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**Sarasmiles** · January 12, 2009, 06:28 AM

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

Good Morning Mod Squad,
Zed, your evening out sounds wonderful. When I first met my husband, he was drinking Macallan. Now, sadly, he's been reduced to Dewars...Unless, of course, his company's paying.

I woke up feeling a little down. Funny how my mood is apparent to me even as I lie in bed, just waking up...Nothing to have influenced it one way or another, except, perhaps, dreams I don't remember. I was very cheery during my stretch of AF time. Now It's been several (3? 4?, can't recall) nights of moderate drinking, and I feel blue, so maybe that's why. It's not the only factor, though...Hubby's back into work mood and not as present either physically or psychologically as he was over Christmas vacation. Prozac has "left the building" at this point. We are trying to spend less money, which means a vow not to go out to eat until the end of the month, and none of those trips to the Museum of Science or any of our other haunts that charge admission. We are trying to find things to do with the kids that don't cost anything, and in mid-winter, it isn't easy. I get bored; I admit it.

I'm rambling. (Self-criticism: another sign of a low grade depression creeping in.) I'm telling myself I won't have a drink tonight, and I'll see how I feel. I'm not pacting, though...If I decide to have a glass of wine after Hubby gets home from work, I don't want to have all of you breathing down my neck! :H Just kidding...But I'm going to see how it feels to know that I can have a glass of wine if I want, and yet to focus on the benefits of choosing not to.

Be well, Squad. Sara

**Sarasmiles** · January 12, 2009, 06:30 AM

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

Good Morning Mod Squad,
Zed, your evening out sounds wonderful. When I first met my husband, he was drinking Macallan. Now, sadly, three kids later and he's been reduced to Dewars...Unless, of course, his company's paying.

I woke up feeling a little down. Funny how my mood is apparent to me even as I lie in bed, just waking up...Nothing to have influenced it one way or another, except, perhaps, dreams I don't remember. I was very cheery during my stretch of AF time. Now It's been several (3? 4?, can't recall) nights of moderate drinking, and I feel blue, so maybe that's why. It's not the only factor, though...Hubby's back into work mode and not as present either physically or psychologically as he was over Christmas vacation. Prozac has "left the building" at this point. We are trying to spend less money, which means a vow not to go out to eat until the end of the month, and none of those trips to the Museum of Science or any of our other haunts that charge admission. We are trying to find things to do with the kids that don't cost anything, and in mid-winter, it isn't easy. I get bored; I admit it.

I'm rambling. (Self-criticism: another sign of a low grade depression creeping in.) I'm telling myself I won't have a drink tonight, and I'll see how I feel. I'm not pacting, though...If I decide to have a glass of wine after Hubby gets home from work, I don't want to have all of you breathing down my neck! :H Just kidding...But I'm going to see how it feels to know that I can have a glass of wine if I want, and yet to focus on the benefits of choosing not to.

Be well, Squad. Sara

**Kid Shelleen** · January 12, 2009, 08:06 AM

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

It's a beautiful morning....

