Really struggling right now!

[TrillianToo]

So I've not had a drink for 8 days now, but it's been very hard.

The pain is extremely bad.

I just about threw up trying to get dressed today, from the pain, and nearly passed out at one point when I stood up to reach for my water glass.

I feel like I'm losing my mind from the pain, I'm even begging my body to pass out so I don't have to endure it (though I did nearly pass out in the shower just now, which is dangerous).

I want a drink to stop the pain so dang bad I could scream - if it wouldn't hurt so dang much to scream.

I don't want to talk of doctors, been there, done that, it can take years, decades even, for someone in chronic pain to get appropriate pain medication. That's an ongoing battle that is unresolved.

I have no idea how to get through one more day of this - and each day the pain is worse than the last!!!! With alcohol, I could relax, relax my body, relax my mind, ease and breathe the pain down, and then the next morning feel better. Nothing else works. I feel like I'm going insane.

I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[startingover]

Really struggling right now!

Hi Trillian, it sounds as if you are going through hell just now..... What have you done to manage your pain in the past (other than alcohol)?

[TrillianToo]

Really struggling right now!

Yea, like I said, been to dozens and dozens of doctors, still working that angle, don't want to talk about that - cuz it doesn't help! I've seen doctors .... if I could just get pain meds I wouldn't need to post.


For how I dealt with it in the past, well, living alone I would breathe, meditate, work on getting totally relaxed, even if it took hours - unless I was losing my mind or wanted to kill myself to make it stop, then I'd drink.

But my BF works at home, and we're in the same small space all the time. In order to deal with his running around the house, clients at random times, multiple interruptions I have to stay in a state of readiness, tension, to be ready for anything. It makes the pain worse.

But if I don't do that, if I try to stay relaxed through it all, with all the interruptions, startlements, and general high-energy of the house (not to mention every client wants to chat with me a while, both coming and going) I have a complete emotional breakdown, I scream like a harridan, and then we get into a huge fight.

The only room I can comfortably be in is the living room, which is where the front door is, so they always have to walk back and forth through the living room. The bedroom is uncomfortable (unless I lie down and stare at the walls all day), and the one bathroom is right next to the office, so I can't even take a bubble bath, or a hot shower, and moan away and relax away the pain.

That's the other thing - being alone, I'd make noise, I'd whine, moan, groan, swear, whatever, and it really helped. But with clients here I have to be quiet all the time - and if I do it too much it really bothers my boyfriend (he gets really concerned but it comes out in the form of a fight).

[Starlight Impress Forever]

Really struggling right now!

Hi Trillian,
First off, I`d like to say what a huge effort you`ve made in not having had a drink for 8 days. I have a family member who suffers chronic pain........no relief from pain killers and they can`t tolerate morphine........surgery looks imminent, so I can relate to what you describe. Is understandable that you treat alcohol as a welcome release from some of the pain.

I have no great words of wisdom, just know that I care. :l

Star x

[startingover]

Really struggling right now!

It sounds like your situation is pretty intolerable. I hope this doesnt sound trite but I guess for now you need to look at short term help in the form of relaxation and some form of medical intervention and then work on a longer term solution like having your own space. Does you bf realise what you are going through?

[TrillianToo]

Really struggling right now!

I'm not really sure he gets the depth and breadth of it because the whole time he's known me I've used alcohol to help moderate the pain and cope.

He does see it, though, I mean we DO live together, after all, and it's hard to avoid, and he has bought me the alcohol.

But I also don't go screaming around the house about it, I don't constantly cry, whine or complain about it, I try to put on a happy face about it, because not only is it not fun to be with someone who is miserable, it's not FUN to be miserable.

Trying to be happy, normal, helps. Wholly embracing the misery of it can be dangerous.

But I don't really know that he "gets" it.

And yeah, when I am better, when Ic an work, when I have money, I plan to get my own home office (a home type space that is my office) so if I need to, I can just go there and hang out, bring the cats, watch TV, sleep in my bed, etc.

But that's then, and this is now .....

One day at a time???? Try one half-second at a time!!!!

[TrillianToo]

Really struggling right now!

Oh, and thanks, Star, I appreciate your words.

That's what I always told myself before - because when the pain was either negligible or tolerable, I didn't drink. But when it was intolerable to the point it affected my mind, my moods, my ability to function to a signficant degree, it seemed reasonable to have the alcohol assistance to get through it, since I don't have the pain meds that are so helpful.

It's just so hard living through this right now and trying to honor my committment I made last Tuesday morning to not drink - and it was something I wondered about even then - how the heck do I get through this without something to help dull the screaming pain?

[cuckoosnest83]

Really struggling right now!

Trillian, I'm sorry about your circumstances. I don't know what to say other than I hope things turn around for you. I can't imagine the stress you are under and staying AF under that type of stress is pretty amazing. Congratulations on that.

[startingover]

Really struggling right now!

Long term pain must be pretty impossible to live with. I think you are very brave. But like you say, you need some short term relief.

[startingover]

Really struggling right now!

I have heard about electronic pain relievers I think they are called TENS machines. Or is that a stupid idea?

[gabby1go]

Really struggling right now!

T,

How are you right now?? I'm not familiar with your story, why are you in so much pain?

[TrillianToo]

Really struggling right now!

Thanks for the support!

I have chronic back pain from a herniated disc that impinges on my spinal cord. There's treatment that could help, we found a new doctor FINALLY that thinks he can actually help, but we can't afford the treatment.

I don't know anything about the TENS machines, but I'm open to just about anything - thing is, whatever we do we have to be able to get on our own, without a doctor, without a prescription. Long story, kinda touched on it, but just don't want to have that conversation.

Anything I do, I have to be able to create myself, do myself, buy online, go to the store to get, and it has to be relatively inexpensive. Most things people have me try to do is excrutiatingly painful - someone had me working a Chi machine (not sure of the spelling) and I thought my brain and eyeballs were going to run out my ears, it was so painful. A couple weeks ago a yoga instructor had me doing basic poses and my head was swimming from the pain. I was so glad he left so I could stop and relax, zone out. Five mintues more and I probably would have thrown up on him.

Earlier I asked my boyfriend about having a glass of wine (we have a bottle), and he said he didn't think it was a good idea. I just broke down - there's a part of me that wants to have that relief. It's so emotionally wearing, not to mention the fact I can hardly move or do anything.

Honestly, were I alone, I'd just have a drink, cuz I know how to do it right, and when I do it right, then the next day I'm so much better (not to mention getting through the day is so much easier).

But having heard that, I just feel so .... lost, like I'm at the bottom of a pit there's no hope of escaping. I'm finding it harder to cope now.

[startingover]

Really struggling right now!

Trillian, you are doing amazingly well even attempting this. I take my hat off to you.
I think you can get a TENS machine online and I dont think they are expensive. I have heard good results. It is a machine that you attach to yourself and it isnt painful. Do some research on the net it might help you.
I wish you lots of luck my friend.

[TrillianToo]

Really struggling right now!

Thanks! I checked out the TENS machines, they're not that expensive, but you do need a prescription.

Thanks also about your comments about attempting this ... honestly I don't really want to. If my BF and I hadn't gotten in such a huge fight when he interrupted my "be at home alone day to work it all out of my system", I wouldn't even be trying. Life his hard enough being in constant pain. But having to fully feel excrutiating pain???? That's just crazy.

[startingover]

Really struggling right now!

Oh, I thought you could get them here without a script? UK?
Well, stick around here whatever you decide to do. There is always lots of support. It must be pretty lonely being in agony all the time?
I really do feel for you and hope that something can be sorted soon...