Here we go again

[dundrinkn]

The way Mate was baiting and picking at the language that the questioner was using was so flippin' annoying. I am still stuck on it, and haven't gone back to watch anything else.

My mind is a scary place to live as well. Unfortunately, I haven't been so good at getting out and away from it. I woke up last week convinced I was going to die if I went back to sleep. So I didn't.

So I mentioned earlier that my partner has no idea that I have drank on and off for the last 7 years. I have been drinking this last week. Not a lot, but enough to feel better. So I'm going up on Bac -- hello tinnitus my old friend. The morning after I started drinking my partner says "welcome back". Meaning that I had been absent, and non-communicative and "not myself". I don't think I was like that the entire 100 days, but certainly the last 6 weeks were hell. I know the alcohol will only help my personality/mood for a short while before it takes it's toll, but it was interesting. I do feel like I am still digging my way out of being completely isolated over the last 6 weeks. And dealing with the fall out of that.

So going up on the Bac. At 100 mg. Hoping to actually hit a switch and maybe get some different kind of relief than just white-knuckle not drinking provides.

Lis -- how's the other thing going... not the drinking. I am concerned about that and your getting backed into a corner on the job thing.

[Lostinspace]

Ne - Thank you so much for the kind words. I’ve been in a really dark place recently and it’s hard not to assume that my terrible feelings towards myself are shared by everyone else. I will try to be more gentle with myself. I like your chemotherapy analogy, and I will try my best to focus on all that is good in the world in the meantime. And that’s so awesome that your next exam was postponed by a whole week I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time getting to sleep. I'm right there with you. It really does make everything seem so much worse, including introducing a whole host of irrational fears. I hope you get a good night's sleep tonight.

Stuck - I hope you’re doing OK, drinking aside. And please don't beat yourself up about that, either. You'll get there when you get there. Hang in there and thanks for checking in :hug:

dun - I understand all too well what it’s like to feel like you’re getting yourself back when you start to drink again after a period of abstinence - and to have other people think you’re doing better. Ironically, it’s often the same people who couldn’t stand your drinking to begin with, and gave you hell about it before. (Although, I’m not sure if that’s the case with your partner or not). I’m sorry you’re going through that, and that things have been so hard for you lately.

Going up on bac sounds like a good idea and, I could be entirely wrong in your case, but you may find the side effects to be more tolerable this time around. I’ve seen many people talk about side effects being more bearable after going down for a while, then beginning to titrate up again. It’s as if they’ve given their body more of a chance to get used to the medication in general, so higher doses aren’t as big of a deal. I very much hope this is the case for you as well. But if nothing else, it’ll give you a chance to get a handle on the drinking again before going back down to an easier dose.

As for the other thing, well, I did give in one more time after the last time I posted about it (just two days ago - doh!). But I’ve been doing pretty well at not being an idiot outside of that.

Other than that, I took a “sick” day from work today. At first it was because I just couldn’t bear the thought of going through another work day. But then I started to realize that at least part of my recent depression is likely due to (or greatly worsened by) the fact that I’ve barely slept at all the last five days. Sometimes when I’m unable to sleep at night, I feel like I really could fall asleep during the day if only I were given a chance. And I could - I slept for a good six hours combined (taken in a few long naps) this morning/afternoon.

Anyway, I’m still in a daze and feel like I can’t quite wake up. Hopefully, I’ll still be able to get at least some sleep tonight to continue restoring myself. It’s not all that unusual for me to have a sleep marathon, so to speak, after several days of barely sleeping at all. Another plus to taking the day off is that it’s forcing me to take an AF day. Since I’m feigning illness, there’s no good excuse to leave the house for anything. My husband works out of his shop in our home and, if there were really anything I needed, he would volunteer to go out and get it for me because he’s sweet like that.