Sara,
Waking Depressed:
When I wake in the morning,and it's dark, and I'm lying in bed getting "the lay of the land", I realize how often we are at the mercy of our moods. I read something once that instructed us to start being thankful immediately for how much is going right so far; just ignore the negative for a moment. It went as far as to say that the direction of the day depended on the first words out of your mouth. Oddly enough, I tried it, and it works.Say "Thank you" to the air. Say "Good morning, I love you" to your cat or mate lying next to you. Try something affirming...Don't say,"Shit, I think I'm depressed again today".
If my first words are nagging at the wife, kids, or dog; if I turn on the ever-negative news right away and then comment under my breath...this day is going to have a hard time turning around.
When I am mindful, which is more often these days, I lie in bed and feel the warmth..I thank God that the furnace seems to have worked all night. We are all dry, safe and warm. Even if the roof were to be leaking; it's not leaking here, on my bed. We're OK. I feel the breathing next to me. My wife is still here. She's alive, safe, warm, and with me. That won't always be so. Cherish these days.
I feel my limbs moving under the covers.I haven't had a stroke. God has given me another day! It's my empty canvas. It's MY story. What will I do with it? I hear my daughter moving around upstairs. I'm so thankful. How many people in the world won't have a day as good as mine is already? The warm shower; the hot water heater, clean fresh towels..Thank you, universe; thank you,thank you, thank you...The lights in the kitchen go on. There's food in the pantry and fridge...Anyway; before I run this into the ground; you get the idea. We can take control of our own thoughts early on before that dark cloud settles over us and we don't know why. I have found it's harder to turn a mood AROUND later in the morning, than it is to get it going in the right direction early.
Drinking and feeling blue
If you were drinking MORE, I would say it's no coincidence that you are getting "bluer" with more consecutive days of drinking, although it still could be a factor, perhaps its that guilt of yours. Are you so conscious of the drinking that you aren't letting yourself enjoy it? Just guessing here.
When I'm blue and telling myself it's going to be an AF day on top of it, I tend to feel worse.It makes for a long damn day with no "reward" in sight. You? Give yourself permission to have one SAVORED drink toward the end of the day and you may cheer a little. When the end of the day gets here, you can decide whether you really need it or not.There's a little elevation in mood with having that choice, and you need some elevation right this minute!
The Winter Prison:
When I'm broke and feeling like we can't do anything out; I take stock of our memberships (Zoo, museums, etc)
and see if there's anything we can do that I overlooked. I pack imaginative little luches instead of buying food wherever we decide to go. Sometime the paper will list happenings that are cheap or free. Hiking trails, parks, downtown events..whatever. Or just find the cheapest thing and make a day of it anyway. Just find a way to keep it within budget and still be fun. (If all this is stupid rambling that isn't triggering any ideas or translating into something usable, I apologize)
Eating Out:.
When we haven't taken the kids out to eat in a while,but are feeling pinched, I take them to where we like the food,or it's nice for them but the portions are sizable. We split entees, soups, salads whatever. I don't get alcohol (which in my bad days was as costly as having someone else eat with us!) and I actually get water instead, letting the girls get what they want to drink. In this way, we spend about a third of what we do when we're "not counting" and feel like we still treated ourselves.Too embarrassed to split items? Hey, they'll take ANY business; and they certainly don't mind us when we're throwing money all over the place during "fat" times. They can humor me during the lean times. besides, I tip 25% for a smile and gracious service, extra plates or whatever..they remember.
As far as pacting goes..I think that was YOU breathing down your own neck. There's no pressure here; (but I did tell you the "pacting" thing might burn itself out..) PROMISING someone that you won't drink if they won't ,is a powerful tool. I try not to wear it out, or else it becomes like the promises I make to myself; promises I make, and then BREAK, far too easily these days...
Well, judging from the length of this ramble, one might conclude that I've nothing to do this morning. That's not true at ALL.
So, I'm off. I will check with you later.
My best to you,Sara and all you Modders!!
~Kid~

Sarasmiles;517620 wrote:

I woke up feeling a little down. Funny how my mood is apparent to me even as I lie in bed, just waking up...Nothing to have influenced it one way or another, except, perhaps, dreams I don't remember. I was very cheery during my stretch of AF time. Now It's been several (3? 4?, can't recall) nights of moderate drinking, and I feel blue, so maybe that's why. It's not the only factor, though...Hubby's back into work mode and not as present either physically or psychologically as he was over Christmas vacation. Prozac has "left the building" at this point. We are trying to spend less money, which means a vow not to go out to eat until the end of the month, and none of those trips to the Museum of Science or any of our other haunts that charge admission. We are trying to find things to do with the kids that don't cost anything, and in mid-winter, it isn't easy. I get bored; I admit it.

I'm rambling. (Self-criticism: another sign of a low grade depression creeping in.) I'm telling myself I won't have a drink tonight, and I'll see how I feel. I'm not pacting, though...If I decide to have a glass of wine after Hubby gets home from work, I don't want to have all of you breathing down my neck

! :H Just kidding...But I'm going to see how it feels to know that I can have a glass of wine if I want, and yet to focus on the benefits of choosing not to.

