Journey into Sobriety...

[xtexan]

Journey into Sobriety...

Lonesome Dove

Oh yea,I had the entire series recorded on tape you know.

I had to explain to my fellows in Tennessee about all the stuff going on there.

Some other interesting things. I believe parts of the Paul Newman movie "Hud" were filmed down in Palo Duro Canyon, and in the towns of the Panhandle.

Now here is a bit of history, not well known, but it was in "Lonesome Dove" as well. They camped out at the Adobe Walls sight early on in the movie. Now I have been to the Adobe Walls sight many times, and there are two monuments. One for the buffalo hunters (caucasian men), and one for the Native Americans who died there.

A record shot was fired by one Billy Dixon during the second battle of Adobe Walls. That record stood until a Vietnam sniper beat it almost 100 years later!!!! Here are links to that event.

Handbook of Texas Online:

History of Adobe Walls

Billy Dixon

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/m...1/ai_n13781619

Now you can read it, but I have stood there on several occasions, and wondered just how in the heck he did that. I still search for the right replica of the 1874 Sharps rifle he used, but Lord they are expensive, especially the genuine original black powder cartridge technology used in 1874.

Anyway, without giving too much away, I was born fairly close to this historic sight. A lost bit of American history, but I have quite a few books and articles on this particular event.

Neil

[SKendall]

Journey into Sobriety...

I have some of the books too, Neil. I think that Larry McMurtrey plagurized much of Charles Goodnight, i.e. the graveside carving for Deets, is a direct removal from Charles Goodnight's memoirs, i.e. "never shirked a task, etc," Although I am willing to believe that was a common post on the headstones back then. Our friends in Abilene call McMurtey a "rascal" for his novel.

It's a very intersting history, and when I lived In Texas, I would drive around all of that mesquite and wonder at the cattle drives that drove thru that.

I enjoy this journey with you. :thanks:

[sujul]

Journey into Sobriety...

xtexan;158226 wrote:
The time warp hit me hard. Just call it a bizarre wrap around in the time matrix. I was both there and here at the same time for just a few short seconds. 1977 and 2007 existed at the same time in my mind, and an even more bizarre clarity hit me. It must be that God is all things, in all places, at all times, ??all at once. Suddenly, I had a new understanding, and it all seemed to actually make sense for just a short while. This is enlightenment I think. I just got a very short peek at the infinite I believe. This is the reason I have made this trip, to find the new things within, and not so much from without.
Neil

Yes!! Neil, everything you write is so incredibly vivid and moving--but this passage choked me up because I believe I know EXACTLY what you're talking about here...that experience of having a sudden glimpse of eternity, of God-ness, of yes, the infinite....words are simply inadequate to convey the enormity of the moment....

Truly, I believe I have had this same experience--and I DO mean the very SAME experience-because it is a moment of everywhereness and timelessness that transcends our individual selves...it is moments like this that give me something even beyond hope--maybe it's faith, maybe it's trust...whatever it is, my life is illuminated by these instants of enlightenment....

It is these moments of "bizarre clarity" that keep me sober--I don't want to damage that piece of the infinite that I have been entrusted with....

Thanks, Neil~~

[xtexan]

Journey into Sobriety...

DAY 15- Releasing the demons within.

Hello fellow travelers:

I drove to my hometown birthplace today, and stopped at the hotel where I tried to get a reservation yesterday via computer. They had plenty of rooms, and when I mentioned the deal on the Internet, they just smiled like it was no big deal. The room I got has both wired and wireless Internet. I hooked up the wire, since it is 100 Mbs speed, which I will enjoy the rest of the evening.

I took a lot of video and pictures today. I visited both houses where we lived here when I was little. The first house, we moved from when I was but 18 months old, but I still have some fragments of memory from there. Most notably the configuration of the heater in the bathroom, was open gas fired, which Mom lit with a match before my baths during my first winter. She wanted to get the bathroom nice and warm before preparing me for my bath. Strange the things we remember.

I visited the elementary school I went to, now wiped off the face of the earth. I visited the middle school, and then the high school I went to. I actually went inside the high school, and walked the halls. It must of shrunk or something. I went to the junior college I attended for about a year before flunking out due to massive drinking everyday. The worst my drinking ever was, when I was 18 years old. You could buy whiskey at that age back in the 1970?s in Texas, and I remember selling off a lot of my possessions at the time just so I could buy another fifth of Canadian Whiskey.

I toured all the streets, and noticed all the changes. Places vivid in my memory, now with windows boarded up, broken, and abandoned. Places where much activity once occurred now desolate and discarded.

