AF Daily - Monday January 5

[veritas]

AF Daily - Monday January 5

Just thinking of the question of why I drank.

I loved the lift it gave me. I was terrified of ending up like my father, so for my early adult life, I steered away from alcohol. When I did drink, even a small amount, it would make me very happy and exuberant and then violently ill.

My friends would encourage me to drink. I became a one woman show and the entertainment would start. They would sneak Cointreau into my coke and wait for the effects to set in. I became known as the, "one pot screamer".

I am a shy person, so being surrounded by people who found you funny was just too much of a re-enforcement.

[stargirl]

AF Daily - Monday January 5

Hi Everyone, I just found this thread....I'm a little bit of a newbie. I have been looking around the site for about a week and this seems like a wonderful way to wake up. Why did I drink? To enter into a state of oblivion. Pure and simple. I did it on purpose too. I new what I was doing, but I wanted to damn it, so I did. I'm on day 9 today which is actually quite an accomplishment for me. 2nd longest in 10 years of drinking hard...everyday. I have been inspired by all of the support you give each other so I thought I would join in!

[retteacher]

AF Daily - Monday January 5

Star: If you want to continue to be AF, this thread is the best! I can't start my day wo/looking at it at least. Mary

[Cinders]

AF Daily - Monday January 5

Welcome Stargirl and Hi to all my Abs friends,

Today I am retaking stock of what my plan is.

Mags and I discussed my depression and I think she is absolutely right, the constant pain is a major cause of my depression.

I am going to take this on. There is no reason someone should have to live with so much pain and it is making staying sober very difficult. Very.

I am picking up the phone this morning, making another appt with neurologist to discuss a change in meds. There has got to be something that helps. I cannot keep taking Vicuprofen to get rid of the pain, the Gabapentin and the Verpamil have helped keep the instances down a bit (earlier this year, the pain was a daily thing.. now it is not) but not good enough!!

I want to get my life back, meaning sober and pain free as possible and I simply do not want to take codeine meds, the last thing I need is another thing to get hooked on. Grrrr!!

Okay. I said it and I am going to do it.

Love,
Cindi

[Cinders]

AF Daily - Monday January 5

Hi, Mary,

Cross posted.

I agree, this thread is one of the most important things I read daily.

Even when I fail, it helps keep the thoughts alive that I can and will beat this thing.

Love,
Cindi

[Determinator]

AF Daily - Monday January 5

Happy hangover-free Monday ABeroooos!

Stargirl, glad you found us here

as an adult alcohol was my dysfunctional big brother I could always fall back upon. no matter how screwed up my life's circumstances were I had the warm sickly comfort of al to look forward to. In fact I put up with a LOT of things in life I really should not have just because I would hide in my security blanket of alcohol and let it persist. So in this manner I had developed not only a severe chemical dependance but a tendency to allow myself to be abused psychologically. Needless to say sobriety has kept me busy playing catchup with my emotional intelligence and other stunted aspects of my mental growth. whew!

and with that I'm off to a very busy work day.

be well my friends

[aidanspappa]

AF Daily - Monday January 5

Good Morning,

I would like to join this daily thread and express deep gratitude for all of your stories; I find myself in bits and pieces of all you. Today is day 2 for me; a binge drinker on weekends and most recently during the week. After a holiday of drinking I decided to address this problem and joined yesterday.

Why did I keep drinking? I found having goals is important early on in life; and it has led to many successes in the past. However, one of my "goals" was to make it to Friday Night!!! The binge drinker (I was) could hold off for days (usually 5) as long as there was a pay-off on Friday Night. This worked in my 20s and early 30s....but life gets messy, and tolerance builds. The more tolerance I would build towards the poison the more I would use and dump in my body. I would find looking forward to going back to work only to get a break from myself. I would be hungover Monday, feel better Tuesday and start thinking about Friday Night by Wednesday Night. YUCK!!!! I became a work-a-holic and found many reasons to reward my hard work...with AL!!! Insane!!!

