Here we go again

[kronkcarr]

Lis and Stuck congratulations. I'm happy for both of you. dun, here's to better days soon.

Lis, since you asked I'll say what I think. I wouldn't say much about being out of the research end. You may have already told them that. I'd say things like this: I've wondered about that, That's interesting. I'd like to think about that and get back with you, How interesting. What applications are you thinking of? If you can lay your fears down and just participate in the conversation it shows you're interested, work well with others and can think and integrate.

You're willing to put your life on hold. Are you willing to make choices not to drink for this job?

[StuckinLA]

I second Kronk, show no fear. But more than that, you are dedicated and passionate about this area of research and even if you're not quite up to date, you are determined to read up on what you've missed in the last few years. Spin it that way - and keep things vague and positive.

Well how quickly things change. It's a roller coaster here with the girl, folks. Yesterday I spent the evening at the bar and she said she was going to see a movie but when it was sold out she showed up right at the bar and took down several glasses of wine and was really pissed about me being there. I kind of felt like it was a shame - that we can't sit and drink together but only when she's really mad and making a point of coming in to get me to go home. Then she slept in the living room last night. I won't hear from her until she gets home because she always wants space after nights like that.

I know these continuous ups and downs are par for the alcoholic course. I don't think she knows that, really, and I'm not sure if she's going to come home and simply go back to being done and wanting to move out or what. I don't know that I even care at this point. If she wants to leave she can leave.

[MeJustMe]

stuck - I'm sorry to hear about your relationship problems - it isn't easy, esp when AL is involved. Congrats on the job though - that sounds great!

LIS - you've got the job - or rather, the company made a job for you - well done!

As for me, I've been a bit frustrated by the whole Bac thing. First, 14 days of total indifference, then quickly into two nights of heavy drinking. I've now had two sober nights, using a higher dose of Bac and also taking Antibuse.
It seems to be working so far. The first evening I got a fleeting thought to drink, but quickly reminded myself that I couldn't because of the Antibuse. Last night was quite easy, although my wife (who still drinks) was out.
It's dawned on me after what LIS said about the cost of Bac that it does become expensive when you take high doses. At my rate of about 90mg a day I'll chew through $90 a month. I try to remind myself that that $90 gives me a chance at life AL-free and I'd spend that much in a week buying booze.
I also want to get motivated to do other things to have an AL-free, low-anxiety life (given boozing and anxiety seem related, at least for me) such as exercise and meditation. Anything to help has to be good.

[Lostinspace]

kronk - Those types of responses are pretty much just what I gave. I felt kinda stupid at points because I didn’t feel that I had too much to contribute. I was mostly listening to what they had to say about our current projects. So now I’ll go research the hell out of what’s already been done in those particular areas. And to answer your question, yes, I am willing to do whatever I have to do to make drinking either a non-event, or at least a very infrequent event. This is my one chance to shine after fudging up grad school. I will not mess it up.

Stuck - I’m so sorry to hear that things are still so rough with your girlfriend. And yes, these ups and downs definitely are par for the course when it comes to alcoholics who are struggling to get a handle on their drinking. My relationship with my husband went through that same type of roller coaster for years, up until recently. I so know what you mean about how it’s a shame that you two can’t sit down and have a few drinks together, but I found that once you pass a certain point in your partner’s tolerance level of your drinking, there is no going back, unfortunately. That’s why I’ve made it a point to go out of my way to hide my drinking for the majority of my relationship with my husband. It’s just better if he thinks I’m not doing it.

I hope you can figure out where you want to go in this relationship. Do you really think you don’t care if she leaves, or is it more a matter of feeling despair at the idea that you’ll have to give up drinking (or at least successfully pretend to) in order for her to stay? I know I went through many points in my marriage where I convinced myself that I didn’t care if we split, but the truth is I was just terrified at the prospect of giving up drinking, and I was angry at him for making that demand of me. It’s a really tough position to be in, that’s for sure. Hang in there :hug:

MJM - Please don’t be frustrated by your bac experience so far. As I said before, it’s not unusual to hit a “pre-switch” before hitting the real thing. I know it must be terribly disappointing to have reached what felt like total indifference, only to lose it in an instant. But if you continue titrating up (especially if complete abstinence is your goal), you will eventually reach a point where you feel that freedom you recently experienced all the time.