I went to the public library, and asked for the high school annuals from the early 1970?s, a time when Nixon was still president. They were very gracious, as they had to retrieve them from the library archives. They just let me have them without signing any papers, or ID or anything. This is part of what I remember. The honor system.

I spent a good 3 hours going through those annuals, struggling to retrieve memories, both pleasant and unpleasant. This was the time when my drinking began, and the mission was to discover what things might have contributed to my behavior. Many times during that examination, I got very uncomfortable, and wrote down a name, or place, or an event that came back. This was most useful for me, as things long forgotten and repressed were now shoved in my face. My leg began to dance up and down a few times, which was a habit of my nervousness from youth. I had the urge to bite my fingernails again, which was a habit of youth. Here it was, a torrent of memory, which I now had access to with a new perspective.

Why did I get a crush on that particular girl? Why did I feel so intimidated by that kid in the picture? Why did I feel such terrible inferiority? Why was that kid so cruel to me, and why did that kid help me out, and be my friend? All has changed, and now all these things have faded into the past.


I left the library, and took another tour of the small towns streets. A new viewpoint began to take form, and this was just another place on the road. This was the place where I first emerged from where I was before birth, into the physical world of material existence. Birds leave the nest, and fly away.

I visited my grandparents? grave in town, and then went out far to the west of town, and viewed the grave of a little friend I had, who died at 5 years old. She was killed in an accident with fire at that age, and that was the first funeral I ever remember going to. I did not understand about death, but I remember people attempting to explain to me because I was 5 years old at the time too. There is more to this story, but I will leave it at that.

Then, I did something very deliberate, and with absolute sobriety. I went to the caretakers? office of the cemetery out on that western hill, and asked to buy a plot. She asked for whom, and I said, ?This is for myself?.

She showed me the available plots, and I picked the one most western at the far edge of the cemetery. It overlooks a vast field of mesquite trees, and a new young oak has been planted there right where I picked my final spot on this earth to be. I told her it was my intention to live past 90, and she replied, ?The oak will be large enough by then to completely shade your spot.? And I hope it will be.

I don?t guess a lot of folks pick out their final spot, and buy it when they are but 51 years old, but I thought that this is a choice I have right now, and I have the power to make it now. A very grown-up decision it is indeed. I am healthy, and strong, and sober, and this is what I wanted. Nobody will be burdened with decisions of this or that when I go, as it is my intention to have it all pre-arranged and paid for. I put down half on the plot, and she told me the rest was due whenever and however. It is my space now for the future.

So on a less morbid note, my mission here is accomplished. You see there were no external demons to slay, but only the ones within. I will have to reflect and consider what I have seen and done today for a while to digest it properly. This is my life, and I want it back from that damn booze. I will get it back. Keeping an open mind on the psychological aspects of the drinking addiction is often an esoteric venture. Being an engineer and mechanic by training, those things that are not quantifiable by the laws of physics, are not part of the picture. I understand the laws of motion and thermodynamics, and the qualities of static tangibles as well. Weird emotional stuff locked in the brains mass of cells and nerves is beyond our technologies now. No magic pill or treatment exists to exorcise psychological demons, so we must make out own way to this end.

This is all I know to do that works. No long expensive talks with a shrink would have ever done what I accomplished today. No high dollar pill, that gets advertised ad-nauseum for our mental troubles could ever be as effective as today?s self-therapy. I am now ready to leave this place for the rest of my life, never to visit again until that end comes. This is where I was born, and this is where I will end.

Now, it is time to go further, and become more than I ever was. There is work, and growth to be done, and time is a wastin?.

Tomorrow: No report. Visit with Mom and Dad for a few days, then homeward to Tennessee.

Neil

[YoungAtHeart]

Journey into Sobriety...

Wow, Neil, I haven't checked for a few days. I hardly know what to say. Everything you have written just resonates with me, the ups and the downs and even your buying your burial plot. Thank you for sharing these days with all of us. It has been very special and very moving.

I very much understand why you won't be on for the next several days, but I still don't like it. I don't know how you will feel at the end of this trip, and I hope you will share it with all of us. I am going to feel like I know you better, but also like I've finished a really terrific novel, which is always a major bummer to me!

Thanks for sharing, Neil!

Hugs,:l
Kathy

[southernbelle47]

Journey into Sobriety...

"It must be that God is all things, in all places, at all times, ??all at once"

I love that Neil!

It's those little "God stops" that give us Hope!
I'm happy that you've made that stop on your journey. Priceless!

:l Nancy

[xtexan]

Journey into Sobriety...

DAYS 16-19: Return Home

Howwdeeee!!

