Weekly AA Thread - Week of Nov. 16 - 22

[retteacher]

Hi Everyone:

I had trouble getting into MWO this AM, so I couldn't start this thread. I went to my BB meeting last night, & as usual, regardless of how different my story seems to be, I can always get something out of the reading...& relate to it as well. I was reminded of my solitary drinking & my awful black-outs last night. I can see so clearly the purpose of the BB readings & the speaker meetings.
-I must never forget where I came from.
-I must never think I can go back to "a drink now & then."
-I must remember that I tried & tried to drink like a normal person to no avail.
-I must remember that I drank so much that I blacked out. That is, I couldn't remember the next day anything about the night before.

That is not normal drinking & never will be.

I'll be back tomorrow hopefully.

Mary

[drylifeahead]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Nov. 16 - 22

Hi retteacher,

I was reminded of my solitary drinking & my awful black-outs last night.

Wow my heart started pounding when I read this!! Had to read it a couple times because I couldn't believe you had a black out last night....

Then I 'got' what you meant. Last night you were reminded...:H:H:H

Strange how placement of words can be read incorrectly the first time...

Thank you for starting the AA thread. Have been checking on and off all day for it. Not sure what day I am going back for a meeting..most likely Wednesday-don't want to put it off for too long like I did a year ago, and not try it again.

Your Must not forget, and must remembers are great reminders too!

DLA :h:h

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Nov. 16 - 22

Hello DLA and Mary! Mary, thanks for getting us started for the week and your EXCELLENT summary of "reminders." I too am in that boat where I must never forget. Like you, that reminder is one of the benefits of AA for me. Funny - I'm sure that might sound to some like a funeral dirge or something. For me, being reminded of where I came from helps me appreciate X10 what I have today, and my good "todays" start with sobriety.

DLA - good for you checking out different meetings. I think the most significant thing is that you are not "ruling out" AA (or any other tool) as a possible resource now, or at some other time. Looking back to how things were for me when I was suicidal and hopeless and drinking in isolation, I STILL thought "AA is not for me." Looking back, I realize how nutty that was to "rule out" any form of potential help. My stash of pills for my suicide plan was OK, but AA was NOT OK???? Geez. Insanity is right!!

Hello WF and Cindi from the end of last weeks thread. Cindi, excellent observations on your husband's part about all of us ending up in the same place no matter where we started and how we got there.

For meetings, my preference tends to be the "study" type meetings more than the speaker type meetings. That's not because I don't like the speaker meetings - it's just that I like the feel of what some around the tables I sit at call "Sober School." I enjoy studying the Big Book and going around the table talking about readings or even "open topics" where someone just tosses out a subject and off we go. I seem to get a lot out of listening to a wide variety of people comment on a specific topic.

For speakers, I am really starting to get more mileage out of recorded speakers! One of the meeting chairs started sharing his extensive collection of speaker CD's and I've been making good use of that program to listen to speakers as I'm driving around. And for newer folks to this thread who may not have seen this info "way back when" there are lots of free speaker podcasts available through iTunes. When you go to the iTunes store, you can just do a search on "AA Podcasts" and a few different options for accessing speakers come up.

I have a second temporary sponsee. This woman started out at the Club where I go, but then moved to another area. She is the one who arranged for me to speak a the "away" club not too long ago. She has a sponsor but says her sponsor doesn't have time for her. She is dealing with some difficult family issues and she is convinced (and I agree) that continued forward progress with the steps will help her stay sober. So I agreed to help her at least in the short run until she can find someone 1) more experienced that I and 2) closer to home to work with.

The last week has been very out of whack in terms of my AA involvement and also my gym workouts! Between the cold I am not quite over yet and the weekend activities, I'm all out of kilter. And this morning I slept in so missed the 5AM "middle of the night" meeting I usually start me week with! But I'm recovering today and will be back to my usual schedule tomorrow on all fronts.

Strength and hope to all!!

DG

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Nov. 16 - 22

DLA: Yes, I did word that improperly. At last night's meeting, I was reminded of the blackouts & the alone drinking.

Cindi: I just read your last post. My husband sometimes goes to meetings w/me. It's kind of awesome in a way. He's coming to understand how important AA is to my life. I wouldn't want tagging along to all meetings. I don't think I would feel the freedom of speech that I feel going alone.

Mary

[Cinders]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Nov. 16 - 22

Mary,

I agree about not wanting hubby at every meeting. I do want him to go to the open ones with me, though. He pushes back and doesn't want to, but when he goes, he is reminded of what I am. An alcoholic.

And then he is reminded that we are not "bad" people, we are just alcoholics. People who cannot drink, want to drink and must deal with it. People from all sorts of places in life. Not just the down trodden or the rich who can get away with it. Just people.

It is good for him to see. To understand we are just people struggling to live right.

