New low...

[MauMcL]

New low...

Oh my heart breaks to read this. You can't change things that happened in the past, as we here know all too well. We have all done damage to ourselves (physical emotional and psychic) and others with our alcoholism (or whatever you choose to call it). You are not alone...Please know this. Never give up hope, keep fighting for your sobriety. Your child will heal and forgive you and move on to forge a new relationship with you and make peace with past events...But only if you CHANGE. BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE. I'm praying for you. Best, MauMcL

[MauMcL]

New low...

Schaefer28;777044 wrote: Thank you everyone...so much...this support means everything. Hangingon...I haven't tried the Baclofen or Topa as yet, but I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday and plan to ask about trying something...best of luck to you on your journey. YoungAtHeart...you're right...I have a history of depression and anxiety....I know alcohol just makes it worse...but I'm scared of who I am without it...but more scared of who I am with it controlling my life. Shirazgirl...I'm so glad you said that about the antabuse...and I have to keep reminding myself that it is a good idea...today I was talking on the phone with my sister about Christmas dinner and things, and I was thinking...what have I done...I shouldn't have taken that...how will I ever make it through the holidays...ugh! Spectra...thanks so much for sharing your story, and I'm glad the Baclofen and supplements are working for you...gives me hope!Popeye...that's the thing...I would never intentionally hurt anyone...most especially my own family...growing up I watched my dad drink...he wasn't a mean drunk...but he said hurtful things that have stuck with me. KTAB...I so hope you right...I want and need this to be the trigger to put me on a better path. Crown86...the guilt has become my constant companion...I hope I can distance myself from it as well. Gearhead...I am so glad you and your son are ok...and that have learned from it, as you say that is all we can do. I hate all these thoughts in my head...that it is stupid to try to quit the week before Christmas...that maybe I should just avoid everyone over the holidays because my whole family drinks. But I also tell myself that it will be so much better for everyone if I don't drink again.

I feel the same -- all my friends and most of my family drink -- some to excess and some in moderation...But I see the problems/drama/havoc it wreaks...You can't worry about anyone else's drinking/non-drinking but your own...The only person you can change is you. xoxo

[Guest]

New low...

Lodestar and MauMcl..thank you for caring. I guess I need a better plan..so sick of myself...but when I come here and read that people are thinking of and praying for me...it means everything.

[greeneyes]

New low...

Hi schaefer. Just now reading this. I know what you mean by that "feeling a little better" when you imbibe a bit. Obviously that didn't last. It never does. It only gets worse. And worse. What do you say to your daughter, sorry I was sneaking vodka and was irritated. I remember someone talking about his (deceased) alcoholic mother and said that if she was placed in the middle of the sahara desert with no money, she would find a way to get vodka. Sadly, I understood. I agree with lodestar and maumcl. Analyze what could be done differently and be the change you wish to see. How much does your husband know?

[mollyka]

New low...

Hi Schaefer Greeneyes Mau Lodes, everyone else, with you all the way Shaef. I did the whole Christmas New Year, AF courtesy of Antabuse, lasted till 5th Jan, then ' forgot' to take Antabuse couple days an screwed up royally, milled the vodka and everyone then fighting with me. Made all the good work completely useless,and do you know the funny thing is I think my husband was thicker with me cos I connived not to take Antabuse than that I fell at all. Back again day 3, feeling ok but it all seems a bit sort of for other people not me. I know if I was going to be all alone today tonight and noone to answer to me I'd be sitting here at the fire watching tele and havin a lovely few drinks with noone cranky with me, shortsighted I know, and in the long run I know it has to be done......... do you think your hubby knew there was vodka in the 7up I always thought mine didnt know but now I wonder, not that it matters, good luck all and have a good day, its hard isn't it

[stirly-girly]

New low...

Hi Schaef. Stirly here. We haven't talked for a while. Sounds like you're having a bit of a rough time. Someone recently said to me that the reason they decided to finally, truly, stop drinking is because they were "sick and tired of being sick and tired". That hit the nail right on the head for me. When you can look at alcohol for what it is, what a truly poisonous thing it really is, then you can face up to the fact that it never has and never will do you any good. Someone recently posted that now that they are not drinking that they feel they are missing out on a little "treat" that they used to have when they got home from work and had their first glass of wine about 5pm. For alcoholics, alcohol is not a treat. It is not something we "deserve" after a hard day's work. It is our enemy. It is poison to our systems. It can knock the wind and the will out of a 95 lb. woman or a 350 lb. man with the same ease. One drink and we're down on our knees begging for more. So the thing is to look alcohol in the face and know that you are stronger. It is up to you to NOT open that bottle or can of beer. If the alcohol stays in the bottle or can, it is simply helpless to do any harm to you. So "treat" yourself to feeling better and living a better life. Because that is what you and your family "deserve". Nobody said it would be easy but it will be right. Take care and be strong. Your kids really need their Mom. Sober and healthy. Period.
Stirly:huggy

[sophie01]

New low...

Encouraging

:new:
I found you comments very helpful. I am amazed at how many people have problems with alcohol. I like man others have drank myself to oblivion on a girls night out ( never setting out with that intention. I tend not to remember the next day berate myself.One side of my brain knows alcohol is bad so I cant understand why I keep doing this. I am very worried but i am trying to get as much advice as I can to take control and be able to go out and enjoy myself and not come home in a drunken state.I am very ashamed and i know i have to break this pattern of behaviour but i am not sure how I can, but i am determined to try
Regards

Sophie 01

[stirly-girly]

New low...

