Know November - week 4

[dill]

I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk.
Craig Ferguson

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kJ-kW0bgPHY

It's already the last week in November!


The link above is to a youtube of Craig Ferguson, late night talk show host, telling his story about how he got sober.

[Rusty]

Know November - week 4

Dill-thank you for moving us over to a new week. Yes, I can't believe where this year has gone!! We are in the last week of November and it's as if 2013 started just weeks ago.
Thank you for the quote and the YT link to Craig Ferguson. I watch his program every now and then. You hit the nail on the head in your last Week 3 post about how crazy it is to think that we don't have an AL problem just we think we are fooling people (but usually people can see through it). I also wanted to mention even though I was "high functioning,"
I have paid a huge price for my deception. I am just now seeing that I was really not very effective in my work many times, and I am catching mistakes that I made 4 years ago that never should have been made, and it's cost a few of my former clients some headaches and I feel really badly about that. My mother was going through cancer treatments at that time, and I used her as an excuse. What a despicable person I had come....I turned into someone I didn't even know. All I can do is move forward because if I were to dwell on my past mistakes and habits, it would eat me alive.

Thanks again for starting us off. Hope you have a lovely day.:h

[Stargazerlily]

Know November - week 4

Good morning to all...

Hey Dill, thanks for the new thread and the link to you tube. As soon as I post I will click on it.

Rusty, my Dad does not know about my issues, he is not a warm and fuzzy guy. It is all about him, 24/7. He has always been like that. My brother went to ND and my parents just always loved ND. So, the ND theme for gifts. However, he was telling me about someone in Florida who is drinking again and fell down, an older gentlemen. He offered to take the guy to AA, but he does not want to quit drinking. Period. Interesting, huh? I told him I appreciated his sobriety since I was twelve, and he did not respond much. I just wanted him to know, you know? The game is on here at 3:30, per my husband, so we will be watching the game later today. So glad you are feeling well and can share you day with your family.

We have a chance of snow today, so I am kind of looking forward to it. I can stay home and enjoy.

Lav, sunni, DTD, Narily, and all, have a good Saturday.

[Lavande]

Know November - week 4

Good Saturday morning friends

Yep, the sun is here today :yay:
But it is cold, near freezing.

Dill, I've seen that Craig Ferguson video before
I know I delayed going AF for a long time for a few reasons.
My depression was in control - I had to find an effective way to get that under control. I really just did not give a damn about anything or anyone else. My main purpose was numbing my emotional pain. Unbelievably, another reason I delayed quitting was that I knew my actions would not cause YB to change his behavior & I was clueless as to how I would deal with him. I leaned on my friend AL to help support me when I felt I couldn't stand up alone. Sad now to think about that

All I know now is that I am just so damn grateful to be alive & well. My life partner has emotional problems that he's working on & I'm grateful for that as well.

I have a busy day ahead including chicken house chores. Someone has to clean up the mess the old girls left behind & I guess that's me :H

Wishing everyone a wonderful AF Saturday!
Lav

[Rusty]

Know November - week 4

Star-thank you for sharing the story of your dad. Ah, I think our dads were brothers. His needs and wants ALWAYS came first. My dad was not a warm and fuzzy guy either. He was raised that way....but he softened in the later years of his life. I am so sorry that when you said you appreciated his sobriety, that he didn't know what to say. I am glad you said it. You said the game is on at 3:30 PM? That must be Eastern time. Regarding the elderly gentleman who is drinking now after some sobriety... I suppose he figures, what the heck, I'm old, why can't I drink? interesting that you should mention that story. My mom's next-door neighbor is an alcoholic, in her mid-70s, and she is in the hospital now with a broken hip due to an AL-induced fall. This is the FOURTH time she has been hospitalized in a year due to alcoholic injuries, and she does not want to quit drinking. She refuses to go to treatment, AA, etc. My mother befriended her when my mom first moved to her condo, but now, as good as my mother is to her, she has distanced herself because her neighbor has become such an emotional burden. Sad, isn't it? She simply does not get it. I am glad we all do. :-). Hope you have a relaxing day!


