the Antabuse keep forcing me to look more deliberately at myself and what choices I ultimately DO want to make. I'm happy for this because so far, 100% of the time the answer I've eventually come to is "nope, not today" or "nope, not this week".

This has made my life mostly much better- I say mostly, because there are occasions that seem tougher, such as social engagements where everyone around me is drinking, or hangouts where I know I'd be much less anxious and inhibited, and maybe even more charming and fun, if I were to imbibe. But I keep remembering how those charming hours always morphed into drunken embarassing episodes and then 2 to 3 days of horrendous hangover anxiety, sick days missed from work, etc. So in light of that reality, a few social/work gatherings where I feel anxious is still preferable.

In fact... I now have decided that, after 10 months AF, that the period I'm calling "Phase One" has been completed, and now I need to purposefully begin work on "Phase Two".

Phase Two is basically-- working on building the foundation that I always lacked, which led me to rely on booze. The sense of safety, of well-being, and ultimately of confidence in the world and with other people.

I've written before in my thread how I don't often feel safe in the world. I often feel "less-than" others. I'm almost always scared in the world to some degree. Sometimes not so much, but other times I feel terrified just to walk the streets, and certainly in small talk, even engaging with people at the grocery store, etc.

Have you guys seen that movie "Inception"? You know the scenes where, in the dreams, the beings that populate the dreamer's mind begin to slowly recognize that the characters are imposters who shouldnt' be there, who need to be eradicated, and more and more, people stare at them accusingly, begin to swarm them, and ultimately try to overwhelm them? That's often how the world feels to me. I'm constantly scared that i'm going to offend the unwritten rules of a person, a tribe, a society, and be rejected and expelled. I feeling like I'm always faking it, just barely good enough, to fool people for one more day that I'm OK. It's exhausting. I'm constantly scared that I'm not good enough to even exist.

This is all stuff that I really need to work on. These distorted and toxic self-beliefs, and the lack of safety and security I feel in the world, are what I suspect is largely behind my turning to alcohol and abusing it for so many years.

All these concepts were really brought to the forefront of my mind a couple weeks ago when I took a work trip to San Francisco. It was really difficult because of all the stuff I mentioned was really magnified, but I'm ultimately glad for it. It really showed me how important it is to deal with this stuff. At home it's too easy for me to be in my shell- hardly talking to anyone day to day except my GF and my dog, and with whom I feel safe and happy. It's easy then to avoid all the rest of the world.

But I can't do that forever, not if I want to build a life.

A friend of mine recently posted online, "The world is much more accessible than you think it is, and you are far more capable than you think you are."

It reminds me too of a quote I've been often repeating to myself by Maya Angelou- "Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant".

Well, Phase One was surviving. This meant just living day to day without alcohol, and that was enough. Just surviving, sober.

Phase Two is learning how to thrive, and it begins now.

Thanks for listening, best to all

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1696838 wrote: Update- Day 295 AF, Day 482 on Baclofen- currently still at 80mg/day, also 125mg Antabuse every other day.

When I started this journey, I decided to force 30 days AF and "see how it goes", hoping to God that the baclofen would "work better" if I gave it some AF time. I committed to 30 days and then would play it by ear... Well, that was nearly 10 months ago and I'm still somehow AF, and happy for it.

I often have times where my brain tries to set "drinking dates", most often around other social engagements or trips/vacations, and I keep making half-hearted plans to "maybe" drink during those times. But the lack of physical cravings due to the Baclofen and the long half-life of the Antabuse keep forcing me to look more deliberately at myself and what choices I ultimately DO want to make. I'm happy for this because so far, 100% of the time the answer I've eventually come to is "nope, not today" or "nope, not this week".

This has made my life mostly much better- I say mostly, because there are occasions that seem tougher, such as social engagements where everyone around me is drinking, or hangouts where I know I'd be much less anxious and inhibited, and maybe even more charming and fun, if I were to imbibe. But I keep remembering how those charming hours always morphed into drunken embarassing episodes and then 2 to 3 days of horrendous hangover anxiety, sick days missed from work, etc. So in light of that reality, a few social/work gatherings where I feel anxious is still preferable.

In fact... I now have decided that, after 10 months AF, that the period I'm calling "Phase One" has been completed, and now I need to purposefully begin work on "Phase Two".

