I'm back to my old ways..and then some

[chardy]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Hi mate,
Tried to reply to email you but computer keep freezing, glad to here your doing ok,
I am doing a little better myself not completly AF i have a pre-mixed scotch everynight
At least thats better than 2 to 4 ltrs of wine ( which is what I normaly do ) but still not happy with myself.
I guess we are all here for the same reason, just to know we are not alone in this struggle is of great comfort to me. I will try and email you again a little bit later.
my thoughts are with you take care check back soon xx

[Hopeful mom]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Ange,
We all (women) have these hormone issues. I am almost ten years older than you and am going through different hormone issues. It is unbelieveable that we have to suffer through these things...add to it alcohol and we are a mess. I am still there and struggling with you!! Keep in touch.

[sunshine_gg]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Funny, you guys mention hormones. It just occurred to me that PMS time seems to be the time I really lose it. *sigh

[zuzublue]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

I will say a prayer for you. I started this program Oct 31 and decided to abstain for at least 30 days. I have tried so many times before with out using Topamax, sups and hypno cds and it was so hard. It was like I was my own worst enemy. At 4 or 5pm the anxiety would step into the picture and and I just HAD to have a drink. I NEEDED it to function and finish my nightly duties (dinner, kids homework, baths, dishes, laundry, house cleaning, ect.) Then after a few shots, the alcohol in my system kept me drinking until I would be too drunk or tired to drink any more. The next morning I was always filled with remorse and guilt and self loathing. Those emotions are just as toxic as the drink. GUILT does not help you quit drinking. So quit feeling guilty and get a plan in motion. The only other way I could quit drinking was to take up another bad habit...smoking. This is just not an option anymore. Following this program has given me back my life because I am not consumed and controlled by my need for alcohol. I hope you find something good from my words. I will keep you in my prayers.

[zuzublue]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Angelique;476740 wrote: Hi Gia,
I thought about it because I did have it with my first child (pretty bad actually). This time it doesn't feel like that. But I defintely have some imbalance going on. I just don't want to be put on antidepressants like last time. It was so hard getting off paxil. I hated it. Oh gosh I remember the days of drinnking while on paxil. A friggin nightmare. I just have a drinking problem and I have to admit that it's getting to be out of control and I have to do something about it before I lose my mind and my family. I can tell my husband is getting disgusted with my behavior. I think he knew yesterday when I was "sneaking" drinks. Oh God and then my mom dropped by to bring us some home made pie and I was totally lit. She kept getting close up to me to tey to smell my breath. I am so embarassed I want to die. Why do I do this to myself? Does anyone take the topa? Does it really work? How about the Anabuse (sp?) Is that too drastic? Oh I really need some advice. Also... I called one of my superiors from work last night around 8 or 8:30. Luckily she is a friend of mine and she sent me an email regarding maternity leave and I call her when I'm half in the bag to talk about it at 8 O'CLOCK ON A SUNDAY NIGHT!!! I AM SO ASHAMED!!! How will I face her again? I can't remember what I said to her exactly. This has got to STOP!!

The Topa works. Please try it. Make an appt with a psychiatrist and tell him you want to try it. If he asks why Topamax, tell him because it is the only anti craving med that one can take while trying to taper off alcohol. The others, you have to already be AF. I believe you can avoid going into a detox center if you do it this way. If you quit drinking cold turkey, you can have some serious withdrawls. So it's better if you can taper off. It would have been impossible for me to do that with out the Topamax. It was the easiest thing for me to not drink after a week of topa. And even the day I started the med- I drank only ONE drink. I really didn't need or want any more. Hope this helps.

[Angelique]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Zuzublue (cute name),
Thanks for the support and the info. It is so true what you said about the guilt not helping with anything. It only makes you want to drink more...I think.? I am so apprehensive to try the topa because I keep hearing mixed messages about it. I also am afraid of the whole pill dependency...you know? But, it has to be better than drinking too excess.

[bestlifeldms]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Angel,

Very empathetic toward the PPD situation. Had it after the birth of my twins pretty severely. Our daughter has one child and will not have another because hers was unbearable. If you get a chance, read my post in "Need help, ASAP" titled Encouragement. Maybe it will help a little. You have such a great advantage in that you are doing something about this, while you still have most of your life ahead of you ~ as well as the life with your sweet baby. Your baby deserves a sober Mamma and you deserve a wonderful life. Hugs, Best

[Angelique]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Dear Best,
Your post is so heartfelt and honest. Those are two qualities that I admire most. It did help reading it. I'm struggling right now with my own demons so to speak. I know in my heart that I am not a normal drinker and that moderation is probably not an option for me.....at least for the long run. I am doing ok now, but it is a lot of hard work to keep up this front. I've been doing it all my adult life really....moderate, abstain, get loaded, moderate, abstain, get loaded. Right now I'm in between moderate and abstain. But, I know that I will have to get off this ride soon...like yesterday.

