Relapsing

[Marshy]

I was at an AA meeting last night and the speaker mentioned that he'd been sober for four years, and then got "bored" - bored of AA, bored of being sober, and felt he had become boring because he didn't drink - and he started drinking again and drank for several months before stopping. He's now been sober again for a little over a year.

Some other people then talked about their own relapses, often saying they had also become bored of being sober after several years. And it got me thinking about a few things:

1. At the beginning of trying to stop drinking, I went to see a hypnotherapist. He'd been sober himself for 25 years and talked about the importance of "working at" your sobriety. I didn't understand what he meant at the time.

2. I've since learnt, of course, that there's a whole big ballgame to staying sober, and it's not just about not drinking.

But I suppose I was unsettled last night by the talk about relapsing. There are also people in that AA group who have long-term sobriety (20 years plus, so I can see that relapse isn't inevitable).

3. For the past year, I've been keeping an iron grip on my sobriety - very much "working" it, concentrating on what works for me, putting time and effort into staying sober and avoiding difficult situations or uncomfortable emotions as much as possible. I think I'm only now allowing myself to explore certain issues which might have contributed to my drinking, and starting to engage with those uncomfortable emotions. And also I'd like to relax the iron grip a bit - and stop avoiding things I find difficult.

4. No conclusion to this ramble, except that I'm feeling a bit rattled by finally allowing myself to tackle things which might have been reasons for me to drink and hearing the talk last night about relapsing after several years and knowing that's a possibility. Well, I knew it was possibility of course, but hearing about it from people with many years of sobriety who just got "bored" of it was a new thing for me. I didn't think by any means that I was "cured" of alcoholism but I suppose I was feeling quite secure in my sobriety and now maybe less so. I certainly don't want to drink and am not thinking about having a drink, but I'm feeling... unsettled.

5. No neat ending. Just getting it down "on paper".

[startingover]

Relapsing

Marshy, this is spooky, its pretty much how I have been feeling lately. Not like relapsing, but realising that I have to now deal with the reasons why I took drugs and drank. I feel now after a good time sober (18 months) I am just about ready to look at the tough stuff.
I havent felt like drinking, but I do wonder sometimes if its possible to stay sober forever. Yesterday I was thinking about being old, with nothing to do (mad I know) and whether I would hit the sherry :H
After a good bit of time sober, its probably a good thing to evaluate where we are with this. and your feelings of being unsettled are probably a good thing right now.
Hope it helped talking about it :l

[mario]

Relapsing

Good post marshy Although i am only 13 months alcohol free,i often wonder too is it possible to stay sober forever & ever,I know now that there is a lot more to being sober than to stop drinking and i am personally taken steps to prevent me getting complacent,I also use the tool of never forgetting what i was like drinking and i sometimes play out scenes in my mind to remind me of the dangers of having the one,it helps me..This is from an earlier post and its so true.Even if you have been clean and sober continually for more than five years, you are still one slip away from a relapse. In spite of your success, you will still be encouraged to utilize your booster sessions and continue your participation in your mutual support groups.,This is what i hope to do. :-)

[Marshy]

Relapsing

Thanks Starting & Mario.

Starting - it looks like you were up before dawn, too! This idea woke me up at 5am and it did help to write it down. I then went back to bed for three hours and got up thinking maybe I'd just been been spooked by it in the middle of the night. But it still stands, although doesn't look so bad in daylight. Still got the "stuff" to deal with, but I can see it will be good for me in the long run. Yesterday I was feeling a bit despondent about it but I'm feeling a teeny bit stronger today.
(And, yes, I know the thoughts about being an old woman on the sherry - it would fit my family history too!).

Mario - I'm going to AA with a view to long-term (maybe lifelong?) support. I suppose I was rattled because even the long-termers in AA, who are deadly serious about their sobriety and make the effort to go to several meetings a week (some of them), still occasionally think f**k it and decide to drink again. People who seem to be so solid, just walk away...