As always, I will try to make this the start of an AF streak. Alcohol does absolutely no good for me when I’m sinking into a dark place (if it ever does do me any good). For the last several days, when I add alcohol to my sorry state, thinking it will get me out of my head, I instead become a mess of tears. And the sadness, self-flagellation, and hopelessness is magnified tenfold. I will try my best to remember that as I’m driving hopefully past, and not to, the liquor stores on tomorrow evening’s commute home.

Anyway, I hope you all have a great night :hug:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Oh, man. Great day in the hospital yesterday, but I feel like I got hit by a bus. Muscles, brains, the gamut. Wiped out. Good stuff, but man. And guess what? More than halfway through this damn quarter and I'm still plugging along. Wasn't sure that was going to happen, honestly.

Lis, so glad you posted. This is the place of first and last resort...Or rather, reaching out to people who get it is. More later. Just keep posting. Seriously.

Dun, I have two questions. Have you tried going up in smaller increments to see if that keeps the side effect from happening? And have you tried anything to combat the issue? I guess, in general, I think that preemptively preparing for SEs could be a solution for a lot of what ails us. That and understanding the SE. I still don't understand what that one is. I would really like to. It's intriguing.

I'm going to give up typing for a couple of hours since every other word is underlined in red. Good thing there's word correction on this site.

ciao.

[dundrinkn]

Hey Ne. The tinnitus goes away after a bit on the same dose. It doesn't bother me so much. What sucks is the searing leg pain in my joints when I squat down. Bending my legs hurts some, but squatting down with the weight of my body, is excruciating. It is in both legs and isn't stronger or more pronounced on either side. I take this as a good sign since bilateral nerve pain can be a symptom of bad stuff. It started after a while on Bac -- not right away. And diminishing some when I'm at 80mg rather than up in the 100s.

Collin thought it was alcoholic neuropathy. I don't for several reasons. First, I don't think I drank enough or consistently enough to cause that. And second, it only started after I was on the Bac for several months. Seems like once the drug built up in my symptom, it caused the problem.

I have a script for Gabapentin to try and help with it. There is evidence that it might help some, might help a lot, and might help none. An SE of gabapentin is weight gain. That I can't do. I am barely at a weight I am comfortable with. Adding to it isn't an option. Would rather have the leg pain. I guess vanity can be painful.

I am up at 100mg and didn't drink yesterday or today. I have the mind to, but not the craving to. When I think it all the way through, the taste isn't appealing. That is a sign for me that the Bac is working. Will stay here for a bit rather than push up. See how it goes.

Hope all is well with all of youz.

[Lostinspace]

Ne - I'm so glad to hear that you're still moving along this quarter, and looking forward to making it through to the end. I knew you could do it It's understandable that you feel your energy is sapped. It's not just stress that can bring us down - even really good things can drain you. I hope you got a chance to recuperate and can continue having great days.

dun - That's good to hear that at least the tinnitus goes away with time. I hope the gabapentin goes a long way in preventing any nerve pain before it begins. And since there's at least some evidence that it can be helpful for cravings, it might even have a synergistic effect with bac, making it even more effective. That would be a very welcome SE. I'm so glad to hear that you're already finding the increase helpful

The weight gain issue is frightening, I know. I don't know much about it with gabapentin in particular. But as far as I understand, most medications that cause weight gain do so by either increasing appetite, or causing lethargy, which leads to less movement, less exercise, and less total calories burned. The pill itself doesn't directly cause weight gain. Can you try to come up with some sort of game plan to combat it while you take it? Like being more mindful of what you eat, vowing to exercise a certain number of times a week, etc.?

I'm sorry if that's not very helpful. I've been on plenty of medications throughout my life that have lead to some weight gain, and I know it can sometimes be really difficult to prevent. But I've also been on medications that are notorious for causing weight gain (like the 100 mg of seroquel I take each night to help me sleep), and have not had any problems because I knew what I was getting into ahead of time, and made an extra effort to combat it. While I completely understand the unwillingness to gain weight - I've come off of meds in the past for exactly that reason - I would hate to think that you would have to suffer in exchange.