Phase Two is basically-- working on building the foundation that I always lacked, which led me to rely on booze. The sense of safety, of well-being, and ultimately of confidence in the world and with other people.

I've written before in my thread how I don't often feel safe in the world. I often feel "less-than" others. I'm almost always scared in the world to some degree. Sometimes not so much, but other times I feel terrified just to walk the streets, and certainly in small talk, even engaging with people at the grocery store, etc.

Have you guys seen that movie "Inception"? You know the scenes where, in the dreams, the beings that populate the dreamer's mind begin to slowly recognize that the characters are imposters who shouldnt' be there, who need to be eradicated, and more and more, people stare at them accusingly, begin to swarm them, and ultimately try to overwhelm them? That's often how the world feels to me. I'm constantly scared that i'm going to offend the unwritten rules of a person, a tribe, a society, and be rejected and expelled. I feeling like I'm always faking it, just barely good enough, to fool people for one more day that I'm OK. It's exhausting. I'm constantly scared that I'm not good enough to even exist.

This is all stuff that I really need to work on. These distorted and toxic self-beliefs, and the lack of safety and security I feel in the world, are what I suspect is largely behind my turning to alcohol and abusing it for so many years.

All these concepts were really brought to the forefront of my mind a couple weeks ago when I took a work trip to San Francisco. It was really difficult because of all the stuff I mentioned was really magnified, but I'm ultimately glad for it. It really showed me how important it is to deal with this stuff. At home it's too easy for me to be in my shell- hardly talking to anyone day to day except my GF and my dog, and with whom I feel safe and happy. It's easy then to avoid all the rest of the world.

But I can't do that forever, not if I want to build a life.

A friend of mine recently posted online, "The world is much more accessible than you think it is, and you are far more capable than you think you are."

It reminds me too of a quote I've been often repeating to myself by Maya Angelou- "Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant".

Well, Phase One was surviving. This meant just living day to day without alcohol, and that was enough. Just surviving, sober.

Phase Two is learning how to thrive, and it begins now.

Thanks for listening, best to all
Skull -what a great post. I know that you are being truthful because I have lived most of my life in the same way.

I do hope others down the line will get a chance to read your posts -the benefits could be life saving to many. Your Baclofen-Antabuse program is phenomenal -in my opinion.

In those early days of not drinking, I always tried to remind myself (when a crave was attacking) that I can always drink tomorrow, but I am going to give it hell today and not drink. This worked for me many times.

A few quotes (representing me):

?You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.?
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

?When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.?
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

And one of my favorites:

?Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called.?

Great job Skull and thanks for your posts.

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hi Hulkman!

I totally know what ya mean about setting drinking dates. That is where I am at now...

I am so glad my kids are so busy with activities because I am opting not to drink during the week so I can be there for them.
But the infamous mindset still longs to find a spot where I can drink. I am focusing on taking this weekend off cause it's been a few since I have done that. I feel like if I practice NOT drinking on a weekend it will feel more normal as it should then lead to more weekends off and maybe even a Fucking holiday.

I'm back in the gym and it feels good. I am planning things out for Labor Day already but in the back of my mind I thought what if you didn't drink at all during a holiday then my alky brain says well just one day.... To be honest I would be happy if I could choose one day as my drinking day and take the rest of the weekend off. We will see.

I have thoughts of drinking during the week but then just like you- I start remembering how I will feel and how a few turns into 20. Now that I am taking more AF days.. When I drink it almost seems like I can feel the damage being done to my body and mind when I do drink. When I think about drinking I try to think of crossbones & skull(obviously not you) or think of bleach as relation to alcohol.
I am hoping that I keep doing that my mind will rewire to relate AL to poison instead of pleasure.
I have been working really hard in my emotional state and my authenticity in my relationships too.
It's amazing how much my emotional state comes into play with food & alcohol.

The rewards from my family since I haven't been drinking as much are amazing. I feel so connected and loved. Good shit.

Take care of you my friend... I so admire you and your success.

[Lostinspace]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull - that's so awesome that you're still (mostly) happily sober after all this time And you're right about drinking at social engagements. So often we think we're being more "charming and fun" when we drink with others, and at first we actually are, but as the night wears on, and we guzzle down more and more drinks, we become irritating at best, an embarrassing nightmare, at worst.