[gyco]

Relapsing

Marshy;801278 wrote: I was at an AA meeting last night and the speaker mentioned that he'd been sober for four years, and then got "bored" - bored of AA, bored of being sober, and felt he had become boring because he didn't drink - and he started drinking again and drank for several months before stopping. He's now been sober again for a little over a year.

Some other people then talked about their own relapses, often saying they had also become bored of being sober after several years. And it got me thinking about a few things:

1. At the beginning of trying to stop drinking, I went to see a hypnotherapist. He'd been sober himself for 25 years and talked about the importance of "working at" your sobriety. I didn't understand what he meant at the time.

2. I've since learnt, of course, that there's a whole big ballgame to staying sober, and it's not just about not drinking.

But I suppose I was unsettled last night by the talk about relapsing. There are also people in that AA group who have long-term sobriety (20 years plus, so I can see that relapse isn't inevitable).

3. For the past year, I've been keeping an iron grip on my sobriety - very much "working" it, concentrating on what works for me, putting time and effort into staying sober and avoiding difficult situations or uncomfortable emotions as much as possible. I think I'm only now allowing myself to explore certain issues which might have contributed to my drinking, and starting to engage with those uncomfortable emotions. And also I'd like to relax the iron grip a bit - and stop avoiding things I find difficult.

4. No conclusion to this ramble, except that I'm feeling a bit rattled by finally allowing myself to tackle things which might have been reasons for me to drink and hearing the talk last night about relapsing after several years and knowing that's a possibility. Well, I knew it was possibility of course, but hearing about it from people with many years of sobriety who just got "bored" of it was a new thing for me. I didn't think by any means that I was "cured" of alcoholism but I suppose I was feeling quite secure in my sobriety and now maybe less so. I certainly don't want to drink and am not thinking about having a drink, but I'm feeling... unsettled.

5. No neat ending. Just getting it down "on paper".

hi marshy,xcellent post,my dear its called growth,i to was at an AA meeting last night,ive lerned over the last 10 years that ive been in and out of the program,it is an amasing task,if one can stay totally sober for ever,as ive said it is easy to stop,staying stopped and wanting to and learning what all comes with a sober life ,sometimes can be as devastaing as drinking,there is if you look it up a difference between a lapse in jdgement and a relapse of going back out for years on end,some of us have experienced both,a young lady spoke last nt and many b4 her,the key word is,i cant,pik up the 1st drink,after 10 years im just lerning that,as we do here,you have to ajust your hole life,and you better want to,or as a gentleman with 34 years in said,you will surely die gyco

[Cinders]

Relapsing

Marshy,

I, too, get depressed when I see long termers relapse. It scares the cr@p out of me.

I think the hardest thing that all of us have to do is get our arms around the fact that this is a lifelong disease. We will struggle with it off and on all our lives. It is scary.

I believe we all want this to just go away. It doesn't.

However, I am quite sure my brother would absolutely love for his seveal times daily blood sugar checks and his insulin pump that he wears 24/7 to go away, too. It won't.

Ours won't.

and, yes, Gyco. If we don't want it, we will surely die.

Love,
Cindi

[peacenik]

Relapsing

ugh...i literally fantasize about being an old lady who drinks, because...FU*K IT, IM OLD!!!

i guess i'll take it "one day at a time" and see where life takes me...i cetainly don't want to be an old drunk gramma who can't push her grandkids in a swing!

[ready2change]

Relapsing

Great posts everyone....and I think the main thing here is learning to live in the present. It is all we have. None of us knows for certain what tomorrow or the next day or year will bring. So it does not serve us well to dwell on it. Nor can we assume that just because others relapse, so will we. Every day we wake up with a choice, to pick up that first drink or not to.

I used to be of the mindset that "One day at a Time" gives me the green light to drink tomorrow or the next day or whenever, just not today. I believed I had to be in in for the long haul or not at all. Yet as I grow spiritually, I realize that with anything in life, not just sobriety, today is all we have. Yesterday is gone, and I have no idea what tomorrow brings. I know this is great advice and I have difficulty living by it, but it really does make sense when I stop and think about it.

