Here we go again

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I'm so sorry, Stuck. I hope you got some good sleep and feel better.

I've got hospital time today, so gotta run. Thanks for all the good input!

Hope it's a good day and back tomorrow!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I was also an expert thrower-upper. Sadly/happily that skill faded with time. When I got really sick in the spring, I was in the hospital for clinical, and actually didn't make it to the bathroom. I threw up in the sink in the nurse's breakroom. About 3 feet from the toilet. True story.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Ha! Hi, Reg! Global warming...oy vey. Agreed. It's fucking frightening.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

REGGIE! It's been a couple of hours and you haven't deleted!! I'm so proud!

Clinical cancelled for today, so now I'm catching up on huge pile of homework. Semester over in T-11 days for me. Cannot wait.

Walked 2+ miles with the pup.

[dundrinkn]

Hello Reggie! The thread does have a very nice vibe. That's what got me to come out of hiding myself.

Two mile walk. Wow. That is great. I have two dogs who I haven't been able to ever get to walk well on a leash so I dread walking them. It's a constant tug of war. Not unlike my relationship with my son. Constant struggle. So no exercise for me yesterday. I was too beaten down by trying to hold the line with my son. Ugh.

Stuck, I completely get it. I do not have my head in the sand, but have realized that there are things I cannot read. If I can affect change, I do. I used to work for the World Wildlife Fund, but realized I needed a job that did not emotionally hit me in the gut with a huge club everyday. I wasn't doing any "good" there, just communicating the state of affairs. It was dire, and that was 30 years ago. So I have stopped reading about the animals, and the air, and the water. Not to mention the Universe at large. It is all really fucking precarious. The universe expanding in dark matter and the sun flipping on its axis every 11 years. WTF? While I believe the situation is dire, I also have (for lack of a better word) faith that there is a way out of this mess. For humans and humankind, change only comes when we have the screws put to us. Then the change is fast, revolutionary, and takes us someplace we never imagined. Living through it sucks though.

I was in college in Kansas the year "The Day After" was on TV in the US. It was a movie about a nuclear war and was set in the town I was going to school in. I, along with 100 million viewers, watched my surroundings get blown to shit. It was horribly traumatic. The networks even had counselors on standby on 800 numbers. It wasn't just that the show was so disturbing, it was that it was shown during a time when nuclear war seemed a hair's breadth away. Carl Sagan said in a post-show interview "Imagine a room awash in gasoline, and there are two implacable enemies in that room. One of them has nine thousand matches, the other seven thousand matches. Each of them is concerned about who's ahead, who's stronger." Everyone in my dorm went out to protest. I went back to my room with my girlfriend and drank. She wanted to have sex, but I was too stunned. So good on you that you are still having sex! So I guess my point with that story is: even in my lifetime we have been on the brink of a lot of bad shit and somehow muddled out of it.

OK, I have blogs to get published and tweets to tweet. Have a great day one and all.

[kronkcarr]

dun, I feel like you do. I don't watch or read the things I can't help with. I was always the tough one who could take anything until I realized I'm very sensitive and the toughness was a not so good way to protect myself.

A couple years ago I read a note a dog "wrote" to his owner. It said that when he went for walks he wanted to smell spots to see what animal activity had taken place. It changed how I walk my dog. I leave the house with an amount of time in mind and I go wherever he wants. When the time's up we go in. Both of us are happier now.

[Lostinspace]

Thanks dun. I’ll look into some of her essays. And yeah, teenagers can definitely be a handful. I cringe to think back to the nightmare I was for my parents during those years. That’s awesome that you got out for a two mile walk! kronk gave some good advice on how to handle that. Thanks for the feedback, kronk.

And I really appreciate your view on climate change, other problems, etc. I feel SO guilty that I’m not as involved as I used to be, but then again, what good did it do? I’d like to think that people can make a difference, though. I do want to be more involved again, whether it matters or not :/

Stuck - I’m so sorry about the hopelessness over what is a very frightening ordeal. It’s truly maddening how little most people care about climate change, even the ones who do believe it’s happening - and not everyone does, even though the evidence is rock solid. My boss is one example. It’s an ongoing joke where I work not to bring up politics, or else the two of us will go at it. Anyway, I hope you’re feeling better today.

I hope you got to enjoy/make good use of your unexpected day off, Ne. Sorry to hear about the vomiting mishap last Spring. Hopefully you were alone at the time? That’s so embarrassing to have to come up with a reason.

