What comes next?

[Finding My Self]

What comes next?

Mags - never apologise for a post like that!! It was wonderful and thank you.... Clear and concise descriptive words just leaping off the page at me...

F xx

[Sigh]

What comes next?

Mary I've felt the same way sometimes about being qualified to post here. Tomorrow will be my first month now AF but it's the hardest days that are most important. It seems to come and go but some days, we I think all know them, it is like torture. There's a lot of good reason for people to say "take it one day at a time". It's also a very great reason to never once append "only" to how long you've been AF. It's the hardest days I remember most and where I'm most proud of myself, but they are starting to blur for me as even after 1 month they are not happening as often. I know they will come again and maybe for the rest of my life.

The reason I post here is because Long Term Abstaining is my goal. I have made up my mind this is where I belong and I want to surround myself with people I can look to for guidance. Those who have arrived, those who are starting, and those who are struggling. I don't want narcotics to have a place in my life anymore, and if you feel the same way, or think you might feel the same way, then I think this is also the right place for you too.

But being AF was not the land of milk and honey for me. It was hell for the longest time. I gave up drinking not because I ever wanted to, but because I absolutely HAD to - was forced to by health, legal and other issues.

Mags, that is so absolutely on the mark. I also didn't want to stop drinking but I knew I had to. Maybe not for reasons as extreme as yours, but AF while being a choice, was not one that I was enthusiastic about. I guess from the outside people assume that going AF is like crawling out of this terrible place, at the bottom of a dark well, so you can see the sunlight again. I think a better analogy is a butterfly in a soft, comfortable, and warm cocoon. I think those of us here know we need to get out, but it's so hard to really do so. It's even harder not to crawl right back in, or at least leave a few feet inside, or stand on top of it, instead of taking off and leaving it behind.

I wish I could share how great my life has become since going AF. It's not like I've opened my eyes to this great new world that I didn't see in my cocoon, instead I've found other problems. They are the catch 22 because it's those problems that push me back towards wanting to drink. They aren't major problems on the greater scope, but it's ironic that for me it's the little ones that are the hardest to conquer.

This said, things are changing. I won't say each day, or any period really, but I can feel some changes. I don't know what they are yet and it's not always a conscious effort on my part to change something. Just some days, life somehow feels a bit different.. I also think it's important to say it does feel like a change for the better, consistently! Small changes maybe but good ones.

Discipline?
I guess the last thing and the reason I wanted to post today, is lately I feel a lot like the next step is learning discipline. Do you feel this also?

I want to get up earlier in the mornings, but I can't. I read Neil's thread about early mornings for him and I aspire for the same thing. However, each morning I sleep in and just cannot tolerate getting out of bed. I'm still exhausted and don't feel rested. I want to change this and that requires discipline. First step is that I need to go and see the MD to make sure there's not a medical reason such as apnea as some of the symptoms fit, but that takes discipline.

I want to start working out consistently again, but I'm not doing that yet. It takes discipline. I started but had 2 heavy weeks at work and missed most of the days, lost my routine and my enthusiasm. It takes discipline.

I feel great that I've made big strides to conquer AF, now I want to do the same for a variety of other things. Does this sound similar to others?

We have lots of free time now... I have found other things in my life I want to change... What are teh next steps?

[Sigh]

What comes next?

PS. Flip, I probably am a bit bipolar. We've all got a little in us I think.

[xtexan]

What comes next?

Sigh:

It may sound a bit overhashed, but I know where you are at. Those first difficult days, weeks, months are not a bed of roses. A bed of sharp nails more like it.

It took months for me to get anywhere near a feeling that it was worth it. I guess one just has to take it on faith, that the hard work will pay off in real dividends in time. That's one reason I stay on the boards. Many yearlings move on, and I see why they do. We need some sort of re-assurance day to day that the benefits of the sober life are real, and not imagined.

Please let me tell you, that it took a long time for me to "get in the groove" of the sober life. I was like a stumbling, awkward, drunk man for a long time, even though I had not had a drop of booze in months. My brain was rewiring itself, and now I see why. Some things just don't heal up in few days or weeks. I often say I still have a long ways to go, but now I know for certain that it is totally worth it.

Discipline amazingly enough, comes almost automatically with practice. Practice being sober is all I can say. Day after day, you have to practice being sober. Most of my life, after 35 years of boozing, revolved around maximizing the benefits of alcohol, and minimizing the payback. Now I see, I was almost insane for the longest time. There was no benefit. The perceived stress relief, and all the rest was always just an illusion. A temporary one.

I took some photos of myself in just gym shorts when I started out my program. I had not looked at them in months. I peeked at them yesterday, and then looked in the mirror. HOLY SMOKE! I have re-structured a dead man. It is amazing the difference, after almost 21 months of hard work. It is those moments, when you say to yourself, "YES!!!!", and you know you can go further.

The drive to become alive again gains momentum. It will be like climbing a steep mountain on a bike in the beginning. The climb will cause you focus on your own misery for the longest time. Then at some point, you reach the peak, and then suddenly the pedaling gets easier, and you sort of coast. Then you have to put the brakes on a bit to keep from crashing. That is hard to do, because it feels so good to rush downhill without effort. The crash is relapse. Sometimes, you just have to stop for a bit, and inspect things, like I'm kind of doing right now.

You'll get there, but it ain't easy. No one here will tell you that it is.

Neil

[Finding My Self]

What comes next?

Neil - thank you....thank you lots. That was a lovely post.