Be well, Squad. Sara

**Lila** · January 12, 2009, 09:07 AM

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

I struggle in winter, too. I tell myself it is not depression; it is a natural instinctive thing to hibernate. To make lists, have goals. To be inward looking. But I succumb to it, too. I took my daughter ice skating yesterday. Inwardly, I was grumping, but the daylight did me good.
Someone advised me to go to a - plant place, what are they called...? Where it is glass and heated like its tropical??? Makes you feel like summer. Anyways, the days are getting slightly longer, which is so great!
Zed, yes, that point of decision! And, how to say this, the spirit world, which I am a firm believer. Last night, about other issues, I thought Why not ask for divine help? It always works, unless what you want is really dumb. I am getting more in tune with that. The owner of the health club I just joined, she is like a Godsend!! Not that I talk to her a lot, but - well, you know. I came in because of a mushy tummy, but the benefits of exercise and being around positive energy are more than that! Things happen just in time.
OMG!!! It is late! Have to wake up the kids for school!
Bye all!
Lila

**Kid Shelleen** · January 12, 2009, 11:32 AM

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

A big greenhouse...

A "conservatory"...
That sounds good. Sunshine and plants, all in the dead of winter!
~Kid~

**cassy** · January 12, 2009, 11:39 AM

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

Hi
Thought I would vreep back on to the mods site as I had intended doing 30days ..but you ahve guessed it I weakened (almost in a planned manner)..i did 5 days but was on holiday with family In Ireland.
Temptations temptations..so I decided to drink in moderation.

I didnt drink at the party until 10pm and then ahd 2 glasses of wine only and stopped .
night 2... 2 drinks and went home.

Now the plan for the rest ot the weekdays this week is no drinking alcohol..it would be nice to be a moderate drinker but I,m sure it will creep up again.

I,m not ready to make the big leap into 30days as yet..so for now its moderation this week

i have just fot home from holiday and coulnt wait to get back on here..I,m just glad ~i didnt drink a too much on holiday and do anything i woulfd be embarrassed about.

So heres hoping for more sober nights this week..good Luck to you all.

Cassy

**Sarasmiles** · January 12, 2009, 12:22 PM

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

Hey Cassy! Nice to see you.

Kid, thank you so much for all your insight and ideas. I feel better already! Truly, having had someone take the time to type all that out for me...It was just what I needed. I am going to think grateful thoughts today, and do as you suggested when I wake up tomorrow. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

And Lila, thanks for your understanding. A conservatory sounds like a great idea! I'm so glad you are pleased with your gym and have met someone inspiring. You're right, it's about a lot more than tight abs.!

I spent the morning shopping, with a plan of using a gift card my MIL gave me for xmas....I was in search of bathrobes and slippers for the boys. Shopping is not the right activity for a day when I feel prone to depression. I couldn't decide on anything, and felt constricted by having to shop at the gift card stores...Decided I'd treat myself to something, but didn't feel like trying anything on, and didn't like anything I saw. waaa, waaa, waaa :upset: Poor me. I should have stayed home and read Kid's post! Ah well. The rest of the day looks brighter now. I'm going in to my office soon to see one client, then get to go pick up my beautiful boys. I look forward to their hugs and to chatting with them about the details of their days. You're right Kid, gratitude is so important. Thank God my kids are healthy and well. Thank God I'm not sharing the custody of them with an ex, and having to be without them because it's "his night". Thank God I can bring them home to a warm, cozy house, and offer them homemade banana bread. We're pinching pennies, but we're hardly starving, so thank God for that, too.

Off to dress for success. See you all later. Sara

**JAMMS** · January 12, 2009, 03:02 PM

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

hey squad....Popping in to say hello....busy busy busy....meetingsall day at work to discuss lay-offs....mid-terms and projects are this week and 1/2 of next...t's freezing outside....gotta go food shooping on the way home...and hubby and babygirl are sick with bad colds.....