And I relate so much to feeling like you're faking your way through the world, being constantly afraid of saying the wrong thing, etc. You wouldn't know it, considering how long-winded I am here but I'm actually a very shy and reserved person in real life for very much those same reasons. In fact, even when I was just drinking less, and especially since I've been completely AF, I even have trouble talking to friends and family on the phone. People I've known for years, or even my whole life, no longer feel safe to talk to.

It's great that you're working on this. Feeling connected to others is one of the most important things in life and one of the most important things for feeling safe in this world. I don't have any great advice since I obviously haven't gotten over this hurdle myself, but you can rest assured that most people, to some degree or another, probably feel like impostors themselves. We're all in this insecure world together. And from what I've seen, you're a wonderful person with a lot to offer. Don't be afraid to show the real you to others

Zooey - so glad to see you're still sticking with it. And don't worry too much about the drinking right now. It's not at all unusual for people to initially drink even more as they're titrating up. You're still on a pretty low dose. There's lots of room for improvement. And if you'd like, please do come join the party over on my thread

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks Spirit for the kind words, and those great A.A. Milne posts. Love that

BK thanks for writing! Sounds like you're having good days with your kids and fam, and that's awesome! I hope you continue to work on minimizing drinking nights and maximizing sober/family ones. I relate to what you're saying about weekend drinking dates and especially holidays. Back when I first forced my first 30 Days AF, I was kinda overwhelmed withe the fact that it'd mean TGiving and Xmas sober, and that seemed unthinkable... but I just decided to just force it to be that way and I'm glad I did. They become less boring and unbearable, and normal, pretty quickly once you have a couple under your belt. Nowadays holidays don't necessarily and automatically mean drunken nights for me anymore like they used to.

And glad that you're back in the gym- I find weighlifting/sweating so essential to keeping a healthy emotional/mental state! Keep it going my friend

Lis- Yep... after some time of reflection I do think I'm looking back at those drunken "charming/fun" times more accurately now, as "charming/fun for a while, but man, that guy really doesn't know when to stop and he's so hard to be around for long..." I am now embarassed and cringe to think how I acted so many many occasions. That, plus remembering the physical, emotional, and mental state of feeling so sick, anxious, depressed, mortified for 2 or 3 days, sometimes even up to 4, often helps keep me on the right track going forward.

I too am a pretty shy and reserved person, mostly due to social anxiety and beliefs I need to work on such as I mentioned above. Its's so hard. I used to only call family or friends when I was drinking, as that was the only time I felt chatty and talkative. Now I talk on the phone much much less than I used to, but when I do, the conversations are much more authentic.

You're right, feeling connected to the good people in this world is so important, and I really need to make a practice of it. I'm trying to be more proactive and positive in this regard.

Best to all!

[Eloise]

Skullbaby's Progress

I have a lot of respect for you Skull and hope to reach phase 2 and be ready to take that next step too. We are all behind you wishing you the best.

[Cassander]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1696838 wrote: ... there are occasions that seem tougher, such as social engagements where everyone around me is drinking, or hangouts where I know I'd be much less anxious and inhibited, and maybe even more charming and fun, if I were to imbibe. But I keep remembering how those charming hours always morphed into drunken embarassing episodes and then 2 to 3 days of horrendous hangover anxiety, sick days missed from work, etc. So in light of that reality, a few social/work gatherings where I feel anxious is still preferable.

...

Skull -- great post...all of it, not just the excerpt I pasted above. I totally agree with your analysis and your approach. I think you are going about it just right. FWIW, and I hope you will find this helpful, I have felt social anxiety my whole life, too, and almost always needed a drink or five to relax in a group social setting. Then I had lots of fun! Until...

When I quit drinking (six years ago), initially, I had a fair amount of trouble with work-related social events where alcohol was being served, and especially with business dinners where some Type A alpha dog was leading the cocktail and wine orders. In the case of social events I would often simply not go. At the business dinners I would whisper my non-alcoholic drink order to the waiter and on a couple of ignominious occasions I would order a real drink or beer or glass of wine and just nurse it indefinitely. All of this created quite a bit of social anxiety.