I just got back home to my Tennessee deep woods sanctuary, and all is well.

I will compose a final epilogue over the weekend, but just wanted to let my faithful readers know that xtexan is back in one piece, none the worse for wear.

Katie dog almost climbed over the fence when she first saw me walking up to the backyard fence. Petey dog was leaping and spinning in the air and barking at the same time. I brought them a new sack of dinner rounds, but they had plenty of supplies left, as my boss called this morning, and wanted to know if he needed to check on them once more. The doggies are happy that big dog (me) has returned to set the world right again!

Mom and Dad were better than I expected, and the visit went well. I taught my Mom how to use a bread machine to make her own bread, and I helped Dad solve some nagging computer problems. More on them later.

The mighty Dakota truck will need some well-deserved cleaning and maintenance. I have video to process, and digital photos to sort and save. I have a ton of receipts to get entered into my Quicken, and about 10 lbs. of mail to go through.

My gear is in disarray, dumped on the kitchen floor, and will need to be gone through. The fishing gear is worst of all, but a labor of love getting that back into order.

The lawn is not as bad as I thought it would be, so that is a plus.

So, I made some fresh ice tea, and went through the emails after calling the parents to let them know I made it OK.

The trip is over, and it has been the best of journeys. I must reflect on a few things, as this has been such a very different odyssey. A good nights sleep in my own bed will be greatly appreciated tonight.

Stay tuned, and I will close my journal in a couple of days with some final thoughts.

May you all find the best on your journeys.

Neil

[YoungAtHeart]

Journey into Sobriety...

It's good to hear that you are safe and sound, Neil. Believe it or not, I've been waiting impatiently for your next post, even though I knew it meant the end of your journey! I'll be looking forward to the summation! Take good care! I hope you enjoyed the rest. I'm glad your doggies enjoyed having their "top dog" back!

Kathy

[xtexan]

Journey into Sobriety...

A few words in closing...

I?ve spent the last couple of days since arriving home in a state of great contentment. The myriad of tasks to get my life back into order for the coming months have come in a sort of dazed fog of not really being here. This is a new sensation for me, as in years past, the return home from the long road trip was fraught with worry and dissatisfaction that it was not long enough.

But this time there was a difference. It was a big difference that I have alluded to several times during the chronicle. My old pal, the alcohol was not along on this journey, and was only missed but one short flash of a few minutes. That was sitting in the public laundry in Gallup, New Mexico after the bad travel day.

Now, after reflecting for a time, after a couple of great nights sleep in my familiar home bed, an expanded consciousness of my life is imbedded deeply. This awareness is not at all concerned with the acquisition of material things or political power. This awareness is more in touch with the process of living, breathing, eating, and sleeping. I am content just to move about in the day now, and let the hours pass without pressure. This is what a vacation is supposed to do. A renewal of the mind, body, and soul it is.

Horrid little bits of depression, resentment, and frustration lodged in deep crevices have been dislodged, and washed away. Not just bits from the last several months of sobriety, but also bits packed in tightly from my childhood and adolescence. I can feel it, and it is a damn good feeling. There is even a new physical sensation to my body, as old and festering psychological issues were at last dealt with, and believe me, they do manifest themselves in your body in the strangest places. Pains in the neck, back, arms, legs, headaches, you name it. Of course it has not been a 100% healing, but a major advancement has been made. I can do the things of life successfully without a beer or whiskey or wine glass in hand. I proved it to myself, and this may have deeper long-term effects for the good.

The major difference this time, was that I was not expecting or demanding that the place I went to was going to make the change. No, this time, I concentrated on the internal sensations that the experience was producing within. This was never possible before with a trillion ethanol molecules always floating in my bloodstream during a trip. In times before, the booze had to be planned around, and dealt with since it had put it?s own toxic limitations of what I could do, or experience. Not this time. No hangovers, no shame, or guilt, or misery from my dependence on alcohol to alleviate pain or boredom.

You all know what I am talking about to some degree. The thought process is, ?This place is great, and beautiful, and a drink would make it all the better!? Another would be, ?This has been a hard day on the road, and a drink would make it all better.? And yet another, ?These are strange and new people to me, and a drink would fix me up just right so I could talk to them!?

Nope. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Wrong and double wrong. Booze is poison to me, and all it can do is kill me in the end because of my twisted love for it. It is even more apparent than ever that I will never be able to drink ?normally? or ?moderately?. The internal stuff that was made manifest on this trip was pure and powerful, and it has always been the stuff that made me drink to destruction. I put my hands around its neck and squeezed with all my might. Drinking Neil was choked a bit more of his stranglehold on me, sober Neil. Even now as I write this, vague memories of dancing in the dark, with beautiful ladies, and a delirium of whiskey sated euphoria still remain hidden in the shadowy rooms of my psyche. Becoming sober and self-aware is always going to be the job of our inner angels, locked in battle with the inner demons. I have claimed large chunks of territory by this journey, and hope to enjoy the inner space now claimed for the interim.

