Relapse-Anxiety-Guilt

[briseus]

I definitely am worried about the holidays...with all the Christmas parties and such...but will try and not think too far ahead...

I had a question - how many times did you guys 'relapse' or 'slip' before it finally caught on? I was/am reading a few books on recovery and such...and the theme is that many people end up falling a few times before it finally sticks...what is it that makes it finally stick? I am just curious about individuals stories...and if there is any truth to it?
Anyways...Monday morning...I am not a fan of Monday's...off to the Newbie's Nest I go...I should probably get around to posting there...I usually just peruse and read how other's are doing.

[treetops]

Bri - if you do an advanced search with the word relapse on MWO you will find a lot of threads about this. Search under the thread title. I think its quite normal for people to stop and start before they quit. Avoid the horror stories though as you dont need them! I stopped when I ws pregnant and started (not hugely) after birth - don't know if that counts. I also stopped once for c 9 months and started again on an overseas trip. - I didn't go into an all out binge but the drinking crept up slowly and in quantity. What finally did it for me - really wanting to stop forever, the reality that I would probably die of liver or a related disease within the next few years - and my love for my daughter - stopped me in my tracks. I did lots of research, tried all the usual support groups and medications (not Bac though) and finally did a short stint with AB to give me some AF time. MWO was also crucial -as was changing my daily habits - the latter was hard and slow but its now my normal. And the support of my lovely daughter and partner (he's not always so lovely!). But I did this while under huge commitments at work. I also stopped making excuses and banned the word stress from my thinking (even if I have been probably facing this - and I mean a lot! But I do not find it productive or helpful for me to use the word stress. It can become a way of thinking that cripples. Thats just me and we are all different - and many people face horrible and challenging things that I have not - like severe poverty, violence, loss etc. Sorry for the rant but you asked!

[treetops]

PS and I don't like Mondays either - I do try to, but I always find it hard to sleep on Sunday night as my mind is racing about the week ahead. So Mondays I am usually a zombie. But not a hungover one!

[briseus]

Thanks for that TT and no it wasn't a rant. I am glad that you shared with me...with all of us.
You know what I realized my problem was? That I half expected others to do the work for me. I always tell my partner "YOU can't let me drink. YOU can't let me buy it". Blablabla. I did that with a friend too. But I realized through the help of a friend on here that I need to find that internal motivation in order for my quit to stick. I need to be mindful and aware of my goals and what it is I want out of life and it's one where alcohol isn't involved. At all. Because it doesn't help me reach those goals. It's that internal motivation that I need help with. I am good on all fronts emotionally. I need the action. That first step. And I wonder why that fear is so overpowering at times. Which leads me back to drink or even back to anxiety and unhealthy behaviors.
I am feeling really depressed lately. Don't know how to pull myself out of it. But at least for this moment I am sober and not chasing that high. I just need to learn how to deal with me in healthier ways.
I agree with what you say about stress too TT. With my anxiety and OCD I have difficulties differentiating.
I need to practice more gratitude as well.

Wow. Long list of things I need to do. Phew.

[treetops]

Remind yourself too that AL is a depressant - but of course when depressed AL becomes part of the relief - so its a vicious circle. The relapse is bound to have accelerated (or was precipitated by) your depression - and now that you are newly sober again - you are bound to still feel low - even depressed. Hopefully this will lift. Yes, internal motivation is crucial but we all need external support I think. I am not a great fan of the idea of the autonomous neoliberal individual being a mistress of the destiny of their health (and therefore totally responsible - you know - the argument that its people's own fault if they get so-called lifestyle diseases and mental problems). If it were so simple…
Are you seeing a doctor and/or counsellor for the depression, anxiety and OCD? I think you are - so I hope they are giving good advice and suggesting useful medications - if the latter will help. And you go to the gym don't you - exercise, creative outlets, meditation for some people - all helps a lot as well. Hang on in there!

[briseus]

Thanks TT.
You're right, we do need that external support - but can't do much without the internal motivation. If we don't want to quit then.....well, you already know waht I am talking about.
I am seeing a counselor but need to see a psychologist to properly diagnose and treat my OCD. No meds right now, just Ativan for anxiety which I am trying to stay away from...as it is highly addictive.
I do go to the gym 5x a week...I am looking into meditation and mindfulness....

I just want to say and be honest that I slipped last night. I was home alone...took two hours to get home because of horrible weather...struggling to find a new job as there isn't much out there in my area....I received a piss poor mark on a final assignment at school which they are giving me a chance to redo but I honestly don't know what it is I did wrong because I was pretty damn confident I did so well...and then I got a harrowing phone call that my Father's health is not the best and needs to go for an emergency procedure...I have never really dealt with all these huge life experiences at once. I know that it is God trying to teach me a lesson and instead of listening I blotted it out.

How do you guys deal with experiences like this when trying to get sober? I thought I had problems before...ha...I would rather go through what I did before then all these big life changing things and this incessant fear that I feel in my chest.
Back at it again today....just need a bit of support today.

