I don't want to be totally AF......,

[Search4me]

Dear frances - Im new to this site. I search for others who have had success with occasional drinking. Your post is an uplifting surprise. I use to drink a bottle of wine many nights a week, one glass would lead to the entire bottle. Luckily I realized the trouble I had fallen into and the problems I caused (Drunk) which headed me down a path of research and abstinence. Months later, struggling with the missing (celebratory) glass of wine, I started to test my ability to control drink. I have experienced several successful days of control drinking (2 glasses) and do not have a problem returning to abstinence. However, I need help finding others, research material and programs to assist me with this option. I don't want to fall back into old habits and I truly do not want to give up the ability to enjoy wine with an occasional dinner. I would appreciate any and all information you can share with me. Thank you

[Search4me]

I'm new at attempting to control drink. I would like to know what kind of drinker you were before this was successful for you.

[Search4me]

Have any of you experienced heavy enough drinking that it became a real problem in your life, than, successfully made it to a life of moderate or controlled drinking? Might seem like a strange question, but I would love to know some of your stories. I can abstain & control drink, however, when I fail to control & binge I'm a mean drunk and well, the rest is obvious. Any fellow drinkers out there with some advice so I don't have to go totally AF?

[frances]

Hi Search4me - so sorry your posts have gone unanswered these past few days! I was out of town and not online over the weekend.

To answer your question about what kind of drinker I was - I was a daily drinker. I frequently drank a bottle or more a night. Never less than two glasses that's for sure but two was rare. 3-6 drinks a night was the norm during the week. On weekends more. I did not go a day without a drink. It got to the point that I bought wine for the drive home from work (I had a long commute) on a regular basis. On weekends I would get home from church and have a drink (right around noon, sometimes earlier).

Getting really wasted drunk was not something I did very often but it did happen on occasion (a couple times a year or so). But every day, after work, I just didn't feel 'normal' until I had a drink. On weekends it was the same, though it started earlier. I have two kids and they play sports - when I took them to games for warm ups I would go get a drink before heading back for when the game started. Everything I did revolved around drinking and I couldn't stand the thought of going somewhere if I couldn't have a drink.

Before getting to the place I am now, I abstained completely for 9 full months. And now, I don't drink often although lately it's been just about every weekend. It's been about 2 1/2 years (including the 9 months) – I don’t drink when I’m just at home like I used to. If I do, it’s because I’m out to dinner or there’s some ‘occasion’. I went back and found an older post of mine that describes some thoughts I had that still hold true"

“I'm really trying not to kid myself because I've tried moderating before unsuccessfully - in those cases I think there were a couple of key differences: 1) I didn't have enough AF time under my belt. This time I had 9 months. 2) I went directly right back to drinking regularly but just trying to drink less quantity. Well that didn't work at all. So now, I'm trying just having one drink on a very rare occasion.”

My thing is that if I let myself drink more often than every week or two (and only one or two on those occasions) – then I think I might get back where I was, and I don’t want to do that.

The thing that you need to be aware of is that for most people this doesn’t work. I’m not sure why it’s been working for me so far but I do feel like my "brain" is different. I don’t think about it like I did, I am able to stop after one or two, I don’t want it all the time any more. I honestly feel free now. But if you are thinking about it all the time and living life around these rules that you make, then many people just get 1) tired of doing that all the time, and 2) back to where they were…in other words, it doesn’t work for them.

I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t say that, but that being said, if you think you can do this and you want to try, I will definitely support you all the way!! I will say that for me, I really really think that the 9 months without drinking at all had a lot to do with me being able to get here – I broke down those habits I had developed.

As for your question about research and programs - I don't have a lot to help you there - only my own experience. Others on this site have not had as much success from what I've observed and what they've shared - - but they are trying. one person who was a very active moderator for at least a couple of years finally decided to go AF because she was not totally successful and found herself overdoing it more often than she wanted to. She was 'Eve11' and then came back as 'Addy' (all done drinking, yes) - her posts might be helpful to you.

I look forward to hearing more from you and how things are going!

[frances]

Good morning out there! Just checking in, for myself if nothing else. I read regularly. Things are continuing to go well for me - with softball tourneys out of town almost every weekend and with team dinners, etc. I have typically been having a drink or two during those outings. So lately I have had a drink just about every weekend. This weekend is an 'off' weekend for softball so I haven't had anything to drink since last Saturday and won't until the next trip, when we are headed to Myrtle Beach - which is this week from Wednesday - Sunday. After that, softball will be over so I expect to go back to drinking less often. I feel a little weird saying that - I don't really have a problem with the fact that I've been having a drink or two on weekends - but I still keep close track and things feel better to me when drinking is every 2-3 weeks versus every week. Either way, even with weekly drinking, I'm not craving any more, etc. and so overall things are still great. Yay!!

[NoraC]

Hi Frances - I was wondering where you were. Also, wondering how AG is doing.

Frances - I think it's great that you are able to moderate. Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job at it. The fact that you feel free is the answer right there. It wasn't in my cards but I am FINALLY accepting that. (I'm a slow learner )
My niece is busy with her kids sports. I don't envy you all that running around.

Search - sorry that your post was missed. Welcome! :welcome:

[frances]

Thanks Nora - yes, we are definitely busy running around a lot. Soon enough the kids will be out of the house and we will be wondering what to do with all of our free time! I'm glad you have figured out what works and doesn't work for you!