I do love my closed meetings, though. The ones where I can speak out and talk about where I am, what I am doing and how I am getting through it. I would not want hubby to hear that. He would worry. I hate having a disease that makes my loved ones worry but am glad I have a "safe zone" to talk about my struggles.

Cindi

[drylifeahead]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Nov. 16 - 22

I do love my closed meetings, though.

Good morning AAer's.

Cinders, I understand a closed meeting means you have to be a member to come in, but other than that, what is the difference between a closed and open meeting? Maybe a closed meeting is what I should try next.

Actually, anyone can answer..

DLA :h:l:h

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Nov. 16 - 22

DLA: From what I understand, closed meetings are only for alcoholics...not necessarily only people who have "joined" that meeting, but alcoholics...no visitors nor non-alcoholics allowed. Open meetings are for anyone: alcoholics, their loved ones, people who might think they are alcoholics but aren't quite sure, people studying alcoholism...possibly a college student. Most of the meetings around here are open, though usually only alcoholics attend. The occasional spouse or girlfriend might show up, but usually it's a "group of drunks." At most meetings here, there is a small book containing listings of where & when the meetings in the area are happening. In the beginning, that little book was my lifeline. Whenever I thought I might drink, I looked in it & found a meeting. We live in the NE which is densely populated. I'm lucky in that there are meetings here every day of the week. I've found my 5 - 6 that I really like. I usually try to make at least 3 - 4 meetings per week now. In the beginning it was an every day meeting. I try not to let more than one day pass between meetings. It's not good for my program.

Please do not hesitate to ask questions (any of you out there who might be wondering). I've said it before & I'll say it again: I love MWO & coming here every day is very important to me. However, I absolutely needed the one-on-one help of working w/a sponsor. I also needed the face-to-face contact w/others struggling w/the same problem. I know for sure that I would have relapsed otherwise.

Take care one & all.

Mary

[cpn1004]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Nov. 16 - 22

Greetings from Denver this week,
Thanks for keeping this wonderful post going. A couple of weeks ago I had one of those "drinking" dreams. I shared it at a meeting and we all had fun with it (lots of heads nodding up and down).
Last night I had a dream where I shared AA with my nephew and spoke about how great sober life is and getting better every day.
How cool is that?
Hopefully I will catch a meeting on the road and update y'all.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Nov. 16 - 22

Phil: Very cool dream. I too have had drinking dreams...they're awful. The best part is waking up & finding out it was only a dream. It calls to mind the many times I woke up after a binge hoping it was only a dream. Unfortunately, it wasn't. Mary

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Nov. 16 - 22

Hi all! Man it felt good to be back at a meeting today. Funny - I realized that I actually missed some of the "regulars" that I saw this morning, and REALLY missed a few "regulars" who were not there today. It's very cool to be making new friends here "in real life."

Cindi, I am totally with you on loving that chance to let the rigorous honesty flow in the closed meetings! That is becoming really important for me. It's good to be able to "vent" but more importantly for me, it's good to admit that I have problems and to talk about them and ask for help sometimes. My nature is to want to put on a "perfect" facade and keep up appearances that are not always real. That conflict is stressful if I let it build - what a great excuse to drink, or lash out in some other way. (i.e. stupid arguments with Mr. D, etc.) It's really good for me to have a "safe zone" to be learning these life skills which I never really learned or used before.

DLA, very good question you asked! The only requirement for "membership" in AA is a desire to stop drinking. Closed meetings are ONLY for those people who have a desire to stop drinking. What I like about the closed meetings is that I know I am only with people who can relate to at least a small degree, and usually to a large degree, with what I am faced with as an alcoholic. Also, at least at the place where I attend most meetings, the closed meetings tend to be smaller groups than the open speaker meetings. So the atmosphere is a little more personal which I like. There is still NEVER an obligation to talk if you don't want to. That's true at any and all meetings I have ever been to. There are lots of different types of closed meetings usually what varies is the discussion topic. "Open topic" means the chair or someone else will pick a topic related to drinking / alcoholism to discuss. Other closed meetings I attend are based on daily readings such as Daily Relfections or 24 Hours a Day or Living Sober or As Bill Sees It. Examples of these daily readings can be found here: Daily Recovery Readings (I like todays Daily Reflections reading about lonliness!) Anyway...as everyone has suggested, it's a good idea to try out a lot of different meetings to see what you like, if anything. Keep those questions coming!

Waving to you in Denver, Phil! Can't wait to hear your stories from road meetings. I hope you are keeping a journal for your book someday! UnDrunk Goes Global or something. :H Interesting dream about your nephew...

Mary, I agree the best part of those dreams is realizing it was only a dream! I haven't had one in awhile thank goodness.

Todays meeting was very interesting to me (open topic) as several relevant points came up in the lead given by the chair person. My favorite was actually something he said that I wrote down in my journal.

"Do / did you adjust your habits to meet your goals, or do/did you adjust your goals to meet your habits?"

