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    How to break the news to your friends and family

    It?s a Friday night a typical after-work drinks with your colleagues...
    It?s a date and you are out with a new person going to dinner or a bar...
    It?s a gathering after a conference or a meeting...

    You want to make a good impression, however, you don?t drink. There are two alternatives a) to lie b) to tell the truth.

    I am sure this is a common question but how do you respond to ?How come you are not having a drink?? I usually say that I am driving or I need to get up early the following morning but this is only a temporary fix. People really do take it personally and I found that this is one of the biggest reasons for my relapses in the past.

    Last time I quit alcohol for almost 6 months and went on holiday to see my parents, who are now retired in Spain. It was a celebration, people were invited and everyone commented to my father about me not drinking. He seemed insulted as it was a gathering at his house and it seems to be viewed in the same way as someone not eating your cooking.

    Drinking just seems to be so widespread that it?s not even considered to be a problem. Many people around me drink 3-4 times a week and I don?t mean just a glass of wine. We even have a name for Thursdays (Thirsty Thursday) and in my previous job it was even accepted to be in late on Fridays as everyone was boozing the previous night, often together. But if you ask any of them whether they have a problem you will never hear a yes. So is being an alcoholic an acceptable way of life, at least in Britain? If so how do you remain friends or get through to these people who are often your friends: successful, respectable and great people when you quit drinking. They take it so very, very personal and I found reasoning with them a total FAIL. So is lying the only option left?

    ALLAN K.
    AF since 1st Sep 2012
    NF since 1st Sep 2012

    If you want to feel better visit www.hopeforpaws.org

    #2
    How to break the news to your friends and family

    What really worked for me is to say "I don't know why, but I really don't enjoy alcohol anymore, so I don't see the point in drinking anymore"

    This takes away any perceived criticism of other people's drinking and removed any discussion on 'my' problem. There is usually a minute of people telling you how they still love a drink then they just get on with their drinking.

    It is very empowering , and TRUE. We don't 'ENJOY' drinking anymore!

    The saying I love the most goes "man takes a drink, drink takes a drink, drink takes a man!"

    Well it is not taking me! I don't NEED alcohol, and I never did, and now I just plain don't enjoy it ----- any of it.

    Comment


      #3
      How to break the news to your friends and family

      And no-one can be insulted that you won't swallow something you don't ENJOY. Imagine it on the same level as going to a party and the host being INSULTED that you won't eat the prawns when you have just made it clear that you don't like prawns! You would rightly point out that they are ridiculous.

      Hope this helps

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        #4
        How to break the news to your friends and family

        Hiya kuya,

        I'm also from NZ.. and I'm going to use your ideas when someone next asks me why..

        thanks
        Patrice

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          #5
          How to break the news to your friends and family

          kuya;1373147 wrote: What really worked for me is to say "I don't know why, but I really don't enjoy alcohol anymore, so I don't see the point in drinking anymore"

          This takes away any perceived criticism of other people's drinking and removed any discussion on 'my' problem. There is usually a minute of people telling you how they still love a drink then they just get on with their drinking.

          It is very empowering , and TRUE. We don't 'ENJOY' drinking anymore!

          The saying I love the most goes "man takes a drink, drink takes a drink, drink takes a man!"

          Well it is not taking me! I don't NEED alcohol, and I never did, and now I just plain don't enjoy it ----- any of it.
          Thats a good one...

          What i also forgot to mention is when you are out with someone in a bar type environment and its one on one, whether it is with a fried or on a date, the other person seem to feel like they cant enjoy themselves if you dont drink. I even had people comment why are we even here if you not goin g to have a drink? get pissed off and in some cases mad. Like it's my fault for spoiling there night.
          AF since 1st Sep 2012
          NF since 1st Sep 2012

          If you want to feel better visit www.hopeforpaws.org

          Comment


            #6
            How to break the news to your friends and family

            I just tell them the truth, I dont drink anymore.

            I dont lie about it, because, I dont like to lie...AND Id have to try and remember my lie.

            I think I have finally gotten to a point in my life where what other people think about me just is not that important. I am not at all ashamed of my issues with AL. Its not like "I" chose the way my brain was wired. Its just a simple fact, I can not moderate my drinking.

