w/c 13 may

[paulywogg]

Re: w/c 13 may

Mae everybody,guess I'll just wish everyone a fabulous BF Fryday!

[Mick]

Re: w/c 13 may

hiya all ...how are we? well I was really busy this morning ..despite the sore back etc ,I have been doing exercises to alleviate the pain but jeez is it sore ...as for the finger ..its still there ..Well the whole country I guess is waiting for the royal wedding..makes me laff ...the bif=g fight in the 1700s to break away from Britain and now look ...American blood in the royal family and Scottish blood in the American constitution ..mind you the american navy was founded by a Jock ..so hope we are all well now that we are almost kissing cousins again after about 350 years..
anyway brew time ,,
hiya Pauly ..thanks for starting up this morning,as I say been pretty busy ...also Julies dad ..there are big issues there too..

hiya ppqp ..hows you then?all good I hope ..no its the simplest things that put my back out..again another lovely day here but ,I have to be really careful what Im doing ..

hiya Lav ,hows you then?all ok ...yes the finger is still there in one piece ,..So you have lots of rain? this crazy weather is showing us having hot temps all next week too..Ive finished the frame at the back of the garden ...and woodland green stained it ..It serves 3 purposes ..stops the horses eating my plants,stops the foxes jumping the fence ,and does as a frame for the birds to sit on..anyway heres an afternoon brew ...

big hiya to everyone ...

Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station.

They get out of their space ship. The Martians go up to a gas pump. One says to the other," I think these are Earth people." "Take me to your leader!" says the first Martian.

No response.

The second Martian whispers to his partner. "I don't think we should screw with this one."

The first Martian says "Don't worry. Take me to your leader or we are going to blow you to kingdom come!!!"

No response.

With that, the first Martian takes out his laser gun and zaps the gas pump. It blows up and so does the gas station and the Martians are thrown into the air and land in a tree.

The second Martian says to the other, "I TOLD YOU, WE SHOULDN'T FCK WITH A GUY WHO COULD WRAP HIS D.CK AROUND HIS NECK AND STICK IT IN HIS EAR!

A Racist dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Racist's hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Racist devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..."

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here".

"How long is that" asks the girl?

"About three hundred and twenty years".


A Dinner Conversation that Went Wrong
WIFE: "If I died first, would you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -

HUSBAND: "Shit."

New Definitions
Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either

Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower...

Dictionary:
A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic:
A book, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist:
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father:
A banker provided by nature.

Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest.... except that he got caught.

Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

[paulywogg]

Re: w/c 13 may

Yea Mick you haven't said anything about Julies dad lately and I didn't want to intrude by asking,sounds like not much has improved as for this royal wedding im just tired of it being on the news constantly,her family being under a microscope,who honestly cares haha,I know some do but I am sure I'll be seeing highlights for the next few weeks too so why bother watching?

[porqoui]

Re: w/c 13 may

MAE ALL...and it's the start of the long weekend. :yay:

Pauly...you make me laugh. Yesterday you didn't post because nobody had started the thread and today you start the thread. Hope you had a fabulous AF Friday, mine was pretty good. Had an irrigation company come out to quote on an underground system for the community garden and the price was shockingly low, the General Manager figured he could just pay for it, no grants required. Then the contractor said "And we'd like to donate the materials and labour. The association has been good them and they want to give back. Said it would take about 3/4 of a day and they could probably do it in June. I was blown away! The gardeners are going to be soooo happy.

Mick...so I take it you don't want me to send the game "twister"? Glad the finger is still there. Like Pauly said we haven't heard of Julie's dad for awhile, sorry there's still issues there. We didn't have any rain today but it was still a bit cool and overcast. The May long weekend is supposed to be hot and sunny and it's been ages since there was no sign of snow at this time. So all the campers will be happy. I won't be watching the wedding but will watch the highlights. My sister used to live in London so I'm interested in seeing the places I've visited. You keep up your exercises and do be aware of what you're doing.

Shout out to the rest of the gang, will be checking in and out over the weekend.....:smile:PPQP

[Lavande]

Re: w/c 13 may

Good evening Abbers,

Still raining & it's much cooler, yay!
I even made a pot of vegan split pea soup to celebrate ha ha!

