Friday Dec.15

[southernbelle47]

Thank goodness it's Friday!

Just kicking off a new thread.

Plans for the weekend? How to stay sober?

More later........
Nancy:h

[Andy1111]

Friday Dec.15

Friday. TGIF! Good luck to everyone this weekend. I plan on watching some movies, working out a bit, buying Christmas presents and perhaps grabbing a bite out to eat.

[YoungAtHeart]

Friday Dec.15

Thanks for starting things out here, Nancy.

I've been in a bit of a muddle this past week. I had told everyone that I was working on my home office, and I've been making some progress on that.

The hard part is that Maddy and I had a knockdown, dragout fight this past Monday night. She was actually picking on me at about something, trying to provoke a fight. Her thoughts had merit, but I object to her presentation. I tried pretty hard to avoid it, but she eventually wore me down. It escalated into a BIG FIGHT, REALLY MAJOR, on that left all of us, my sister included, relatively sleepless. I awoke Tuedsay to a note on my computer saying that she was staying with a friend for a few days and not to call her, etc. This was so incredibly disturbing to me. I didn't call her. (Her friend's mother reports that she thinks that Maddy was a little freaked out that I didn't try to control her or try to get her to come home, etc., which gave me a wan little smile. Maddy doesn't know that her friend's mother and I were in touch.) Of course, I drank on Tuesday and Wednesday nights.....:sigh: I did a lot of thinking too. A number of people think that I have raised Maddy in too democratic a fashion, and she now thinks that she can get away with anything. I question this myself. On the other hand, I also believe that you can't control everything, and she is 17, and one day she will understand how fine a line you walk when you are trying to be a good mom and finding that delicate balance between setting limits and encouraging freedom and growth.

She came home last night, acting, of course, like nothing had happened. I told her that WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, at a time of her choosing, but it would happen. I can tell that she is not very open about it. We did try to talk some last night, that is, she talked, and when I tried to, she talked over me, interrupted, contradicted, etc.. I ended the conversation after a short amount of that business. I suppose I will have to revert to limit-setting--i.e., if she does this again, she will only get the car on the days that she goes to work, grounded on the weekend or something. Ugh.....:sigh:

The last few days, I have been so in and out of sadness about what happened and rage about her behavior, it has been amazing. I have been so grateful to go to work and hear about other people's problems! A good friend warned me that senior year is hell--boy was she right!

I am still awfully sad. Sad about the fight, sad about drinking. JUST SAD.

Thanks for listening.

Hugs,
Kathy:l

[Accountable for Me]

Friday Dec.15

Storm Did Not Hit Us - Thank God!

Hello all! Another happy day of sobriety!

Today, I am truly thankful, for the grace of God, (or whatever you believe) that the storm of the year did not hit us! I think it is Murphy's Law or something. I hiked into town in a rain storm (car is broken) with my daughter in tow. Get the necessary stuff like candles, water etc... and then we awoke to nothing..... sooo thankful. I was watching the news this morning and man, there are trees on top of people's houses, like carved right through them... in nearby neighbourhoods! Thankfully no one was hurt!

So today, I am just going to count my blessings.......

I wish you all another wonderful day of sobriety! :l

[dilayne]

Friday Dec.15

Hey everybody..ditto on TGIF!
Kathy, I used to have to chase my oldest daugther down the street...man, we had a really tough time with her..from the time she was 13! (Still do and she's 30, but that's another story) BUT..as you well know, 17 is just a very intense age to be. Hang in there, you sound like you know exactly what has to be done..setting boundaries was always excruciatint to me for some reason, but I did it anyway, and I look back and don't regret a single time I had to get firm..and they don't either (any of the 3 kids)..and many a night I cried myself to sleep and the next morning, she would act as if nothing happened..it's the pains of motherhood..

I'm good today. I feel good about pacing my energy and have enjoyed the holiday season so far..I'm getting ready to have the four grandkids over next Friday and Saturday...being the perfectionist that I am, I tend to want to create the perfect memories for them but usually end up feeling fried, drawn and quartered!!! So, I'd like to do Xmas cookies but that's too much to do..the kids are 10, 6, 4, and 2..so I'm making cookies this weekend in advance, when they come next week, I'll let them decorate...walah..I can just play with them instead of turning into a mad woman! Anyway, just really making efforts and seeing the benefits of keeping things simple...I don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water because I've had bad experiences because I've tried to be Miss Perfect mom/grandmother...there HAS to be an easier way...same thing goes with the struggle with alcohol..after trying mods, I had to admit that there was an better way and that was to just give it up...

Becca, you are going through an incredibly important time right now...you're going to be fine..I know it doesn't feel like it, but it's the woman that you are that has brought you to this point of change, because you deserve it and you have so much in front of you..hang in there..we are all with you!