Anyway, I did end up drinking last night. The interesting thing is that my cravings were barely there - I think my recent dose increase might be starting to help (god I hope so!). The only reason I caved is because I was an absolute nervous wreck and didn't have the courage to face it. I need to work a lot harder on that.

The reason I was freaking out so bad (and still am) was because I got an e-mail from a prospective employer asking me to come in for an interview this coming Monday. You would think that's a good thing outside of the usual nerves associated with upcoming interviews. But for many reasons I'm not sure I want this job at all.

First of all, I think I'm grossly underqualified - and that's not lack of confidence - it's a realistic assessment of the fact that my skills and knowledge don't match up well at all with what I think this position is all about. Secondly, I don't think it's the kind of job I really want to do, again, based on what it sounds to me like the position entails.

I'm still gonna go on the interview to find out more about it, and to see if it might be sufficiently different from what I'm envisioning the position is, based on the limited information I have. But I really don't trust myself. I'm so desperate to get out of my current job, and this is the first position that's come up in the last month that I actually met the minimum qualifications to apply for. I'm afraid that if I'm offered the job, especially if the pay is substantially more than I make now, that I'll end up taking it, because I have a long history of making impulsive, bad decisions like that.

Again, this job could be different from what I think it is, so it's worth it to go and find out more about it to see if it would be a positive move for me. If it's not, I really need to stick to my guns, turn down any offer given, and just rely on faith that if I keep looking, the right job will eventually materialize. The consequences for giving in would be really bad - anything from simply being miserable at my new job, to getting fired for not catching on quickly enough and showing my incompetence.

In the meantime, I need to do my best to prepare well for the interview, while ramping up my mindfulness meditation, among other things, to try to chill the f**k out. I only got two hours of sleep last night because I couldn't stop mulling all this over. After finally getting an awesome sleep catch-up day and night, I'm right back to barely sleeping. That's no good (well duh!).

Anyway, I hope everyone's having a great day out there!

[kronkcarr]

Another oldie I like. I could eat the lead singer's voice. ��
I couldn't find it without an ad.

http://youtu.be/gnhXHvRoUd0

[Lostinspace]

Thanks for the song link, kronk. That’s a great tune. I haven’t heard it in a while. I hope you’re doing well and having a good weekend so far.

My goodness it’s quiet around these parts. I hope everyone’s OK. I’m doing much the same as the last time I posted. Although, even though it’s still pretty early in the day, I feel confident in saying that today will most definitely be an AF day for me. In about an hour or so, I’ll be spending the rest of the afternoon and evening with my husband for a Valentine’s Day movie, dinner, then a quiet night together by the fire. In the meantime, I’ve been trying to really buckle down and prepare for Monday’s interview. So far today, I’ve been anticipating questions, typing up possible responses, and revising and rehearsing them. I also still need to do a lot more research into this company to have a better idea of what they’re all about and to be able to go into the interview sounding like I know what I’m talking about.

I still need to shop for some interview clothes tomorrow. I wear jeans and a t-shirt under my lab coat at my current job, so I don’t have much in the way of nice clothes to wear right now. It all feels like a waste to go through this much effort for a job I’m not even sure I want for a number of reasons. And I doubt that they’ll want me after hearing about my total lack of experience in one of the most critical areas of this job description. But who knows? At the very least, besides the research I’m doing into this company in particular, and the way I’m tailoring some of my interview question responses to this particular job, a lot of what I’m doing will be applicable to any other interview I might go on in the future.

Anyway, my goal is to have a completely AF weekend, despite the fact that my anxiety is sky high and my stomach is in knots. It won’t kill me, it’s just extremely uncomfortable. I hope you’re all having a lovely Saturday

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Good luck today, Lis! Positive thoughts...Think 'em and I'll think 'em, too.

