Here we go again

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

StuckinLA;1705169 wrote: I miss that warm glow of the first couple drinks. It comes and goes - sometimes things are great with a few drinks, sometimes not - both on baclofen and off, in my opinion. It must almost certainly have a lot to do with mindset. We know that alcohol amplifies rather than changes mood, and like any drug the expectations you have going in really affect the experience. When I'm worried or anxious about my drinking, the first drinks make my anxiety much worse rather than better. When I'm not thinking too much about it at all, it seems to be falling back into habit, the drinks tend to feel better.

That makes so much sense, Stuck. The last two times I was really conflicted about drinking. But yesterday, by the time I left work, I decided not to even bother fighting the cravings and just go with the flow. That's probably why I got the pleasant glow. And, ugh! Staying up all night drinking is the worst, but at least you got a chance to sleep in the morning before facing the day. I hope you're feeling better today after just maintaining yesterday. Glad to hear that things are going as well as can be expected with your girlfriend's father. And sorry about all the rabbit poop and grossness. It can build up pretty fast. Those little herbivores are tiny pooping factories with all the fiber they eat :H

I know what you mean about being interested in the mindsets of mountaineers, kronk. Although for me it's not the physical discomfort they endure (I've had plenty of that in my own backpacking trips), but rather the death-defying things they often do to achieve their goals. People who do things like ice climbing in high winds and subzero temperatures, or navigating over and around deep crevasses (i.e. potential death pits) in glaciers that may be obscured by snow, are fascinating to me. My mountain adventures were never anywhere near that extreme. The Everglades are also fascinating to me as their own unique landscape. But I can't really see running or kayaking there as I'm terrified of alligators. For some reason, gigantic bears who could tear me apart limb by limb if I react the wrong way in their presence, I'm fine with. But giant cold-blooded, stealthy reptiles? Nuh-uh. I'll leave that environment to you :H

Well, I'm gonna go start my day. I've been lazy enough for a Saturday morning. I'll be back later. I hope you all have a good one!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

Have you guys read Song of the Dodo? Or Born to Run? Love both of those books.

Lis, cravings are just that. They're a function of brain chemistry, not will power. Remember all of those days when you woke up and thought, "Not today! I just can't. I won't. Today I WILL NOT DRINK!" and then by mid-morning you were already planning/having your first drink...

This is a disease. It's an illness. It's NOT a choice, Lis. Baclofen gives you a choice, eventually.

The other side of that is this: meh. It's one night. I don't mean to make light of it, but you can't really expect to wake up one day and that from that point forward the beast never raises it's ugly head again. That's not the way it works. (Even for those who experience "a switch", it doesn't happen like that. I've never met, talked to, heard from or about anyone that doesn't drink again ever. That's why people use other tools and medications [like antabuse or AA or whatever...] to stay completely and totally abstinent.) At this point, I'm not scared of a few drinks and what impact that has on me and my long term goals and health. (Okay, I'm a little scared. Alcohol addiction is an evil burden, and it behooves me/us to be more than a little wary. Even with HDB and 3++ years.) That's one of the reasons I think it might be a good idea to share what you're going through--on a meta level--and the actual disease process, with your husband. It's a long journey. And contented sobriety/life is a moving target.

Alrighty, I'm already 10 minutes late and it's only 5am. Long day in the ER today, about which I'm really excited. I hope I get to see lots of exciting stuff. And maybe do something interesting. A couple more things, though. (Of course.)

You are not doomed. Ha. hahahaha. I laugh (or grin, anyway) because even now I wonder if this is somehow going to wear off and I'm going to revert back to that miserable sot I used to be. But I figure that I've never in my adult life been sober for anything close to this, and the proof is in the time. Also in the contentedness. Also, booze doesn't work for me anymore. Sometimes I get the warm glow. It's lovely. But usually the next drink extinguishes it and suddenly I'm nauseous or feeling tipsy, both of which are equally unpleasant. It's very...normal. (I guess?)

There's some other stuff I want to write about, stuff you posted on another thread. And a follow up to stuff you said a couple of days ago. But I can't right now, I'll probably forget, and then it'll be too late. Just know that I'm carrying you with me throughout the day and sending vibes for peace and contentedness your way.

You too, Stuckaroo. And BK.
Hope it's a good day, peeps.

:l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

I'm with you about the predators, too. Not that 'gators bother me much. But I'll take a mammal over a reptile or fish any day. And I also prefer urban predators over country predators, any day. :H

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

I have read "Born to Run." It was actually when I was in detox one time. It was one of the books the hospital had available for patients - excellent read! And thanks so much for the encouragement, Ne. It really helps to know that this is something that everyone, even people who have reached their switch, go through from time to time. For all I know, 160 mg might turn out to be my switch, given enough time. It definitely seems like it most days.

