Here we go again

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

Lost a post at 4am and haven't had the heart to redo it. ugh. But I'm really excited for you, LIS! Sounds like a lovely weekend.

There's some completely absurd anecdotal "evidence" I'd like to share...Shortly after I stopped drinking against my will I started cleaning house--literally and figuratively. It's not an uncommon side effect (ahem). In fact, my first night contentedly sober, I was cleaning my apartment when I got my first phone call from a MWO friend. That was so cool. She was drunk, I was sober, which actually makes for a really interesting perspective when one is brand new to the experience. But that's a whole 'nother story. (She was my first friend here, actually. We arrived in the Newbies Nest on the very same night! And sadly, she's still drinking and completely miserable. But I digress. Again.)

Another silly thing: Teeth brushing. How's your dental hygiene? :H

[bkyogagurl]

Here we go again

I'm still reading... Busy day but wanted to touch base.

Hi Ne!! Good to see you too. I recently had an experience where one of my friends called me and needed me. She was drunk & it was interesting to talk with her whole I was sober.

Kronk- I was pretty sore after my run. Good luck on your 5k. I am thinking that I may start reverting back to running more and lifting less..

Stuck- to be very honest I LOVE your posts because they are so personal and real. It shows how very *normal* we are as people. We have this alcoholic thing looming over us but underneath that we are real people with real lives.

I am cruising along today and have already been thinking about ways to get thru this weekend sober. I just want to do it. It seems so easy to talk about on Monday but after being sober all week and feeling good I start thinking about drinking.. You know the game.

Anyway Mondays always keep me running with shopping & kids so I'm off to pick them up.

Warm hugs to all.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

That's awesome, bk, that you came in 2nd in your age group on a 10k - very impressive! It's also awesome that you're not letting that little blip on the sobriety radar steer you off course from your goals. Just keep working towards the life you want

Don't worry about writing too much, Stuck. I love hearing the blow-by-blow account of your days. It lets me into your world That sounds like kind of a stressful weekend, though. I can't deal with crowds, either. And to have it follow you home into your own neighborhood with that music festival and baseball game - ugh!! I hope you're having a much quieter start to the week.

Thanks, kronk. Life really is good right now. I would say that it feels like a dream, but my dreams have been pretty nightmarish recently :H I keep having drinking dreams - dreams about getting completely trashed and making a total ass of myself, then dealing with the aftermath, dreams about bottles, bottles everywhere, and scurrying around to try and hide them all before someone sees them, etc. Thank god my dreams are the only bad thing in my life at the moment.

My dental hygiene is just fine, Ne :H The housecleaning thing was a surprise to me. Of course, having someone to clean with made it a whole lot easier to start off. But once I got going with it, I didn't want to stop. It felt really good watching my pigsty of a home transform into something nice. It's amazing to me how much that little bit I had been drinking up until last Thursday had been holding me back from feeling alive. I might have been drinking a pretty small amount compared to what I was, but I was still a total sloth. These past few days, I'm starting to feel like I have too much energy. I'm not sure what to do with it all.

Anyway, I had a much nicer start to the work week. My boss came back from vacation, so I no longer have to cover for him. Plus, it's only a two day week for me I have a week of vacation time starting on Wednesday. It'll mostly be a staycation, but my husband will be taking Friday off. We decided that we're gonna go on a mini-backpacking trip. We have a pretty extensive trail system throughout the region we live in, with plenty of places to camp out for the night along the way. So we're going to pick a section of trail and go hike and spend a night in the woods on Friday into Saturday.

Today was otherwise pretty smooth. I wanted to drink a little bit earlier today, but not because of any real cravings. It was more of a vague longing for times past and missing that warming fog. I'm sure it takes a while to let it go completely. It passed by the time I left work, though. Day 5 AF for me and still feeling good. I hope you're all having a good night out there :l

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

I'm feeling pretty down tonight - no idea why. This is the first night of my week-long vacation from work. I've been waiting, excitedly, for this moment for quite a while. Now that it's here, it's pretty anticlimactic. I have a bunch of things planned for my week off, some of which will be fun, and others which will just make me feel better once I've gotten them done. I'm sure I'll brighten up once I get into doing things, but right now I just feel like crying for no particular reason. Strangely enough, I don't feel like drinking that bottle of vodka I still have to cheer myself up. Maybe this really is the switch? Anyway, I hope you're all having a good one.

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Sorry, Lis. 1) Feeling down sucks, especially for no apparent reason. 2) It is completely normal. I hope you take the night to just relax after working so hard lately, both at work and in other aspects of your life.