[ToMyHealth]

Hey, Frances. Almost August and your summer will wind down. Glad to hear you are doing so well.
I had a lost day this week. Not happy about that. At all! Last night had 1-1/2 drinks, slept well, and now today getting ready to entertain in our new home for 1st time. But first am going to go wind up my 4th week in the Couch to 5K program.

This thread is basically dead. But since I am not presently AF feel like it's the place for me to post. Anyone out there?

TMH

[frances]

Hi TMH! Got back from Myrtle Beach but turned around for a quick trip to MN for a cousin's funeral service. Sorry you had a bad day - sounds like you've got a good mental state to keep this going! You can't get slack or AL will sneak right back in. Hope your entertaining went well and that your exercising is still going well too. Isn't it very hot when you're out there? In Myrtle beach it was upper 90s and muggy as heck - it was really bad!

[ToMyHealth]

Hi Frances, sorry to hear about your cousin. Yes, it is very hot here. If I run outside it is no later than 9a. Usually I go to the Fitness Center and use the treadmill. Runs outside are much more satisfying, however. Our community has a 5K and 15K to benefit Homes for Humanity, something like that, in Oct. They used to have a 8K, wish they still did. I have often worked it, this year I want to be a runner.
Have heard Myrtle Beach is beautiful. Did you golf?

[frances]

Thanks TMH. Good for you for running this year - that's great!

Myrtle beach was very nice. We stayed right on the beach. My daughter was playing in a softball tournament, so we didn't have too much time to do other things but got out to a couple nice shopping areas and fun places for the kids. No golfing, but we did see a bunch of courses and a lot of people who were clearly on their way out to golf. My good friend's husband goes there every year for a golf trip with friends. It does look very nice!

[Stewarts]

HI all, it has been awhile. I had a whirlwind of a few months...sometimes I modded pretty well, sometimes not so well. I don't drink every day, I never have, so I think that helps.

Oh, I do have some news I got married (again) almost 2 weeks ago.. that is probably why modding was hard, people coming in, parties, etc. We have not gone on a honeymoon yet (a few weeks we will) an work has been busy. I got real stressed yesterday (in a good way). SO when I was walking back to our apartment, I talked my wife into stopping in for a glass of wine somewhere, I ended up have three glasses! Not so bad though.

I need to sign up for a race soon, I think. My school is done (have my MBA now) and now the wedding is done, it's just moving her in permanently, really. I live in NYC, it's not as easy as most places when you "combine" households.

I guess I can't complain much. Frances is right though, if you really want to drop and mod, you need a long period of being AF. It's funny, because you also feel much better when you are AF.

[frances]

Hi Stewart - congratulations on getting married! AND on getting your MBA! Wow you've had some big events - I remember when you first started dating your wife. It hasn't been that long, has it? My best wishes for a happy life together!

I agree - everything is better when you're AF. I've continued to do well - glad the busy season is over for now with sports and I shouldn't be out of town for at least a few weeks. I have to admit I had a drink on nearly half of the days in July - was out at beaches (sort-of vacations) for long softball trips and also had a vacation in there, and I usually have a wine or beer with dinner when we're all out.

The last drink I had was when I was in MN at a funeral - I had a glass of wine at my aunts on the day of the service, and I also had one the next day at the airport. Neither were 'needed', but the airport one particularly was not. sadly I think I was just bored and killing time which is so stupid. Anyway, that was two weeks ago and I haven't had a drink since then and don't expect another one any time soon, which I'm happy about. I do continue to track every single drink, date, etc. which is always interesting to go back and look at. I had a drink on 14 occasions/days in July as opposed to 5 days in June. But overall my mental state is still good (not obsessed, etc.) and things are working out great so far with this.

I'm glad you checked in Stewart- it's nice to know how things are going!

[Stewarts]

I totally hear you about being "bored" or "passing time". My sister and I were talking about that, saying you're not going to drink, but you do simply because your bored or passing time. I have a boat up in New England, so does my dad, and the dock we have our boats at wanted to throw a wedding party for me and my wife. My one boat neighbor is a big drinker and had a whole bar set up. They started the party at around 2:30, lots of food too, but after awhile, you're like, I might as well try some of those drinks. Oh, and when you have relatives and inlaws and such coming in for the real wedding, you definitely want to drink!!! LOL. I think my wife and I are on, or were on, company overload...we need to just chill. My wife is not a big drinker, so it should be easy for me to mod or meet my goals when I pick them. We are finally leaving on our honeymoon this coming Thursday: Prague then Austria, which are too big drinking countries, but I think we'll be ok since it will be the two of us.

Frances, yeah, we starting dating in May of 2015...yeah it was pretty quick... I'm 41, she's 38, at that age you kind of just know, I guess. I was also married before, so I was able to see pretty early on where it was heading...

be well.

best,

j.

[frances]

A new month starting so a quick check-in here. August was sad because one of my cousins died tragically at the end of July, but it was a good month for me AL wise - a total of 3 days for the month for a total of 4 drinks for the month. The 3rd occasion I had 2 glasses of wine after 3 weeks AF and I swear I felt physically bad because of having 2. I didn't like that at all. But overall everything still going well - maybe one of these days I'll go back to totally AF but for now I still feel good about where I am with this.