And I know I really should open up to my husband about how things are going for me these days. Last night I strongly considered doing just that, but as I was trying to think of the right words, and the best way to start the conversation, I was suddenly paralyzed by fear and started to panic. I decided to chicken out for yet another night and went back to join him in the living room for some lighthearted conversation. I'm building up to it, though. One of these days I'll have the guts to talk to him. Anyway, I hope you got to have the exciting day in the ER that you were hoping for

So this weekend was a total waste. Besides grocery shopping and laundry, I've done absolutely nothing besides sit on my ass, read and watch tv. It's funny, when I was drinking that's all I ever did (minus the reading) and I was totally fine with it. But now that I've been given a new lease on life I feel guilty squandering my free time like this. I need to remind myself that it's ok to just relax; not every weekend has to be an adventure. I'll have to find some new things to entertain myself in the coming months, though, as I'm now a football widow. My husband has been in his man cave since noon, watching the games. And the Giants lost yet again, so he's not even happy, but that's a side note. Anyway, I hope you all have a great night :l

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Well, I figured it was finally time to pick a picture for my avatar. I never minded not having one before, but now that my name was showing up next to a shadow person, it just seemed too weird not to have one. To be honest, the reason I never chose one at first was because I couldn't figure out how. I was drunk when I set up my profile and it was just too complicated for my liquor logged brain. I'll probably change it as time goes on, but orangutan babies are just so gosh darn cute I couldn't resist for now.

This new format is going to take some getting used to. I wish there were a way to jump directly to the last page of a long thread like I used to, specifically for my thread. On other long threads it's a minor inconvenience, but on my thread it forces me to have to glimpse my very first post. It's not such a bad thing to read through the beginning of my thread every once in a while just to see how far I've come. But when I see that first post, I instantly remember how desperately sad I was at the time, and how full of shame I was even posting here. It's not an especially bad post, it's more just the associations I have with it since I know how things were at the time when I posted that. I really would prefer not to have to see that every time I post here. Oh well, I guess I'll eventually get used to it and learn to block it out like so many other bad things in my memory.

Anyway, format changes aside, I've been kind of freaking out about my job the last week or so, and today I'm in full on panic mode. I'm getting bad vibes from certain people and feeling an overall sense that the powers that be are not happy with me for reasons that are too long and complicated to explain. It might be all in my head, but I really don't think so. Plus there's a particular backstabbing a**hole there who got a really awesome woman fired last Spring simply because she didn't like her, and I know she's not too keen on me either. I don't really know what to do. I'm not driving yet, so I'm not really in a great position for finding other jobs. I really can't afford to lose the one I've already got.

I finished my work early today and left (as almost all other people do as soon as they finish), but I feel like I should have stayed late and volunteered my services in another lab that's currently busier than ours. This is especially true since said backstabber works in the lab that's busy right now, and I know she saw me leaving without asking if they could use any help. But as much as she scares me, I just can't bring myself to help her with anything because I hate her so much for getting this other woman fired. So rather than getting to enjoy my early departure and having extra time, I ended up being torn and regretting it, and having a panic attack. I took a xanax this afternoon for the first time in I don't even know how long. Ugh!!

On the bright side, even with all the fear and drama going on inside my head right now, I have absolutely no desire to drink to take the edge off. Well, that's enough bitching out of me for one evening. I hope you all have a great night!

EDIT: I can't figure out how to use the emojis on this new format. Is there something different you have to do now, or is it because I'm typing from my iPhone and don't have all the benefits of a standard keyboard/computer?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

A very quick note from me before I take an exam: I know the emojis on the other site were a little wonky at first. I also don't like having to type in the page number. Oh, the waste of time!!! But actually, it is annoying and I definitely don't like reading my own thread.
Also, please do me a huge personal favor and just sit tight with those emotions about work and don't act on them right away. It is not an uncommon experience...and it might behoove you to give it a couple of days or so...
xxoo

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

I'm still figuring out the new bits of the site as well. So far I've discovered that on the far right of the "topics" page there's a last post part - and next to the person's name who posted there's a TINY blue box. If you click on that little blue box it will take you to the most recent page of the thread.

Also, I didn't post an avatar picture until after my 1,000th post.

