January Generosity - week 1

[Kaslo]

January Generosity - week 1

Oh, also forgot to say Happy New year to LBH. Quite the NY evening soiree you had there. You have reminded me of an experience i had I once. I was on a train returning, broken hearted from Ottawa to University of Victoria. We were a small crowd, and we were serenaded by an opera singer who was also on the midnight train back from Ottawa to Vancouver. This was many years ago, she had sung the Messiah the night before at the Ottawa Civic Centre opera house, and at my request, she reprised My Redeemer Liveth in the snow covered section between Ottawa along the great lakes there. In the observation deck looking out over the lake in the moon light. I will never forget it.
k

[ladybirdheart]

January Generosity - week 1

Kas, what a sad time for you. When I think back on it, it has been a rare pet in my care that has quietly passed in his or her sleep, almost always we are there together at the vet and I am making that decision that almost always feels ambiguous, lousy, selfish, incomplete. It takes a lot of courage to have a pet. I think I gave up letting them go and now take them with me. I feel bonded still to my dog whom I put down a couple of years ago, I "see" him in my truck, he is still my friend and we are both happy about it, a green parrot or two still peak out at me when I least expect it. There is probably medication for this but I am not going to take it. You rest easy with your sweet spirit cat, she would not have traded a thing for her time with you. Your daughter sounds complicated and I know you must suffer thinking about her children, it again takes a lot of courage to love just about anything or anyone, so many things can and do go terribly wrong. Lets keep at it anyway, the alternative would be the true nightmare. Thank you so much for your memory of the train and My Redeemer Liveth, that is what I look around for. And find. At least eventually:l. Love, Ladybird.

[Catbuddy]

January Generosity - week 1

Hi all,

Wow, it amazes me how much we all deal with in turn. Kaslo, I'm so touched and saddened by your story; it helps keep my current issues in perspective. You deserve better, and I hope she learns to appreciate you. I hope this is a thread where we can all be up or down in whatever measure.

LBH, how wonderful. Live music at your dinner party and dancing - three of my favorite things. I'm hoping to have more of that in the future, and working on it.

I'm on my own, five years now. My son is nine now, and a wonderful boy. My ex is severely disabled from a brain hemorraghe. I'm financially responsible for him, and take care of most of our son's needs. I'm pretty strong, but I'm lonely. I'd like to have someone to love in my life, to host dinners, to go to the theater, to make love, all the things a good couple can share. I'm successful and attractive. But my time is limited, and new men can be scarce.

I'm building my emotional muscles, too. I had a second date this week (today); I don't think it will go much further. I do my best not to get excited too fast; and I'm not that vulnerable at this point; I feel good about myself. But disappointment and loneliness, that's another story. You know, my ex's brain damage occurred when we were engaged, and I nursed him through coma, rehab, etc and married him in his wheelchair, when he couldn't say "I do" but could only say "yes." He never regained the power of speech, or use of his right side, or his memory, or his emotional stability, or....it's a long list. I married him out of love, not obligation.

That was 14 years ago. I've never experienced a normal marriage. I just wish I had a partner. So the disappointment is pretty deep on this part of my life in general. I gave up dating all last year. I'm starting again slowly. Please, no lectures, just listen. I'm not going to drink if I'm unlucky in love. But I may be sad. And I don't think that part will be any different a year from now that it is today.

Ugh.

Cat

[Lavande]

January Generosity - week 1

Wow Cat, you do belong on this thread of (mostly) women with incredible life stories.......
So glad you found us, please stick around & talk all you like. I think we do somehow magically infuse each other with strength....or at least non-judgmental support
What does your son like to do at the awesome age of nine? Boy do I ever remember those days! My son was not sports minded but did get very involved with scouting - made it to Eagle. My daughter just drove me crazy when she was nine - seems like a lifetime ago.

Kas, would it make any difference if you told her father exactly how bizarre her behavior has become recently? Ask him to at least check on the kids?

I think the best thing for all of us is to remain in the present & not let guilt, remorse or any of the other BS that plagues human beings get in the way. Worrying too much about the future is another thing we need to avoid to maintain our sanity. Am I right??

I'm on diaper duty tomorrow morning so i'll wish everyone a good night
Lav

[Kaslo]

January Generosity - week 1

Wow, Cat. You are SO brave. What a priveledge it is to have you here. I could not do what you have done in a million years. You are a real heroin. A true Valkerie. Please keep trying hard to do what is best for your health as long as you can stick it out w/o Al, and we will all do what ever it takes to help you.