Which reminds me, I REALLY need to see a dentist, but I can’t afford the work that needs to be done. Having my teeth constantly exposed to stomach acid has done a number on them, despite desperate measures to counteract the damage. My bottom teeth (the ones most severely exposed to stomach acid) are disintegrating.

Nothing in my visible smile line, thank all that’s good in the universe. But my back two molars are half missing (chunks of them actually fell out at different points, shortly after severe vomiting spells). Other molars are badly damaged. I’ve had two root canals on two of them, but I can’t afford the crowns needed on top of them. And I sure as hell can’t afford the two extractions I need. It hurts to eat Anyone have any recommendations for dental insurance?

Thanks for the thought, Reggie. I will take care of myself as best I can. And you didn’t crash my thread at all! You’re always welcome here

Anyway, another day of drinking the same old, same old. I have too much fear in my life right now to face my evenings any other way. I’ll work on this. I hope you all have a great night :hug:

[StuckInCA]

It's not quite possible to convey how much I've been affected, in a slap to the face kind of way, by this climate reading I've done this week. I don't want to dwell on it here, except to set the stage for my mindset going into today's last class of the semester. I'm worried that there is no future for these kids. I'm nearly convinced of it.

They have a creative assignment once a semester, and those were due today. So for the last class they present their creative work for the rest of the class. They put so much work in, they did more for this assignment - with almost no guidance from me - than they've done all semester. Three of them shot videos, and edited them with music and voice overs, and we showed those in class. One of them sang rap lyrics. Another wrote a haunting, achingly gorgeous short story and she read some of it aloud. Another, she combined quotations from two books we'd read this semester into a song, a song about wanting to live and love in the face of suffering and inevitable death, and she sang it while playing the ukulele. She's minoring in music, and as she was singing I almost cried. By almost I mean is think I did it well. After class, I took their papers to my office to try to start commenting on them, and I broke down in tears. They are so smart, and so creative, and they have so much more to offer than this bullshit fucking crap system has led them to believe they have. Everyone values all the wrong things, and because of that, because of some completely arbitrary financial/political system, and through no fault of their own, they've been robbed of a chance to love fulfilling lives. Hell, maybe even simply lives.

And they, of course, are the lucky ones to be born here, and to wealthy families. I'm sorry I'm still not in an ok mental state, guys. I need to write all this out, and I need to figure out what, if anything, I can do. We need a complete global revolution right now - I mean now - and I don't have a platform from which to incite one. I'm helpless and not ok in this case feeling helpless. I love you, all of you on this thread.

[bkyogagurl]

You are very much loved here Stuck... That was a really emotional post.
Take care of you friend.

Heellloooo... My apologies for my absent. I have been focusing directly on my family as it seems everyone needs me right now even the husband. So I have had to put my ipad away and focus on them. It's been a good thing for me.. And kept me out of trouble. Funny how that works.. Haven't been drinking much at all. Couple of days around Turkey day and that is mostly it....

So awesome to see some new faces to me here! I am back reading to catch up.
Be back soon. Just wanted to say hi and I miss all of you...
Big warms hugs.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Morning!
I have a confession. I don't actually think that global warming is frightening, much less f*cking frightening. I think I was trying to be...supportive. But that's not really the point. Stuck, whatever you read must have been really terrifying if you're convinced that 20 year olds aren't going to have a future. My understanding is that the future, particularly for young-young kids, is going to look very different than the present or recent past...I think the amount of science fiction I've read colors my perspective. I'd be surprised if we're not some sort of cyborg before I die. And the kids' movie...What was it? E-willy or whatever? The one with the obese people on the moving lounge chairs in a space ship? Yep. I don't mean to make light. I hope you find solutions that make you feel better, and soon.

Lis, I'm concerned, too, about the increasing anxiety and fear your experiencing. I agree with Stuck that it can be a side effect of baclofen. I'm just not sure it's one that should be ignored. Maybe the last increase was too much? It's worth exploring, in my opinion, by going back down to 250, or 262.5, for a week or so. You definitely have a lot going on, and getting your DL in a few short weeks (Woot!) increases the pressure. It was my experience, and one I've seen repeated here many times, that going down is not giving up but rather may be *the* solution. And what a lovely solution! At the very high doses, increasing in very small increments, can be a good idea too. If you need to do that, of course. Please keep posting!