Mick, sorry about your back troubles. I ran into some myself several years ago, for no reason. When my daughter was about to graduate from her physical therapy school she put me thru some assessments & figure out what the problem was. I ended up getting this neat little tool & it worked like a miracle Take a look at the ad -
Piri-Stretcher(R) by Miracle Stretch(R) - For Piriformis Syndrome & Sciatica

Pauly, I'm not getting up early to watch the royal wedding either - the reruns will do, ha ha!

PQ, that's cool about the irrigation company offering such a great deal! Nothing like a big bunch of happy campers
I hope you enjoy your weekend.

No point in making any plans until the rains moves out of here. The farmers are not happy with all this water sitting on their newly tilled & seeded fields.
Wishing everyone a nice night!

Lav

[paulywogg]

Re: w/c 13 may

Heard from Det,things are going ok but Internet may be sketchy,says he loves us all I told him we'll be keeping his seat warm for when he gets back

[porqoui]

Re: w/c 13 may

Heard from Det,things are going ok but Internet may be sketchy,says he loves us all I told him we'll be keeping his seat warm for when he gets back

Thanks for letting us know Pauly. I was just thinking of him! Of course when I was in rehab there wasn't internet and we weren't allowed much communication with family and friends. We were there to concentrate on ourselves and the rest of the world could just wait. Keep sending him our love.

[Mick]

Re: w/c 13 may

morning all ..well here we are ...guess whats on the telly? yup..thats the one some wedding thing .....there are hundreds of American reporters here so enjoy its coming your way ....oh and by the way ..welcome back to Britain!!!Im just watching Santa Monica on the telly and they are all waving Brit flags ...now theve got everyone on from her primary school teacher to the woman that served her in Walmart in 19blonk!
anyways the weather over here is gorgeous ...ok brew time ...

back is still killing me ,the chiro told me I should cut down on gardening ..yeh right..its because you do a lot of twisting ..anyways Ive put this up at the back of the garden ..and stained it up to match the panels ..it will prtect the plants from the horses ,it will make jumping the fence less easy for foxes and 3 its an ideal frame to attract birds to.

20180519_052757.jpg

you note the fence panels arent in yet!!

Julies dad is getting worse ,the doctor is doing a home visit on tuesday, as an assessment ...he wont accept hhelp and refuses to let people in the house ..It is obviously got a massive effect on Julie ..I can only support her its like being a fish out of water..

hiya ppqp...no sack the twister game !!London will be a good place to stay away from today ....hope all is well with you

hiya Lav ..you ok ...I had a quick look at your lin k..will look properly later ...heres a brew for a trade...

hiya pauly ..its not intruding to me ..you ask ahead xx hope you have a great weekend

hi det ..hope its all good with you mate ..yep your chair is here waiting foryou..

right peeps ..off to get my wedding dress on ...ha ha ....take it eazee..

Three Big Bad Bikers went into a roadside Truck Stop and went up to an older gentleman at the counter who was having his breakfast.

The first biker took out his cigar and dropped it into the man's coffee.

He didn't say a word and resumed eating his breakfast.

The second biker tipped over his glass of orange juice.

Still no reaction.

The third ugly guy dumped the guy's plate of bacon and eggs on the floor.

The little old man got up without saying a word, paid his bill and left the cafe.

"He wasn't much of a man was he?" questioned the leader of the pack.

"No," said the waitress, "and not much of a truck driver either. He just ran over three Harleys in the parking lot."


Viagra Alternative
Frank can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Frank asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. Frank says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Frank the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". Frank takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Frank starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants.

It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look
on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"



With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Frank says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."

A woman has a problem with her closet door, it was falling every time a bus was passing by.

So she called a repair man.

The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.

"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet.

At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.

Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"

Repairman: "Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"

The Sexy Woman and the Bartender
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. Seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?"

She asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him?

" She said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, " there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room

[Guitarista]

Re: w/c 13 may

Ola from Rio!

Mick, sorry to hear your father in law isn't doing so well. Wishing you and family all the best under the circumstances. Your backyard looks ace mate.

Good to hear some contact from Det, Pauly. Hope he's ok. I dont know where he's currently at with sobriety, but it sure can be a confounding, confusing frustrating struggle to turn ourselves and our thinking around to one of self care and self love. That sort of shift in thinking has been a game changer for me.

What's this? American blood in the royal family? Wait a minute, isn't Phil German? Ah, we're all the same aren't we? lol.