I've just finished 2 days of teacher orientation that was both annoying and not particularly helpful. I mean, it was good to kind of shock the system and get me back to thinking about teaching again, but it certainly didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. And I don't know about you guys, but you ever have those orientations for things you already knew that left you feeling like you knew *less* about the subject than you did before? Yeah, well.

So it was BS. And I was getting up at 7 am yesterday and today, which I know isn't early for the rest of you people () but it is for me, and especially when I *have* to get up. Knowing there's an alarm set and something I need to be in the morning gives me anxiety, even though I was on time both days. I've been trying to limit my drinking as well. Two 24oz cans of beer and a small bottle of whiskey. Doing OK with that, more or less.

Anyway, so I'm about ready for my class and I have the next 2 days off and then the weekend before the real shitshow of the semester starts. Going to put the final touches on my syllabus this afternoon then go to some bar trivia later. Fun fun fun...

Have a good one, everybody. Big hugs :l:l

[bkyogagurl]

Here we go again

Lost.. I'm sorry you are feeling down. I know what you mean... When I took a month and 1/2 off from drinking I thought rainbows and butterflies would be in my backyard and I would lose 20 lbs...
Neither happened... I'm not sure where the emotions come from but I do know there will be quite a few you feel now that you aren't drinking that can be uncomfortable to feel.

To be honest.. I'm feeling a swirl of emotion myself. We took some family photos that I just had a chance to view... I have never felt so fat & ugly. Sad. I was by no means a supermodel when I was younger but aging and things are taking it's toll and it bummed me out.
Running provided me with a slim figure for a long time so when I stopped I gained a few... But now I will be back on the road.
For Sure!

My mind is telling me that I can't expect to look any different after months of sloth & drinking.

I really hope your evening has improved and maybe your husband was able to bring a little cheer.

Good for you Stuck.. Keeping your drinking in check. I doubt I could have the discipline to do such a thing. I have tried when I have had to get up early for things & failed miserably only to wake up with a hangover and mess to deal with.. That s a rule for me now... No drinking on school nights or for events that my kids need me present at...

I'm feeling funky... Be back later

[wes]

Here we go again

I get very emotional on baclofen. I've never really heard of many reporting that SE but its one of many mental SEs I get. The crushing boredom of being AF I also find very hard. Getting off work for a week would be a green light for me to hit the booze.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

Good morning!

Bk, it's amazing to me how my perception of my own appearance changes dramatically based on how I'm feeling inside. Annoying but true for me that the mirror and the scale reflect very well when I've got my stuff together, and very poorly when things feel out of control. Running and lifting help all of it, I suppose. I dunno. I'm still huffing and puffing a block at a time. pffft.

LIS! Congrats on even more AF time. So, so awesome. CBT and mindfulness really helped me get a handle on the emotional roller coaster. Honestly, I started each day eagerly, but was often exhausted and emotionally spent by the end of the day. That still happens, actually, though less so. It freaked me out to have the variance! But I just decided to attach to the good and know that sleeping and waking up to a new dawn will make everything okay. I hope there's something like that for you, because it can be a topsy-turvy time.

Stuck, omg. I'm freaking out about starting school. FREAKING OUT. SO MUCH I DIDN'T GET DONE...Okay, sorry to shout. (I know this is LIS's thread, but it seems like the hangout space so I'm just gonna lay it all out.) I've decided to go ahead with the EMT certification and I'll be in the condensed program. 8-5 Mon thru Fri. Do you know the last time I had to do something for 9 hours a day, 5 days a week? Never. 44 years and 11 mos old and I've never had a 9-5 job. And pilates (to pad the GPA/credits) on M/W from 7:30 to 8:50 PM. PM! I'm generally in bed by 9.
Wtf am I gonna do? (Yes, I'm fully aware that I'm pathetic for freaking out about things that other people do naturally. Whatever. What's new?)

Back to regularly scheduled programming...

EDIT: To be perfectly clear, I've had a job before. :H It's just that even my most demanding jobs when I worked all-the-time had flexibility. (I started my working life as a cocktail waitress in a bar. No surprise there. One of the highlights of promotion into management and sales was the ability to drink for free.)

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

wes;1695620 wrote: I get very emotional on baclofen. I've never really heard of many reporting that SE but its one of many mental SEs I get. The crushing boredom of being AF I also find very hard. Getting off work for a week would be a green light for me to hit the booze.