And I too get uneasy when I attend an AA meeting and hear about relapse, and I also wonder about the long termers with 20+ yrs of sobriety and they are still attending meetings. It scares me to think I have to make that kind of committment, but then I made that committment to getting drunk every nite, and I like the kinder gentler way of attending meetings.

So great food for thought everyone. Have a great "Today" all...

R2C

[Marshy]

Relapsing

ready2change;801583 wrote: I also wonder about the long termers with 20+ yrs of sobriety and they are still attending meetings.

I used to wonder about that too! Do they really still need to do this after 20 years? But then a couple of guys in one of my groups have said it's not about the drinking any more it's just a social thing for them. Especially one guy who turns up about five minutes before the meeting ends - just in time to go out with everyone for pizza. :H

[dancelot]

Relapsing

Today at my AA meeting we were discussing relapsing yet again (I don't think that was the topic, but got discussed a lot anyway).

On the subject of having to attend enough meetings, or keeping it up long term - someone said their sponsor asked them how much time they spent drinking, planning drinking, etc per day. Looking at it that way, one hour a day is probably a lot less time (that would be true for me).

There was also someone who relapsed after 19 years. Another who relapsed after 7 years, and then took 7 years to get sober again (sounds like me - it took 8 years to get sober this time - except I've never stayed sober more than 10 months).

It really is one day at a time. We are all just one drink away, as they say, and that's just the truth. Remembering that alcoholism is a fatal illness. Someone had once sponsored someone who didn't make it, and died in her 30s from alcoholism. She said that memory keeps her sober anytime she thinks, just one. Some one quoted that statistically, these long term sober people who relapse never recover. Something to keep in mind whenever we entertain the idea of being "cured".

[Doggygirl]

Relapsing

I started going to AA because of a deep fear of relapse. I thank whoever is in charge that for today, the obsession has been lifted. But I am humbled each and every time I hear about relapse, and unfortunately among a crowd of alkies, it happens all too often.

I too thought AA must not work if people still need to go after 20 years. :H Now I realize that these people keep going becuase they have so many friends in AA, and also the ones who seem most secure in their sobriety (if there is such a thing..) are the ones who seem to be the most deeply involved. Although as Dance said, we are all just one drink away and it can happen to anyone.

May step coach is truly enthusiastic when he welcomes newcomers and talks about the joy he feels in watching recovery - seeing the change in people over the early weeks and months of their sobriety. I can only try to get and stay connected in that way and try to "do what he does" in the hopes of having what he has.

That's all I can think of to do. R2C I liked your post too about staying in today.

DG

[Raven.joy]

Relapsing

I can see the social attraction of being out in company with folk who won't offer you a drink. I am starting to sense from this thread I am too complacent probably. Because everything is so much better now I have days when I feel ok but its only 4 months and the feeling is probably premature.

[momof3]

Relapsing

Great posts all.

I too have known of many who have relapsed after long term sobriety. It is humbling and a little scary. I am a "glass half full person" so I also see that's it's an amazing thing to have put that much time into sobriety to begin with. And, many folks that I have known do get back on the wagon.

I must say that I do not live in fear of relapse. I am not one who takes my sobriety "one day at a time" nor do I do look far ahead into the future wondering if I will maintain my sobriety for a lifetime. My dad is my role model. He decided to stop drinking when I was 21 and had over 20 years of sobriety when he died of lung cancer. He was an ex smoker who quit ten years prior to his diagnosis; he truly thought that he had escaped the long term consequences of smoking 1 -2 packs per day.

I am grateful to have almost 2 years of being AF under my belt and I know that relatively speaking, this is a short period of time. I love my sober life, I have worked hard at it and continue to work hard at it. I have no desire to go back to drinking again. I realize that I am one drink away from being a drunk again but I am not afraid.

M3

[Raven.joy]

Relapsing

Thanks for that M3. That is a really positive way to look at it.

[clare]

Relapsing

well said momof3