Off to the gym. Big hellos to everyone else!

[Rusty]

Know November - week 4

Ooops, sorry Lav, cross-post! You amaze me with your strength and how you have freed yourself of AL and co-dependency. Plus, you have managed to set boundaries (emotional and physical) for boundaries and I think he respects you for that, and understands why you do it. Reminds me....I need to get that Melanie Beatty book. I am grateful to be AF, too. Who woulda thunk it 5 years ago.

Ok, this is my LAST good-bye of the morning.:H

See you all later.:h

[DreamThinkDo]

Know November - week 4

Morning all

Star, what an strange reaction from your dad. You know, the one thing I'd love to tell my dad is that I no longer drink, but I think I should wait a bit longer. He stopped when I was 10 or so, but we've rarely discussed his drinking and not-drinking.

Rusty, the longer I'm sober the more I realised how much I deceived myself about a lot of things, not just the booze. Sobering realisation, that.

I've just re-read Animal Dreams by Barbara Kingsolver. Towards the end there's a line that really spoke to me: "It's what you do that makes your soul, not the other way around." The fact that we have choice/self-determination, and that we must take responsibility for the good and the bad, instead of blaming our circumstances on outside factors. Yes, I absolutely realise that events beyond our control have an impact on our lives, but our reactions to them come from ourselves.

Have a wonderful Sunday when you get to it!

[Stargazerlily]

Know November - week 4

Good morning to all on this SNOWY day...

Yes, we have about three inches, with more on the way. YIKES! I put up my tree yesterday, no ornaments, just the lights and it is so warm and colorful. I needed it with this wintry weather. Fireplace going and lots of warm clothes. Just had a rough day yesterday.

Rusty, yes my Dad is a character, yours was too, huh? Like your father mine has softened with age and the death of my mother, but is still a curmudgeon. (I love that word). His sobriety is the greatest gift he has ever given our family. I realize this more as I get older. To hear of older people getting drunk, making fools of themselves, getting hurt physically is horrifying. A friend of mine has a parent addicted to pain pills, who OD'd a few weeks ago, ending up in the ER. Same thing to me, booze, pills. DRUGS. We all want the same thing on this site, clarity, sobriety, honor, clear thinking, integrity. All those things alcohol takes away from us. ND played a good game and won, so the afternoon was satisfying. Hope you enjoyed the game.

Lav, lots of suffering for you before you made up your mind to change your life. It has taken time, but YB is in the process of change too, from what you post, and it is because you changed. We know that we can't change others, but by changing our ways, they have to change.

DTD, hope you get to the point where you can talk to your Dad about your new life...is he an open person or more closed off? I am just glad to have you post and move forward on your journey.

Today, church, Bears, maybe yoga. I have a short week, thank goodness. I need a little R&R.

[dill]

Know November - week 4

Good morning All,

Thinking about my dad because of all your posts. My dad was a serious drinker and alcohol dependendent, not physically but psychologicallly. He had his cocktail every day that may have been more than one, I wasn't paying attention. I was just a kid. When my parents partied, Dad always drank too much. You didn't have to be paying attention to see that! Mom didn't drive, so there was that. But it was a generational thing. That behavior was just what their generation did, ya' know? After he retired I think he drank quite a bit in the evenings at home. They moved to Florida so I wasn't around them much. Parties were a thing of the past at that point. I doubt my dad would even have thought himself as having a problem with al, but he did I think. He used it to isolate. As far as being "warm and fuzzy", well again, that generation had behavioral expectations that didn't include emotional expression for men. But my dad was definitely a loving, caring father. Just never said "I love you." until once very late in life. It wasn't comfortable to him. I do believe I am very much my father's child. I used al to isolate towards the end, too.