I wouldn’t worry about the cost all too much at this point. The fact that you had such good results at such a low dose likely means that your switch dose is not all that high. I had a bit of a pre-switch at 160 mg, then lost it, but the reason I never regained it, or benefitted further from going up, appears to be because of the low potency of the crappy brand of bac I was buying. Now that I have a better job and I’ll be able to recover from my current financial state, I fully intend on starting to titrate up again on the “good” bac in a month or so.

Long story short: please don’t use my example as what is likely to happen to you. The vast majority of people reach a switch well under the dose I was on until I recently started titrating down. And the people who end up on really high doses generally didn’t have much benefit until they got up to fairly high doses to begin with. They didn’t experience what you did at 70 mg. So take heart that you’re not that far off the mark, dose-wise, from where you need to be.

Well, I already wrote a short novel, as usual, so I’ll keep my update brief. The meeting went well yesterday, and I now have not only the most interesting and intellectually stimulating job I’ve ever had, but the best paying one, as well! I have my work cut out for me in the next couple weeks until I start (and then continuing into the indefinite future) as far as reading up on as much background as I can, and trying to relate what I read to the directions we’re taking in our projects so that I can make suggestions for modifications/improvements. I’ll also have to try to find some sort of work/life balance. Maybe I’ll try to fit in a walk at some point today, especially because I have to work tomorrow, yet again - ugh. Anyway, I hope you’re all having a lovely weekend so far

[Stevo]

So you got the job LIS.I am so happy for you.Dont worry too much about bringing yourself up to speed you will be fine.I don't mean don't do anything by this I just mean don't push yourself into a crazy state.:happy2:

MJM don't be too frustrated,you are really on a very low dose and as LIS said it is a good sign to have felt a sort of an indifference already.Just keep going up at the pace that you are and see what happens.

Stuck and Kronk I am always glad to read your posts,hang in there Stuck.I wish you both all the best.

As for me,I just keep on keeping on.My life has no real dramas in it,I am working my way through the debts that I have and have completely paid out 2 and have made arrangements to finalise 1 other.This will get me out of debt with any banks,wow what a great thing.I will head in tomorrow to take care of the final bank payment,other than that I have a small debt of only a few hundred dollars to take care of and I am done.
The insurance company has definitely come good although I spoke to the guy assessing my claim the other day and he told me that the assessment is not over and if they are given any reason to feel that I have not been honest with them it will all come to a grinding halt.
I continue to see the physio and do my exercises,it seems to be having positive results.The physio even said to me the other day that he will be incorporating skateboarding into the rehabilitation program sooner or later as he is very happy with the progress that is being made.It is quite some way off but he said that he thinks that it is important for me to be doing the sporting activities that I would normally be doing as a part of the recovery.Great news for me ha.Obviously he doesn't want me to be jumping off 12 steps just yet but rolling around a skatepark with no impact.
I drank again this weekend but did not drink all week,with no cravings or thoughts of having a few.I did hit it hard on Friday night and woke up so hungover yesterday that it got to about 2 in the afternoon and I had a hair of the dog then I proceeded to have a pretty big night again.It is Sunday evening as I write this and I have had no thoughts of having a drink all day and probably wont until next weekend again.I am still finding that there is a point when I start drinking that I become aware of an urge to pull up but I ignore it saying to myself"just enjoy the evening."I have not had any disaster situations and am enjoying the social aspects which is exactly what I wanted.
When I wake up with a shocking hangover I do think to myself"what am I doing this for,I must be insane,"but I take solace in the fact that it is not controlling my life anymore.I can take it or leave it and if I choose to get drunk then a hangover is the price I pay.I am prepared to pay that price,it is so much less than what I used to pay.