Kronk, I'm very torn about how to walk my dog for the reasons you pointed out. But she's so active, she needs long walks. And I don't feel like I have time to do both. Plus, I feel guilty about putting her in a crate so I can go for a walk without her. Boy, sure have created a bunch of my own drama around that, haven't I? She's so young that she loves and is fascinated by absolutely everything. Which is sweet unless one is trying to get and keep up a heart rate. I guess I'll have to split up the duties. Thanks for the food for thought.

Dun, I'm not a mom, but I was a terrible teenager. I shudder to think...Strength to you!
My complete and utter empathy meltdown came from a movie and a visit to a museum. On vacation in Chicago, I saw Do the Right Thing and then went directly to the Peace Museum. The Peace Museum is a collection of photographs and lithographs and related stuff depicting all of the truly horrible, evil things people do to one another. I was sobbing before I left the first room, and with unsympathetic male friends who thought it was funny. I don't think I've recovered and it was more than 20 years ago.

Nice to see you, BK. Glad to hear things are going well. You, too, Reggie!

My home is a wreck because of all the new stuff, and I'm feeling kerfuffled because of it. (The washer and dryer had to be moved, still aren't completely hooked up, and I haven't done laundry since we got back from vacation. A small thing, but not trivial!) I've also got a challenging couple of weeks to finish up the semester, and am having a really hard time focusing on studying, so I'm going to check out for a little while. I might go so far as to find one of those programs that limits the websites I can visit or something!

Keep on keepin' on. And much love to all of you, too. Really.

[dundrinkn]

Been thinking about your posts, Stuck, and I know all to well where you are. Something you said in yesterday's post has been rattling around my head this morning, which was your stuff around your mortality. While I am not going to refute the validity of what you read and now believe may be the cause of our inevitable demise (global warming), when you get down to it, it is about that -- death. What you are imagining is on a grand scale, but it still comes down to death. I'm not going to tell you to find God, though having a belief system around what comes after (or before) helps me tremendously in easing the all-consuming terror of my own death as well as losing others. When I find myself where you are, I put one foot in front of the other. Breathe in, breathe out. Do what you can in the moment, and stop reading about it. Only so you can try and inch your way out of the grasp your mind/emotions have on you right now. If you can just create a little bit of space around your own emotions, either by focusing on a physical activity, or focusing on the place in your body that you are feeling all of this, you should experience a tiny bit of a shift. When you go to the place in your body, do not think about the feeling, but rather sense it. And try and put some breath into it. Didn't mean to give advice. I just know that when I remember to do it, it works for me.

Kronk, that is very allowing how you walk your dog. I like that. But my dogs aren't just calm little sniffers. They are more manic and fearful and crazed on a walk. Keeping them on task helps them enjoy the outdoors more. Ha -- just realized I was describing myself a bit there. Back to work for a bit.

[StuckInCA]

Oh, believe me I am trying to find religion, trying to believe in an afterlife, a heaven, parallel universes where things are happening differently. And yes, praying.

Of course this is connected to my fear of mortality, and to my anxiety. Life is a crappy deal to begin with - you have no choice in the matter. We're simply shat into existence, only to become conscious and learn we will die. That sucks, but the trade-off is that you're part of a continuum, and there's the possibility that something you might do could affect others in the future.

I'm a teacher, and a writer. I want to leave a legacy that connects me to this long tradition of literature. What's the f**king point of writing a book if no one will be here to read it? What's the point of literature? Why bother trying to come to grips with the human experience if there's going to be no human experience, and potentially soon? Why bother teaching?

I'm not like suicidal or anything - don't worry about me in the short term. Oddly, my anxiety and withdrawal issues seem to be less these past 2 weeks than they have been in a long time, even though I am drinking. And I am still putting in applications for the next year, but my perspective and my priorities have radically changed. I want most to go back to Iowa, to be near my college girlfriend and lifelong friend - not in a win-her-back from her husband way - and I want to be close to my parents, and I want to be with my girl and make her happy. I want to spend my time writing the fiction that I've always wanted to write - because I do love it. I've never *really* cared about money, obviously, but now it is not even on the radar. I want to be near those whom I love.

Anyway, I hope everybody's having a good one out there.

[Otter]

Talking about religion, I am an agnostic. I didn't have any particular views about Jesus and then I moved to where I am now which is a hundred miles or so from Tarsus, where St. Paul was supposed to be from.