Well, not much going on here. The girl is still at home, her dad's still in ICU, and they're taking things day by day. It's about 100 degrees here, a little more maybe. I don't have central air, but do have a small unit in the bedroom that will cool the room down into the mid-80s. It's been a motherfucker trying to stay hydrated. Water just isn't cutting it anymore, so I've added pedialyte. Drinking is going on, but more or less minimal. Anyway, that's it from me for now. Gonna call the girl and then probably go down to the bar for some a/c.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

Stuck, man, that sucks about the heat/ac. The downside of having such glorious weather most of the time is that you all don't have all the stuff we live with daily. I freeze every time I visit my family in SF. They're under the impression that 67 degrees is normal. ("Put on a sweater!") I hope the heat breaks soon.

I'm really sorry that your girlfriend's father isn't doing well. I really hope he pulls through.

I have another grueling day, then a break for a couple of days before it starts again. Whew. But I gotta say, all of this busy-ness is really good for me. I am loving school again. It's not just the mental stuff, though. I've been getting a ton of exercise just walking to and from class, and up and down 3 flights of stairs. It's made me realize just how sedentary I have been. (Which brings to mind, Lis, that you must do a ton of walking just getting around.)

I didn't mean to make light of your situation at work, Lis. It is not that the situation you're experiencing isn't unique or real. But it is a sort of truth that many of us go through an experience where we get very...disturbed...about work (and other aspects of life) shortly after sobriety takes hold. This is really a time of upheaval, chemically/emotionally/spiritually (or whatever).

So Song of the Dodo is about Darwin and evolution and it is a wonderful book. Definitely in my top 5 favorites, actually. I would really love some recommendations for non-fiction. I don't read anything too disturbing. No end of the world scenarios. No horror stories about how much life sucks (like The Lost Boys). And I've read enough memoirs about overcoming addiction etc. to last me (and 5 more people) a lifetime. Any suggestions?

Which reminds me, I read a great article yesterday and thought of you guys. I'll post it later.

It's 4 am and I've got to go make the donuts.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

And I really dig your new Avatar. I used to agonize over that decision. ha! But it seems so...important. Especially in the old format, where it was much bigger.

I've been meaning to post a pic of the puppy. Maybe some time next year after I've figured out how to do that...

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Thanks for the tip, Stuck. It's nice to be able to skip right to the last page again. (Although I see the directions are now posted as a thread - I guess everyone was having problems with it). I'm so sorry to hear things are still touch-and-go with your girlfriend's father. I'm sending good wishes for a positive outcome. And wow - 100 degrees at this time of year?! We're already in the upper 50s/lower 60s during the warmest part of the day where I live. I hope the heat wave passes for you soon.

That's great that you're loving school so much again, Ne. Mental challenges combined with being more active is definitely a winning combination for feeling happier and more engaged in life. And yeah, I do end up walking quite a bit just to get around. That's one thing I'll have to keep in mind when I start driving again, because whether it's a forced part of my commute or something I do just for fun, walking is really good for mental health.

And I'm really not sure what to make of the work situation. It is possible that the emotional weirdness of early sobriety is playing into the intensity of my unease at work, and the negativity I perceive in the higher ups' reactions to me, but I really do think there's more to it than that. I decided that I need to find ways to show more initiative in certain areas of my job and do more to prove my worth as an employee. But maybe I'm just not giving myself enough credit. I really don't know. I hate being so damn insecure and not always being able to distinguish what's really going on from what I fear is going on.

As for reading recommendations, I've actually enjoyed all the books I've read so far outside of the one on human evolution, but that's just because I already have a firm grasp on how evolution works, what it is and what it isn't. The book was largely aimed at dispelling common myths of evolution. Anyway, "Murderous Minds" was a really interesting read. Even though it deals with criminal psychopaths, it's not really disturbing at all. It mostly deals with what's been found about the differences in their brains, rather than what they did. It does go there somewhat, though, so steer clear if you think that would bother you. "Out on a Limb" was really good, too. That's the one on black bears. It's written by a man who has raised orphaned bears and followed them and their wild peers in the woods of New Hampshire for 20 years. He has a lot of great insights on bear societies and how they communicate with each other. They're not the solitary, simplistic creatures that many people seem to think they are. Anyway, I hope your exam today went well

I'm still trying to figure out the emoji thing. Sadly, I can no longer give hugs. I can't type it because the straight down slash on my iPhone is longer and doesn't work. It's like this - :| And when I click on the icon that brings up all the emojis, it doesn't allow me to actually choose one. I'm not sure what I'll do now in this new hugless world. Oh well, I'll figure it out. I hope you all have a great night!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

Three days! Dude. That's too long!