            So, for health reasons, monetary reasons, and not doing stupid things and not remembering them reasons.....I dont drink

            The people in your life will understand, and probably respect you for it. I know I for one was always jealous of that "guy/girl" that stayed away from AL

            Good luck with your choices
            Living on Planet Sober since 05/02/11




            DAREDEVIL COOKIE MONSTER

            Comment


              #7
              How to break the news to your friends and family

              allankay;1373170 wrote: Thats a good one...

              What i also forgot to mention is when you are out with someone in a bar type environment and its one on one, whether it is with a fried or on a date, the other person seem to feel like they cant enjoy themselves if you dont drink. I even had people comment why are we even here if you not goin g to have a drink? get pissed off and in some cases mad. Like it's my fault for spoiling there night.
              Why are you there? Don't go to places that are there for one purpose: to serve AL, if you don't drink. I quit going to bars and don't miss it. There's plenty of other places to meet someone or to go on a date.


              "I like people too much or not at all."
              Sylvia Plath

              Comment


                #8
                How to break the news to your friends and family

                Nelz;1373175 wrote: I just tell them the truth, I dont drink anymore.

                I dont lie about it, because, I dont like to lie...AND Id have to try and remember my lie.
                I am NOT lying...... That is the beauty and the liberation. I don't ENJOY drinking. I drink to avoid the withdrawal from drinking. The ' truth,' is drink is enjoying us!

                The last time I ENJOYED drinking was 30 years ago. Since then I have just been an alcoholic. But not any more ..... I am done.

                Comment


                  #9
                  How to break the news to your friends and family

                  LibraryGirl;1373185 wrote: Why are you there? Don't go to places that are there for one purpose: to serve AL, if you don't drink. I quit going to bars and don't miss it. There's plenty of other places to meet someone or to go on a date.
                  I disagree LG. while we continue to live in a world where drinking poison, even in small amounts, is the norm I think it is VITAL ( as long as it doesnt threaten your sobriety) to be sober in places where alcohol is served. It is empowering, though sometimes a little boring watching others consume, but knowing you will feel good in the morning. Also one must remember that MOST people do not have problems with alcohol.
                  If I had an allergy to prawns I wouldn't refuse to join friends at a fish restaurant, I just wouldn't order the prawns! LOL I would not be angry at the prawns, neither am I angry at alcohol. I CAN'T handle it, it is just such a shame it has taken me 23 years to figure this out.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    How to break the news to your friends and family

                    allankay;1373170 wrote: Thats a good one...

                    What i also forgot to mention is when you are out with someone in a bar type environment and its one on one, whether it is with a fried or on a date, the other person seem to feel like they cant enjoy themselves if you dont drink. I even had people comment why are we even here if you not goin g to have a drink? get pissed off and in some cases mad. Like it's my fault for spoiling there night.
                    In direct reply to this I think the truth is your sobriety is making them uncomfortable about their own drinking ...... They know they have a problem. My friends who do not have alcohol issues have NO problem drinking and even occasionally being drunk around me. They know I am not judging them. And no-one has ever pressured me to drink ..... But if they did I would then be pointing out that they have a problem.( remember the prawns analogy)

                    Comment


                      #11
                      How to break the news to your friends and family

                      Nice replies Kuya, I like your thinking!

                      As for just avoiding places with alcohol - I'm sorry but that's just not a realistic solution. We can avoid or minimise our time in bars if we choose, sure. (God knows they can be tedious places to be when you're sober.) But far too much social life revolves around booze to simply avoid it all together - at least in my world. We have to find a happy way to live with this.

                      Nelz, I like your approach too. I have only been so open about the *why* of why I'm not drinking with even very close friends so far - it's still early days for me. But more and more of them know I'm not drinking and, with a couple of notable exceptions, have been really wonderful about it. And each time I rock up to something at a bar, restaurant, whatever, where others are drinking and don't drink the less weird it gets, to the point people are starting to not *assume* I'm drinking, which in itself is a start.

                      I posted the following in the thread 'Letting Go of People Who Drink Heavily' but it seems just as relevant here, so I'm going to copy and paste.

                      ...