DTD, I have read a couple of Kingsolver's books, but not Animal Dreams. I enjoy her writing very much. That quote you repeated is very profound. We do have choice and our choices do shape our souls. Good choices are good for our souls and bad choices damage our souls. Repeated choices determine our destiny. I think that is the concept of Karma, yes? What I always wonder is where our choices come from. They come from the same soul that they end up shaping, don't they?


You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV 4.5

Rusty, I just finished Lance Dode's, Breaking Addiction. It was very thought provoking and I enjoyed reading his case studies. At first I balked at his premise that addiction stems from and internal feeling of helplessness, but after awhile I came to understand his point. However, I don't think that feeling of helplessness necessarily arises from some childhood trauma or experience. I had a great childhood. My drinking as an adult is entirely my doing. But it did help me see my behavior in a new light.

Lav, I totally understand why you would delay quitting because you didn't know how you were going to deal with the reality of YB's behavior. It is difficult when you're in a situation that directly affects you and yet you have no control over things (especially someone else's behavior). It took great fortitude on your part to choose to deal with things with clarity and stop numbing yourself. Your life is SO much better now I imagine.

Star, I'm sure it meant a lot to your dad to hear your heartfelt expression of appreciation, even if he didn't show it much. It was a sweet gift from his daughter, for sure.:h

My son is doing well with his treatment and is making good progress. He has "moved up a level" so is granted the priviledge of a weekend visit home. He will be here for 4 blessed hours. I will work to make myself as scarce as I can so that he has optimum time with his kids. Mr. D will too. Thanks for asking Rusty. This has truly been one of the hardest times of our lives. The uncertainty of the outcome is always, always weighing on our minds and hearts. Prayers are appreciated.:h

Off I go for now to prepare for the visit.

[Lavande]

Know November - week 4

Good morning kids on this very chilly Sunday
I'm hearing weather reports of rain ~ not snow on the way for Tuesday so I guess it's going to warm up a bit. Who knows?

Dill, great news about your son, he's making real progress!
I'm sure he is grateful for all the help he has received, especially from his parents

My life IS much better without addiction Dill. It's not perfect, it is what it is & that's OK.
I'm learning that we can make our reality 'easier' to deal with by acceptance. We're probably all a little guilty of being dreamers. I spent my formative years hiding from a hateful father & dreaming about a life without all that damn drama. Boy, was I ever disappointed to find that the drama just went on & on & on
That's what my drinking was all about, sad & pathetic but true. That's why I am so seriously determined to never let anyone/anything rule my thoughts & decisions ever again.

Star, the 3 inches of snow you're getting is supposed to be 3 inches of rain by the time it gets here on Tuesday. I think I am grateful for that! Enjoy your tree!

DTD, I think at this point I am about ready to write my own book on sobering realizations :H
Tell us more about your garden adventures while the rest of us are freezing half to death!

Rusty, another book that helped me out a lot was 'Let Go Now: Embracing Detachment' by Karen Casey. I really, really needed help in that department

Well, I need to get myself moving. Wishing everyone a wonderful AF Sunday!

Lav

[Lavande]

Know November - week 4

Look at what I found

https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=629361947121655&id=180733 298651191&substory_index=0

[Stargazerlily]

Know November - week 4

I woke up to some really thought provoking posts. Thanks all.

Dill, Happy to hear your son is moving forward. I can imagine this is such a hard time for you and your husband, sending you prayers and light. I think we make choices and over time, they become who we are. At our ages, it can have some serious consequences, but the beauty of it is that we can always change...we are all choosing to make changes, move towards the light. Hope your visit went well with your son. Let us know. Interesting views on 50s early 60s dads and drinking. It was just something they did unless they were mean or got out of control. My dad never did in a mean way. I was lucky. My good friend's dad still drinks, it is not a pretty site in your 70s, believe me. We are all on the right path.


Lav, thanks for the link, liked philosophical bear. We are due for more snow, I have been cozy by the fire and really tired as my body gets used to the new season. My tree looks so great, I needed the light and colors. I realize it is early, but being gone later in the week, it will be so nice to come home to. Hope you had a great weekend.