Accountable..so glad you were spared the storm!!!! whew..so scary!

Hi Nancy and Fan..and all to come!

[Newyear]

Friday Dec.15

Wow Kathy.....what a day...or two. Never had teenagers but I remember being one and I know 17 is about the worst. Pushing boundaries, feeling you are all grown up, mad, happy, excited,, mad again..scared.
So much easier to take it all out on mom than on your friends (can't do that...oh, they might get upset)
But since you know your mom will always be there and you know your mom will always love you...well, you can take out your aggressions and fears and irritable self out on her!! Maybe that was just me

Fan is right...And your daughter loves the snot out of you. Book it. I love that Fan!!

Accountable- glad you are ok. I have what amounts to a phobia when it comes to stormy weather. Mostly frightened of tornadoes and hurricanes but anything that causes trees to fall scares me to bits.
Very glad you a safe and sound. And Af on top of all that! - nice job

Andy- sounds like a lovely weekend......which movies? the scary ones?

And Nancy - thanks for starting...and you had a good question. How are we staying sober this weekend?
I have a party tonight but have already said I'm not drinking so I think I'm good there.

I'm getting a nagging feeling that I want to 'just have a drink or two'. Not sure why. I think maybe because I have not really fully committed to AF forever. And yet, I haven't figured out when this AF time period should end either. Does that make sense? I made it to 30 days and then thought, ok I'll do 60 days. I have enjoyed being completely sober - it has been very good. I don't miss hangovers or spending all my money on wine and I don't miss bloodshot eyes and 'not remembering'.
But, now I'm thinking - what does this mean? Does this mean that I never drink again? Have I decided that I am a person who cannot control their drinking and therefore need to stay completely clear of it? I think I most likely will drink again but not sure why. At least I assumed I would drink again.
This is hard to put into words. I feel like I have accomplished a goal - and now what. Do I keep going? Do I start drinking in moderation now? And the really big question- Can I drink in moderation?
Guess this is a question for me to answer. I keep extending my AF days because I don't know what else to do at this point. Anyway....thanks for listening here too
:l :l to all of you -
Lisa

[YoungAtHeart]

Friday Dec.15

Thanks for your support, all of you! I decided to treat myself nicely today and get my nails done. I had that new acrylic procedure done called "pink and whites" (looks like a french manicure). It was nice to treat myself well without it meaning drinking. I still feel very conflicted about my daughter, and yes Fan, I know she loves the snot out of me. I just wish she didn't have to be such a snot TO ME in the process of growing up and becoming her own woman. I was horrible to my mom, but for different reasons. She was so controlling--in this case, I often feel like my daughter is trying to control ME! I actually set very few limits on her, because she is USUALLY pretty respectful of the rules I have set, and she is a pretty solid citizen. Anyway, you all have been great, and I appreciate it.

Nancy, I hope you have a great weekend!

Andy, have a great movie night and a good bite to eat out!

Fan, thanks for popping over and offering your support. I really appreciate it. You always have kind words when someone is feeling down, and you really make a difference!

Hey Accountable, I am glad that you escaped the worst of the storm. We are reading so much about it here on the east coast of the U.S., and it sounds dreadful. I'm glad you are safe and feeling grateful.

Thanks for your words of wisdom, Di-, I know that setting reasonable limits is important, and it is just as hard for me as it is on Maddy. And, yes, I too, have cried alone after doing so. It's encouraging to know that you don't regret it, and your kids don't either at this point in time. I'm also really happy to hear that you are setting limits on your own perfectionism at this time of year so that you don't go nuts during the holidays!:H

Lisa, I know how you feel about ABS or mods. I keep keeping on with ABS, because I haven't been successful with mods in the past, but I wonder too, sometimes. I would want to be at the point where I could really take it or leave it, though, and I'm not sure that I can do that. Moderation Management has a good plan, I think, and if you can do that, it's great. If you can't, then you have your answer about being AF forever. I worked with a terrific addictions counselor once who, when asked about drinking again told people to go ahead and try. If they could truly control their drinking for six months, they likely weren't alcoholics. If they couldn't, they were alcoholics. When I look deep into my heart, I know that I would have to be in a VERY different place than I am now to be able to take it or leave it.

Anyway, that's all for now. Again, thank you all for your kind words!

Hugs,
Kathy:l

PS: Lisa, we will really have to have a "tornado talk" one of these days! I want to go on a storm-chasing vacation someday!

[Guest]

Friday Dec.15

Lisa, you are being so smart! I can completely appreciate the quandry. See, I would only get to 3-4 days, then think (of course, wrongly) that I was ok to have "one or two". I had never worked it all out in my head though. Never really understood the ramifications that having those few would inevitably lead to more, because that was my pattern. Not always, but too often. I commend you on just extending the AF days and on getting this far!! way to go! It would be horrible to start back at square one, wouldn't it? smart, smart, smart you are!

