This has officially been my annus horribilis but here I stand 7 years completely sober... and here I am with my annual connection with the site that I used when I was starting out. I always feel apologetic coming here because I'm not a regular poster only an annual one.. I just always wondered what happened to some people that I became close to here when they disappeared and if anyone wondered about me, then I hope they look out for me... even if its only once a year.
I am grateful to be sober and I am proud. The mindset that nothing and no one would turn me back to drink has really helped me this year. The decision to live is profound and in my experience is total... and has been worth the effort.
You see, this year I was diagnosed with cancer. It was unexpected, asymptomatic and dramatic. Two weeks later I was having major abdominal surgery and a few weeks after that I was undergoing chemotherapy.
Shock does not describe an event such as this... but luck is also involved... and I mean that. I was lucky because I was fit and so even though the surgery was horrible to say the least, I recovered well and I recovered fast. I felt that time was of the essence. I did not have to delay my surgery so I could drink some more.. I had it on the first possible date. My exercise regime from getting me sober has me fit. Also having had these years sober, I feel like my liver might be able to withstand the chemo.
It felt like I was living with pandoras box open right inside my heart.. where every minute felt precious and facing my mortality having decided to fight for my life sober was very confronting indeed. Watching my family struggle with my diagnosis, my teens and their emotions and the major panic that goes with such an event was very hard indeed. Even living the emotion of it all.. sobbing from the bottom of my soul. Trying to find the strength.. to use the strength.. trying to work out what it all meant and why on earth ME? Trying to live with the prospect of not getting any answers to my questions. and then there is the awfulness of my chemo..
On top of this I had a cycle where everything possible that could did go wrong. 10 people that I know have died since my diagnosis.. (not just people I know, but people in my inner sanctum and their families)... . Trying to find a positive in this took some effort. But find the positive I will. I have received incredible acts of kindness towards me. The incredible kindness and love of my children, their faith and love in me... The people who contact me every single day.. I know in my bone marrow that I am loved. I know that I want to live. Just look at this lovely message I got from a dear friend.. she wrote it as a gift for me..
Holy Woman who is unafraid of any dark...may I choose the ways of seeing that most benefit the growth of rather than the restriction of my soul.
May I choose to have the strength and courage to follow these ways.
May I be cradled with all the love and support I need in doing so.
May I walk in the guidance of the light of the sun and the moon, trusting that they know my way.
May I know that the life which is in me loves me and serves only to deliver my soul the heaven it is longing for...my truth.
Kneel upon the earth which you live, place your forehead upon the ground and feel me. Everyday.
Let go of that which does not bring you peace and happiness. Accept and trust life.
You are loved.
But this site is not about cancer.. its about sobriety.
So in all this did I think about picking up a drink? With my hand on my heart and my eyes locked into yours I can say, NO, I did not think about drinking.. did not even come close. I thanked the universe for my sobriety and my no holes barred approach to it.. not I'll just do what I can.. but I will do whatever it takes. A drink would not be a celebration or a commiseration for me.. it would be a sign that I want to die. My decision to get sober was a decision to live emotionally and spiritually. Getting cancer although it shook me for sure, it did not stop my will to live (despite some wobbly moments). I will learn the hard lessons it is teaching me. I've always been a tough love person here cos I knew I had to be tough on myself. I will not go softly on relapse or slip... or whatever you want to call it... to me it CANNOT be an option... it just CANNOT. I know that one drink would have me on the highway down the hole from which I began this journey. My decision to go forward and move forward no matter how imperfect my life is is my line in the sand decision. I support that decision every day of my life. I make that choice to move forward every day. I will not lie to myself about how awful things were for me at the start of getting sober. I was in a worse state 7 years ago without cancer and drunk than I am now being sober with cancer... and thats no lie.
I was surprised when I came here to see my 5 year post so high up this list still. I read it and in there I said
I guess this thinking of mine makes me sound harsh. I say to myself that no matter what I wont pick up a drink. Not for a death or a betrayal, not for anything. There can be nothing that would make me want to drink. I have worked hard to get to this mind frame. If hard things happen (and they have and do) I will live through it sober. If there are things I need to learn, hopefully I'll learn them. I know for sure I wont learn my lessons drunk.
How true that has been for me.. I believe that mindset has been vital for me and I"m so grateful that I worked so hard to get my mind there.
To get to my chemo unit I have to walk past the mental health area of the hospital. I see the people in there, I recognise them.. I recognise what I used to be in some of them, the eyes that do not see, the smoking and drinking right outside the unit. When I came to this site I was emotionally and spiritually dying and getting sober is way more than not having a drink.
With my cancer I thank the universe for my sobriety. Getting sober was instrumental in getting me to think straight. If I'm going to get through this it sure is not going to be by drinking myself into a stupor. There are emotions which cannot be confronted if you are drunk and I face them sober. I thank the universe that I am thinking straight. I thank the universe that I can look myself in the eyes knowing that I am doing everything that I can to get through this. I thank the universe that I am alive.
I thought I had dealt with a lot of my issues getting sober (and I had) but some of these issues have reared their head again and I have had to rehash them once more. Perhaps like taking back the layers of the onion.. going deeper into things that make up me.. the good and the bad.. trying to come to terms with it.. trying to work out my meaning and my purpose and trying to withstand the onslaught of emotion that this has been.
So today I am proud of my 7 years. I'm proud that I continue to think straight. I am proud to be sober. I have two months left of chemo. Get through this I will. I intend to post at 8 years sober and 1 year cancer free next year.
So get sober everyone. Properly sober. Dont mess with this. Get real. Get honest with yourself. Fight to get yourself thinking straight. Exercise. Meditate. And then STICK with it. You might just need it as I did.
