Any Successful moderators?

[Brigitte Bardot]

Any Successful moderators?

KevFromCanberra;1047520 wrote: By contrast if I was abstaining and held the view that I had a disease that prevented me from ever drinking then I would live in fear. The fear that I might accidentally eat a meal that had been prepared with alcohol, and then because alcohol ruled me I would proceed to get totally drunk and be back to drinking every day again. Or the fear that I would attend a wedding and not be able to toast the bride without getting totally bladdered.

I have read loads of books on dieting and its generally agreed that anyone trying to keep to a draconian, ultra strict diet is doomed to failure. But if you allow yourself an occasional junk factor day where you let yourself go and have a few cakes and other goodies, its more likely that you will perservere with the diet.

I really admire people who abstain and religiously count down every day and hour not drinking but to me its not a real cure, its just a bandaid with the risk that the bandaid might come off one day.

I am a big believer in the power of habit and I really think that if you just keep minimising the role of alcohol in your life, removing it from the house, not having any in the refrigerator, gradually distancing yourself from other people who abuse alcohol, eventually you get to the point where the need to drink just withers away.

I am moderating at the moment, but I see a time where I will probably have been abstaining for years and will not even have noticed it.

Regards,
Kevin

Kevin,

You've made some really valid points in your posts. I believe there are people out there who may have abused alcohol in the past, can learn to successfully moderate later on. For me, I need a lot of AF time prior to going down that road. I would love one day to be able to moderate. I currently don't live in fear of alcohol, I don't white knuckle it if people are drinking around me, I don't worry about relapse if alcohol is cooked in my food as I do that every now and then myself..I just haven't been drinking the rest.

Great post!

[KevFromCanberra]

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Thanks Brigitte,

I did have a few concerns that I might have offended abstainers with my post. It is tricky this issue with alcohol because there are so many different ways it manifests itself with different people.

I think with some problem drinkers they get into a drinking scene or live in a drinking culture where most people drink, and unfortunately for them they find that they are not suited to drinking.

I have had some good times with drinking over the years, great parties, laughs and cameraderie in pubs, chatted up attractive women when I was a shy lad too frightened to even talk to a women when sober, I have shared good times with my family members who I have almost nothing else in common with apart from boozing, networked my way into some great jobs over a drink etc.

But alcohol eventually became my enemy. I dont know why but I just seem to get drunker and sillier quicker than most other people drinking the same amount as me. People talk about developing a tolerance to drugs and needing stronger doses. For me it was the opposite. As I got older I got drunk on less, to the point where I would drink out of habit and to keep in my social network, but would already be drunk after a few drinks.

Waking up on the floor at home and not knowing how you got even managed to catch the right train and make it home in one piece from the station is not a good look, particularly when the person doing it is a professional computer worker with three young children who you should be setting a good example for. So it had to go. But its been a long road. Alcohol has been a good friend and a social tool for me, but its like a friend who has gone bad, turned nasty and become a threat to me.

But as I have posted elsewhere, I recognise that, just as there are people who have zero issues with alcohol, there are people who have worse issues with it than me. For me it was down to social and peer group pressures, habit and the expectation of a good time from a drinking environment. And I just got drunker and sillier than other people while they were able to consume the same amount and still be sober.

I think for some people alcohol acts more like a drug and for them its all about the chemical reaction of a high or the numbing of pain or whatever it is that they seek from it. Maybe such a person would call themselves an alcoholic using the definitions of AA, and if that works as a tool for them then that is a good thing. I suppose that some people are physically addicted to alcohol, and for them total abstinence is the only way.

It is very tricky because the way this susbtance effects us is different for each individual and so there is no one size fits all solution.

I think that not drinking any alcohol at all is probably the gold standard for dealing with the problem, and that is what I am aiming for. So I share the same goal as the person aiming at abstinence.

The main thing for me is to be someone who doesn't drink rather than a problem drinker or alcoholic who is abstaining from drinking whether "one day at a time: the way AA do it or a one off commitment making a big plan like the RR people do. To be honest I read the Rational Recovery book a few years ago and made the big plan, committed to never drink again, and lasted one day. The thought of never being able to drink again was too overwhelming a concept to deal with and totally defeated me. I got plastered the next day and was a write-off.

But with my smoking habit, which I was physically addicted to, I just stopped stone dead one day (after trying to quit for about 3 years using every trick in the book). Once I stopped I was a non-smoker with immediate effect from that day onwards. Some of my work mates from the "smoking club" at work actually tried to entice me back into smoking but they could not tempt me. I was not a smoker using will power to abstain from smoking, I had become a different animal, a non-smoker.

