Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[patrice]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hi Girls,
Wags good for you for not drinking and I think time with tell with your new paddling friends and with time you will be able to carve out an AF niche for yourself... The main thing being to keep on your own path.
I'm exhausted and the day ain't over yet.. I'm waiting for the football to start, promised my son i would wake him at midnight... Would love to just crawl into bed.
I had my 2nd major test tonight when I went and met some friends who are going back to the States and we went to a Mexican restaurant. It was a bit difficult to see my friends drink margaritas and beers but I quickly ordered a sprite... I never ever drink sugar stuff like that but it did the trick in a way a soda water wouldn't have. I didn't stay for long and no one asked why I wasn't drinking...
So I'm finishing day 37 and wish I could say I feel great but I've got a hideous headache, feel tired, flopped on the couch but the fact that I am sober outweighs and outshines all of that
Happy July 4 to the US girls!
Xx
Patrice

[Ginger999]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hope you all have a great AF weekend. We aren't really doing anything special for the 4th as we are ramping up for the next big camping trip. I'm looking forward to it with a sober eye. I'll have a plan and we are going with people that aren't big drinkers and some not at all. That makes it easier for me.

Wag, Glad you feel better this morning. You have great cyber-friends here and we all love you!

[Eloise]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

wagmore;1678832 wrote: Ava, Ginger, LC -
I think the deeper issue is loneliness and feeling like I don't fit in at this point, as I have very little family and am still working at building my new network of friends. The trigger yesterday was probably a combo of things. I've really been enjoying the paddling team I joined, especially because it's a social and physical activity that doesn't involve alcohol. Last night I think I felt left out, even though my rational brain knew it wasn't personal - most of the team didn't go out for drinks. I think it just highlighted for me that I'm new and not yet really "part" of the tighter group yet. Ouch!


:grouphug:

Oh boy can I empathize with how you are feeling. I moved to the Netherlands almost 2 years ago. I joined an expat club in hopes of finding at least 1 or 2 ladies to hang out with. It didn't work. I could have if I hung in there long enough, but I couldn't hack it. I am middle aged, newly married, no children and not much beside art to talk about. I am certain there are nice ladies in this club, but the front line was too much for me. Ah. I gave up. And many of their gatherings are around alcohol. Danger danger! I was afraid after a few glasses of wine I would let it spill how uptight and narrow minded I found many of them. So I hid.
Naturally.

I can completely understand how you feel. And it is wonderful you are just letting it go. Live through those feelings and let it go. Better days ahead wags, better days ahead.

[scottish lass]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hi - checking in - was going to send a PM but thought everyone may be interested.
Pav - you write that 4-6months was a struggle for you. I was wondering if you have insight (or any others?)
Last night was tough and I keep seeming to have these struggles. I am in month 4. This is so different to anything before - but then I have never been close to four months!
I feel that the struggles are in internal battles - must be cured now, 4 months is enough, never is a long time - I don't really need to make this permanent......that sort of thing. Deep down, I know what I want and what I will do. I do not feel as if I will drink again, that is not the worry (and yes, just noticed the hesitancy there, but not going to change it as I am putting this out here). I am just tired of the mind battle which feels as if it has become more persistent.
I like the path I am on, I am fed up of questioning it - I really want to enjoy this and not fight it, but feel every time I relax a little it comes back up in full force!
Pav - you got thru this, I keep that in the forefront.....
Thoughts anyone???

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

scottish lass;1678885 wrote: Hi - checking in - was going to send a PM but thought everyone may be interested.
Pav - you write that 4-6months was a struggle for you. I was wondering if you have insight (or any others?)
Last night was tough and I keep seeming to have these struggles. I am in month 4. This is so different to anything before - but then I have never been close to four months!
I feel that the struggles are in internal battles - must be cured now, 4 months is enough, never is a long time - I don't really need to make this permanent......that sort of thing. Deep down, I know what I want and what I will do. I do not feel as if I will drink again, that is not the worry (and yes, just noticed the hesitancy there, but not going to change it as I am putting this out here). I am just tired of the mind battle which feels as if it has become more persistent.
I like the path I am on, I am fed up of questioning it - I really want to enjoy this and not fight it, but feel every time I relax a little it comes back up in full force!
Pav - you got thru this, I keep that in the forefront.....
Thoughts anyone???

Hi, SL

You've made it through the longest 4 months of the process of freeing yourself from AL, so you can be glad about that . But --- you're not "well" yet. Your brain hasn't fully healed. I struggled around 4-6 months, also. The things that were good in my life really didn't seem all that great and the things that were bad seemed awful. Not drinking was no longer a day-to-day all-consuming interest and challenge and the reinforcement from reaching those short-term milestones was becoming less frequent. It was 'just life' and although I was glad I wasn't drinking, I wasn't as happy or even content as I had hoped to be.