I had some interactions with my sister last week and yes my family still have the power to make me quite ill,God bless them.My sister wanted to know whether I wanted anything to do with her and would it be alright to get in touch?I said ofcourse,if it was necessary or important.I was hoping to leave the conversation at that but she then rang me crying and blubbering down the phone,saying that she didn't know why I didn't want anything to do with her.This prompted me to tell her and all hell broke loose,she is such an arrogant person with not an ounce of humility in her.A complete inability to accept her own mistakes and a complete ability to find a scapegoat or reason to blame others.I just hung up on her in the end after a few choice words.I did not sleep properly for 2 nights.

Anywho,I am being told that I need to help around here and must go.Hope all this hasn't bored you all too much and as always I am hoping that all associated with this thread are well.

Until next time take care.

Cheers Stevo.

[Lostinspace]

Stevo - Such good news on almost all fronts - you’re almost out of debt, you’re progressing physically enough to get back into skateboarding, and alcohol is still a small part of your life. Those are all things to celebrate! I hope you’ve taken some time to celebrate. Regarding your sister - ouch! I’m sorry she’s basically forcing herself on you at this point. If talking rationally with her didn’t work, then you did the only thing you could by hanging up on her. I hope she gets the hint to either (a) not bother you for unimportant things, or (b) make serious changes to herself so that you two can have a good relationship. I don’t know the dynamic in your relationship at all, so I can’t say anything one way or another. In any case, I’m glad to see you’re doing so well overall, and I hope you can put your familial drama aside long enough to get a good night’s sleep!

So, as for me, I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I have 10,000 thoughts going through my head at any given time. I’m having a hard time keeping track of my life. I’m working overtime (including all day yesterday) at my current job, and trying to use the little time I have left to advance my knowledge in the specialized area I will helping with soon. I feel like I’m going a little nutso. I can’t wait until this next job is my ONLY focus, and not a side focus, while I wade through the misery that is Spring rush at my current job

Anyway, I’ll survive somehow. I sure as hell ain’t gonna have another nervous breakdown. That CANNOT HAPPEN!!! I’m taking breaks, here and there, to read things that are fun, instead of just studying up. On that note, I need to go do some more literature searches. I hope you all have a great night!

[Stevo]

Quickly dropping in to say I am now a debt free man.The final debt was even less than I thought and I paid it today.The last one had gone to a debt collecting agency so I don't know if it has left a bad mark against my name.When I called today to find out the damage and let them know I wanted to pay it the guy told me that they had not considered it a bad debt and they had not proceeded to have a mark on my credit rating.This does not mean that it is not there as the original institution may have done this.It was from a small loan that I took out a few years ago and last year whilst I was in rehab they just sent it to a collections agency with no notification to me.
Anyway I applied to see my credit rating today to make sure that it is intact.The guy at the collection agency said to me that even if it was a bad mark against my name it was such a small amount and now it is paid it shouldn't be a problem.It is now recorded as paid in full.I would still like to know though.

Try not to get yourself into too much of a tizzy LIS(easier said than done,I know).

Nothing has really changed for me since the last post other than the previous statement.Life is quiet,therefore life is good.

Wondering where some of the other regular posters are..MJM,Stuck,Dun,Kronk,Ne etc.I hope that you are all well.

Until next time,
Cheers Stevo.

[Lostinspace]

Congratulations Stevo!! That’s awesome. I don’t know how things work in Australia, but at least in the US, there are ways to get a free credit report once a year, so you can see how those debts affect your credit score. (Your country probably uses a different credit rating system from the US, so I don’t know how to advise you, but there must be something similar. Sorry for my ignorance). Anyway, it sounds like such a minor thing that I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

And I second your thought - where are/how is everyone else?