Yes, I agree. On all counts! Not anymore, though. Lots of emotions, too! But I honestly don't know if that is a function of baclofen or (for me) new sobriety. I have definitely had the experience of being hyper-emotional simply because I was drinking less or in the brief periods of life when I was completely sober. Drinking numbs everything.

I've tried to drink because I'm bored, and I've tried to drink because I'm on vacation and it was the thing to do for many, many years. It doesn't work anymore. Hang in there.

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Sounds like you'll be busy, Ne! You'll make it through.

Bar trivia and karaoke afterwords. And today I'm dealing with problems with my printer and I think I have to take it in. This is not great timing, as there are things I really need to print. So I'd better probably get on that this afternoon. Also I want to head to Target and pick up a few things for my office. With what money, I have no idea. It also wouldn't be a bad idea to get a massage. As much as the girl is a real trooper and tries to massage my back and shoulders, my back is a disaster and could use some professional attention. Again, where that money would come from... Ugh.

You sound like you're really hanging in there, Lis. I hope the low feeling clears up and you can enjoy your vacation. :l

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Thanks, Stuck. I did take the night to relax and am starting to enjoy my vacation today - somewhat. And I give you kudos for being able to teach classes like that. I would be $h!tting bricks at the orientation just thinking about it. I know some people do it for a living, but the thought of standing up in front of a room full of students, not once, but day after day (or in your case, more likely a couple times a week) makes me want to run for the hills screaming. You've got a lot more courage than I do. And it's good to hear that you're having some success with limiting your drinking. I hope you can use these last few days before the semester begins to have some fun and relax - once you get your printer fixed that is.

I agree, bk. It definitely can be uncomfortable to have to sit with emotions that I normally would drink myself out of. I'm sorry you're in a whirlwind of emotions yourself. And I'm sure you're being too hard on yourself with the photos. We're all our own worst critic. I recently saw pictures of myself at a family wedding reception and wanted to puke. When I commented to my husband about how awful I looked, he pointed out everyone else and how they weren't really flattering pictures for any of us. When I looked closer, he was right. I just didn't notice that before because I was too busy fixating on how hideous I was. Ne's also right - your perception of how you look is probably influenced by how you're feeling about yourself in general right now. I hope you can learn to make your perception match the awesome person that you are

wes - that's interesting that you mention being emotional as a SE of bac. I've been kind of moody the last several weeks. For the most part, I'm a lot happier than I used to be. But often times I'll go from being completely high on life, seeing nothing but beauty in the world, to being sad and having an emptiness in the pit of my stomach, and getting tearful for no reason - all within a matter of hours. I wasn't sure what to make of it. Maybe it is a SE.

And I'm trying my best to combat the boredom. Thanks to bac, I've had very little inclination to drink the past several days, but I don't want to tempt fate. I'm making sure to keep busy this vacation. I'm allowing myself time to just sit around and relax, too, but I don't want to do it so much that I start to think that drinking would make things more interesting.

Thanks, Ne. Although I kind of feel like I don't deserve the "congrats," given how easy this whole thing has been. My previous attempts at staying sober were agonizing. Right now, there's not even a fight. But yeah, the emotional variance does freak me out a bit. I really do need to start practicing mindfulness. I said I was going to quite a while back, but seem to have forgotten.

And I would tell you not to worry about school, but that would make me a total hypocrite. I used to freak the f*€k out all semester long because I'm a neurotic perfectionist (which from what I've gathered, you are, too). But seriously, don't worry about the whole having to follow a regular schedule thing. You get into a rhythm pretty quickly and it's no big deal.

So today I was stuck indoors. It rained all day - and is supposed to keep on raining for the next two days. Grrrr! I may have to venture out and get wet just to get my walks in, as well as to catch the bus and actually go places. My husband and I have already decided to postpone our backpacking trip until later in the weekend because of the crappy weather. For today, though, I decided to tackle a project I've been avoiding forever - cleaning my "office." I say office in quotes because I haven't used the room for that purpose since I left grad school.

My husband and I only moved to this town in the first place so that I could start a PhD program at a nearby university. I ended up being forced to take medical leave and go to rehab for being a drunken loser. I never went back. My office has basically been an extra storage room and has been accumulating layer after layer of crap (and dust) ever since. It just stood there as a mocking monument of my failure. Well, I cleaned it all out, found a home for all the piles of stuff on my desk and on the floor, dusted, vacuumed, and turned it back into a functional room.