Dianne, you are one of the people who inspires me to do this. I saw you over there in mods. We worked through this together! You laid the framework for others to follow and you sound GREAT and confident and at peace these days. I'd lie if I told ya I wasn't a tad envious of being THERE, but I am SO HAPPY FOR YOU!
Have fun with those grandkids!! How is the new art coming? Did you ever sell the lemons?

Hi everyone else! I'm going to go to chat I think, as hubby is on his way to his first Alanon meeting. greeeeaaat. Trying to stay positive. No feeling sorry for self... push it away, push it away, because the self pity does NOT help.

Love to all,

[vinophile]

Friday Dec.15

Good Friday Eve,
Kathy your post brought me back to a time last year when my son (then a senior) did a very similar thing to what Maddy did. The staying with his friend (who was in college) didn't bother me as much as the things that got said in the process. If he was staying with his friend for the week he had to communicate and let us know he was safe. I felt quite helpless that week and did not sleep for the whole week. I have always emphacized the importance of being able to write effectively to him and it was at that point that I realized that he was one heck of a great writer.Everyday that week he sent me e-mails,beautifully written, detailing all my shortcomings as a parent.......ouch...... We laugh about it now but it was a very tough time. Believe me I understand.
Lisa, you have done such a great job over these past few weeks. As I said before and will repeat again your posts are filled with so much strength now.
Accountable, glad the storms missed you. Some parts of the country have been beaten badly by the weather. Are you out west??
Di,Andy,Fan and ever dependable Nancy, good to see you this evening.
If I missed anyone please have a great Friday.

Janet

[Olly]

Friday Dec.15

Hi everyone,

Thanks Janet, Kathy and Di for sharing your parenting/mother challanges. My daughter, only child, is 9 and although she has always been a great kid, she's growing into her own... own opinion, own thoughts, own decisions. Oh boy. I am really proud of her but I know what's waiting around the corner. Her dad and I have very different parenting styles. He's traditional with very clear boundaries and expectations and expects the child to respond to the parent. I'm more liberal and I prefer to respond to the child. Thanks for your posts.. if and when she goes through the teenage crazy phase it'll be nice to remind myself that I am not to blame. smile.

Becca, your sounding so clear and focused. Hope your visit with the family doc went well and you're back in good spirits.

Andy, hope you're sleeping better and the nightmares are over.

Hi Fan, Nancy, Accountable and everyone else.

Lisa, I hope you know how much I enjoy your posts!! I sooo understand your muddle of feelings about ABS and dealing with that nagging "hm, is this it? can I , should I try a drink?" I'm only day 18 and still committed to ABS for 30, for sure. But, like you, I'm feeling just so darned good right now... that I'm wondering why in the heck I'm even wondering about whether I'll drink again!! So, I just view these thoughts as disguised "cravings" and try to get my brain onto something else without pondering the question for too long. I know, it is hard to put into words.

I just had a doc appt yesterday... getting my hormones tested. I have a non-aggressive pituitarty tumor that has affected my cycle and hence my other hormones. No biggie really. But, the doc is perscribing DHEA (medicinal quality, not over the counter! He warned me about the poor quality of OTC) Anyway, I came home and did a bunch of research of the net about my situation (low testosterone and othe androgens) Anyway, in the process I read alot of references to alcohol... damaging our endocrine system, etc. So... just when I'm wondering if I'll drink again, "the universe" is trying to remind me and ask "WHY? Why do I even want to drink?" As if I'll really ever be happy with just one glass of wine....


take care all,
Olly

[Popeye]