On my end, I’m driving myself crazy, as per usual. I sent an e-mail to my new employer, asking for a little more information on current projects than what they gave me at our meeting. Obviously, they don’t expect me to be any better informed since they didn’t delve into those projects to a degree that would make me have to understand the finer points on my first day. Nonetheless, I requested more info last night because I’m an overexcited idiot. As of right now, they still haven’t gotten back to me. So, of course, now I’m freaking out that I may have overstepped my bounds, made myself look like an idiot (by saying things that could be misinterpreted as things I should already know), or that they’re worried that I’ll just be a total pain in the ass. All I want is to be good at my new job.

I hope they’re not second-guessing me the way I’m second-guessing myself by sending that e-mail. All I really want to know is more of the specifics of the projects so that I can hone my literature searches to more relevant topics. But I may have made myself look like a total jackass. They won’t fire me before I get hired, right? Oh god! I already put in my two week notice. I hate living inside a neurotic mind. It does me no good. I had a few shots already tonight and, unfortunately, I think I’m about to have a few more.

I don’t know how else to shut up that eternally tormenting voice inside my head. I’m already driving my husband crazy. He just tells me to calm down, that I did nothing wrong. That’s not helpful. Telling me to calm down is like telling a fire to stop burning! I CANNOT stop thinking about it ever. I don’t know what I expect from him - nothing really. You can’t help a neurotic freak. Maybe a hug. That would be nice. Instead of annoyance that I’m overly worried once again. Ugh.

Side question: Is it normal, when you think you've made a mistake, to not be able to stop thinking about it, obsessing about the outcome, etc., to the point that you have trouble focusing on anything else? My husband seems to think I have a problem. I have no idea how one would go about fixing that, but yeah, every time I make a boo-boo (or in my mind it's a boo-boo, even if it's something trivial), it's like the world around me disappears until I know the outcome of said error. I don't know how to stop being like that. He says I'm really annoying that way. Trust me, no one is more annoyed at that way of thinking than me! I just don't know how to stop it.

Anyway, I hope you guys all have a great night!

[MeJustMe]

Hi guys, I'm still here.

Steve - great news about being debt free. It must be a great feeling. Also great news on everything being 'quiet'!

LIS - I relate so much to what you're saying about making a mistake. I don't know what to say except there must be a way to work it through. Whether it's meditation, more exercise, more Baclofen... I don't know. You're going through a stressful period right now, with your old work busy (still, I guess?) and a new job coming, which you really want to do well in but are not confident about.

In my case - which totally may have nothing to do with you - I simply got a bit older and grumpier, got depression and went on meds, and most lately, got onto a decent dose of Bac (now 85mg). So I still worry occasionally about the stories I write - I wrote one two days ago where I spelt a guy's name incorrectly - that's a basic mistake! I had a bad feeling about the story and sure enough my editor rang and I asked him what he thought of it. He said it was great but pointed to the name error. I apologised, but he was fine about it. So instead of doing my usual job of worrying about it all day, what an idiot I am, will they stop giving me work, etc I just thought, 'oh well, I made a mistake and on stories (like that one) where I had difficulty writing the thing, I need to be careful to remember to fact-check and spell-check rather that tweaking the story here and there right up to deadline.' Then I moved on. That has been a revolution for me. I think anxiety is bound up with addiction, and I'd be interested to see how you go when you replace the Bac you said you suspected wasn't working well with the real deal. How is that going LIS? I haven't seen you mention it for a while.

So I'm going well, now just a week since I last drank or wanted to. The 85mg Bac and Antibuse seems to be doing the trick. Still smoking like crazy though.

My work is going really well - I am on fire. I have not been this productive in a long, long time. I am looking forward to a few work trips and also a 2000km road trip soon. Instead of being obsessed about 'projects', like looking at classic cars I can't afford, I've been more focussed on work. I still need to stop smoking, still need to get exercise in my life, but really, compared to just a short while ago, my life is just incredibly good.

I'm trying to keep in mind that I may well need to incorporate other things in my life to keep sobriety, such as meditation, exercise, perhaps seeing a councillor. For now though, I'm just basking in the sunlight of new-found sobriety...