SARA- Glad your feeling better..the winter blues really do suck!

KID- Great ideas. I know I'll use them

CASSY-good job modding.

'ZED-You really, really sound wonderful!

**keepwalking** · January 12, 2009, 05:39 PM

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

hi all just a quick check in from me as its late and i need to sleep zzzzzzz had a wonderful weekend, massage, spa, shopping, excellent food and brilliant company. just the tonic for forging ahead towards spring. Kid i relished your positive post because i appreciate my health so much that every morning when i wake i count my blessings one by one. my brain works, my eyes see, my ears hear, my heart beats, my mouth speaks and kisses the ones i love, i know it all sounds a bit cheesy but when you work in a school like mine were children are severely disabled to the extent they are tube fed and cant ever enjoy the feeling of tasty chips(fries) cant see their friends or family, cant hear the rain on the window and some cant walk, play or swim then you know how truly blessed you are. sorry to mention this but sometimes i think us with addictive tendencies can be a tad self obsessed and we need to wake up thinking about others sometimes?? this is not a lecture modders just my reality. The mind, body and soul is such a fragile thing, have gratitude for every bit of your body that works well, respect and cherish it, why do we abuse something that others would simply die for. The pleasure in enjoying a healthy meal ot taking part in an enjoyable pexercise should never ever be taken for granted. look after yourselves squadders, much love - keeps xx ( ps: can you tell im just back from a soul searching weekend!!)

**Lila** · January 12, 2009, 05:47 PM

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

no, Keeps, I loved your post! Yes, a tad obsessed! I have everything - can't even imagine not, and if I have less than everything I want, I sure don't like it. Thanks for making me think a bit...do you like your work?

**Lila** · January 12, 2009, 05:48 PM

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

hi all modders, welcome, Cassy! Hi to Jamms (layoffs, huh, that's sad!) and Kid.

**keepwalking** · January 12, 2009, 05:59 PM

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

yes i do lila but i have only been there since september 2008 so am adjusting every day. When i went to the christmas perforamnces i struggled so much as it was so emotional for me watching how proud their parents were with such little achievements like a wheelchair dance or singing in the choir. the down syndrome children reduce me to a pulp as they appreciate EVERY single second of the attention you give them, there are over 100 pupils and gradually i am getting to feel comfortable around them instead of a frozen statue. i am not a teacher i am an adviser so its all a bit foreign but so so rewarding, a job with real purpose! have you thought any more about working in a school, it is v rewarding?

**zed** · January 12, 2009, 07:30 PM

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

Hi guys,

just have a minute before rushing off into the cold for a meeting and the rest of today...

Kid, THANKS SO MUCH for your truly inspiring post, filled as it was with So much wisdom. I will re-read it again later, especially that first part about Gratitude and being positive at the beginning of every day... that rang true in so many ways for me, and I need to work on that myself. Cheers mate.

Also I agree with you that Sara dear needs to stop feeling guilty and enjoy her glass. Otherwise it's too much of a burden, you know...

Deebee (the vanished Deebs)

used to write every day about 1 thing she was grateful for that day... along with Sunbeam. That was so nice and brought out so much positive energy in our thread. Maybe we can do that every so often, whenever we remember to.

Lila, KW, Sara, and you folks who've stopped by to check up on us and let us know how you're doing - and the rest of you out there - HAVE A GREAT TUESDAY.

Sara, that's funny about your husband drinking Macallan before and now he's moved to Dewars. Ha ha. That made me laugh. But you know what, a well-poured glass of Dewars on the rocks with some soda is a damn good evening drink. Might not be a single malt, but those well-made blendeds have their own appealing points, when dealt with in moderation.

Here's to being GRATEFUL for all we have!!

Much love. Zed

**Sarasmiles** · January 12, 2009, 08:27 PM

Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

So My Friends.
Depression has crashed in on me like a tidal wave today, and I don't know why. I am feeling unbearably distant from my husband, and am forcing myself to smile at my dear little boys. I won't carry on about it, but please send hugs my way, and perhaps I'll be better tomorrow. Sara

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