I failed.

[K9Lover]

I failed.

Hi Choice!
All I'm going to do is send you a big hug :l
You feel bad enough, and you know what to do from here. You CAN do this, we all have faith in you.
:h
K9

[DriftyAlison0]

I failed.

Choice I agree. Wait till your stronger to tell him, but do tell him someday. And don't beat yourself up. Take it ODAAT! I don't know what I would do if I were to slip now. But I am going to learn from others and not make the same mistakes that they did.

[Flossie]

I failed.

Hi Choice,

You say you failed, well I don`t think you have, you may only fail if
you ever give up trying to stop and I don`t think you are going to do
that, it is a blip and you will return bigger and better I`m positive.

Much love Flossie xx

[choice]

I failed.

Thank you all.

I keep reading and re-reading everyone's comments and feel very supported. I love this place because that horrible feeling of being alone with my demon is just too hard. I am physically feeling much better and mentally I'm doing better too. My new hubby felt really bad for snapping at me so came home early... which was not exactly how I wanted him to see me... curled up in bed still wearing my towels from a shower... at least I'd showered. He just thought I was really jet lagged. And I was.. since our wedding I haven't been able to sleep. Once I'd quit drinking my sleeping was really good. I'd always had insomnia as a kid and then as an adult. Some of my drinking in the past was to settle my mind so I would be able to sleep... it was a vicious cycle... that corrected itself once I stopped drinking. With all the stimulation of the wedding and all the crazy behaviour of my alcoholic family and hubbys groomsmen I have been just overwhelmed. My resistance got down.. I have noticed that jet lag sets off cravings before.. and insomnia is a big one too. Add up all the other stuff... and breaking the most simple rule of no alcohol in the house and I did fail. That time. But today is the start of my AF life again. 18 months AF and I feel so confident that I really like that life so much better. I hate alcohol. I really do. I feel humble about it today and I am just working on letting the slip be in the rear view mirror. I can still feel the AL in my system and just really feel respectful of it's effect on me. If anything... I feel stronger in my resolve not to drink. That grip for the one night was so strong and the next morning wanting beer is just so spooky. I think the only good thing about being an alcoholic is that there is an answer to the problem.. don't drink. I can at least count on that. It's the one thing I am sure of in my life. I'm not saying I'll never tell my new husband what I did. But it was my mistake and because it was "the straw" that broke because of him yelling at me... I don't think it's fair to place my drinking on him. He doesn't deserve that. And he doesn't need to feel fear about driving me to drink. My drinking was my choice alone... and I'll deal with this slip alone. And here because it's safe. I may never tell him.. but I think we have years ahead where i can or if he slips and feels bad.. I can tell him then... I don't know but I really feel that he doesn't deserve the brunt of blame that I know he'll take if I were to tell him what I did. Also, it's dangerous.. he may see it as a green light to have a slip himself.. and then I could slip again... I don't really want to find any of this out. Yes it sucks that I did this and start off with a secret.. but it's not the end of the world. Maybe years from now I'll confess right now he's got too much on his plate to worry about my sobriety too... also he looks to me for strength all the time to not drink. I've been SO strong... I think I'll just stay that way for now. I can handle it. I did tell my mom. She is such an amazing lady. She agrees not to tell him and said she is there for me to talk to in the real world. I don't see my self slipping again and if it becomes a habit then I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there.. with the accountable thing but right now I want to see it as an isolated event... and really keep it that way. I feel stronger today thank you all so much... it's too hard alone. I fricken have the shakes today... not something I miss. Tomorrow will be even better. And one thing this time starting AF... I don't have to wonder or ponder if in fact I have a problem or if I am an alcoholic.. yes. I am. It's okay.. I just can't drink and I'm fine.