Rusty, hope your weekend was restful, are you traveling a lot this week, too?

Hello to DTD, narily, cyn, and all posters. Have a good Monday.

[Lavande]

Know November - week 4

Good morning friends

My outside thermometer read 16 degrees when I got up this morning - man, that's cold for these parts!!!
Somehow it's going to warm up enough to rain tomorrow instead of snow. I'm not feeling real confident about that prediction at the moment :H

Greetings Star!
Philosophical Bear is just one of the blogs I follow on Facebook. They help me keep my thoughts in the positive zone

Greetings to Dill, Rusty, Cyn, DTD & everyone!
Yesterday was papmom's birthday. Today is my son's birthday & Thursday is EB's birthday - he's turning 5!

Have a great AF Monday everyone!

Lav

[DreamThinkDo]

Know November - week 4

Hallo everybody

Our electricity came back on a short while ago - it was off for almost 24 hours! Thank heavens I have a gas stove, so I could at least boil water for my morning coffee - it's the only thing that gets ny brain into gear in the morning.

Star, my dad is a wonderful person - I'm blessed with my entire family - but although I know in my heart of hearts I will NEVER drink again, I feel it's still too early to tell people about it.

Dill, I want to read your para about choices and the soul again and again before I comment - there's a lot in there, isn't it? Wonderful news about your son! I agree with the feeling of helplessness not necessarily coming from childhood. Not everything can be blamed on childhood.

Lav, yes, the drama continues with a different cast and different dialogue, but I feel much more the director now, rather than a stand-in for the stone the donkey hits his leg against. Happy birthdays!

I feel embarrassed to give a weather report - but it's hot and sunny here, with just enough of a breeze to cool things down. My sweetpeas and Flanders poppies are nearing their end, but the agapanthus will soon be in full bloom.

Have a good Monday, all! (And now that I have hot water again, I have no excuse for not doing the dishes.)

[dill]

Know November - week 4

Lav, love that philosophical bear! I'm glad to hear Papmom is doing ok, but I was wondering...did we do or say something to run her off? She was such a regular and such a positive force. I hope my admission a few weeks ago of having a slip and a hard time coming back did not do it, but the events seem to coincide.

DTD, I'm glad to hear the sun is doing it's job somewhere! We're supposed to have snow tomorrow.

I was thinking today about the concept of helplessness. I think the reason I had such a hard time with Lance Dodes' premise that addiction stems from an inner emotional state of helplessness bothered me because I equate helplessness with weakness. I don't think myself a weak person. But this morning when I was thinking about how I felt often times that lead me to drink it was more a feeling of being overwhelmed by events/stimulus, etc., especially at work. Maybe that is the same as feeling helpless, because I had no way to escape going to work as I needed to make a living. So no matter how daunting the day looked, I still had to tackle it. I had no choice. I dealt with the feeling by promising myself wine to unwind/escape at the end of the day. Of course eventually the wine intake went out of control and here I am.

Star, have you ever read The Picture of Dorian Gray? It's an interesting classic by Oscar Wilde about the nature of evil. Our theme here of choices over time shaping our souls brought this book to mind. I don't know if this sort of thing is your cup of tea, but I listened to the audio version a couple years ago and found it quite thought provoking.

Yesterday's visit was good. My son looks so much healthier after just 2 weeks! He thanked us sincerely for giving him this opportunity and said that if we thought we could manage it he hopes to complete the entire 60 program. We are struggling with the daily work of child care at our age, but we wouldn't begrudge him (us or his children) this hopefully life-changing opportunity. We'll do it as long as we are physically able, which should not really be a problem for a 60 day stint. The children were really happy to see him. The were upset for the remainder of the day when he had to return. Honestly, we haven't dealt with the reason their dad is away. The 2 year old wouldn't understand anyway, but the 8 year old I think, needs and deserves a true explanation. Just not sure yet what my son wants to tell him.

Have a peaceful and AF Monday all.