So nothing too exciting going on with me, but I did at least get that monstrous project out of the way, and that felt good. Oh, and another day of no drinking, and not even wanting to I hope you're all having a great night :l :l

[spiritwolf333]

Here we go again

HI Lost -sounds like things are good. Primarily, you don't want to drink, have no inclination to do so, you can ride a bus to get away, and you finished a huge project. Life is good -right?

[kronkcarr]

Here we go again

Hi Lis,

I've noticed some emotional things since I've been on bac. My first month and a half were wonderful. I slowed down, got a lot of insights, saw so much and was so content. Then I had the switching emotions you're talking about. For me, I'm not sure it's a SE. I may just be wired this way because it continues a year and a half later.

I drank so I wouldn't have to feel or deal so I really only knew 2 emotions when I stopped: happy and angry. It took me awhile to figure out how I felt when I stopped drinking excessively.

I've gotten better at sitting with how I feel and knowing that it'll change soon.

I'm sorry for your rain but it sounds like you're doing well. 👍

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

Lostinspace;1695869 wrote:
Thanks, Ne. Although I kind of feel like I don't deserve the "congrats," given how easy this whole thing has been. My previous attempts at staying sober were agonizing. Right now, there's not even a fight.
...
So nothing too exciting going on with me, but I did at least get that monstrous project out of the way, and that felt good. Oh, and another day of no drinking, and not even wanting to I hope you're all having a great night :l

hmmm. Let me see. You finished a project you have been putting off for years. And you have not had a drink in several days.

It is most definitely time for a happy dance. I'm doing one. I'm not trying to make you feel badly for not feeling great, but it's so, so, so important to *see* these changes and *know* that they are INCREDIBLE and that you have a choice in what you do and how you spend your time. It may seem effortless, but only if you forget what you've been through to get here. And you are making the choices, dammit. You. REJOICE, WOMAN. sheesh.

Okay. I'm done with that.

Here's the thing that struck me about your most recent posts, BK. I know that if I came in 2nd in my age group, I would feel like I wasn't very good for not coming in first. And if I had come in first, I would automatically think (without even realizing it) that I really should be able to come in first in the age group below mine. Which, I would realize, isn't really possible. Then I would decide, again subconsciously, that I needed to work much harder or just...quit. I usually quit without even trying in the first place. Or at least I used to. I'm not sure that's true anymore. Anyway, it seems like maybe you could rejoice, too, BK. Coming in second means that your body is really strong, that you're in great shape, and it's very likely that you are very thin. (I've never seen a pudgy runner, have you?) Getting older does suck. Or it can. I have decided to embrace it. I'll let you know how that works out. :H (After all, what choice do we have? Would I really opt for plastic surgery? Why is it so important to me to look...alluring? It's easy to be attractive, but hard to be stunning. Who am I trying to stun? And why? Deep thoughts. pfffft. )

Hope it's a good day, peeps. I'm off to make the donuts.
:l

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Life really is good, Spirit At times it's uncomfortable, as I learn how to move through stress and the lows, without an escape. But I already feel light years away from the sad, desperate woman I was a few months ago.

Thanks for relating your experience, kronk. Maybe it is just me and not a bac SE. I drank heavily for so many years that I'm really not sure what my emotional baseline is like. Either way, I guess it just takes some practice to learn to sit with the bad.

Thanks, Ne. I will *try* to do a happy dance. And those were some good words of wisdom you gave to bk, but I do take exception to the whole getting older sucking thing at your fairly young age. Granted, I'm only 36, but I have no plans to be old at 44. There will be nothing to embrace other than enjoying a continuation of my relative youth I'm glad you're ok with it too, though (and I hope you know I'm just playfully picking on you).

Anyway, I had some brief pangs of wanting to drink late last night, but it wasn't all that hard to brush them aside. I'm not sure I'm at my true switch dose yet. After reading what Bleep wrote about the range of indifference over on neophyte's thread, I recognize myself as being at the lower end of that range. I have no aversion to alcohol whatsoever. I know if I tried drinking today, I would have no trouble continuing. I did, after all, stop drinking because I forced myself to take a break from it, not because I just didn't want to anymore.

However, looking back on this past week, I'd say that most of the time I truly didn't want to drink at all. And when I did, it was quite easy to talk myself out of it, and the urge passed quickly. I think, given that I've had no SEs and have had a pretty smooth ride so far, I'll just stick to the dose I'm on. If I ever find myself getting back into trouble with drinking, I'll consider going higher. For now, I'm pretty happy where I'm at.

Well, it's time to get ready to go to the hairdresser so I can get this unruly rat's nest chopped down into something presentable. I hope you all have a good one :l :l