[Samandkatharine]

Congratulations Stevo!! That’s awesome. I don’t know how things work in Australia, but at least in the US, there are ways to get a free credit report once a year, so you can see how those debts affect your credit score. (Your country probably uses a different credit rating system from the US, so I don’t know how to advise you, but there must be something similar. Sorry for my ignorance). Anyway, it sounds like such a minor thing that I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

And I second your thought - where are/how is everyone else?

On my end, I’m driving myself crazy, as per usual. I sent an e-mail to my new employer, asking for a little more information on current projects than what they gave me at our meeting. Obviously, they don’t expect me to be any better informed since they didn’t delve into those projects to a degree that would make me have to understand the finer points on my first day. Nonetheless, I requested more info last night because I’m an overexcited idiot. As of right now, they still haven’t gotten back to me. So, of course, now I’m freaking out that I may have overstepped my bounds, made myself look like an idiot (by saying things that could be misinterpreted as things I should already know), or that they’re worried that I’ll just be a total pain in the ass. All I want is to be good at my new job.

I hope they’re not second-guessing me the way I’m second-guessing myself by sending that e-mail. All I really want to know is more of the specifics of the projects so that I can hone my literature searches to more relevant topics. But I may have made myself look like a total jackass. They won’t fire me before I get hired, right? Oh god! I already put in my two week notice. I hate living inside a neurotic mind. It does me no good. I had a few shots already tonight and, unfortunately, I think I’m about to have a few more.

I don’t know how else to shut up that eternally tormenting voice inside my head. I’m already driving my husband crazy. He just tells me to calm down, that I did nothing wrong. That’s not helpful. Telling me to calm down is like telling a fire to stop burning! I CANNOT stop thinking about it ever. I don’t know what I expect from him - nothing really. You can’t help a neurotic freak. Maybe a hug. That would be nice. Instead of annoyance that I’m overly worried once again. Ugh.

Side question: Is it normal, when you think you've made a mistake, to not be able to stop thinking about it, obsessing about the outcome, etc., to the point that you have trouble focusing on anything else? My husband seems to think I have a problem. I have no idea how one would go about fixing that, but yeah, every time I make a boo-boo (or in my mind it's a boo-boo, even if it's something trivial), it's like the world around me disappears until I know the outcome of said error. I don't know how to stop being like that. He says I'm really annoying that way. Trust me, no one is more annoyed at that way of thinking than me! I just don't know how to stop it.

Anyway, I hope you guys all have a great night!

LIS, this is me to a tee. I worry about things until I make myself sick. I think most AL or people with addictions tend to have the worry button stuck. Anxiety and depression for me has always been an issue.

Sorry to butt in on this thread but I can relate.

[StuckinLA]

Hi Sam! I saw that you're back around - I should read your new thread. Anyway, it is nice to see you. And hi everyone else. I've just been settling in to the new-ish routine. Trying to write in the mornings, doing a little work to get ready for this new class that starts at the end of the month. I've been mostly drinking in the afternoons, and trying to stop once the girl gets home. I'm not sure exactly how that's going, to be honest. I know she's still pretty pissed that I'm drinking at all, but I figure if I'm at least not pounding drinks in front of her things might be better.

Maybe not... Saturday and Monday I got pretty wasted. But a couple days I've just had like 4 or 5 beers and then actually sobered up in the evening toward bed time - that's really, really new for me. I never stop once I start, so this is a whole new weird world.

Anyway, that's about it here. It's awesome to hear that you are out of debt, Stevo! That must feel amazing. And stressing about small mistakes or about how other people are interpreting what you do is totally normal, Lis. Take comfort in the thought that most people are so concerned about themselves that they won't give you much of a second thought.