[Sunbeam]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Angelique,
Did you make a list yet, of all the things you hate about drinking? That really helped me to stop. Writing it down makes it so much more real. That's why we learn through posting also, I think. Posting helps me understand my thoughts.

[Angelique]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Sunbeam,
No I haven't made the list yet. I think I can start on it tonight. Posting has made a huge difference in the way I both think and feel about my drinking. It's like I'm more aware of how and when I do drink. It was like I was on "auto pilot" before. And, if anything I'm having more AF days. That has made an overall improvement in my life.

[Wizard]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Old Ways

Angelique....I was married for 23 years to a wonderful woman...but we never could talk about my drinking problem. It was something that at best she "hinted" that she felt I had a problem and for my part I just swept it under the carpet and lived with the guilt of knowing I had a problem but didn't have the courage to deal with it.

My marriage ended 3 years ago largely due to my drinking, but also due to the lack of communication about it (and heaps of other things as well). I have a new partner now and we plan to marry next year. She also likes a drink socially but after 6 months with me she felt that I had a problem. It was right from that moment that we discussed it and I could finally share my problem with someone who loved me and wanted to help me. I made the decision that she and my family were more important to me than drinking. I remain alcohol free.

If you haven't already, share it with your husband........please, please, please. He needs to be aware that this is a medical condition.....it's just not you being weak. It's way deeper and more than that, and you have an awful lot to loose (as does he) by not tackling this.

I agree with Sunbeam....write that list out and keep it with you. I have it as a card in my wallet and another one in the car. One of the things I really hated about drinking was that it costs marriages. That one heads my list........Not this time!!!

Just keep going forward Angelique

[aliame]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

I am so glad I read this post, I started drinking when my babies were very young and have been living with the guilt of this ever since. I never drank when pregnant or breast feeding, but was out of my tree on my little girl's 1st birthday. I was not depressed, just drinking.
I thought I was the only one,I am scared.

[Angelique]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Dear Wizard,
Your post is brutally honest. Something I am not qwuite ready to be with my husband.iLike I have posted before, He sees and addiction as a weakness. I have seen him react very coldly to people that have reached out to him when it has anything to do with "choices." He doesn't buy into alcoholism being a disease. He always refers to me "as the strongest woman he has ever known". Maybe that's his way of saying "I know you can control yourself, but don't want to?" I have debated with the idea of sitting down with him, but am too scared to. He no longer speaks to his brother after his brother lost everything he had to a gambling addiction. He called him "weak" and a "loser." His brother has asked him for help many times. the last few times he didn't want financial help , he just wanted his support. But, my husband kicked him out of our house! I felt so bad for the guy, he lost his wife and children....everything. Anyway I am fighting this war on my own for now. Maybe one day he will understand? I started my list last night and was surprised by how much I had on it already. I felt very "empowered" writing it out. It almost felt like I was building a wall against AL and myself. Each word was like a brick in that wall. Sorry to sound cheesy. Pipsqueak, welcome. This is a great place for support. In such a small time my state of mind has changed so much.

[Trying Tessie]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Hi all,

I was here before under a different name. I want to come back. I have been AF going on 4 days today so I am trying to go one day at a time and hope to at least go 30 days. Hard time to pick but use to never drink so I don't know why it matters what time of year it is. I can do this but need some support from here.

I do not tell anyone about this place but one person. I would like to learn how to moderate but not sure if that will work right now.

Thank you for being here .

[Angelique]

I'm back to my old ways..and then some

Dear Tessie,
Welcome back! Well sounds like you have the right attitude! You've done it before and you can do it again. I really think a lot of it has to do with your attitude and how badly you want sobriety. I'm still learning a lot, but have come a long way mentally and emotionally in such a short period of time. No one in my immediate family or circle of friends knows that I log onto here either...and I choose to keep it that way for now. I'm sure as I get more comfortable with the fact that I'm a "problem drinker" (hate the alkie word) I will "come out of the closet." (don't like that saying either?) It's not like it isn't obvious to others that I was always the one who would get the most drunk at parties or my speech was slurred when I called them at 10 p.m. (OMG) It's just something I am trying to first come to terms with myself. I suggest you read the book, and read as many stories on here as you can (there are new ones everyday). For me posting has helped big time!! Something about writing it down makes it so much more real. You can PM me anytime. I wish you all the best!