All the congratulations on 'restructuring a dead man' in the world.... I am so pleased for you (and I love those words!!)

Love
Finding xx

[Sigh]

What comes next?

I'm really happy for you having a month AF, I enjoy reading your posts and was worried about you when you had not posted in a while...keep up the good work and good WILL come out of it, I'm forever hopeful.

Don't worry I'm still around, I just don't post a great deal.

I've had some very rough periods where I was inches away from drinking. Ironically the hardest day was after we'd finished a big project and everyone was excited and congratulatory. I felt more like "hmm... this is it?". Anyway, I didn't drink and continue the self exploration.

I broke up with my girlfriend as well about a week ago. It was a tough time, maybe not the right choice, but then maybe the right choice.

I've also been reading a little bit about Taoist philosophy. It's quite fun because it's written from the perspective of "Winnie the Pooh". It's about finding happiness in the simplicity of just living. There's a story about 3 chinese wise men who dip their finger into a barrel of vinegar and taste it. The first two have negative reactions the last one smiles. I'm not sure of the painters meaning but to me it struck me of finding pleasure in new experience.

Growing up and into my mid-twenties I used to find true enjoyment whenever I encountered something new, which was pretty much always. New experiences and how we react to them is what defines us and is so much to be excited about. That's not to say I enjoyed the taste of vinegar, but rather the fun of doing something so wholey and entirely new. After which I think what a great place to be to smile and be thankful for a unique experience.

At some point along the line, and I don't know exactly when, things changed. I lost that and I think that's when I really fell to alcohol. We all know the feeling but i filled that void of where my happiness departed with the easiest thing I could.

I've reflected a lot since I stopped drinking about who I am and where I want to be. I don't know the answers yet, but knowing who I don't want to be has been enough.

Day by day, life can be a glorious journey or it can be just another day. More and more I feel a little like we here are the gifted ones. There's nothing worse IMO than going through life numb. Those of us who can really take the extreme rides to live and love the highs and lows. There's a lot in life and the world to be depressed about, but so too are there things to simultaneously be ecstatic about.

I don't have regrets and that includes my previous life with alcohol. It helped define who I am and put me in the position to reflective on who I am today.

I still don't know what ultimately comes next, but for me I know the next step that I haven't found the courage for. For me that's discipline. I haven't taken the full plunge yet but I'm slowly approaching unhealthy foods the same way as alcohol.

The disciplines I hope to find and ultimately let me live to be 150 are:

• Diet. Learning to eat the things that will make me feel great 30 minutes after eating rather than during eating.
• Exercise. Building the body that will stand the test of time, make me walk taller, and if it happens to draw the odd cute girl into my life then so be it :PWork. Finding ways to sharpen my axe rather than chopping continuously.

[jessie]

What comes next?

Hi Sigh,
I could have written the post myself - so much I identify with it. I feel stronger now because I have tacled my problem from all sides.
1. Spiritual - being a Christian I have started to really study the Bible and I'm sometimes mystified as to why I was so " blind' to the truths it contain for so long.
2. Excercise. Try to walk 30 min every day, no matter what the weather.
3.Diet. Making an effort to give my poor abused brain and body good nutrients to make up and hopefully reverse some of the damage.
Time management. Boredom is a major problem - I have started mosaic art and am really enjoying it. I hope you find something you will realy enjoy doing. Jessie

[slightlysuze]

What comes next?

I didn't see this thread when it started....maybe I hadn't arrived here then?? But it just sums things up so well.......thanks.

Suze XX

[Sigh]

What comes next?

Ulcerative Colitis came next for me. In a rather ironic twist of fate but I'm not physically able to drink alcohol anymore (among a whole huge number of other things). It's a bit of chicken and egg here, there's no direct evidence that alcohol can cause UC, however there's definite empirical evidence that it exacerbates the problem once you've got it. In my gut, no pun intended, I know that my long-term abuse of alcohol is a definite reason for where I am today. But it's ok, such is life and we move on Hopefully this post will add another little grain of sand towards tipping that monkey off your back.

On the upside, on the whole I'm doing well. I drank a few times socially since september but there were warning signs when I had a few drinks that I knew to watch carefully. In particular when I drank a few days in a row and I felt some cravings, I went back to cold turkey.

That said, I did only do this after I'd near completely killed the cravings/longings and replaced them with other pursuits (for me that involved self improvement, chasing girls, golf, and fine foods). For those of you newer to this and wondering, yes you definitely can get used to life without alcohol. IT WILL NOT BE EASY but ultimately is worth it. There are lots of addictions out there for us to find, many of them good ones. More and more I believe that addictive personalities are a great thing, they just require a little more conscious effort and direction. It's about finding your passion, which alcohol can in a lot of ways mimic but ultimately distracts you great and wonderful things.

Hope this post finds all of you well.

Cheers,
Sigh

[Guest]

What comes next?

Great to hear that you`re doing so well, Sigh and really revelling in your voyage of self discovery........that`s when the fun begins after quitting drinking, eh?

I think you have made a very valid point, that an addictive personality doesn`t have to be to our detriment, provided we channel that passion into doing something worthwhile with our lives.

Look forward to hearing more as you continue to grow in sobriety.

Starlight Impress x

[Mags]

What comes next?

Great to hear from you again Sigh. This was always one of my favorite threads and I have been wondering about you. I'm sorry to hear about the colitis, but I am glad you are happy with the AF life and are doing so well with it. We all still have a long way to go on this crazy journey. Don't be a stranger, buddy.