Wowser, what a wakeup call. Here in the Middle East, they know who Jesus was and where he came from. He was a real person, a high priest in Jerusalem, born in a place called Sanliurfu in Turkey and he was the great grandson of Julius Caesar and Cleopatra. He was a leader of a revolt against the Romans and was handed over by the Jews to be crucified to spare their skins and the Roman writer, Josephus Flavius, saw him and knew him and took him down off the cross so he survived. and there is no more record of the guy after that. Muslims all believe in Jesus by the way and Iranians believe in the Second Coming. Syrians like Assad celebrate Easter. So, all this religious war going on is against people who are believers in the same Jesus but they think he was just a regular guy.

What a joke eh?

[Lostinspace]

Stuck - I’m so sorry you’re in that place of complete helplessness and hopelessness right now. I’ve been there myself many times, and am actually feeling a little guilty that I’ve resigned myself to climate change being an unchangeable inevitability. We DO need a global revolution. But, unfortunately, many, many people (myself included at various points) have been trying, and failing, for decades now. I really don’t know what the answer is.

What I do pretty much know is that humankind will not cease to exist at any time in the foreseeable future. Things will certainly be different down the road. Are we gonna pay later for our negligence today? Abso-f**king-lutely. And it’s probably going to be a disaster, in my humble opinion. Much more so for other species than for our own. And the human toll will be unforgivable. Always. But I do believe that we, as a species, will march on. What you do now, what your students are doing now, is not worthless, by any stretch of the imagination. We can all still leave a legacy for future generations. I don’t know how to fix any of this. All I can do is to give you huge cyber hugs from afar :hug: :hug:

I love that term, Reggie - empathy attacks. I have those, too. They seem to come out of nowhere at times, completely engulf me for an hour or so, or even a day or two or three, then dissipate. I guess the short lifespan of those episodes is our natural defense against falling to pieces, and ceasing to function. If we felt the full weight of the pain and fear in this world all the time, we’d all be basket cases.

bk - It’s so good to hear from you We were getting pretty worried.

Ne - I’ll consider going down in dose for a while if the anxiety/panic doesn’t abate soon. I’m hoping that it’s mostly the result of the pressures I’m facing at the moment, and not solely a medication side effect. One small thing I’ll be doing is that I’m gonna get a lot of practice behind the wheel this weekend, getting better at driving again, and MUCH more importantly, getting used to that stupid intoxalock. It never fails to freak me out whenever that buzzer goes off, signaling that I need to blow again. I’m trying to pay attention to the road!!! I don’t need to be worrying about waiting until the exact right second to start blowing, making sure I do it hard enough, making sure I have the timing of my exhalations/inhalations/exhalations just right, watching the LED screen to make sure everything’s kosher. How is that safe??!!! It would be much safer for me to be texting while driving - MUCH safer. And yet you get a fine for that. Go figure.

Anyway, I also have Monday off because I have to use up my last vacation day before the end of the year. I’m gonna try my best to use the next three days to relax and reset myself, so to speak. If I’m feeling a little saner by Tuesday, I’ll stay at 275 mg. But if I’m still a total mess, I’ll go down to 250 for a little bit to see if that suits me better. I know that temporarily decreasing the dose isn’t quitting, but I also hate to break my momentum, unless it proves to be necessary.

I’m sorry your house is such a wreck right now, with all the stuff you had to bring back. It seems like a small thing, but having a messy environment can definitely make life feel more stressful - and you’ve got enough to worry about with these last weeks of school. Good luck with your schoolwork. But you’re almost at the finish line. Hang in there. (I know you probably won’t read this until it’s all over anyway, but I’m sending positive vibes your way).

dun - Thanks for the reminder (when speaking to Stuck) to use some form of mindfulness (you didn’t use that term, but it’s the same basic idea) when overwhelmed by fear, or other heavy emotions. Focusing on bodily sensations, focusing on the breath, focusing on whatever is going on in the moment - all without judgement (or conscious thought) of any kind. It very often does help whenever I actually remember to employ it - which is almost never. I really need to work on that until it becomes natural.

Anyway, I’m home for a three day weekend, which I will hopefully put to good use - no, not hopefully dammit! I WILL put it to good use. I drank tonight, and bought enough extra to drink one more time before Tuesday night. Hopefully I won’t touch the extra stuff at all. I’d like to make this an AF three day weekend. I hope you all have a great night!

[TimberTim]

Climate change info: co2science.org