[Doggygirl]

I failed.

choice, welcome back to the wagon. :l:l I can certainly respect the difficult choices you are making right now. I am so glad you have your Mom for support. The most important thing is to get right back on this wagon. I realize more and more every day that no matter how much time goes by, we just can't take our sobriety for granted. At Christmas a client gave my husband a couple bottles of wine. My husband said he would get rid of them, but he was busy at the time and stuck them up in a high cupboard. I saw them. I let them sit there for a while knowing they were there. I'm glad he got rid of them before my sneaky alcoholic brain got any bright ideas!!!

I think this is a reminder that if we succeed by maintaining alcohol free homes, let's just keep it that way!

Congratulations on your marriage - sober you will make it!

DG

[Jaxees]

I failed.

~Once I'd quit drinking my sleeping was really good. I'd always had insomnia as a kid and then as an adult. Some of my drinking in the past was to settle my mind so I would be able to sleep... it was a vicious cycle... that corrected itself once I stopped drinking~ That happened for me also, from reading I had expected to not sleep well after not drinking, it was the opposite.

Congrats on the 18 months and congrats on not drinking the beers, especially not drinking them after the almost bottle of wine! (Although I am sure that 3 glasses of wine is not a lot or 'too much' just way too much for those of us that can't stop at 3 glasses of wine!)

A wedding is such a stressful event. I think you did fantastic. I also went to one over New Years. Did not do well at the girls luncheon, got drunk but did do well at the ceremony and reception, had a few sips and left before anyone got out of hand. The least stressful wedding I have ever been to.

I would agree with all the posters, give yourself the break and feel proud at how great you have done. Also, I agree again, very scary to tell your husband about the wine, it may give his alkie (I say that with a loving tone, it's a gentle word to me)thoughts room to grow or worse room to condemn. This could be a great step for you both though, maybe a good marriage counselor would know how to handle this. Marriage dynamics can be so tricky! Add in addiction recovery, there is no road map on how to approach it when both parties involved have the addiction. For my marriage, it was wine for me, junk food for him and the dynamics were wild!

Thanks for posting about this, it has many ties to my life situation, even the alcoholic father. Mine just emerged after a decade of being 'gone'. He is once again sober, 40 months but should have died a few times.

Thinking of you.

[choice]

I failed.

Wow,
3 days AF and I am still feeling the effects of this stuff. I've been reading what I've written when I wrote that I "failed" and just am really glad to be getting back on track and back on the wagon. It's hard to believe that I slipped. I did not see it coming, and I'm really glad that I got support here and don't know what I would have done without support at least from somewhere. I've noticed that while I am back on track... my willpower is down. Luckily I am just falling back on everything I learned the last time. I think I've had enough sober time under my belt to know how I want to be living. I'm coming down from a lot of things.. the wedding was really stressful. As well as I did not drinking.... it was around me a lot.. AND it did have a huge impact. I tested myself a lot by being in these situations. It was all a new part of my sobriety.... Being AF around alcoholics raging. It did not look appealing at all, yet, I slipped weeks later. I also thought I'd be more upset about breaking my days up. It sucks that I have to start over counting days... and I didn't understand why someone would slip after having such a chunk of time. Now I do. Even though I don't battle this addiction everyday like I use to. It is always just a sip away. I was confident that I wouldn't ever drink again and now I'm confident that I am going to just start over. All I can do is keep trying and never give up. Also, sadly but I think a truth that I need to recognize is that it is not good for me to be around too many heavy drinking situations in a short period of time. No madder who it is or how much I love them. As much as I don't want to admit it... it did take a toll.... I don't have anything coming up where this can happen again.. but just wanted to document it for myself here. My hubby keeps talking about how glad he is that we don't drink at the moment and is talking about all the situations. He is livid with his friends and we are both off facebook. He is talking quite a bit about drinking which leads me to believe he's working stuff out too. I've been the leader on this sober plight so I'm just lending my ear. I would love his support with my slip... but can't risk the danger it could bring. I have MWO and I don't know how I could figure out this battle without the support here. I think we'll be alright. I can't wait until I have 30 days free again. For the most part I'm doing well.

[Doggygirl]

I failed.