Learning about the biology of addiction and how long it takes for various things to normalize (given that I'd been poisoning myself daily for a long time !) helped me relax and just go with how I was feeling. It helped to sort of live vicariously through friends here as they achieved various periods AF -- it kept the reasons that all this is worth it in my mind. I also consciously worked on noticing what was good and being grateful for it.

I feel like I'm well now but I also thought that at 12 months and I feel even better now than I did last January so who knows? Maybe there is even more progress to be made. That would be fine with me!

As much as you can, I hope you can give yourself permission to feel what you feel without judgement. Don't compare yourself to others. This is your unique experience and it will unfold in its own way. As long as you don't drink, it will all come out fine. xx, NS

[Pavati]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hi, Everyone:

SL! Yes, and also Ava and NoSugar experienced the same thing - and SO many more people around here and that I've read about in other sober communities. My attitude at the time was "fake it til you make it." I just put my faith in everyone here and everything I read that many, many recovering addicts experience this around this time, and that it would get better. That time was when I got into the Bubble Hour. I didn't feel like doing anything and was unmotivated even to get exercise, but I would download an episode onto my phone and then go for a hike (or even walk in my neighborhood) alone. That would serve the purpose of contemplation of my sobriety and also exercise which always makes me feel better. The Bubble Hour is hosted by women who are in our predicament as well -they are REAL and make me laugh as well as give me good ideas about staying sober.

I took up yoga at month four, too. It was hard to squeeze in, but I found two days a week. Yoga is meditation as well as strengthening and building flexibility. I often cry a little in shavasana (the corpse pose at the end), as it feels like a release. (I haven't been able to do it lately because of a shoulder injury).

I also got into a little more of the "I'm staying home" mode that I was in at the very beginning. I ate plenty of ice cream as my treat, and said no to social occasions that would require too much effort on my part, especially the ones around alcohol. I still saw good friends, but tried to keep it in the daytime when possible, or other non-alcohol events. Finally, I joined Spirit's gratitude thread, and tried to consciously cultivate an attitude of gratitude. It doesn't come naturally to me - sort of felt contrived at first - but again, I was following in the footsteps of successful sober people, and doing what they told me to do. If you read about gratitude, it is not just about being grateful for food on your plate, or your kids, or something you're glad you have that some people might not. It is also finding the things to be grateful for in the struggles of life. Does a fight with you mom give you better perspective on something? Does a knee injury mean you spend more time with your son watching a movie? and things like that. Just reading through the thread gives me inspiration and gratitude.

You could even make a list of all the things in life that are better because you don't drink, and all the things that would be made worse with your drinking. I know that top of the list for me is my kids - being present for them, especially as they go into their risky teenager years - is a priority for me. What if one of them came home at 2am and needed to talk, or needed a ride home because their driver was drunk, and I was drunk myself and couldn't respond? I am SO happy that won't be the case, and risking that is too much for me.

Anyway - SL, you were so happy and content early on, and I know if you muscle through this "in between" part (NS - where's your in between post??), you'll come out the other side grateful, happy and healthy. Stick close, and by all means ask for help when and if you need it.

Wags - glad you made it through your craving. I think cravings like that are why complacency can mean heading back to drinking. We're feeling so great that we step away from our sober communities, and then don't have support when they spring up like that!

Jane - Just to clarify - I wouldn't think that you need to wait on them hand and foot - they can cook and clean and participate in the household.

Nar - the above that I wrote to SL goes for you, too. I think clearing out that final "I'll drink someday" is necessary to fully heal.

Just realized the time so all of my other personalized messages will have to wait. Stay strong and focused, Ladies. We're on this mission together - we can get through this together. Let's remember to ask for help from each other, not just report on successes!

xo
Pav

[Pavati]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

x post, NS. I LOVE your last line.

[wagmore]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Patrice - I think your comment about staying on my own path is really the key for me. Sometimes I want so badly to make new friends, and I need to remember that friendships that are really high quality connections will take some time. In some ways, it's just another battle with immediate gratification or relief (like with AL). I've never been a loner, have always had a good circle of friends, and it's a huge adjustment being in a new city trying to start over in my 40's. I do need to keep my own path and trust that there will be people whose paths will parallel, overlap, or at least mesh with mine.

Nice job at the Mexican restaurant! Sounds like a victory to me.

Sorry to hear about your headache, and I hope it goes away very soon!

Ginger999;1678861 wrote: Wag, Glad you feel better this morning. You have great cyber-friends here and we all love you!

Thanks Ginger

Eloise - It sounds like you do understand a lot of what I'm going through trying to build a new life in a new city. Right now I'm in my home country but have lived abroad as well, and that was super hard. I work with a lot of expat employees and their spouses, and especially the spouses find it hard to build community if they don't "click" with the other expat spouses. Do you speak Dutch well enough to join a local activity group or take a class of some kind? Sometimes locals are easier to get on with

Thanks for your empathy - better days ahead for us both, for us all...

[patrice]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Wag I'm also an expat teaching here in Malaysia.. It really is so difficult to meet people who you click with in a new place and it can get very lonely. I so understand where you are coming from but well done for acknowledging it, that's a big step
Thanks headache now gone !!