[Lostinspace]

Thanks, Ne. I did try to remain positive. Although the interview was a total bust. Remember how I said I wasn’t sure I really wanted this job? There were some aspects of their job description that, although I had no training in, and really didn’t even have a great desire to learn, I liked the rest of the (extremely short and vague) job description. Well, it turns out that the parts I don’t know, and don’t really care to do, are the ONLY part of the job. The rest of it was a total lie. They only phrased things the way they did to rope in people who have a science background.

Worse yet? The interview lasted TWO HOURS. I couldn’t get out of there soon enough. My interviewer was so personable, I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I don’t give a sh*t about working there, so I said I need a day or two to think about it, then I’ll get back to him. Of course I’ll turn it down. Worse even yet? Their starting pay is the same as the pathetic salary that I make now (which I could’ve made without the college degree, and without all these goddamn loans). No wonder they got back to me so quick. I have a loser resume.

I guess it’s not a total waste. I spent a lot of time really thinking about how I’ll navigate any number of potential interview questions. Like, a LOT of time. It will help me when the right job does come along. . . if anyone actually cares about someone like me. I don’t know how to bounce back from my life mistakes.

Anyway, I did break down after my interview. I went two days without drinking, but after spending two agonizing hours (plus all the anxiety-provoking buildup that led to me being there) pretending to be interested in a position that I pretty much knew within the first 20 minutes was not right for me, I caved and stopped at the liquor store.

I wish I had something positive to leave you all with, but instead, I’ll just say I hope you all have a great night.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Holy wow, it's quiet in here.



Sorry Lis, that the job wasn't what you were looking for. I'm really glad you went, though. TWO HOURS?! Good god. I'd be crawling the walls just from sitting there.



It snowed (and iced) here last night, so everything is shut down today and tomorrow, and probably Thursday as well. I seriously love living in a city that doesn't have the equipment to clean up after snowfall. On the other hand, I'll be cursing it when I have a J.O.B. that I have to go to regardless of the weather. Or whether or not I need a nap. :/



Two weeks. I got two weeks left until spring break. Hope everyone else is hanging in there. I am.



Here's a funny video for you...This one particular toy sets Pete to howling. It's...odd.



hmmm. It won't let me upload it easily. Will have to figure it out some other time. Sorry!

[Stevo]

I have just been reading through the last few pages of posts and get the feeling that this thread is a place to talk about life and feelings and stuff.I have been posting some of these things in Newbies Nest but don't think there are a lot of people who are on Baclofen in there and it seems a little strange.I know that most if not all of the guys in here are,do you mind if I begin to post in here too?

[Lostinspace]

Wow, Ne! I wish snow and ice shut things down up here. We've been getting a few inches a day for weeks now and life just goes on as usual. And yeah, that interview was pretty painful. That's so great that you only have two weeks to go until Spring break. Two weeks is nothing. You'll be relaxing in no time

Of course I don't mind, Stevo. As you've noticed, my thread has almost always seemed to be more conversational and people sharing their life experiences, more so than just a log of my own bac journey. I like it that way and the more the merrier, so post away!

Also, I saw the post you made on your thread about people still not switching at very high bac doses. Please be aware that I seem to be in the minority, as someone on 325 mg who is still not indifferent. I will say though, that my cravings are down immensely compared to when I first started. I used to drink 24/7 and was quite seriously physically dependent. I now drink less than a third of what I used to, I drink only at night (I no longer have cravings early in the day), and I'm able to take days off from drinking with no withdrawal - I've broken the physical dependency. So take heart! If you're no longer obsessed with drinking, and can't be bothered to care, then you have reached indifference. We're all different, and no two people have quite the same experience.

I didn't stop by last night because I was busy revising my cover letter, then going through a very lengthy online application process for another job that popped up. By the time I was done, I was completely spent and just collapsed on the couch. Anyway, after several weeks of having absolutely nothing promising come up job-wise, outside of the sorry ass job I interviewed for on Monday, an ad came up yesterday for a job that sounds absolutely perfect for me.