Choice, first off, I'm just glad you are here and back on the wagon!!!

You said something that I too have been struggling with. I'm OK on the AL front, but ever since I let sugar back in my life about 2 years ago, it's been a real up and down struggle. Most recently, I quit sugar the day after Thanksgiving and stayed on my plan all the way though Christmas. After making it through all those holiday events, etc. keeping my mits off the cookies and fudge, what did I do? A few days after Christmas I caved!!! This is not a first. There have been many other times in life where I have made an important goal, only to blow it shortly after.

So anyway, I join you in pondering this one. Would love feedback from others who have struggled with this pattern and found a way to overcome.

I wonder sometimes why it's so hard with sugar but I don't really struggle with the issue as far as AL goes????? :nutso: I think I'm CrAzY!

DG

[fluff]

I failed.

Keep writing and stay strong- I've been following you from the beginning and I admire what you went through without pouring alcohol down to numb the feelings- I'm learning from you- keep strong.

[AMELIA]

I failed.

Choice,
I have just read right through all of the posts on this thread. Good to read that you are on Day 3AF and are reflecting on how you got to drinking the bottle of wine. Sounds like you have had a stressful time of it recently. At the moment I am just over 20months sober & can not imagine picking up. However, I have been sober for much shorter periods before - and was certain I wouldn't pick up again, yet did.

It is a cunning and powerful thing alcoholism. Keep at the self reflection and reminding yourself of the sober life you were enjoying beforehand. Glad to read that for the most part - you are doing well!

Doggygirl - I too still have issues with sugar and caffeine in recovery. I think sugar delivers a similar kind of feel good 'hit' in the brain as alcohol (alcohol is made with a lot of sugar). I went into sugar consumption overload when I first got sober. At the moment my intake fluctuates.

Caffeine (and I drink a lot of it) produces a different type of feel good 'hit' or high. But both sugar and caffeine have negative side effects - mainly as stressors on the nervous system. I really wonder sometimes whether I keep on drinking excess caffeine, just to keep my body in a sort of stressed state (like it was when drinking for the last decade or so), because to feel calm and centered is still quite alien to me......??

Amelia

[4theboyz]

I failed.

Coffee and chocolate give the same glycemic rush alcohol does and why coffee and sugars can be problematic for alkies. Your brain loves that same up down it is so used to and continuing to consume copious amounts of sugars and coffee chemically mimic the alcohol rush and you are in a way maintaining that hard wired connection to alcohol.. Where if you abstain coffee and sugars along with booze you break that cycle and habit cold.

Read about it here...
Identifying & correcting the biochemical disruption of hypoglycemia and alcoholism

[AMELIA]

I failed.

Thanks 4theboyz, will read the link.
Amelia

[westiesrock]

I failed.

Hi 4theboys,
Thanks for the link. I am on Day 7. Yesterday saw a huge spike in cravings for nicotine and sweets. (I had pretty much given up sugar about a year ago, so this unusual craving was pretty apparent to me.) I just downloaded the book. These two culprits have to go along with caffeine. Noted in the web link that those that don't give these up have a higher percentage of relapse with AL. I've read so many books but for some reason not this one.

[Dina]

I failed.

Thanks 4theboys, great link - explains a lot !

[4theboyz]

I failed.

I couldn't help but laugh as last nite I went to my first AA meeting and on the tables were bowls of candy and these people were gobbling up the stuff like kids on Halloween.

I guess there is just so much info out there...where to do you start?? Bottom line is there are no easy answers. I have a link on my tagline here to a video series that a Doctor made and one segment deals with the very thing. Long term addicts develop a brain chemistry reaction that is pretty much permanent and very difficult to avoid. Sugars, caffeine even sex can recreate this glycemic high we crave and the more you travel that path the more your body and brain remembers the alcohol buzz and the harder it becomes to avoid that craving. So it only makes sense by eliminating these glycemic spikes we can give ourselves time to heal and avoid massive craving responses.