[scottish lass]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Pav and NS - perfect, thank you!
I think I knew most of this, but so needed the confirmation - so many little points here (like the milestones) that add to a big overall. So much good advice - looking for the lemonade for the lemons, and yoga (I have been looking into this, have to make the next step).
I will be printing these out for reference for the next couple of months and so looking forearm to getting over the hump.
Thank you for the thoughtful responses, and thank you both as people that I can look to. I know that I will not drink, so I know it will come out fine - and the getting there is part of the journey.
Big :l's with so much appreciation to you both!

[Ginger999]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hey SL, If you are brand new to Yoga, check out YogaDownloads.com. They have some free downloads of the different poses and some videos. When I was just starting Yoga I found that helped me get motivated. I hated to go to a class cold turkey not knowing any poses so that gave me a little leg up. Just a thought. PS... I second everything you just posted!

[Eloise]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Eloise - It sounds like you do understand a lot of what I'm going through trying to build a new life in a new city. Right now I'm in my home country but have lived abroad as well, and that was super hard. I work with a lot of expat employees and their spouses, and especially the spouses find it hard to build community if they don't "click" with the other expat spouses. Do you speak Dutch well enough to join a local activity group or take a class of some kind? Sometimes locals are easier to get on with

Thanks for your empathy - better days ahead for us both, for us all...
Oh lordie my Dutch is an upward battle. I speak like a five year old. So humiliating.
I am sick to death of dutch class to be honest, I would rather swallow nails.
And I am not used to the idea of even being a wife yet.

I do feel your pain. Honestly, I do.
I still quite feel like an outsider looking in. This too will pass. And not drinking makes it easier, not more difficult as I had feared. Time will sort things, I am sure of it.

[available]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Morning Loamers

El i had to laugh at having a few drinks and telling the women what you thought of them. Im still giggling. Some people just drive you to be rude dont they?

Well last night my son was telling me that he wants a "keg" for his 21st birthday in August and some friends around. My automatic thought was "great a party i will have a few drinks". Oh some days it is so hard to not want to drink. Damn it i want to drink for his birthday, been blind for the others birthdays but i know i wont, i cant and i definitely dont want to be blacked out in my bedroom. Its not fun to drink, i know that. Maybe for others but for me it is a hell i dont want to descend down to anytime soon. But it was a big urge, not gone entirely, probably feeling deprived but it will pass as i wont drink. The kids even joked that i was "boring" now i did not drink so i need to nail that on the head with them saying that. Tell an alky they are boring and see what they can do to prove them wrong! They would hate for me to drink, it would hurt them. So today i am going out with my daughter who is my main support girl and i will have a big chat to her, it was her that said it. People just dont realise how hard it is to stay sober, it was hard enough to get here, let alone keep it up.

I do know Mia will protect my quit as much as i protect it and I do understand that they think i just dont drink and dont understand the internal battles i still have although not as much as previously.

So just throwing it out there lovelies that complacency is something we do not have the pleasure of being an alky. I hope in a year or two that those thoughts of "ive gone this far, i am now able to have a couple" leaves me entirely. Liam said to me that he will have some crack and i can have a bottle of wine. Those sort of jokes sober me up into knowing that he cant have crack as he is addicted just like i cant have wine as i am addicted also. He is one strong man that beat an awful drug and i am one strong woman who is beating an awful drug also.

Well I loved reading your posts but i am off to shower and spend a girly day with Mia. If i was hungover this would not be happening until i dragged my arse out of bed at 1pm and then i would have probably cancelled as i would have felt like total shite. Today i am sober and happy just like you all and that is a great feeling. Nothing compares to that feeling every morning.

Ps. apologies for the waffle post. xxxx

[j-vo]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Just wanna say I'm comin home tomorrow! Hope everyone has been doin well. I'm 95 days today and happy that this was a nice vacation. First real one without booze. I do hope it becomes normal feeling as it was strange. I wonder if it'll be that way forever or how long it will take to become second nature. Ttyl! Happy fourth to my American friends.

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Wow, what greatcoats!

Pat, I have been getting headaches too, I wonder if it from th AL being cleansed from my body. Who knows, but headaches suck anyway.

Wags, I know how hard it is to find a new support system like that. We moved to the US in 2001 for a couple of years and I drank a lot.i actually ended up quitting and going to AA. I was lonely and I could not work because I did not have a green card. It sucked! I did make a really good friend though before I left. We still keep in touch.

Ava, your post made me laugh. It's hood you are afraid of us

El, speaking Dutch sound awful. Just don't do it! I can see how that would be a huge barrier to making friends though.

Pav, NS, thanks for your thoughts on 'our thoughts'. We have to remain vigilant for sure.

SL xo

J-Vo, so proud of you amigo. Way to go!! Pretty soon it will be 100 big ones! I hope it gets easier, let's do this and see!

Goodnight beautiful ladies.