The only problem is that they take criminal background checks very seriously, and as part of the application process, they asked if I've ever been convicted of a crime. I had to say yes and also explain what the offense was. I really hope that doesn't blow my chances with this company It sounds like an ideal opportunity. But all I can do is wait and see, and keep checking each day for any new job listings in the meantime.

I drank again last night. Sigh. Although it was a little less than what I have been drinking recently. I purposely bought less so that I couldn't get too carried away. I needed a relatively clear head to revise my cover letter, tailoring it to this particular position, and to go through the job application process. I guess I was lucid enough. I showed my husband my cover letter, and this time he didn't even have any suggestions for improvement. He said it was perfect. So here's to hoping that I sold myself well enough to have this prospective employer overlook my past :fingers:

And it has gotten really quiet around here - too quiet. dun, kronk, Stuck (if you're still reading), how are you guys doing? Have you tried the gabapentin yet dun? How's the injury progressing kronk? Stuck - how's your dissertation coming along, and life in general? Anyway, I hope you're all having a great day out there

[dundrinkn]

Howdy all. I am good. Really good, in fact. I was waiting to post, to see if this is for real... but after 8 days of not drinking and absolutely no desire to, I seem to have hit a switch at 100mg. What a relief! I mean, really. This is so different than the 100 days I spent at 80mg suffering. I even was with teenagers away for the weekend where I could have drank, should have wanted to, but just had no desire. Wow.

I wonder if I would have recognized the switch without the stretch of sobriety leading up to it. I think forcing some AF time was good in a lot of ways. But this is completely different. Night and day.

So instead of drinking I ate some junk food and watched bad TV. 19 kids and counting marathon. What a freakin' train wreck that family is. And they have no idea. Strange, strange, strange goings on down there in Arkansas.

So sorry about the crappy job interview, Lis. Hope the other job pans out. Seems like there is movement and excitement there on your end so I'd take that as a good sign.

Stevo -- welcome. Chime in and share.

[Lostinspace]

dun - That’s so awesome to hear how great you’re doing And yeah, if anything will push you over the edge, I would think spending the weekend with a bunch of teenagers would do it! I’m glad you posted. There’s nothing wrong with watching a little trash tv, either. God knows, I’m guilty of the same Did you ever try the gabapentin? Do you even need it at 100 mg of bac? I’m assuming, since you didn’t mention it, that you’re not suffering any nerve pain? I hope so.

Anyway, I’m hanging on . . . somewhat. I’m a nervous wreck, actually. I haven’t heard back yet from that wonderful sounding job, so I should probably stop checking my e-mail every 15 to 30 minutes. It’s a separate e-mail account that I set up only for the purposes of sounding more professional than my usual e-mail account, so checking in so often only to find dead air is a little annoying, to say the least. I don’t even get junk mail on that account. Whatever, I hope you all have a great night!

EDIT: I was looking for the little dj guy where everyone was dancing in front, but alas, the new site doesn't seem to have it! Or even anything close to it. But dun - where you're at right now is phenomenal. And it needs to be celebrated. I just don't have the emoticons to celebrate. But, I'm there with you in spirit, girl! Celebrate!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Morning!

That's so great to hear, Dun. I had a similar experience recently. Very cool. It's amazing how baclofen works, isn't it? One day, drinking sounds like a very good idea, and the next it is not relevant. I even had the experience of pouring myself a glass of wine, and the smell of it sitting on the table next to me was kind of nauseating.

Anyway, glad you're feeling so much better.

Lis, aaargh to the job thing. I'll be there soon enough, I suppose. I think that patience is key. Of which I am generally in very short supply. <sigh> I wonder how Stuck's job search is going? Heh, Stuck? hullloooo

I'm stuck in the same old grind of having work to do and doing everything I can not to do it. It's working out okay, so far, though...Insert maniacal laughing here.

Cool thing is that Ed and I have a bunch of fun stuff planned for this weekend. Concert tonight, fete for top restaurants in our area on Sunday, after brunch with my aunt on uncle. It's a bit of motivation to get stuff done.