Kas

[Kaslo]

January Generosity - week 1

Lav, my ex is firmly stuck in the sand upside down, but I did talk to his wife, whom I quite like. But she has also drunk the coolaid, and thinks my DD is just responding to triggers, which are fatique and hunger. This is a 28 year old mother of two who threw herself out of a moving vehicle onto the street in downtown last fall here, in a screaming rage, so she can be seriously irrational. I've tried. He is a doc, and he takes on that I know I know tone in his voice, but you know how some docs can be. Thanks.

k

[Catbuddy]

January Generosity - week 1

Hi Lav and Kaslo,

Thank you for the kind responses. My situation with my ex and raising our son is a dominant issue in my daily life, and my loneliness for a partner quite acute. Kaslo, I am brave and strong, brave enough to take on a crazy challenge out of love, and a belief that I could give up whatever dreams I had to save him. I didn't make it. I live in the aftermath. There is incredible goodness here; my ex is alive and functional beyond all odds, and we have an amazing boy. But the cost is, in part, me finding another partner. That makes me REALLY sad. But no booze, no way, no how. That would be the ultimate waste of my life.

Now I want to cry. You know, I haven't really cried over this. Cantoo wrote on the other thread that past hurts should not hold us. This one still does. I think I will always be sad over the lost life we might have had - his injury happened six weeks after we got engaged, three days after he moved into our new home. I know people heal from this loss of dreams; I just don't know how.

And I really need some advice on how to crochet, dammit. :l

Cat

[Guitarista]

January Generosity - week 1

Hi y'all,

Big hugs to Kas and Cat. :l:l

It's always a tough call with our pets in these situations Kas. But you have beautiful memories that will never die. I believe i'll meet my old pooch again one day.

LBH, what a grand NYE you 3 had. Priceless. Thanks for sharing, i loved hearing that story.

Lav, you're correct. You ladies don't scare me off. I always feel very welcome, as i'm sure other blokes who visit do too.

Happy humping you wild child's!

[Lavande]

January Generosity - week 1

Good morning friends!
I'm off to go sit with the grandboys in a few minutes.

Cat, I don't crochet, can't help you with that. I think maybe Dill does though.
I also live in the land of lost dreams. I've spent my life with an emotionally absent man making the best out of a shitty situation. He's so self-absorbed he bolted out after 37 years together without a moment's notice. I've dubbed him YB (yard boy) because I insisted he show up here to cut grass & handle some of the other dirty man jobs He is definitely a weirdo but I will never return to numbing my emtional pain in a bottle of wine again.

Kas, I'm thinking about you this morning & sending a big hug your way:l

I need to go for now, will check back in later'Wishing everyone a wonderful AF Thursday!
Glad you're here G

Lav

[dill]

January Generosity - week 1

Papmom, I can so relate to the happiness and freedom you feel from making your announcement and having your new reality becoming part of the fabric of your current world. It makes everything so much more real! I have begun telling people I work with that I will be leaving at year’s end. It’s not just a thought or a dream anymore and it is being woven into my reality.

TDN, I’m a speech therapist in the public schools. It’s been a wonderful career. But government bureaucrats have made it miserable, adding layer after layer of paperwork. You are right. More and more is demanded of teachers both by state and federal mandates and because of the unraveling of our society. Many of the children come to school so ill-prepared socially and preacademically because they come from one parent homes or from homes where both parents have to work or homes that are battered by the ills of today, drug/al abuse. I never recommend teaching as a career anymore, sad to say.

Kas, I think it was a mercy and completely the right thing to put your dear old cat down. Her circumstances were quite grim and cats are such visual animals! To be an old cat and have to learn to live without sight would have been horrible IMO. I’m truly sorry for your loss and I completely understand your mixed feelings, having been through that myself with a few dear pets. I always angst after they are gone that I could have done something more. But death is part of life and I’m sure you did the right thing. As for your daughter, her irrational behavior, and your Christmas, I am sorry for what your family is going thru, especially your grandkids. I have a similar situation here with my DIL. She has been thru rehab and we are all holding our breath now. I’ll pray for you.

Catb, your loss is as deep as your love. You are an amazing woman. I recommend grief counseling, but perhaps you have already tried it? You are dealing with a tragic loss but you should not let it keep you from living your life to its fullest, for yourself and your son. Easier said than done, I know. You’re in my prayers.

LBH, I was so happy you posted. I have missed you on the thread lately.:l

I think the best thing for all of us is to remain in the present & not let guilt, remorse or any of the other BS that plagues human beings get in the way. Worrying too much about the future is another thing we need to avoid to maintain our sanity. Am I right??

Quite right, Lav. I couldn’t agree more.

G, you are always welcome here. I have read so many of your posts and have learned a lot from you. Believe it or not, you have been a source of inspiration to me, especially during my times of failure. I wanted you to know that.

Cyn's posts all end with: "To the light." It is somewhat of a mantra to me after all this time. Let's all choose the light.

[ThreeDogNight]

January Generosity - week 1

Good morning, all.

I was so tired last night that I didn't see posts after 8:00 pm or so until this a.m. And I got up late--for me, anyway--at 6:45. Have read the posts here and also on Daily ABS thread. Wow!

