Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 11 - Oct. 17

[Choochie]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 11 - Oct. 17

Doggy - thanks so much for the book reference. I don't actually practice Buddhism per se but do like to read the philosophy and think it's a very intelligent way of looking at life. It's not a religion - many have tried to make it one but that was never the intention -- I don't know too much but do find it worthwhile reading.

Rebirth - am glad you made the meeting and that it gave you some comfort. I know it's got to be disturbing to feel like you could crater after all your hard work. Guess it's what we're all afraid of -- that it will be a struggle forever and never feel natural. I read a lot of posts here, though, that make it sound like at some point many get to where they really don't wish they could drink, i.e. wouldn't if they could because they like the way they feel so much being AF -- that's what I want!!lease:

Dancelot - our brains have been rewired (literally) from too many years of drinking - I'm sure you guys all know that but I have to remind myself so I'll remember why it's hard to quit! If you haven't seen it, this is a good piece done by HBO on addiction - the videos are worth watching - not "the hijacked brain."

HBO: Addiction: Understanding Addiction: Addiction and the Brain's Pleasure Pathway: Beyond Willpower

[cpn1004]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 11 - Oct. 17

Rebirth, good on you for hanging in there and working the program ( like DG said). It does get better, not necessarily easier, but better.
I'm off to San Jose, CA tomorrow, hopefully I will catch an interesting meeting.
Have a great week.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 11 - Oct. 17

Everyone: Last night during the "burning desire," a woman really poured her heart out about wanting to use. She just cried & said that she didn't know how she could go on. After the meeting, people put themselves out to her. We AA members can help each other, but ultimately, it's up to the individual NOT to take the first drink. The first few months are the most difficult in my experience. And again, around the first anniversary, I've seen a lot of relapsing. That wasn't the case for me, but I have friends who did relapse then. What can I say? It's a one day at a time battle sometimes. I thank God that the obsession has lifted. But, when I do get that fleeting thought, I only have to remember my old life in order to stay sober. Do I want to go back to:
-lying
-covering up
-guilt/shame
-hangovers
-black-outs
-etc.?

Finding a sponsor can be difficult. Sometimes just having those phone numbers of other members is enough for a while.

Take care one & all.

Mary

[catch22]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 11 - Oct. 17

Hi Everyone,
It good to have time on my hands and read the thread...
Well done rebirth as DG said it can be so canning and baffling the illness.
It funny the other day at a meeting and i had to share this last saturday because i have to get honest with myself well at the end of last weeks meeting they said they are looking for someone to takeover and do the services, so this guy said to me you can do it, without thinking i said i have not done a year yet i might have a drink, any excuse for me not to do something that i think i cant do or it could be lazyness on myside. At my home meeting i said the think is in my mind im thinking if i have a drink before that year i wont have to do any of the services so that would mean i would end up drinking and think to myself well i had a drink now and cant stop why not do a week, a week will go past why not do a month before i know.... a whole year has gone pass, all because im lazy and dont put myself forward. Anyway they needed someone to make the tea's at my home meeting so i volunteer i need to be helping out right now it is so important for my sobriety.

I also like to share with you my very first main share i did a few weeks ago, for my sponsor where she does her servicers there.
The first think i notice was that the Light Bulbs in the room looked a lot brighter, i said to my sponsor cant they dim the lights for me, i was so nervous i could not eat all day.
The second thing i notice was there was a scots man sitting in the front row wearing a kilt and had a bald head there always someone there that reminds you of mwo, i think you know who im going to say who i thought it was (Satori) the paranoia thinking started setting in.
I did share how i use to get really paranoid, and still do but not that bad now, and how i was not ready when i went for my first AA meeting but after a couple of year i was ready willingness to go to any lenghts because i knew that a drink is only a arm lenght away from me and how i had that desire within me i wanted it so bad and how i had to balance it out with my family life...
My first meeting ican remembing rushing out to get home and get ready for work and i could not believe i saw th guy that took the AA meeting was there with another lady from AA as well, (who is my sponsor today) i really thought that they follow me home and follow me to work that how paronoid i was and scared.
I talked about my childhood my darkside of my addition my palpitations and how i wake up in the middle of the night hallucinating or going to the toilet and wondering if i get back to my bed safe without worring if i passout because my legs would give way and also how my blackouts got worse it did not matter how little i drunk i was still getting blackouts.
I talked about how AA is working for me how i have to put the work in for it to work im still doing step 4 but it does not say that i cant work all the steps and thats what i do.
There is one thing missing in my life, and i realise what it is and that is meditation the reason why is because im still racing against time and it like i dont have enough time in the day so i need to learn to slow down.

I close my share saying that today i can open my Front Door and see the light for what if really is iam no longer being blinded by the light!
I did feelreally good afterwards but the next day i felt very valnerable and exposed in a weird way. I made sure i talked to my sponsor about this because i was having that sick feeling inside me she reasure me and said this can happen it is normal to feel like this.