                      This is obviously something a lot of us have to deal with. This is going to sound cliche, but in my experience so far I've found it to be absolutely true: Those who are truly your friends might find it difficult at first - might even tease us or be dismissive about it ("Oh just cut down" "Oh just have one") or somehow otherwise just not seem to "get it". But, if they really care for you and respect you they will come around and respect your decision not to drink and it will get increasingly less weird.

                      However, you will also discover that some "friends" were little more than drinking buddies. Those people are usually the ones with drinking problems themselves. In my opinion, it is almost always the people with drinking problems themselves who can't handle us not drinking. Those friendships need to be ditched or at least massively scaled back to arms length. This is actually a good thing, as it does show us which friends truly have our best interests at heart and can enjoy our company regardless of whether we've got a drink in our hands or not.

                      I have also had a couple of friends who I know have drinking problems themselves (which they're at various stages with and in levels of denials about) who obviously found it confronting at first but then went on to be wonderful and supportive about it anyway. This is because they are awesome and true friends. Hold onto those people and f*ck the rest I say!

                      Comment


                        #12
                        How to break the news to your friends and family

                        I like this response: it just doesn't agree with me anymore. I really do have stomach issues, and eat very carefully so this story fits my picture.
                        My life is better without alcohol, since 9/1/12. My sobriety tool is the list at permalink 236 on the toolbox thread under monthly abstinance.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          How to break the news to your friends and family

                          kuya;1373206 wrote: I disagree LG. while we continue to live in a world where drinking poison, even in small amounts, is the norm I think it is VITAL ( as long as it doesnt threaten your sobriety) to be sober in places where alcohol is served. It is empowering, though sometimes a little boring watching others consume, but knowing you will feel good in the morning. Also one must remember that MOST people do not have problems with alcohol.
                          If I had an allergy to prawns I wouldn't refuse to join friends at a fish restaurant, I just wouldn't order the prawns! LOL I would not be angry at the prawns, neither am I angry at alcohol. I CAN'T handle it, it is just such a shame it has taken me 23 years to figure this out.
                          We can agree to disagree kuya. I'm not saying I don't go in places where AL is served, but I don't go to bars where that is the only thing that is served. Everyone is there to drink, and that is the purpose. I don't feel the need to prove I can be in bars and not drink. I have no problem with those who still enjoy frequenting those places, however. Just not for me.


                          "I like people too much or not at all."
                          Sylvia Plath

                          Comment


                            #14
                            How to break the news to your friends and family

                            kuya;1373206 wrote: I disagree LG. while we continue to live in a world where drinking poison, even in small amounts, is the norm I think it is VITAL ( as long as it doesnt threaten your sobriety) to be sober in places where alcohol is served. It is empowering, though sometimes a little boring watching others consume, but knowing you will feel good in the morning. Also one must remember that MOST people do not have problems with alcohol.
                            If I had an allergy to prawns I wouldn't refuse to join friends at a fish restaurant, I just wouldn't order the prawns! LOL I would not be angry at the prawns, neither am I angry at alcohol. I CAN'T handle it, it is just such a shame it has taken me 23 years to figure this out.
                            I don't like to be around drunk people when I'm not one of them. They annoy the heck out of me. The only benefit would be to remind myself why I don't want to drink and act like that. Going to a restaurant to enjoy dinner is one thing, but going to the 'bar' is another. Most people in a bar are getting drunk, just on various levels. I personally don't care for them unless I'm there to drink. There are so many better things to do in life once you have conquered that villain. Why waste it in an intoxicated environment for the sake of that environment?
                            Rule your mind or it will rule you. It is from a thought that an action grows. :bat

                            Comment


                              #15
                              How to break the news to your friends and family

                              LibraryGirl;1373500 wrote: We can agree to disagree kuya. I'm not saying I don't go in places where AL is served, but I don't go to bars where that is the only thing that is served. Everyone is there to drink, and that is the purpose. I don't feel the need to prove I can be in bars and not drink. I have no problem with those who still enjoy frequenting those places, however. Just not for me.
                              I agree. What's the point? There are plenty of other things to do with my time.
                              Rule your mind or it will rule you. It is from a thought that an action grows. :bat

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