Friday Dec.15

Hello everyone

Kathy,
thanks for your post.
I have two children. My eldest is 23 now and has recently given birth to our first grandchild.
Her story is a long and complicated one which I will now try to relate.
She was born with an eyesight problem and is classed as visually impaired. She also has a noticable 'squint'. Despite this she was an absolute joy to see growing up...utterly loving and caring towards us and her younger brother. While she was small we had a lot of helpfrom the social services regarding which school she should attend, and it was decided that she would go to a mainstream school, and get as much help with her visual problems as possible. Primary school was great; she was with kids that new her and were growing up with her, and the teachers were brilliant. When she went to high school though, there were certain children who strsted teasing her about her eyes. As time went on the teasing became worse and escalated to physcal abuse. We were not aware of the extent of her bullying porblem until she came home one day, aged about 12, in floods of tears, and told us. We went to the school and they did all they could...some children were expelled for their continual abuse..... but because she couldn't see who was pushing her down stairs; punching her etc. there was always a sneaky, cowardly element that carried on this assault. Despite all this, she did very well academically. The day of her 16th birthday however, things took a dramatic turn for the worst. She had been looking at that date as her own 'independance day' for a while, and she had decided that she would do what ever she pleased....I know all this because we have talked it through since. She came home and told us that she had had sex with a guy and that it was great and that we should keeep out of her business. As I have said, she was a gifted student and was offered a place at four universities, but for whatever reason she decided not to that...possibly because that was what we wanted for her...instead she left home and made herself as independant as she could. We were always aware of what she was doing and where she was, so if she needed help with bills etc. wew were on hand. Then one day, while we were visiting my mother, who was dying of lung cancer,( a tale for another day) about 400 miles away,we got a phone call telling us that she had taken an overdose. She nearly died and I felt so useless....I couldn't do anything to make her feel better about herself. For a year or so she was in and out of despair, another suicide attempt, and all this time she would not let us into her life. We were always there for her if she needed us, but she wouldn't let us in.....I'm feeling a bit teary now, thinking about it.....anyway, to cut a very long story to just a long story, she met a guy who she fell in love with and she moved with him. He seems to be what she was looking for, and, as I said they have given us a beautiful grand-daughter. She seems happy now, which is all that I can hope for.
My son (20 now) was also a very loving child, but as is the way, of things, he came to resent me.... maybe through my drink habit, I really don't know. He came home drunk one night and started a fight with me. A proper man v man stand-up fight. I think he was getting something out of his system. You know the way it is with boys, finding your place in the pecking order and all that bollocks. That was last year and I think now, we are all happy with each other.
I have never spoken about this to anyone apart from my wife and children.
Thanks for listening.

[YoungAtHeart]

Friday Dec.15

Dear Paul and everyone,

Thanks for sharing your stories. Paul, your story in particular brought tears to my eyes. How you must have suffered with your daughter! I'm so glad that she found happiness after her suffering. What a scene that must have been with your son, as well. I'm glad that your family has come back together again! It gives me a lot of hope! I am especially touched that you have chosen to share the story with us, as it is clearly very private. Thank you very much.

Becca, don't worry too much about AlAnon. A close friend of mine goes to AlAnon, and she finds it very helpful. The main point of the meetings is to try to help the partner/loved one buy out of the control issues that arise in the circle of alcohol abuse.

Janet, isn't it great how we get such a detailed accounting of all our our faults, whether it is verbal or written? (I might prefer the e-mails, since I usually get mine screamed at the top of her lungs.)Heaven forbid that the poor dears have to live with such imperfect beings such as oursevles!:H One of my daughter's minor gripes is that she doesn't have cable TV in her room. I've wanted to get it for her, but she has more disposable income than I do!! Another is that I haven't fixed the wireless remote on her computer because it works intermittently. If she got up off her bum and helped a bit around the house, I might have time to replace the remote with the new one I bought about a month ago!! Oy vey!

Olly, enjoy your girl! I'm STILL proud of my girl, even though I want to throttle her periodically. The upside of the teenage years is their exuberance and mad love of life and new experiences. When they're not mad at you, they are so much fun, and seeing the world through their eyes is really a treat!

Good luck with your pituitary tumor, by the way. Are you going to need surgery, or are you getting treated with medication, or both?

Anyway, even though it's Saturday, I wanted to respond to these posts.

Hugs,
Kathy:l

[capto]

Friday Dec.15

Teenagers

Kathy and Paul,

Uggh, I remember. Our perfectly (?) normal(?) only daughter left a note and left town at the beginning of her Senior Year in High School. There really had been no warning signs folks--this was long before drinking became an issue for me--, she was an average student, though in a challenging academic environment; she excelled in practically everything that she tried; we had raised her to be independent with a reasonable balance of trust and expectations. Fortunately, we were able to support her decision, and though traumatic at the time, ?things worked out.? I tell you, though, we were just plumb lucky. Damn lucky. In the end, I?m not sure we acknowledge enough the randomness of it all when it comes to teenagers. Also, at the end of the day, can?t you really say in the affirmative, ?I did the best I could with what I had.??

Cap

[lushy]

Friday Dec.15

Paul, I just wanted to say your story really touched me, and it sounds like you are forming a new and different kind of relationship with your children. I wish you and them the best.

[betty boop]

Friday Dec.15

Paul

I wish you would post in mods as well so that I can keep up..................

My heart goes out to you....................

My daughter has epilepsy, she has had brain surgery recently to remove the area causing the seizures, but although they are not as frequent she is still having them.

She is still in primary school so like your daughter the kids are brill, but i'm not looking forward to her moving on..........

Take care Paul, lots of love & hugs, Paula :l :h :l :h