I decided to read the book my neighbor lent me a month or so ago. It's Dr. Mary's Monkey, I think. He's a conspiracy theorist and can go off on rather detailed rants about the ways in which people in power are actively trying to turn us into bots or something, especially when he's saucy. But he was insistent that I read the book, since it's about healthcare and stuff. (I think.) I like him a lot, and think he's brilliant even though I also think he's a nut. He's one of us, which endears him further to me (when it's not totally irritating), so I think I'll read the damn book.

I did really well on the exam, and am really enjoying the class a lot. It's a totally different crowd than the people I've met in the nursing program, and honestly I like them a lot more. I also like walking around the building and seeing all the hottie rescue-type-peeps, especially when they're wearing their uniforms. What is that? But even without the shirts with fire station emblems on them, the rippling muskles underneath them are enough to notice. oy. I started to tell my husband about it and he reminded me that I might want to call a girlfriend. ha! It's not just the bodies, either. There's a level of confidence, combined with the fact that the ones I've actually talked to are really thoughtful and nice, that is endearing. (I'm not totally pollyanna about this, though. It's not like I'm trying to actually date any of them. Just some eye candy...Thank all that matters!) There's one guy in my class that must be an alcoholic, because he makes me a little weak in the knees. There's really nothing else about him that would turn me on. I mean, he's young-ish and in shape, but not my type at all. Honestly, I can pick us out of a line up based on my visceral reaction to 'em. Always have, and always will I guess. Weird.

I've got some statistics to catch up on, and the final for the class to prepare for, this weekend. My parents are coming next weekend for my birthday, (45! Holy shit!) And my house is a disaster area, so I'm going to be straightening like a banshee for the next two days. (We've got a maid coming. Because I can't keep up and I don't care about money at the moment. I just avoid looking at the budget so I don't have to think about how far over it I am. That sucks. I have spent A LOT of money in the last year. I attribute it to going down too far on baclofen, but that's a whole 'nother thread.)

I'm also going to navigate around here today and see if I can set it up the way I like. I'd like to respond to a bunch of threads I haven't had time for, and figure out the emojis. The other site, very similar to this one, didn't have a hug emoti at all. The computer wizard over there put one in for me, but I don't know if this site will even have that one. I'm surprisingly bummed about the lack of them.

Stuck, how are you and how's your girlfriend? I'll check the topa thread later! hahaha.

:l :l :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

OH! The hugs worked! YAY! They even look right! Thank you benevolent overlords!

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Hey Ne. That book sounds . . . interesting. Let us know if it's any good. I'm glad to hear that the exam went well and that you're enjoying the program as a whole so much. The eye candy is a nice benefit. Nothing wrong with that I know I've been absent recently. I've been feeling really shy and insecure about posting the last couple days for some reason. I keep typing responses to other threads only to delete them. Not sure what my issue is, but hopefully by posting this I'll start to get over it.

I drank last night and I'm not quite sure I'm ok with it, only because my reason for doing it really sucked. My husband had a friend over last night and we were all hanging out together. The two of them were smoking weed. I couldn't join in because of the possibility of an upcoming urine screen, so in order to make them less annoying to me, I finally broke into that bottle of vodka I've been keeping around. I didn't even want it up until that point - dumb reason to drink! Anyway, I gotta run, but I'll be back later. I still can't give hugs on my end for the reasons that I said before so I'll just give (((hugs))) all around. I hope you all have a good one.

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Uh, I am super super busy. Girl will be back Friday night. I'm presenting a paper at a conference Friday during the day, so spent yesterday afternoon and this morning writing it. Avoided my friend who's hardly even a friend anymore last night, because he's on a destructive path that does not lead to finishing conference papers or dissertations or cover letters by their deadlines. I figured whether or not I drink, whether or not I spend time working instead of going to a concert with him, it's better to be at home and put myself in a place where I can work.

I went to the grocery store - needed greens to feed the rabbits, and cereal - and wouldn't you know it Jim Beam was buy 1 fifth, get a second fifth for 10 cents. Jesus. I bought the last 2 bottles but put them in the cabinet and didn't touch them last night. Woke up a couple times with so much panic and feeling like I couldn't breathe, I ended up taking 1/2 an anxiety pill and finally got some sleep. I'm down to 5 of those left. Time to get back in to Student Health. Haven't been able to find my last doc in the online appointment thing, so I may be starting over. Need more Ativan but at the same time really really really do want to make a pitch to someone for this oxytocin nasal spray. We'll see how that will go.

Haven't really read back much, sorry. I'm not worried that you drank last night, Lis, but I am sorry that you're not sure how you feel about it. That's the tougher part. Hang in and see you around soon. :l

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Oh, and hugs are a lower-case L, as in Larry. Not a vertical slash thing whatever those are called.