I have a soon to be 4 year old (Jan 13), Aidan, who is starting to connect with me...I mean I can sense he sees me really deeply; and I don't want to fool him anylonger. I guess I see myself longing for my own father who left me when I was young and is now suffering pancreatic/liver cancer. Its killing me inside, his disease; how do I tell him how much he hurt me when he is in so much physical pain? I'm trapped, but I won't use AL to wash it away any more. Today, my son will know his true and clean father. Each day I will make this vow, and each day I will work to keep this promise.

Thanks for letting me vent; just got a call from my father's wife...back in the hospital and it is bad. **&^!

[Cherbear]

AF Daily - Monday January 5

rejoining you all!! AF 11!!!

Good Morning or Afternoon or Evening!!
Its Morning for me, and I re-joined your Fantastic Thread on Sat.
I have been in and out of this forum for over a year but as I said on Sat. newly comitted.
After reading posts. I could really relate to Reteach about after a dinner party or social event when AL was involved she felt Tense and obsessed. I totally can relate.
Why did I drink, initially it was the teen fit in, and drown sorrow thing . but then it was the wire that got stronger and stronger just simply feeding the monster or Robot. I do think my excuse was that I have "anxiety" but now I know that it likely was partly the AL causing the Anxiety. A vicious cycle.

I feel strong right now, very comitted as a Non drinkier. I've gone the route of pretending that after a period of abs I could start to moderate but I know that I can't now. It just creeps in and I end up drinking practically a whole bottle of wine. NO more.

I'm off to yoga since I have the day off today.
DG: good luck with your business, my husband owns a business and right now is a scary time. hang in there.:l

[dill]

AF Daily - Monday January 5

Why I continued to drink? Habit/addiction, plain and simple. What started out as a harmless and enjoyable activity gradually increased to a physical addiction. I simply enjoyed the feeling, but then it got harder to achieve the feeling. It took more and more alc to get it. You all know what a vicious cycle it is! I have been blessed with a full and wonderful life. I was loved and nurtured as a child. I was not trying to escape anything. No excuses. Just physical addiction.

[Cheech66]

AF Daily - Monday January 5

thanks too all i will tell my story soon

[brittzak]

AF Daily - Monday January 5

Why did I keep drinking? I didn't start drinking until I was 33 and it was to numb pain and I continued to NUMB the pain. Although when I finally relaized I had to at some point sober up...pain was still there and I still had to deal with it only NOW I not only had to deal with that PAIN....I also had to deal with the years worth of self-inflicted pain I had caused from the year I spent drunk! I had caused quiet a FREAKING mess of my life in that 1 year....let me tell you. 1 solid year drunk and mentally unstable...it takes YEARS to rebuild what took 1 years took wreck down. LITERALLY!!!!

[Accountable for Me]

AF Daily - Monday January 5

I have noticed that there are a few of us who didn't hit the bottle until our 30's. Kind of interesting. Britt I know why you started to drink. I started to drink shortly after my divorce. I was a full blown alchy at 31. Never drank much or next to nothing in my 20's. Except for a year of weekend/club drinking when I was 28/29 and newly separated.

You are also right on the money. It takes a long time to recover from only a year of hard drinking. That is why people shouldn't beat themselves up after drinking for a decade or more and can't seem to get to complete AF the first time (or the first few times).

Anyway, I am off to the gym and then to the hair dressers. I have to get back to work soon, or I will be going in for plastic surgery due to boredom.

[BridgetJones1998]

AF Daily - Monday January 5

Wow, it is humbling to read these stories and, as many have said, I see parts of my own story in many of those described. I guess drinkning alone to kill the pain as i described in my earlier post and that describes the past few years. Before that, it was as veritas described, trying to be the life of the party or confident, or outgoing, when that wasn't who I was at all. Trying to gain some self worth by making others laugh and getting some attention..... By being the drunk???? These past years have been about hiding and isolation and pain and guilt.

[BridgetJones1998]

AF Daily - Monday January 5

ps. Texting on phone from work so hard for me to proofread my post. Don't want a computer "trail". Sorry if wording a little off. Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories. They are very moving and, I believe, helpful to remind us of what our weaknesses are so we can learn how to cope differently.

[Accountable for Me]

AF Daily - Monday January 5

Oh, I texted off of my phone for the very first time EVER at the end of December. How freaking annoying! That is one thing that I will never get use to nor want to do again!