[Lostinspace]

Thanks for that MJM. And I think you have nothing to worry about if the biggest mistake you made in a recent story is to spell someone’s name wrong. I’ve read many news articles and books that made it PAST an editor, where there were really embarrassing mistakes, where even a good elementary student would be able to call them out on their poor grammar, spelling, etc. Oh man, now I worry about the mistakes I make here :blush:

OK, back to (trying) not to be perfectionistic and neurotic. That’s so great to hear how well you’re doing! That’s awesome that you’re so focused and feeling good about your job. Doing something you like and care about for a living is so important, if you’re able to, and it certainly sounds like you are. And please do bask in that glory of new-found sobriety. Meditation, exercise, and other life enhancers are important, too, for the long run. But for today, enjoy the ride

I’ve been there before (mostly - I was still having cravings, and caving to them, about once a week or two) on bac when I reached a certain level - until I quit smoking, and then all hell broke loose for some reason. I intend to get there again. So to answer your question, no, I have not gone up on the other bac yet. I need to wait until my life is a little more financially stable. But my initial plan has altered. I have enough of the old stuff, for the time being, to stay at 250 mg (where I currently am) to last until my new job improves my financial well-being. At that point, I will start to slowly swap one for the other. If I even feel a need to increase at that point, then I’ll go up from there.

Now back to the smoking issue. I know that everyone is vastly different when it comes to that habit (or any habit, really), but you might want to wait a little to take the plunge. Or better yet, start making small changes. I used nicotine lozenges to quit. Maybe you could swap some smoke breaks for a lozenge, here and there, rather than make a drastic change all at once? I don’t know, MJM. I certainly don’t want to dissuade you from quitting. I did it myself and I’m quite happy with being able to breathe and exercise better - but it also seemed to break the relative indifference I had recently attained. I was on prescription, legit pharmaceutical grade bac up until that point, when all of a sudden, it didn’t work so well with the stress of quitting another habit. In retrospect, I don’t think I would make the same choice if I had a chance to do it over again. But again, baby steps towards your goal, like swapping out some of your smoke breaks for something else, might help ease the transition. If I’m wrong and other people have had vastly different experiences, please let me/MJM know!

Sam - I’m sorry you can relate. You’re probably right that people who have our common problem have their “worry buttons stuck.” That’s a good way of putting it. And you’re not butting in at all! We’re happy to have you back

Stuck - I’m glad to hear you’re getting a bunch of writing done, and that you’re gearing up for that class! I’m sorry to hear that you’re continuing to have problems, here and there, in your relationship, but overall, it sounds like things are getting better. I started to type a really long-winded advice column, but I realized that I was just giving advice on how to be a better (i.e. better paced and sneakier) alcoholic. That right there was a whole lot of bullsh*t. I’m sorry, even though you didn’t read it, because I don’t really know what else to say. I wish nothing but the best for you, my friend :hug:

On that note, I’m a little buzzed. I have to apologize to you all. I have become progressively more buzzed, the more I type. I tried to space this out a little better over the course of the evening, but it didn’t work out, because I’m anxious as hell. I had six shots in the course of an hour, about a half hour before I started to type. And now, my writing gets more and more idiotic as time passes. I’m so sorry. I suck real hard. I can’t wait to go up on real bac.

On that note, I hope you all have a great night!

[StuckinLA]

You do not suck, Lis. Not in the slightest. I only jumped in because I wanted you to wake up to something positive, Lis. You are amazing and awesome and you have this shit under control, even if you have some drinks and get a little buzzed tonight. Tomorrow is another day, and you will get your reading done and be on top of things.

[Lostinspace]

Thanks so much, Stuck That did give me something positive this morning (I logged on really quickly on my phone when I got to work, but haven’t had a chance to post until now due to work-related craziness). Today is another day. I’m gonna try a lot harder tonight to either not drink, or at least if I feel I must, to do it slowly, and only after eating something. I got off work at a reasonable time today (I only worked eight hours - yay!), and I don’t even have the option of drinking yet since I have to drive to an evening appointment with my psychiatrist. Hopefully by the time I’m done there, I’ll just be focused on eating dinner and reading. Anyway, I hope you guys all have a great night!

[Samandkatharine]

Lis, no apologies needed ! There is a thread on this board about posting while drinking. It's quite funny!! Everyone has been guilty. I KNOW I have.