Kas, I feel your pain re: the old cat. Believe me, you di the right thing!! Who knows the outcome of the surgery--or if the poor kitty would have even made it through. And trying to adjust to life as a blind cat--no, s/he is now at peace and has crossed the Rainbow Bridge. I think it's always so hard to have to make the decision. As you know, we--or should I say I--had to do that before Thanksgiving, and it was hard, alright. But I knew it was the right thing to do. And we had done everything possible, at great expense, but it wasn't fiar to let the poor boy suffer. We know that we are going to have to make the decision again soon for the old guy, and I dread it, but know that it has to be done.

About your daughter. I'm sure the pot addiction is fueling the fire here. And working in a restaurant/bar just makes it easier to get her hands on pot, AL--anything, really. Trust me, I worked in restaurants throughout my teaching career, as it as a great second job and a great way to make money. But so many restaurant employees are alcoholics or addicts of one kind or another--or on their way to becoming addicts. I never drank until I got a job in a restaurant/bar many years ago. I can't give any advice about kids, as we never had them, but I feel terrible for you after all you did to get there for the holidays. And not seeing the grand kids has to hurt so much. That ex and his wife just don't want to see what is really going on. I am glad that you came here to talk about this. This is such a caring group, and I do feel that I can be totally honest with everyone. :l for you for now.

Cat--I am blown away by that story! I don't think I know anyone who has been through anything like that. I don't even know what to say. Your son is a very lucky little boy, and even more so now that you are AF. And the ex--he's more than lucky. Some man is going to find you and he, too, will be lucky!! And you will find that happiness you so deserve!!

I need to go and get showered and dressed and finish the project I fell asleep working on last night, but will be back in a bit.

TDN

It is 1 degree here:upset: Supposed to stay freezing cold through tomorrow! Pap, think you have just about the same there, according to the weather report!

[Hippyman]

January Generosity - week 1

Morning all you ABers. Another wonderful day ahead in paradise. The world does seem like paradise in comparison the the drunken madness I used to live in!

[Catbuddy]

January Generosity - week 1

Good morning, abbers.

Dill, I have never gone to grief counseling. What a solid idea! I would like to be helped/guided through the process. When I get back from my ski trip, I'm going to look into it.

Thank you for being my grief support group!

Lav, I'm sorry you had such an emotionally distant husband. How crappy. I know you embrace the positive, and i meant it sincerely that I want to walk that road.

G and Hippy, good to have you men visit. Hope you are both well, and Hippy, congrats again on 100 days!

:goodjob:

Well, I'm off to pack for Tahoe. I am being kind to myself (resolution #2) in not rushing to pack & get up there.

:l Cat

[ladybirdheart]

January Generosity - week 1

You hold strong, Miss Kitty, we never know where these hard paths will take us. A number of people on this thread have experienced complicated grief and all that it serves up. I spontaneously bought a painting a couple of years ago at a show opening, a surreal piece but done with painstaking care and control. I clearly was not the only person taken with it as it ended up on the front page of the "art section" the following week and again at the end of the year. It depicts a woman in a winter coat and a hat standing on the shore with a huge beautiful shell on her back, it looks like folded wings. In the distance is a far more shadowy rowboat with a shadowy figure rowing away awkwardly, more in the clouds than the sea. In the upper right corner of the sky is a clevis as sharp as a photo, a basic "connector" found on all sorts of thing--some are huge--and this one is half as big as the woman. While it probably sounds like the symbolism is being shoved screaming down one's throat, there is something really off kilter and confusing at the same time that makes it work. It is called "The Long Goodbye". I think you would like it. People in my daily life tend to see me as an upbeat and congenial person, I make a beautiful home and garden, I was successful and well liked in my career, I make a conscious decision to discover or create something good in unlikely places, but everybody here on this thread knows the rest of the story; 98% of the music that I love, that is on every playlist, is sad, the happy songs are even more sad:H. If I don't keep figuring out how to integrate the part of me that does not manage strong emotion of any kind, I am going to keep going back to taking a drink when I get into a certain frame of mind or heart, thats why it is good for me to talk about our dead cats, brain injured lovers, loneliness, and lost forever dreams. I am sure that living well in spite of them is worth it, or at least I shall insist as is my habit. Love Ladybird. PS Pappy, you have been the happiest sick person I have seen in a long time?I am thrilled for you. Love, Ladybird.

[Guitarista]

January Generosity - week 1

Greetings everyone,

Well, does it get any better than this thread and the people on it? I've really enjoyed/connected strongly with these last few posts. You folk's are all amazing. I learn something everytime i stop by.

Just on the tail end of a fever thing, so not much to contribute at the mo, except to say wow! and thankyou.

:goodjob: Hippyman! Keep it going friend.

(Thanks Dill, i always enjoy your posts )

L8tr, Yo! :h

P.S. I don't believe for a second Lav can't crochet. That woman can do anything!