So that is my aim with drinking. To become a non-drinker.

[Sunnyvalenting]

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Thanks to all who have posted recently. I have been abstinent for a year + now and am not counting the hours or days. Truth is there is no up side to alcohol for me so I leave it alone. I do believe the situation is different for each of us. I am glad to hear there are a few successful moderators out there. I don't agree with the diet analogy, however, because the problem with alcohol is that it reduces the function of the neocortex even in fairly low doses. This is know as reduction in inhibitions. I NEED my inhibition where alcohol is concerned. Tasty food does not act in that same way so I agree that tasty food must be part of a calorie reduced diet. In rats who have been rehabed the most likely determinent of relapse is exposure to the substance in question. No need for me to risk that now and thanks to baclofen no desire to do so. I feel I am CURED. At any rate thanks to all and best of luck.
S

[KevFromCanberra]

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Hi Sunny,
Thanks for your post. It sounds like you are at the place where I would like to get to eventually where you are abstinent to the point where you dont really need to count it down to the day.

If someone asks me how long it is since I had my last smoke, I really dont know. It was several years ago in London. In fact its probably nearly 10 years. It doesnt really matter, I dont smoke so its sort of irrelevant.

So after I do this moderation thing to death, I would like to think I will get to the same point with alcohol, where I just dont use it, dont see the point in it and dont even remember when I stopped.

Posts like yours are all adding to my knowledge and helping me to focus on my goal and increase my resolve to just toss this habit into the dust bin where it belongs.

I do recognise that while I drink there will always be the risk of having that one too many.

Regards,
Kevin

[prancy]

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I loved your post, Eve. Thanks for giving a thoughtful, realistic answer.
Everyone has to find a path for themselves and as we all know, we are each of us quite unique!

[Eve11]

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prancy;1072156 wrote: I loved your post, Eve. Thanks for giving a thoughtful, realistic answer.
Everyone has to find a path for themselves and as we all know, we are each of us quite unique!

Thank you Prancy!
:l
Eve11

[Sarasmiles]

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Hi Everyone, (((((Eve! :l))))

I disagree with your analogy to food and draconian diets, Kevin. I agree that to commit to never eating another carb, never having fat in one's diet, or severely restricting calories is likely to doom one to dieting failure. But I think alcohol is very different, primarily because it triggers an even more powerful reaction in our brains than food does. For most people who have a drinking problem, abstaining completely is the healthiest, easiest, most successful way to put the problem behind them. At SMART recovery, which I think is a great approach, we do not have to say, "I'm an alcoholic", or "I have a drinking problem". We're encouraged to say, after some sober time, "I had a problem with drinking. Now I don't". But not having a problem comes from not drinking, not from trying, successfully or not, to control it. Occasional or "moderate" drinking is more likely to lead to over drinking than is abstaining. And as Eve pointed out, the repeated re-introduction of alcohol keeps cravings and urges to drink alive and active. Eating we need to do...can't abstain from that completely, so we have to find a way to balance the use of food in our lives. But drinking is unnecessary. IMHO, most of us are far better off without it.

Sunny, I think the answer to your question depends a lot on your definition of success. I have only had a few "drunken episodes" in the last 12 years! I spent the past year without ever over-drinking. I was abstinent for nearly six months and then "moderated" for six months before finally realizing I just didn't want to keep struggling to keep it under control anymore. I was "successful" at controlling it, yes. Never had more than two, maybe three drinks, 3 or 4 times a month. Is that successful moderation? If you measure success by the number of drinks consumed, then yes. But I finally gave it up after one night when I had just one drink more than usual:

It was a day when my husband and I were having people over for dinner. I was looking forward to the evening, largely because I had given myself permission to have two drinks that night. As the day went on, my anticipation grew into a kind of anxiety...couldn't wait, yearning for it...focused on it. I started to cook dinner at around 4:00, and decided to have one of my two glasses while I cooked. But I didn't want the kids or Hubby to see, (at 4pm) so I drank it out of a coffee mug. Then I wanted my second. Immediately. Had it. Two hours later, I rationalized "well, the first two have worn off. Have another two now...it's been long enough so that this is like a second, separate occasion." I had two glasses of wine. Then I stopped. Didn't get drunk, really; only a little buzzed. Functioned fine. BUT. I saw it for what it was. A compulsion, barely controlled. An addiction. Something shameful, I was hiding. This is not the way I feel about butter! Looking forward to it? Hiding it? Bargaining with myself in order to have more of it? Feeling guilty for exceeding my self-imposed limit? Who measures out a tsp. of butter and kicks herself for having two? (Well, maybe if you're counting points on Weight Watchers, but not when you're just living life and eating in a natural way, )