Wishing everyone here absolute sobriety, straight thinking and good health.
ATT
I am grateful to be sober and I am proud. The mindset that nothing and no one would turn me back to drink has really helped me this year. The decision to live is profound and in my experience is total... and has been worth the effort.
You see, this year I was diagnosed with cancer. It was unexpected, asymptomatic and dramatic. Two weeks later I was having major abdominal surgery and a few weeks after that I was undergoing chemotherapy.
Shock does not describe an event such as this... but luck is also involved... and I mean that. I was lucky because I was fit and so even though the surgery was horrible to say the least, I recovered well and I recovered fast. I felt that time was of the essence. I did not have to delay my surgery so I could drink some more.. I had it on the first possible date. My exercise regime from getting me sober has me fit. Also having had these years sober, I feel like my liver might be able to withstand the chemo.
It felt like I was living with pandoras box open right inside my heart.. where every minute felt precious and facing my mortality having decided to fight for my life sober was very confronting indeed. Watching my family struggle with my diagnosis, my teens and their emotions and the major panic that goes with such an event was very hard indeed. Even living the emotion of it all.. sobbing from the bottom of my soul. Trying to find the strength.. to use the strength.. trying to work out what it all meant and why on earth ME? Trying to live with the prospect of not getting any answers to my questions. and then there is the awfulness of my chemo..
On top of this I had a cycle where everything possible that could did go wrong. 10 people that I know have died since my diagnosis.. (not just people I know, but people in my inner sanctum and their families)... . Trying to find a positive in this took some effort. But find the positive I will. I have received incredible acts of kindness towards me. The incredible kindness and love of my children, their faith and love in me... The people who contact me every single day.. I know in my bone marrow that I am loved. I know that I want to live. Just look at this lovely message I got from a dear friend.. she wrote it as a gift for me..
Holy Woman who is unafraid of any dark...may I choose the ways of seeing that most benefit the growth of rather than the restriction of my soul.
May I choose to have the strength and courage to follow these ways.
May I be cradled with all the love and support I need in doing so.
May I walk in the guidance of the light of the sun and the moon, trusting that they know my way.
May I know that the life which is in me loves me and serves only to deliver my soul the heaven it is longing for...my truth.
Kneel upon the earth which you live, place your forehead upon the ground and feel me. Everyday.
Let go of that which does not bring you peace and happiness. Accept and trust life.
You are loved.
But this site is not about cancer.. its about sobriety.
So in all this did I think about picking up a drink? With my hand on my heart and my eyes locked into yours I can say, NO, I did not think about drinking.. did not even come close. I thanked the universe for my sobriety and my no holes barred approach to it.. not I'll just do what I can.. but I will do whatever it takes. A drink would not be a celebration or a commiseration for me.. it would be a sign that I want to die. My decision to get sober was a decision to live emotionally and spiritually. Getting cancer although it shook me for sure, it did not stop my will to live (despite some wobbly moments). I will learn the hard lessons it is teaching me. I've always been a tough love person here cos I knew I had to be tough on myself. I will not go softly on relapse or slip... or whatever you want to call it... to me it CANNOT be an option... it just CANNOT. I know that one drink would have me on the highway down the hole from which I began this journey. My decision to go forward and move forward no matter how imperfect my life is is my line in the sand decision. I support that decision every day of my life. I make that choice to move forward every day. I will not lie to myself about how awful things were for me at the start of getting sober. I was in a worse state 7 years ago without cancer and drunk than I am now being sober with cancer... and thats no lie.
I was surprised when I came here to see my 5 year post so high up this list still. I read it and in there I said
I guess this thinking of mine makes me sound harsh. I say to myself that no matter what I wont pick up a drink. Not for a death or a betrayal, not for anything. There can be nothing that would make me want to drink. I have worked hard to get to this mind frame. If hard things happen (and they have and do) I will live through it sober. If there are things I need to learn, hopefully I'll learn them. I know for sure I wont learn my lessons drunk.
How true that has been for me.. I believe that mindset has been vital for me and I"m so grateful that I worked so hard to get my mind there.
To get to my chemo unit I have to walk past the mental health area of the hospital. I see the people in there, I recognise them.. I recognise what I used to be in some of them, the eyes that do not see, the smoking and drinking right outside the unit. When I came to this site I was emotionally and spiritually dying and getting sober is way more than not having a drink.
With my cancer I thank the universe for my sobriety. Getting sober was instrumental in getting me to think straight. If I'm going to get through this it sure is not going to be by drinking myself into a stupor. There are emotions which cannot be confronted if you are drunk and I face them sober. I thank the universe that I am thinking straight. I thank the universe that I can look myself in the eyes knowing that I am doing everything that I can to get through this. I thank the universe that I am alive.
I thought I had dealt with a lot of my issues getting sober (and I had) but some of these issues have reared their head again and I have had to rehash them once more. Perhaps like taking back the layers of the onion.. going deeper into things that make up me.. the good and the bad.. trying to come to terms with it.. trying to work out my meaning and my purpose and trying to withstand the onslaught of emotion that this has been.
So today I am proud of my 7 years. I'm proud that I continue to think straight. I am proud to be sober. I have two months left of chemo. Get through this I will. I intend to post at 8 years sober and 1 year cancer free next year.
So get sober everyone. Properly sober. Dont mess with this. Get real. Get honest with yourself. Fight to get yourself thinking straight. Exercise. Meditate. And then STICK with it. You might just need it as I did.
Wishing everyone here absolute sobriety, straight thinking and good health.
ATT
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