Cracks in the Foundation...

[Newyear]

Cracks in the Foundation...

Thanks Neil - I think I learned something from all the posts on this thread.
Maybe feeling deprived of alcohol vs feeling liberated from alcohol is at the heart of sobriety.

When I was about 26 I decided I would quit drinking for a year. It was around the start of the year and friends assumed it was a new years resolution. No one thought I had a drinking problem so they just thought it was a quirky thing I was doing. I knew I was headed for trouble but didn't know what to do about it. We all drank. We all drank a lot. But I think it meant a little more to me than to my friends.
Anyway...
I really enjoyed that year. I remember going to bars with my friends and thinking - wow being sober is pretty cool. When my year was up two friends came over and at midnight we celebrated with a beer. Guess I've been drinking ever since. I think I knew back then that drinking was a problem for me but I felt like I had no reason not to drink and anyway, it was 'fun' and ....
Now almost 20 years later it is a lot harder to stop.
This time I'm being as honest with myself as possible. I'm not quitting drinking to win a bet and I'm not going to quit for a year so I can start back where I left off...no, this time I'm quitting for me. Just for me.
This is not a toy I am taking away from myself but a huge present I'm giving myself.
Big difference.

Love,
Thanks,
Lisa

[irishlady]

Cracks in the Foundation...

Lisa, congratulations, you have got the right perspective on this by believing that you are not taking anything away from yourself, just the opposite, as you say, you are giving yourself a huge present...If we can see our soberiety as a reward or a gift then it does make it easier as time goes on....

[cpn1004]

Cracks in the Foundation...

Wow, great writing by all of y'all.
Thanks for posting.
Love and Peace,
Phil

[rivergirl]

Cracks in the Foundation...

Neil, A thousand thank yous for your post. The brave clarity of your insights and the vivid metaphors - my favorite - which I am embedding in my brain - is the bottles of sarin nerve gas. My next favorite - burrowing into your subconscious to reinforce your foundations with rebar. Hurrah for protecting the treasure of freedom. Neil what is the brain machine? Can you share some other aspects of your system that might differ from the My Way Out system.

Irish Lady - I always love reading your posts - as your wisdom and strength and conviction always sing out. You are right about never being able to drink again. For any that feel deprived - Neil's:thanks: Sarin Nerve gas is useful..."Oh how I long for the day when I can inhale toxic poison and drink vomit again" Adds an interesting spin to dreams of moderation.

I don't read or post on this thread often as I am only 31 days Af. You are my inspiration.
Rivergirl

[dilayne]

Cracks in the Foundation...

Neil,
I think there is no guarantee for anyone. I liked what you said about the search for sobriety being the search for truth...I think that can be a very true statement for many people..and when one can bring the search for truth into once's darkest challenges, then that challenge (addiction) becomes a gift, something transformed, something that drives and prunes you so that the truth can be revealed. It's an individual journey that can't be summed up in a right way or a wrong way. I think there are as many who seek sobriety without necessarily searching for any truths..they just know they have to stop the drinking..'or else'..sometimes the 'or else' just looses it's empy meaning and people slip..sometimes because they truly need to be reminded that there is something else..I think when people go years and years 'sober' and go back, it may be they are revisiting the truth at another level. My therapist suggested that we all spend our lives dealing with certain issues...we do it in a spiraling kind of way...the issues I deal with today are just much deeper levels of some of the core issues I dealt with 20 years ago, and 10 before that..there will always be something to pull us into our depths in life, that is the human condition...alcohol abuse is just one of those things, but all humans deal with darkness and the battle for the truth. As I become older, I'm not as afraid of that place because I always come out of it wiser, stronger, more humble and sometimes even a little more enlightened. You may never drink again, but if you live long enough, you will cross that path again..hopefully sober...no doubt...the search for truth is not an easy one...I believe the stronger we get the deeper the lessons..so be brave. You are a truth seeker, and you shall find it, one way or the other.
Namaste!
Dianne

[mikeupnorth]

Cracks in the Foundation...

Hi all,

I've been absent from the board lately as I only have computer access at work. This is only a temporary situation, so I'll hopefully be back online soon!