So although the amounts I consumed over those six months were "moderate", the drinking behavior and the thought processes were not healthy, relaxed, life-enhancing or rewarding. Eve, your fine wine and drink in the hotel lounge sound just lovely, and I'm glad for you if you can have them without angst. For me, there would be an intense preoccupation with anticipating those drinks, and it would take concerted effort to keep to one or two. To me, that is not success. Success for me is looking forward to going out with Hubby because I love to be with him. Looking forward to a vacation as a chance to see new places, feel the sun on my back, relax away from home. Success is tasting the food at a restaurant and not wasting my energy and brain space on the question of when and if it would be okay to order another glass of wine. Success is finally being at the point where I look forward to 5:00 because it's when my children are near me, doing their homework while I cook us a good meal, and I sip my herbal tea or seltzer. Success is finally, finally becoming the kind of mom and wife and woman I've always wanted to be.

I love choosing to be alcohol free!

[Eve11]

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Beautifully, honest post!

Sara,
What a brutally honest post! I can so relate to what you are saying.

As I have said before, everyone who finds their way here is experiencing a problem with drinking and they know it. What was poignant and painful about your post was the fact that sometimes it isn't the amount but the angst one goes through of thinking about drinking, anticipating and looking forward to the date or time when it is considered o.k. in their minds, and the pure awfulness of the glass being empty and you want another one too soon or when you shouldn't be having a third. It is just so much work sometimes for people with problems to moderate that it is probably a lot more freeing to just say "no more" and live one day at a time without it. "Food" or is it "drink" for thought?

Love you,
:l:h:l
Eve11

[Sarasmiles]

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Thanks, Eve. I'm glad this is a place where we can all share what works and doesn't work for us. :l Love you, too.

Sara

[KundaliniGirl]

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Sara, really poignant post. Thanks for putting it out here. I think it taps into an unexplored area. Most of the time people here are talking about extremes. I think it's the middle of the road drinker I can relate to most of all. Not that we drink a gallon of vodka a day, but just that we question whether or not we really want to drink at all just because of the hassle of the mind games that can come along with struggling to moderate. I'm still figuring all this out for myself. I'm modding but choosing to be AF most days. I feel so much better when I don't drink that I'm leaning toward it but just hate to say NEVER again can I have a glass of wine or a beer. It's an interesting journey that can lead to very worthwhile self discovery.

[Eve11]

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KG,
Well said and how true (interesting journey to self discovery).

I too feel so much better when I wake up and haven't had any alcohol the night before. Even 1 affects my sleep. I know that and yet I still find it tempting and fun to have a couple of drinks on nights when I'm off the next day. So, I still ride the roller coaster too.

Hugs,
Eve11

[KundaliniGirl]

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Eve,

I guess if we think about it - life is full of struggles. And, it seems that I too am willing to risk a night's sleep here and there because I have fun drinking. It's a balancing act to be sure!

KG

[Sunnyvalenting]

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Just checking back in,
Thank you all, especially Sara for your recent posts. I "managed" my alcohol dependence relatively well for a few decades by vigilance and anxious watching over myself. I still got drunk and regularly had more than I believed was safe, wise, or healthy. I was NEVER neutral about alcohol. It was ALWAYS a BIG DEAL weather I drank or didn't. It got much worse with time and I totally lost control. I finally was able to recover using baclofen. I intend to remain abstinent for the rest of my days. I am finally comfortable with the not drinking part. This was my experience. More power to all of your to reach you own conclusions and goals.
Sunny

[Sunbeam]

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OK, time for me to check in on my journey. I was pretty successful at drinking moderately for over three years. I mostly just had 2-3 glasses of wine on the weekend. Occasionally I did drink more than I intended, but never returned anywhere near where I was. I thought about drinking more than that, experienced the angst. Now, recently I have developed GERD, and can't have any at all. Also no chocolate, caffeine, tomatoes, citrus, ice cream: other things I loved. The price I would pay is severe pain, constant discomfort. Oh well. Now I am AF. It is easier.

My love to all my friends here.

[Eve11]

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Sunbeam
New Avatar, old friend. So sorry about the health issues!!!
Good to hear from you again. Please check in anytime to offer advice, support, comfort.
:l
Eve11