[treetops]

oh sweetie don't beat yourself up. Don't see this a deluge and a path to keep on drinking. It will just become a trap and it really sounds like its not going to help your state of mind. I find it tricky to give advice on dealing with life crises - especially you are much younger than me. I just know that I faced many such crises and while I didn't drink through them, and I feel I did deal with the crises in often quite practical and rational ways - I did use booze as my crux - as the afterwards relief, especially late at night. That was when I was younger and it just builds up and becomes a habit, the normal part of our lives - and then its a personal issue that is so so hard to stop when you are older.
I suggest you break down these things that you are facing and try not to see them as connected. Do what you can with each crisis. The exam that you can redo - is one of those things that can be hard to understand - but it happens. I work in higher education and I suggest you do the re-sit and give it your best. The weather is crap, its horrible where you are - but you can't control this. Try to comfort yourself as best you can - keep warm - wear layers etc. Your Dad is ill - and while I don't know the details - talk to him and any family members (if you can that is) and spend time with him if you can. It doesn't have to be much time - just do what you can.
I personally (and this is just my view) don't think "that it is God trying to teach me a lesson". But we have different spiritual views. If one believes in God I would like to think that she is compassionate and forgiving.None of us is perfect and we make the most stupid mistake s throughout life. And we keep on having to face blows and crises throughout life.
Final piece of advice is that you have a lot on your plate at the moment and turning to AL will most likely make it harder to cope and deal with things. Break things down in manageable bits, do whats most urgent, don't agonize too much about the distant future and rest assured that its not your fault that we are dealing with the effects of Climate Change. XXX

[open halo]

Is it ever demoralizing

[briseus]

Sorry - what do you mean Open Halo? I see you're new here. Welcome.

TT - thanks so much. Sorry haven't been on here much - trying to focus...and trying to get back at it with school and whatnot. But you're right - I used to use alcohol as a crux for pretty much everything as well...the thing is...those problems are still there until you actually deal with them sober.
But I have been working on breaking these things down...one by one...and so far so good. I think that is what is most important.
I am also going to try and make it to an AA meeting tonight (depending on work schedule as I am still working until January) just so that I have that support around me as well. It's definitely difficult to go at it alone.
I think the most important thing, as everyone here has been saying, is support. It's really hard to do this on your own and on sheer willpower.
I have looking over my old journal entries and also trying to identify how it was that I came to relapse...so that I am prepared...and so that it doesn't happen again.
Oh and the holidays...I always drank during the holidays so I need to read up as much as possible and stay close to here for those times...

[briseus]

Also - Open Halo - if you mean that my experiences are demoralizing I don't agree with you - everyone is on their own journey and by saying that it also has an effect on my own confidence, not just yours. My life isn't yours. And vice versa. I slipped up...many do. I know why I slipped...and now will be more prepared to see these signs.
IF that comment was meant in a derogatory way - it's not particularly welcome on this thread....unless you mean it in a general sense...slipping up...in that case, I do agree with you...when you have these relapses...you do lose a bit of confidence in yourself and your journey...I guess we just gotta putter through, not put so much pressure on ourselves, get all the support we can get and have faith and hope.

[abcowboy]

bri, I never want to sound like I'm not supporting someone, because we've all been down this road....

I really need or deserve a drink because..(insert excuse here)

" I was home alone...took two hours to get home because of horrible weather...struggling to find a new job as there isn't much out there in my area....I received a piss poor mark on a final assignment at school which they are giving me a chance to redo but I honestly don't know what it is I did wrong because I was pretty damn confident I did so well...and then I got a harrowing phone call that my Father's health is not the best and needs to go for an emergency procedure... "

Or in my case, my younger brother just died of a heart attack, my dad just had a massive stroke, my dad just died of cancer, my older brother just died of a heart attack, my mom just died from a broken heart, all of which happened to me, in that order, over a 10 year span! What did I do? Bought into the excuse that I deserved to drink as much as I could! But now, I see that although they were tragedies in my life, they were also excuses! It was time to quit making excuses and look at myself for who I had really become, and start working on the person who I want to be, no more excuses :hug:

[briseus]

Wow. Abcowboy....how did you get through it all? I am sorry that you had to go through all of that...that must have been really difficult.
You're so right....they are excuses...when I look for a reason to drink - it's just that. An excuse.
And it's also true and very important...that you need to start working on the person you want to be...you can't do that while drinking.

I know I should stick close to these threads. Need to make more of a conscious effort to do so (no excuses)...
Still looking for work (wow, it's hard right before Christmas!) and finish up school...
I did wanna share a site that I found - that has helped get through those particularly difficult sober days. Not sure if we can share links on here, but if you Google Spiritual River there are a lot of great articles on there...not sure if anyone has checked it out before. Some good things to read through there...maybe I can post some interesting/inspiration/motivational tidbits on the NN.

Hope everyone is doing well.
Need to read up also on how to get through the holidays!
Bri.

[See the Light]

Bri- If you were still looking for threads on relapse, the one below started by NS is one I am subscribed to and read occasionaly when I feel like I could being showing signs.. stay strong

https://www.mywayout.org/community/showthread.php?73619-Relapse-in-Retrospect

[briseus]

Thanks so much See the Light - I will definitely check this thread out.

[treetops]

How are you doing Bri? I have been off the threads for a wee while as I was travelling.