Thank you for reading and i do think of you all and pray for everyone on mwo keep safe and l:hve to you all.:l

[catch22]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 11 - Oct. 17

thanks mary for that information i know i have to be careful not to be in denial with my feelings or my emotions and not isolate myself or hide away from things thats when i know am in trouble that i might pick up.

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 11 - Oct. 17

Mary, I love your summary of what you would be going back to if you drank. Everything on that list is true for me too. Another thing I would be going back to is the kind of dark and hopeless depression that led me to want to kill myself. Sometimes I like to put that little fact out of my mind. But it's the most serious consequence I faced of my drinking - wanting to die because I saw no hope of stopping. That was my bottom. I need to remember where I came from and where I could go again. My life is so fabulous today. I may not have every single thing I want, but I want for so little and I absolutely have everything I need. I am grateful.

Phil - travel safely! Please do share about your meetings on the road!

Catch, it's wonderful to *see* you as always! I love your description of your main share. You are growing and pushing yourself into new places and that is such a wonderful thing! I know it's scary sometimes but wow - our lives and worlds are getting bigger instead of shrinking like they did with AL. I too think of you at MWO a lot when I'm at meetings. :H when you mentioned bald and kilt I too thought of Satori. And then you wrote "Satori." I wonder how he is doing. I hope he is propsperous and able to give his wife many handbag vouchers. (remember that??? :H))

Todays meeting was magical. Step coach was there. He misses us and can't make many meetings any more. He has more tumors now. :upset: It was wonderful though because one man who is new to our group shared that his mother is dying of stage 4 cancer. Step coach shared that he has stage 4 cancer and reassured this man that he should just focus on enjoying the time he has left with his mom rather than wallow in guilt and remorse over past things. It was great to see the "program in action" with members sharing their experience, strength and hope to help each other will "life" - not just "not drinking."

I better get a move on. I hope everyone is having a great day. Still no word from j-vo on my end - anyone else hear from her?

DG

[gyco]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 11 - Oct. 17

love it

retteacher;979224 wrote: Hi Everyone:

I was struck by the laughs that we had at last night's meeting. No effort went into someone trying to be funny. We just had a nice time together. I certainly remember the "drinking" good times. I kept drinking & drinking to try & hold on to that light-hearted feeling. I didn't know that it's much easier to maintain when I'm sober.

Sometimes people will remenisce (sp?) about the "good" times they had drinking. I can't even remember when I had a really memorable positive experience while drinking. After the first 2 drinks, I was always chasing that high wo/seeming to do so. I was always on my guard regarding the slurring, staggering, etc. That isn't my idea of fun anymore.

I just feel grateful that I have sobriety today.

Mary

PS: I mentioned to my daughter that I was going on a hike w/some of my AA friends. She told me to be "careful" around them. She pictures all kinds of shady types of people. When I told her I knew teachers, lawyers, priests, nuns, etc. in the fellowship, she seemed skeptical. There are a lot of misconceptions out there. If I thought I could get her to one, I'd take her to a meeting in order to break the stereotype.

hi teach,i read you,and your so inspirational,isnt it a odd thing,reading somthin someone writes and it hits a nerve in your body.or maybe your soul whatever that mt be,:thanks:i sure hope your children or child ,no,your such a special person,i beleive mine do,were both on 2 different journeys,a person will never no what were like,until there like us,lets face it,we dont wish that on ANYONE ? YES KEEP WRITING YOU ARE AN AMSING LADY GYCO:goodjob:

[catch22]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 11 - Oct. 17

Hi Everyone,
Cant believe am back 2days in a row it soo good to read each and everyone post.
DG You make me laugh i bet satori open up a shop selling hand bags.
Mary I think if i was honest the only good time i had was when i first started work, first wage packed, first drink, love evey taste it was like being in a sweet shop and had to try all of them and could not get enough never know i had a problem.
Last night work really pissed me of big time it was something little, i text my sponsor straight after work and she text back saying you should ring someone lol maybe your sponsor, deep breaths. I had to laugh, It taking me a long time to realise , she knows me so well, she said everyone is at there own pace weather we do this fast, slow it does not matter, it the little things i have to be careful those are the things that will trip me up.reading today reflections A Program for living really stoodout for me today the bit when it says worries about things not done yesterday and fear of tomorrow's deadline denied me the calm i needed to be effective each day. I thing this is what i was talking about yesterday but in a different way im on a mission and sometimes in denial with it if that makes sense.
Have to go hope to post on here soon, but i feel guilty because i did promise my husband that i would not post on here no more, the thing is once i get started i cant seem to stop.

Keep safe everyone adn L:hve to u all:l

[rebirth]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 11 - Oct. 17

Hi all,

Mary - I forgot about that phase. "It's the first drink that makes you drunk". It's very true and we have to remind ourselves on a daily basis. I seem to forget sometimes that I have a really bad life destroying addiction!
Catch22 - I always feel very weird and vunerable after sharing in a meeting. I am so use to putting on a certain image of myself that its odd to tell people the real truth.But I find it quite exhilarating at the same time though..