The good news now -- six years later -- is that I am well into Phase 2 as you call it, and the anxiety described above has mostly disappeared. I go to social events -- at work and in the community -- and don't give two thoughts to not drinking or to who hears me ordering a diet coke or ginger ale. Simply don't care. Hardly anybody bothers to ask why I'm not drinking and I don't bother to give an explanation. When you think about it there can be a million reasons not to order a drink and a lot of them are nobody's business. In fact most people seem to get this and don't ask the question.

I attribute a big part of the increasing equanimity that I feel in this Phase 2 to regular exercise -- five times a week or more, and my increasing success in establishing better diet, sleep and work habits now that I have replaced hangover-inducing alcohol with endorphin-inducing exercise. I've tried, too, to practice a simplistic version of mindfulness where I avoid obsessing about guilty feelings about the past or indulging in anxiety about the future. I simply tell myself not to go to that place in my brain and think about something else, pleasant, in the present. It seems to work. Not always, but way more than when I was regularly self-medicating my stress and anxiety with alcohol.

Life's not perfect but its a whole lot better than it was. I hope you will find this encouraging and stay the course. Life can be good.

Best,

Cass

[Cassander]

Skullbaby's Progress

spiritwolf333;1696860 wrote:

?You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.?
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

?When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.?
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

And one of my favorites:

?Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called.?

Great quotes, Spirit

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hey Skull-

I am so proud of you and your progress.. It makes me think a lot about trying to find a doc to prescribe bac for me. I have such a hard time on prescript drug tho it makes me hesitant. I have had such adverse effects from most I have tried.. They feel harder on my body that AL itself.

I did end up drinking on Saturday. To be honest I wasn't feeling to well & I was trying to be festive at the event we were at.
One of the gals in our group was completely trashed and I was trying to help her out. So silly trying to reason with a drunk person. I felt really bad for her.
I felt this sort of sad compassion maybe because I know to well where she was at.
Anyway..

I am off to an AF week again only to dread the Labor Day weekend as I know I will drink at least one of the nights. In fact.. I would be happy if I could choose one night & call it done. I would like to make it a goal but I did not make my AF weekend this last weekend like I had hoped.

I am hoping that with AF week days will start spilling over to the weekend. I feel it's part of a progress. Usually after a night of drinking it's pretty hard not to want to drink the next day and the thought did cross my mind but I batted it away fairly easy.

Sometimes the heavy-ness in my heart that I can not beat this wears on me. But I will keep trying cause that's all I can do.

Wish all a warm and wonderful day.

[bleep]

Skullbaby's Progress

Epic post skull. Awesome stuff.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hi all, I'm back after a long weekend holiday. Copying/pasting from the Sober September thread-

I spent a lovely weekend with my GF, celebrating her 40th bday with an island getaway. She had wine, I had coffee and iced tea. Part of me did want to drink but I knew that hangovers would ruin the vacation so I was able to move past it. I'm happy now with how it went. I'm happy now to be back to regular life and regular posting here on MWO.

I'm less than 60 days shy of a year sober now, so why not go for it? I can always drink after that, if I want to that badly...

It was nice to be on vacation and not drink, mostly because it was nice to not have that desperate feeling of "oh shit only half a beer left, where's the waiter, where's the liquor store, what time is it, can I still buy more, blah blah blah " and not really be present in the moment with my GF. All that drunk monkey chatter, the addiction only worrying about refeeding itself, is always so tiresome. And of course, I was happy to not be hungover all day long, too anxious and sick to get off the couch and to go do the activities that I'd planned- whale watching boat tour, horseback riding, and touring aboard an old 1800's style sailing ship, complete with booming cannons. All stuff my GF has wanted to do for months, I'd booked those activities, and if I was hungover I would have missed them... my GF would have had to go on her own, by herself, to all her birthday activities. How sad that would have been. Either that, or in the chance that I could have accompanied her, I would have been sick and anxious, hating life, gritting my teeth through each moment while pretending to enjoy it.

Anyway, I'm happy with how it went. She had a lovely time and felt truly loved and cherished, and we had lots of laughs and took lots of great pics. Sober life truly is so much better, even though I sometimes think otherwise- I know that's just my addiction trying to break me. Life is good.

Best to all!

[kronkcarr]

Skullbaby's Progress

skull,

😎😄😃😀😊

Well done.

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

I answered over on the other thread... but had to stop here so I didn't miss anything..

Giant HIGH FIVE buddie!!!