What does this tell you about me?

[4theboyz]

I need your help. I have been here 8 days now trying to answer many of the questions I have about my addiction to AL. This is a solo battle for me right now, even my wife doesn't know. There is a reason for this. I met here weeks after she broke off a long term relationship with a guy she loved adored was her dream to marry yet he turned into an alcoholic loser. It broke her heart to leave him. We have been together now 17 years and really have a great loving relationship. Also my dad has/had problems with the drink and my wife has made comparisons at time of my excesses to his yet she has never expressed directly to me a concern over my drinking. I drank mostly alone out of her sight. I know she knew I was having drinks but I know she thought it was one maybe two not the 5 or 6 I was really having every night.

So I do not want to tell her yet. I don't want her husband also to be another loser alcoholic in her life I need to get further along as proof to me and to her I am strong enough to handle this issue. Here is my dilemma. She likes to drink one maybe 2 martinis a week that's it. A night ago she went to get the vodka and of course there was none she shrugged and got a glass of water. Tonight she again after a stressful day really could of used her martini and I felt bad for her. She never has more than one and IMO deserves it. So I went out and got her a bottle made her a martini and poured me a water filled glass unbeknownst to her. We toasted the day and now here I sit confused and torn by my secrecy and playing with fire(water) by having the vodka back in the house so soon. I really don't believe I could drink any right now it nauseates me to even think of it.

I just never expected so many issues to be at play all at once with my drinking problem. I am determined to just face each one at a time and get to the others as time permits. I will welcome any comment suggestions or criticisms as they help keep my mind focused. Whether you know or not, thanks to you all for being here for me it has made all the difference in my success so far.

[tlrgs]

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hi there..4theboyz.. for me it better to be out of sight out of mind get out the house but that just me and sorry i would be more open with your wife. she married you for better or worst so . so hiding the fact that you have a problem is the worst thing to do to. yourself and family. but hey that just me. good luck and do your best PS you are not a loser you just have a small problem

[Thankful]

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4theboyz, my heart goes out to you. Your post is filled with so much pain. If you have been married 17 years, I'm willing to bet your wife knows more than you think, hun. May be you should come right out and tell her that you would like to cut back (or quit) drinking and that you need to have booze out of the house for a while. I know it would be a tough talk to have and you know your situation better than anyone. Just a suggestion.

Do you take any supps or meds?

Please stay strong. You sound like you have a lot of inspiration to keep you going.

Best of luck. We are here for you.

Love, Me
:l

[Captnjack]

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Hi 4the,

You have some difficult issues to deal with. good on you for facing them. In my situation I had no choice but to admit to my partner that I am an alcoholic, I mean really it was obvious in my case I simply couldnt hide it although I tried to. It was just insulting to her to think that I was hiding it from her. To treat a person that I loved with such deceit and sneakiness makes me feel ashamed this is how I felt. Please understand I am only telling you MY situation and how I was feeling in the hope that it helps you in which ever way you decied to deal with yours. She did know of course and was glad I had the courage and faith in our relationship to admit it to her. Further down the road she was prescribed anti ds for issues relating to a very sad and scary childhood that was catching up with her. Since then she has now began to drink more were previously she never did. This is now making it harder for me to quit but I did clock up 20 days recently. Basically it comes down to me wether there is booze in the house or not to make that CHOICE to not drink. With the help of the topa and supps and cds(Aussie style) I am having some success but it is friggin hard yet I am determined to win this one. . My partner bless her heart wants to pull on the reigns too and I have said to her thats her decsion as I have my hands full at the moment I will help if I can but she isnt quite ready. Either way our house is a happy house with 2 semi faulty adults doing there best and a beautiful little girl who adores her parents and is very happy. With that going for us I am sure we can lick this little bugger ( Your family is probably the same). sorry for the babble. Hope this helps

All the best to you

Danny

[StraightLines]

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Hey there 4thboyz

I commend you for doing something about this problem I agree with Thankful that after 17 years your wife knows you better than you think, I'd do the same and just say you want to get healthy and for now, dont want any alcohol in the house. IF she asks you straight out is it because you feel you have a problem, well, 17 years together I think you owe her honesty, and she'll love you even more for that. I had a LOT of lies and sneakiness in my marriage from my alcoholic husband and I tell you, it kills more than anything that heartache.
You sound so loving to her to consider her past. That is special.

All the best to you, I hope you get a lot of support. Stay true to yourself.

[livingfree]

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Hi 4TB

Aren't we all the same - just different names.