Hi Sophie. Stirly here
First of all, :welcome: to MWO. Our basic message is the same to all. You wouldn't be here if you didn't have a problem with alcohol so that means we are all in this together. This is a place where no one judges, no one criticizes. I like to say that here at MWO you can bare your soul while still hiding behind your computer screen. Seems to make it easier to talk about our problems and what we've gone or are going through without having to reveal ourselves completely.
I am no expert but I do know this. Most of us who are alcoholics are not able to moderate. It's simply a fact. It's like someone else said - our brains are wired differently. There is no off button. For myself, there is never one drink. Once I have the first one I am on a downward spiral til I hit rock bottom. From what I've read here at MWO, very few people can actually successfully be long-term moderators. Most who try end up going past a couple of glasses of wine or a couple of martinis at some point and end up back where they started.
You have come to a good place. You have taken a big step by joining MWO and posting here. Read as much as you can, ask what you want. Try the Tool Box in "Long Term Abstinence and drop into the Newbies Nest. As Lavande says, there is always a twig waiting for you to perch on. I wish you luck. There are a lot of helping hands here, lots of people ready to reach out and help you along the way.
Take care,
Stirly
P.S. You might find it helpful to write down a little more about your problem, what triggers your drinking, etc. Getting it down in print somehow helps us face the problem better...

[Guest]

New low...

Hey greeneyes and mollyka...I don't think my husband knew I bought the vodka and put it in the pop bottle...or maybe he did. I'm sure he knew I was drinking when we got home...but he went to bed before the incident with my daughter. All he sees of me now is a horribly depressed person..or a drinking person...there is noone else. I have no doubt he is so sick of me...how could he not be? I thought antabuse was my answer...but I pretty much lost it on day two of taking it...what was I thinking...I can't do this...how much longer until I can please have a drink...ugh!! And thanks Stirly...you such a positive force here! Sophie01 I hope you come back and keep posting...obviously I am struggling but without this site I would be totally lost.

[Time4Change1]

New low...

hey guys. wow this thread hits close to home. the guilt, the embarassment, and the crazy things ive caused when ive been drunk. drunkn driving which could ruin my life in many different ways being one of the worst. alcohol is the devil. Im surprised your hubbys didnt realize there was vodka in the 7 up because if im correct vodka is easy to smell on your breath. But you may have kept your distance and not talked much where he would know you were drinking. People around me usually know, depending on how much I have. My drink of choice is wine. If i had two glasses, they couldnt tell, but three or four my mother would always look at me and say, " your eyes dont look right" or she'd smell it.

Im on day 3 taking baclofen. felt bad the first day, craving was intense, very irratable. second day felt euphoric. happy, excited about getting ME back again without alcohol. Day 3 today was different. i have insomnia seriousally, and slept terrible so maybe that was why I felt extra moody. pigged outa lot on food. funny i notice when i give up alcohol for a few weeks and the obsession starts to disappear, guess where i turn to? my binge eating episodes where I cant stop eating and eating.. its one thing to the other, showing that we ARE often looking to hide whatever depression or emotions we are feeling which led to the alcoholism in the first place.

but i recently embarassed myself in front of so many people close to me they all know i have issues with alcohol, but some know more than others. more than halfof people close to me think Im a serious alcoholic with severe issues. its so embarassing and horrifying to think about. but again the worst thing that scares me is this driving thing that i end up doing SOMETIMES. no matter what anyone says to scare me, i feel like im OK ( because of the high tolerance i have)but i certaintly would blow really high and my driving ability must be effected. its so scary. i wouldnt do this sober its when i have to much to drink i make these decisions. i have so much anxiety over what people think of me and my crazy alcohol behavior.

[mollyka]

New low...

Hi schaef and everyone else. yeah I know that feeling, really low and bored or drinking and then the following guilt, embarrassment etc. I feel now like everyone is talking behind my back i think they probably are and I feel so humiliated cos I used to be such a strong independent person. Time4change, I look back on the driving thing and my blood runs cold, how sober I thought I was but absolutely off my face. Dont think vodka smells that much but the eyes sure did it. Good luck everyone

[KateH1]

New low...

How is everyone doing? I doubt that there is one of us in this forum that has not made a complete fool of ourselves, damaged or destroyed relationships and even worse, due to alcohol! Yes, many of us still insist or insisted that we needed alcohol to make our lives better and more livible. When you really think about it, it really makes no sense whatsover!!

Living without alcohol is truly Living!

[mollyka]

New low...

HI Kate
When you have a little while AF you begin to realise just what a fool you must have looked, and how Al became THE relationship, the rest just chugged along, that is SO scary when sober you see these people - children, spouses that you let become at risk in your life because of this awful thing AL. I am only a couple of weeks AF but already things are really beginning to look and feel different, not saying I wont fall still have the moments of , maybe a wee breakout and then back on the straight and narrow!!! thats how powerful this damn thing is we can never let down our defences, ever

[Guest]

New low...

Hey Kate...as you say it makes no sense...but I can't seem to let go...and I hate it/myself.

[Guest]

New low...

P.S. Apparently I changed my name from Schaefer28 to Kimmie 28...I don't remember But my name is Kim and my nieces call me Kimmie...so this is me!