Now THAT one really got me thinking. I realized that during my drinking career, I absolutely lowered my bar all the time. Even going way back to the beginning of my drinking career (i.e. college) I started doing that. I did just enough to get by school wise, and made drinking / partying my big priority. I can think through my entire adult life and see how I lowered my goals consistently to accomodate hangovers, parties, alone drinking, etc. I've never been a fully functioning adult. Hmmm..... I was thinking it's time to start raising the bar a bit and really live life to the fullest rather than keep the bar low like I had to for AL.

Every meeting doesn't offer food for thought that seems quite that powerful for me personally. But I sure love when that happens. And I need to keep being there so I don't miss the meetings that end up being the most relevant and thought provoking for me.

Strength and hope to all!

DG

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Nov. 16 - 22

DG: I liked that quote very much, though I had to read it twice to really get it. I realize now that I have a few "24 hours" accumulated (as one of my AA friends puts it...she has 21 years of "24 hours"), I cannot get to my goals if I'm drinking...I just can't. I cannot push through any kind of fear, habit, resistance, etc. if I am drinking...it's hard enough when I'm sober. So, for me, drinking & realizing my goals are antithetical. Mary

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Nov. 16 - 22

retteacher;759374 wrote: DG: I liked that quote very much, though I had to read it twice to really get it. I realize now that I have a few "24 hours" accumulated (as one of my AA friends puts it...she has 21 years of "24 hours"), I cannot get to my goals if I'm drinking...I just can't. I cannot push through any kind of fear, habit, resistance, etc. if I am drinking...it's hard enough when I'm sober. So, for me, drinking & realizing my goals are antithetical. Mary

Me either Mary. So I always just kept reducing the goal. Until there was virtually nothing going on in my life except drinking. I am rebuilding a life from scratch in a way. Deciding what I want my goals to be.

[Chief]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Nov. 16 - 22

Hi All,
Just checking in. I enjoy reading this thread.....so many things we have in common as alcoholics, but we thought we were all alone while in the "deep hole"....

Today is day 2 for me. I've been struggling for months with this, and I had a long AF run before I let my guard down and decided I could have "just a couple" beers. What a joke. There is no such thing as a couple. 0 is easy.....12 is easy....2 is impossible.

I've been reading posts here, reading the BB, studying the Rational Recovery system, etc.


I've reached the point where drinking is more painful than quitting. Something just seemed to click when I woke up sick and hungover yesterday. I've been praying the serenity prayer and yesterday morning it felt like something changed inside me. I admitted to myself I can't go on like this. This is not living. I became the person I hate to be and it's all because of going back to the bottle.

So yesterday I quit drinking and smoking. I will never drink again. Period.

I'll get through the next few days of withdrawl because I can.

Thanks everyone.....just wanted to check in.

Don

[drylifeahead]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Nov. 16 - 22

Good morning Chief

Congratulations on day 2. :goodjob: One day at a time. I see you mentioned BB in your post. I've seen that a lot when it comes to threads involving AA. What does BB mean...what is it?
For me as well, I can't have just one. If I could, I wouldn't be here I imagine. For me, just one isn't worth it, or 2, or 3. If I can't feel a good buzz-what's the point?
Hence my problem

Good luck on your journey!

DLA

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Week of Nov. 16 - 22

Hi again Chief - good to see you check in here too. Can't have enough weapons for the battle with AL, I say.

DLA - BB is just shorthand for Big Book - The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Long before I decided whether or not "AA was for me" I still enjoyed some of the reading. The first Chapter is "Bill's Story" - Bill is one of the 2 founders of AA. That's an interesting read along with Chapter 2 which describes some of the complete insane thinking and decision making that most of us do surrounding alcohol. Then after page 164 are stories - lots of different ones from different people in different walks of life and what their journies to the "bottom" and to sobriety entailed. Some of those are interesting reading to. Here is a link to the BB on line if you or anyone else reading this wants to take a peek: Big Book Online Fourth Edition Bottom line for me was an amazement that nothing has changed when it comes to the disease/affliction/obsession/whatever-term-you-like in all these years. The crazy thinking, the way we try to convince ourselves we can somehow "have one" or "control" things, etc. was all going on back in the 1930's too.

Todays meeting was a really good one. (and not because I chaired it!!! :H:H) There was just a lot of good, honest sharing around the table with high participation from a wide range of folks - newcomers to "old timers." It was based on todays Daily Reflection reading, but we strayed quite a bit off the path which was fine for me. A couple of my take aways for today:

* I don't have to be perfect, and can't/won't be. When I realize I have not lived up to my goals in some way, I just need to be kind to myself and get back on track immediately.

* Each day I get a chance to start fresh and strive to be the kind of person I'm striving to be. (I always need to be reminded of this it seems!)

* I have really grown to like and respect so many of the people I see at this particular group. I realized I MISSED them last week when my meeting attendance was less than usual.

I am grateful to be sober today, and glad to be here with all of you.

Strength and hope,

DG