Big waves to all.

[paulywogg]

Re: w/c 13 may

Mae everybody,hi Mr.G! Mick,sorry to hear about Julies dad,I'll bet it makes her just sad,loved the elephant joke haha,went downstairs to get my coffee and hubs had the news on but of course the wedding is on,went back downstairs to top up my mug and he had turned it to the Travel channel which was featuring a story about the Elephant man! So I guess its safe to say he doesn't care about seeing the wedding much love to all and wishes for a super,sober Saturday,(the word sober sounds sad,too bad there wasnt a happier version)

[Samstone]

Re: w/c 13 may

morning all
gotta tell Mick, I laughed out loud at the viagra elephant joke! Bunged hand and now back, what's happening with your mojo?
Lav, been raining here quite a bit and electricity has been an off & on issue for a couple of days.
Det, thinking of you friend. Pauly thanks for letting us know.
PQ, game of "Twister".... hadn't thought about that game in quite awhile. I used to love it as a kid.
PI, hope you're doing well, how's the doggies?

playing some tunes todiddy
hope everyone is well

[porqoui]

Re: w/c 13 may

MAE ALL...

Lav...yes I was extremely happy with the irrigation company's offer. You don't know how much work was just washed off my plate. LOL I really think we need to readjust the calendar. April showers are now in May!!! One of our new "mobility challenged" gardeners has not planted yet, will be away next week and his care giver knows nothing about gardening. Going to "pay it forward" having my plot planted and plant his this weekend. There's a few things not in my plot that I'd like...ie potatoes.

Mick...was hoping that wasn't the finished product. Not like you. The yard is looking great jealous.com. I think the home visit from the Doc will finally put plans in action. I always felt that when my father fell, ended up in the hospital and was told you can't go home was the catalyst to make his next years the best they could be without putting pressure on the family to make the call. I hope Julie finds some peace with/if that decision is made. You may feel like a fish out of water cause males always just want to "fix the problem" but all she needs right now is to express her feelings and have you listen, not fix. :hug:

Gman...so good to hear from you and so true your words "it sure can be a confounding, confusing frustrating struggle to turn ourselves and our thinking around to one of self care and self love." I was always making sure everyone else was ok that "I" didn't matter. Mick always brought me back to me after my posts and for that I'm so grateful.

Pauly...did want to see the highlights of the wedding but then wanted my news fix. I can relate to hubs! LOL "Sober" probably makes you thinks of "Somber". Checked the online Thesaurus dictionary and came up with controlled. Have a happy controlled Saturday.

Hey TT... check in when you can, I know you didn't know if there would be access but we're thinking of you.

Pi...if you're interested in some travel I have a condo that needs some TLC...mine! How many feet have you in your house these days?

Sam..I hadn't thought of twister for years until Mick said he twisted his back. I hated it as kid...was always 2 feet taller than any of the participants! Just couldn't get down there and twist! LOL How's the freedom from the soil job and veying work going?

Wow...you'd think I had nothing better to do than type on here! Heading out to the garden and plan on spending most of my day outside. Have a "Consciously Controlled Saturday"...:smile:PPQP

[Pie]

Re: w/c 13 may

Did I seriously miss both a visit from Mr. G, and a game of Twister??

PQ I loved reading that your garden got planted, and that now you're planting for someone else. Hot diggity dog on the irrigation system!

Mick, have you mangled yourself? And on the big wedding weekend, no less?!

Hiya Pauly! And thanks for keeping us in touch with Det!

Lav, I'm not sure that it's lawful to omit ham from the pea soup. I'm good for bail money if you get nabbed!

Sam, dawgs are great. I have just one extra here right now who'll be moving to a new foster home tomorrow. Thought of you yesterday when Cherokee Fiddle came on the radio. Do you know that one?

I must post a pic of my happy Crape Myrtle tree. IMG_4778.jpg

[porqoui]

Re: w/c 13 may

Hiya Pi...."Lav, I'm not sure that it's lawful to omit ham from the pea soup. I'm good for bail money if you get nabbed!" :hahaha:

I really do subscribe to the theory that what goes around comes around. Still amazed about the irrigation! WOW...the Crape Myrtle is looking great! See you at brunch tomorrow....:smile:PPQP

[paulywogg]

Re: w/c 13 may

Gorgeous tree Pie!