Okay. Got to ask this. WHO is Satori?

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 11 - Oct. 17

Gyco: Many thanks for your kind words. My kids & husband think I'm kind of special, but they take me for granted like most kids/husbands do. That's OK w/me. It keeps me right-sized.

Rebirth: Ah, the first drink. During my many relapse phases, I always rationalized that first drink:
-I'm not so bad.
-I need something to take the edge off.
-I'll just have 1 or 2.
-I deserve this.
-etc.

The first drink ALWAYS led to a binge of unknown proportions. I must remember that. I cannot sugar-coat any of my experiences...ever.

Satori was a member of MWO when I first signed up in 2007. I think something happened on one of the threads or in a chat room that caused him to leave. That has happened to others here at MWO. Just like in real life, squabbling, hurt feelings, etc. can occur here too. That's one of the reasons I stick to this thread & recount my own experiences. I try not to give advice or make judgements.

Mary

[dancelot]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 11 - Oct. 17

catch22;980607 wrote:
There is one thing missing in my life, and i realise what it is and that is meditation the reason why is because im still racing against time and it like i dont have enough time in the day so i need to learn to slow down.

Catch - What I do in this case is do my praying or meditation when I lay down to go to sleep. It helps quiet my mind too - I get way too distracted just doing daytime stuff sometimes, but I find this is a way I can work it in. Good to see you again too! I'm glad you drop in sometimes, even if you can't be here every day.

I too felt that vulnerable feeling sharing - but interestingly, the first time I talked about some really painful stuff, fears, etc, and was truly honest, and found I was accepted (and supported) anyway, it didn't last long. Figuring out I don't have to be 100% self sufficient all the time was a revelation.

Mary - Thanks to AA, I am learning (I hope) to share my experiences more and give advice less (or rather go about it a little differently). I was initially attracted to this thread because of the wonderful sense of calm and respect I found here (besides seeing contented sobriety and a way to get there).

I finally got to a meeting - the hacking cough is gone, but so is my voice. I figured listening is always good. This was at a different group, was mixed men & women, and most had less sobriety time than me. A lot of fairly recent relapses too. Being outnumbered like that was eye opening - when there's that many, it's hard to forget how hard that was - stopping, staying stopped, coming to terms with the fact that my life had to change. Some of these people are younger than me, some a lot older. It's like seeing myself at different points on the timeline - what I was, what I would be in the future if I choose to take a drink. A woman older than me that had 2 days sobriety, after a several month relapse that occurred just before she was to pick up her 60 day chip. She told how she was ashamed and embarrassed to come back to AA and admit it. That hit home. I felt for her. I can imagine how hard that must be. I need to know and believe that could just as easily be me.

[rebirth]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 11 - Oct. 17

dancelot;981443 wrote: Catch - What I do in this case is do my praying or meditation when I lay down to go to sleep. It helps quiet my mind too -doing daytime stuff . .

Ha! Me too! And I thought I was the only one. I practise my deep beathing when I lay down to sleep too. It helps me to stop thinking and calm myself down.

Dancelot - That must have been a very interesting meeting. How thought provoking...When I hear the struggles of newcomers I am so grateful for my sobriety because its a miracle how I stopped. People have asked me how I stopped and I cant really explain. I say that I hit rock bottom but I use to hit rock bottom many times before and still carried on drinking. I dont know...it's still a mystery to me.

Just got to protect it!!

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 11 - Oct. 17

Last night's meeting was on step 9. There was a lot of humility in the room. Clearing up the wreckage of our pasts is not so easy. However, a face-to-face amends is a start. I mentioned that an amends strongly implies change (i.e. an amendment to the constitution changes it). Now that I'm living an honest life (& it's not so easy for this alcoholic), this is the single biggest change I've made since stopping drinking. The honesty is actually bigger than stopping drinking. Lieing, hiding, sneaking around, etc. had permeated all aspects of my life: from who ate the last piece of chocolate to who finished off the wine in the fridge. Thank God I don't have to live like that anymore. It's not easy ALWAYS telling the truth, but it's a lot more freeing.

Mary

[Choochie]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 11 - Oct. 17

Hi everyone - just wanted to pop in here. I'm not in AA but like reading here and have subscribed to the post. Hope that's ok.

I'm 11 days AF and will certainly go to AA if I need to -- or even as a preventative. Still figuring it all out.

Thanks - love reading your posts - Mary, can't we all relate!

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 11 - Oct. 17

Coochie: Good luck on continuing your AF streak. Please feel free to ask questions, make comments, respond to others, etc. For me, AA seems to becoming a way of living. I don't have the obsession for drinking I once had, but I can use "the principles of the program in all my affairs." I like that.