The first 2 weeks I "avoided" drinking - one night my husband met me in the door way with a cold beer - I was on my cell phone so I just waved him off. The defining moment happened without a plan on my part. (I couldn't have planned this) It just spilled out on a Sunday morning. It started out as a "mini" discussion and blew wide open when I said "love" I've been drinking in the mornings also. I could have done without the look on his face - but truly it was the closest moment we have ever had in our 14 years of married life.

My point is this -- I don't think you can "Plan" the talk - but be ready and open for it. And when it comes - just be humble - open - honest and willing not to judge her response. Give her plenty of space and time to process. I think she'll surprise you at how supportive she'll be. And if not --- it's no different than if you had a brain tumor. You need to recover from some messed up biochemistry. It takes some time.

Some days my husband is my biggest supporter and I couldn't do this without him. Other days I want to send him packing as he suggested that maybe I should go ahead and just have "one" when I came home from a really bad day at work. This is a one man war with a support staff. Not a army unit at your side. Your family and friends are like staff - but you are the one who has to do the fighting. But it can be done. There are thousands of people who have stopped drinking for the REST of their lives out there. WE just have to follow their footsteps.

YOU can do it. So can I. So can anyone here. We just have to do it in this MOMENT only.
Thats all that counts
Livin for it
Best to you and for your Boyz too

[livingfree]

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Oh - 4theboyz
I forgot to answer your original question! I actually had an answer! I am a runner - it might be a great time to pick the sport up - you could start training for a 5 K : 10 K or Ultimately a 1/2 marathon. (you can find training sites online) This is a reason not to drink. You are in training. And it is not telling a lie. You are in training. Training your body how to live with out poison. And training it how to be healthy. And exercise is a MUST if you are going to get healthy.

That may buy you some retreating time. And there is nothing wrong with gaining some strength here. Just make sure it is NOT a safety net to start drinking if you decide the going gets to tough. K?

[Victory]

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We only fool ourselves

No criticisms necessary, we are all in the same boat. Spill the beans, am sure your loved one will support you. Be brave because I bet she knows it was more than just a few. We only fool ourselves. Please keep us posted. We will support you.
Aunty Vic

[Kirova]

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Hi 4tb....lots of good advice here. But like you, I'm going down this road on the QT... although my situation is different. My husband and I together stopped AL cold turkey about 7 years years ago. I was successfully AF for over 3 years....then I let it creep back into my life. Thought I could handle it. No way. Anyway, I restarted the clock and am on day 26 AF. He still doesn't know about my massive fall off the wagon, but I can't change what happened in the past. I feel healthy, strong, and done w/AL for good. Ultimately, you need to do what's right for you. :h

[Guest]

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OMG, do you know how many of us are EXACTLY like you? Do what ever it takes to get you through each minute....

[4theboyz]

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Day 10!!

Fabulous advice! Thank you all for you kind words of encouragement. Yes Tl, for better or for worse my wife does deserve the truth from me and I do know she will be supportive it not relieved as well.

BTW having AL in the house was not as bad as I anticipated but I do know it has a lot of nasty tricks up it's sleeve and it is much too early in the game to take those kind of chances.

Thankful, I am taking vitamins galore right now mulit vit, milk thistle, selenium, zinc, B complex and valerian root as needed to calm and suppress urges. I am tethered to MWO for the much needed connection to the sanity that can be in such short supply these days.

Have a great day all!

[indiamike57]

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4theboys -

I agree totally with the previous posts - tell her, let her in, make her world more touhable and realiy passed (not eh lies and hiding) with both of doing today and the future for both of you "and for the boys".

Yours and her relief in sharing this together will be tangible.

Best wishes....Erin

[cowgal]

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agree

4TBZ, I agree w/ alot of what everyone has said, wish I had a hubby like that.............you are sensitive to her past experiences, care about what she will have to deal w/ when you keep drinking..............

I would tell her, she will love you more for it and can better "help" you...................you still are the only one who will or will not pour the beer/drink down your throat, but she can "support" you.............that will be such a benefit for your sobriety!! :armsaround:

Good luck and let us know how you are doing...............I NEED YOU!!! You are neck and neck w/ me in this "day-wise", so stick in there.....................PLEASE!!!???lease:

lots of love:h and HUGS:l !!!!

MA

[anxious]

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Wow,

Your were able to pour water in a martini glass. I'd say you did it superbly, and it nauseates you to think of drinking while the rest of us run from it and hope it doesn't catch us!!! Personally I don't want to tell my husband I'm quitting because its not an option for him right now. I know I lose my w/p when he brings Al home so in that respect maybe we are supposed to tell, but many people just stop and their spouse doesn't. Keep up the good work.

Anxious

[livingfree]

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question back for all of you here

TMI for my beloved!