You have to give things their own significance. You are the one that has that power. The thing that makes another laugh, may drive you to tears. That which excites you with joy, may drive another to black depression. There is no standard of what you are ever required to feel in any situation. I have tried to put into typed words some of these things over the past few weeks, to give them a little more weight for yours truly. I could have kept a diary of the boozes-heads road journey, and no doubt it would have been completely different. No doubt it would have been far less of a holistically motivated story for myself. Your kind words of praise and approval have made this experiment even better. It just would have not been the same.

There is still a bit of America out west there, where the real freedoms our ancestors fought for and enjoyed still exists in pure form. In so many days leading up to my escape from the drudge, I would say to myself, ?I deserve to have my freedom!? It comes at a cost, and always does. I?d gladly give up the bogus little securities and safeties of the suffocating Orwellian machine we are spiraling towards, to get just a bit more.

The coming days where I resume my job, and the day-to-day routine will find the memories of the last three weeks fading. One thing for certain though, that as long as I stay sober and abstinent, they will not be so fast to lose color. My physical exercise program needs to be revived (found that out at 8500 foot altitude in Colorado), but I think my self-work to drive inner growth can safely idle for short time. With all this new territory gained on the emotional front, perhaps it is best to sit and survey the land I have acquired. But not for long, as this thing is a never-ending task it seems.

Video of the trip, downloaded to hard drive, awaits processing into DVD?s, and select photos will be printed and perhaps framed. My GPS logs have all been downloaded, and solidifies yet another aspect of the journey. Each second I was on the road, each stop, each dash all recorded in exact detail. Speed, position, and time all transcribed into numbers saying that I was here and when. I will combine all these things into a story to perhaps to be researched by my niece, nephew, or some other relative some day.

Mom and Dad, now in the evening years of their life, only seem concerned now with just making the little things count. No major life events to engage in, or worlds to conquer, and I found myself becoming a little more like them in the few days spent with them. I told them of plans and intentions for the coming days and years, and they seemed just glad to have me there, and content with my personal journeys. I played the videotape from Yosemite for my parents, and it gave them great pleasure to see both the scenery and their son engaged with the natural world so clearly. I told them of the journey to the wilderness in search of the perfect trout stream, and they were glad I found the place for my heart and soul. They just want me to be happy, and they got that sense this time for sure. Is the excessive drinker ever really happy with his or her life?

In all, I feel like I have gathered up a massive collection of new experiences both internal and external. My journey into sobriety has been far more successful than I could have ever dreamed when starting out three weeks ago. It is my sincere hope that my words can perhaps help you out there, whether you are a member or a visitor to the MWO forum. This is for us.

Neil: 5963.91 miles (9595.93 kilometers), June 18th to July 6th, 2007.

[YoungAtHeart]

Journey into Sobriety...

Amen, Neil, and thank you!

[southernbelle47]

Journey into Sobriety...

Come on Neil, bring it on.....

[SKendall]

Journey into Sobriety...

Neil, I am so touched by your posts, I think I stopped breathing. Thank you so very much. I couldn't be happier for your own personal growth and progress. You are an inspiration and it seems as if you are truly rid of that monkey on your back.

I was touched when you dedicated this journey to MWO.

Thanks again

Hilary :l

[irishlady]

Journey into Sobriety...

Neil,

I started off reading your travel journal from your first day on the road. I followed you all the way and what a rollercoaster of a trip it has been.. From your exilerating descriptions of all the awsome places you have seen to your more personal writings about yourself and your innermost thoughts..

The two pieces which touched me the most were the ones about your trip to the place where you have purchased your burial plot and the last one where you talk about your parents and also about how this trip has affected you personally.. They made me so emotional because they touch on so many things that resonate with me.. Like you I to have had one hell of a mental clearout, but, there are still a few dark corners and a locked room or two waiting for my attention, I have promised myself I'm going to deal with them soon...

Have you ever started reading a book and it is so good that when you come to the end of it you feel sad and you wish you were just starting to read it again for the first time, well that is how I now feel knowing that I have come to the end of your travel journal..

A big, big thank you for sharing all that with us, oh, by the way, WHERE ARE YOU GOING NEXT YEAR?????:H

Lots of love and good wishes,

From Louise :h

PS.. 102 POSTS
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