Anyway, this is a very interesting topic. I've thought long and hard about the subject of relapse, as I've done it several times myself in the past. I've also seen people do it after varying lengths of sobriety up to and including 27 years. That one scared the hell out of me. It was my last sponsor in AA. If he could go out and drink after 27 years, what could I look forward to?

Of course his relapse had nothing to do with AA; it had to do with him. There is no one right or wrong way to stay sober. Each one of us has to find what works for us. But one thing is for certain, as Changeling has said: if you spend your time longing for alcohol and feeling deprived, you're much more likely to relapse. If you recognize that when you quit drinking you didn't GIVE UP anything but GAINED everything, then you are in a much better situation to begin with.

I, too, want to reinforce my program's foundation and find any cracks before they can cause problems down the road. But as Kim says, this is life, we are human and we can't be perfect. I'm moving forward, doing the best I can, growing the best I can, and staing sober a day at a time. And yes, it's my intention to stay sober for the rest of my life. I made that commitment to myself a little over four months ago and I reaffirm that each day now.

Stay well, and stay sober ~ Here's to the TRUTH.

Mike

[xtexan]

Cracks in the Foundation...

Hola!

Seems like this thread has brought out some "gut" reactions from those that know of which I write. I guess this is a good thing, to stare the monster in the eye, and see into it's essence clearly.

Mike, I had wondered where you had sequestered yourself. I figured with the major changes, you had become temporarily out of access. Glad to see you back.

Dianne, your words have given me much to consider. It's like I still think in terms of sequential days, of time since I was last three sheets to the wind. Hard core binge drinkers, like myself, having never been able to moderate, see any drinking decision as either/or. It's not like I think I'm accumulating "sober points" or anything, that I can redeem at the pearly gates (as it were). It is more like I am expanding into a new realm, that finally has some decent lighting, so that I may see.

Funny, I can now detect clearly, and with great cognizance, feelings and sensations I had when I was much younger. Like anxieties, fears, and uncertainties that have always existed. It is apparent that these feelings were there when I was 16 years old. That was the age when I first got drunk. I was attempting to localize why that intense rush of euphoria had me hooked like a trout with a barb in the lower lip. Just no way I could fight, and shake loose from the thing. So 35 years later, adolescent angst never dealt with, plaguing a 50 year old with a head of gray hair. Gonna have to deal with it sooner or later. I have to grow now. I have to mature for real now. Responsibility for being who I am, no matter what.

Rivergirl: Thank you so much for the kind words! I wrote a thread about the brain machine in the "Holistic Healing" section. It is called, "Brain Waves and Booze". It's pretty long, and I split it up into several posts, as I wanted to give it a thorough cross referenced treatment. Check it out! I still use my machine a lot. A whole world of inner depth to explore, and sometimes scary. Sometimes, a glimpse of heaven.

Phil: Don't see you post that much, but I still remember you responded in my very first thread, when I was looking for a little help. There you were. So glad to see you here.

To everyone who has responded: Thanks for your insights, and honesty. The honesty from others, who know deeply of what I write, is medicine. It is medicine for the sober man.

Anyone ever see that movie "Papillion" with Steve McQueen in the title role? A guy stuck in a prison, often in solitary for most of his life. At the end he leaps into the ocean, knowing full well it might kill him. But he just has to be free. He has to be free, for the sake of being free. I will fight with everything I have to keep from getting put back into the "hole". That hellhole of solitary confinement, that many of us unfortunately know so well.

Be well!

Neil

[cpn1004]

Cracks in the Foundation...

Neil,
Thanks for the "shout out". If you view my drink tracker, you can see why I have not been posting much. However that is going to change.
Phil

[rivergirl]

Cracks in the Foundation...

Way to go Phil! A new month tomorrow - a chance fore a clean slate of zeros.

Xtexan - I had dinner at my parents last night and reviewed the sarin gas concept on the way there in case they has wine as they often do - Nice - just ice water in wine glasses. I'mm off to holistic healing to check out the brain machine thread. Thank you!

Rivergirl